Husband makes me feel awful

[Adviceneeded2020]

Hi sorry I have just opened an account to post this but have had other accounts in the past.

I am really worried about what's happened to my relationship and wondering whether to stay and I just need advice as I can't talk to anyone IRL.

Over the last few years my relationship with DH has got very negative. He criticises me constantly. There will always be something I have done wrong. I've been sitting and thinking about it and I can't remember tha last time he praised me. I work part time but am at home with the kids at the moment and am doing my work remotely in the evenings and at weekends
I find myself rushing around in the half hour before he's due home tidying up and cleaning.( I have three kids and have been homeschooling 2 while looking after a toddler and keeping up with my work so the housework doesn't really get much of a look in during the week)so that he has nothing to criticise when he walks in, he always finds something. As soon as he walks in he checks where my phone, keys and purse are. I am quite forgetful and clumsy and have lost these things in the past so have never minded him doing it but just recently I've found it a bit overbearing, he shouts at me if they are not where they should be. They are almost always somewhere sensible like my handbag or occasionally on the side but this will then lead to a lecture about putting them back in the right place. I suppose I am older now and what I used to see as sweet is making me feel claustrophobic.

He always criticise everything I do and so I end up not doing it and be takes over. When I food shop I spend too much or forget something vital, when he goes he comes home raving about how well he's done and how little he's spent and how we will make it last all week. If he forgets something and I say something he gets arsey and says things like "I can't be expected to do everything"

The real thing that upsets me is how it's impacting on the children. He snaps at them for the smallest things. He was really shouting at DS today because he woke up with a nightmare. He also snaps at me in front of them and belittles me. DS woke up because of a nightmare but shortly before I had gone to bed and made what he considered to be too much noise so he came up and shouted at me for waking DS up, in front of DS. I don't know how to deal with that. If I argue back then we are arguing in front of them which is horrible and if I take it then I am teaching them it's ok.

To offer balance I am difficult in many ways, I'm quite disorganised so I do mislay things and I'm not great with money and often overspend although I feel I am improving. Our finances aren't great as a family but we both have steady incomes and are gradually getting our debts down. I know he worries about money and I add to it in his opinion. I don't buy myself treats, if I buy clothes I try and get second hand. I only buy things for the children, food and pay for outings for us and gifts for others. (Obviously no outings at moment) but money is tight and he doesn't really understand how much things like school uniform and shoes cost so it causes a lot of arguments. I also know that we don't always agree on parenting, he sees me as soft but I have a much more gentle but firm approach where he would shout, send to rooms and withhold pocket money I would prefer to talk to the children about their behaviour, use natural consequences and try and look for root causes (like tiredness)

So basically our marriage has become toxic. I never talk to him about anything I'm thinking or feeling because I don't feel he will listen to me and I don't feel he cares about me. When I try he often answers in a way which makes me think he hasn't even heard me or brushes my statement off as untrue or misguided. He doesn't know or take an interest in things going on in my life. If something happened to me that wasn't going to directly affect him I don't know if I would even bother to tell him, he wouldn't care! As a result of all this I would say I have forgotten how I used to feel. I see an angry bitter man when I look at my husband. So it may seem obvious I should leave but he isn't always this bad. He has days where he is quite sweet and most days he will text me a nice message or ring at lunch and tell me about his day. The main reason that I can't just leave is that my parents divorced when I was DS' age and it was horrendous. I really struggled with it and have had counselling as an adult as a result. I just don't want my children to go through what I went through. I know some divorces can be amicable but I am sure ours wouldn't be. I witnessed horrible arguments and I'll never forget them.

So can anyone offer me their opinions/advice? Do you think marriage counselling would help us? Do you think the children are better watching is argue or seeing us divorce? If we divorce and it means they spend half their time with him will it mean they spend half their time walking on eggshells like me? Aren't they better off with me here to prevent that all the time?

Does he make you line up at the front door and inspect how clean your nails are? He's a sergeant major OP. Walking into his house and inspecting the troops. He's not your boss.

Yes, he's abusive and he's abusing your children who don't have a choice here. You have a choice, you are an adult but they are forced into a situation where they wake up with nightmares and get shouted at. Their behaviour is constantly criticised and it doesn't sound as though anyone can do anything right.

This is their home OP. A home is meant to be a safe place where you can be yourself. Where you can relax with people who love you, not where you have to stand to attention because abusive daddy is home.

Yes @Adviceneeded2020 I have been in your shoes and the effects on me and my DC are still felt 6 years after leaving the relationship. I know you're being bombarded with advice and it can be overwhelming, but the very fact that you're posting here means you already know something is very wrong.

Husband makes me feel awful is a good description of what you go on to describe. It’s not your fault.

Hey @Adviceneeded2020

I'm not sure I'd agree he is abusive per se but he doesn't sound pleasant or kind to you and your relationship sounds like it is stuck in a pretty negative rut.

As someone who watched my parents argue when they should have divorced I can tell you that it does as much damage as a badly handled divorce.

I'd suggest sitting him down, at a quiet, calm time and explain that you are not happy in the relationship and ask him if he is. Before you do that really consider what it is you want. Do you want to leave? Do you want the relationship to improve? What? And then come to the conversation with that in mind. It might degenerate into an argument, but try not to let it, try and keep things clear and calm.

If you want to leave begin thinking about how you are going to make that happen.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. And I'm sorry that the comments have felt harsh or shocking. I think sometimes hearing advice from strangers on the internet is not the safest/easiest thing to do.

You asked for advice from people who have been through it. I have. It's awful and eats away at your esteem and confidence until you are a shell of yourself.

I would have said the exact same things about myself - that I am disorganised, not good with money, etc. but in fact post-separation I've realised that it wasn't about me at all. And I am much more competent/organised when someone isn't criticising me all the time and insisting they could do it better.

What helped in my case was finding a caring therapist who was able to listen and not judge. Everyone was telling me to divorce him but I couldn't let go.
It took several months of therapy to learn to set my own boundaries and probably a year before I could admit to myself that I had been emotionally abused.
Now two years on he is actually a better parent when we parent separately and my children are well adjusted and much happier without "mean daddy" in the house.

You can't teach him how to be a better person. It doesn't work.

It's easy as women to inderestimate our worth and think that we somehow "deserve" to be treated badly.
BUT KNOW YOUR WORTH!

And teach your kids to do the same. You won't regret it.

The advice is never to go to counciling with someone abusive.

But you could sort individual counciling for yourself.

You remind me of me back then op. I had a habbit of saying I was clumsy or stupid or whatever else. Because he'd trained me to say it instead of hearing him say it. Because it hurts less coming from ourself.

When I left I realised any time I made a mistake, I still said it,for years later. Things like saying 'I'm probably wrong but...' (about stuff I knew I wasnt wrong about) or 'I'm such a clutz' because I've just dropped one cup in like, 2 years ect...now I make conscious effort to catch myself on stuff like that. Because its bull. I'm human, sometimes I fuck up. But no more than most.

Also, I was probably more clumsy when I lived with him as if someone is constantly watching and waiting on you to screw up in some way so they can berate you, it gives you the fear. And that makes you more inclined to mess up.

So please consider this op. Are you constantly excusing yourself as wrong/stupid/clumsy to ppl? And did you do this before you met him? As chances are it's just the result if being constantly put down by him (and perhaps also, any similar individuals in your past).

Yours sounds like my parents' marriage. My father was a horrible angry man. He demeaned my DM every day, yelled at us kids (and worse) he was such an angry person who couldn't enjoy having a family. They didn't divorce until I was in my 20s but many years later I'm still having to support my DM through her mental health conditions caused by him. I resolved very early on in my life that I would never allow anyone to treat me so badly. Who the fuck does your husband think he is!
On another note do you think he would want to have the children 50% of the time if you split?

@Hiddennameforever

My heart goes out to you, and the original poster Adviceneeded2020
Both of you, i bet the MNers would like to get hold of your "husbands" if you can call them that. As PPs have mentioned, these posts are describing unequal "partnerships".
Adviceneeded2020 from your posts, your husband values family life, but he certainly doesn't value you. He wouldn't speak to you like this if he respected you, and from what I have read it is constant.
If your husband wants perfection he should have married a crash dummy who will not answer back!

he isn't always this bad. He has days where he is quite sweet and most days he will text me a nice message or ring at lunch and tell me about his day

But..... 90%of the time he makes your feel like shit. Like you are not good enough. Like you are worthless.

Leave him. Choose a better life. With someone who makes you feel good about yourself 90%of the time. Not the other way around

@ carreterra
Thank you.
His dad was like this when my DH was young.
He apparently shouted nonstop on them.
Even now when my DH calls to their house- you can sometimes hears his dad in background- my DH was very unhappy about it, I remember before, when we dated and he called them, and his dad shouted in background, my DH always came off the phone as could not put up with the shouting.
He hated it, always pointed it out and now he does the same to us.
His dad now calmed a lot down, as he is sick and needs his mum as career so he just sleeps nonstop...but still before he always shouted on them, making MIL cry and run upstairs..
I came from A loving Family, I had no dad as my mum left him when I was a baby but I had loving grandparents and mum, so this all shouting in a house is a novelty for me really.

I guarantee you he’s checking where your keys, purse etc are when you’ve not done anything ‘wrong’ for him to take out his mood on you.

He’s ‘grumpy’ he needs an outlet (to shout at you) so he looks for your things and when they’re out of place, bingo!

I'm sorry, OP. Even with you defending him, he still sounds horrible. There's nothing wrong with being a bit forgetful or spending money on a few treats. He's being very mean to you to treat you like this.

Thanks so much for everyone's messages. I have been without my phone most of the afternoon which is why I haven't been back for a while. I am thinking about everything you say. I am feeling very sad at the moment and completely lost.

Why are you still with him?
You are both obviously very unhappy so what is keeping you from leaving him?

Why are you still with him?

In the hope that things will get back to how they were i think. Also because i think divorce is tough on kids and don't want to make a mistake. I know people are saying the kids will be better off but I'm not convinced that's true. they certainly wouldn't say so.

@Adviceneeded2020 it won’t go back as before..I’m in the same situation as you.
Even I try so hard, there is always something he found a problem with.
He can one second nice and next he starts screaming cos of no reason.

He says I’m wind up and everything is my fault forever. Even the weather outside I’m blamed for.

It won't go back to the way it was before - how many people spend years waiting for it to go back to the way it was and it never happens so they eventually split up and wished they'd done it years ago.

How can the kids be happy now when they know you and him aren't happy?
They have to see you rush around and tidy up before he comes home. He snaps and shouts at them. You've already said it's impacting them so you are obviously not staying to benefit them in any way.

So what if you are disorganised
Forgetful

He should not be shouting and emotionally abusing you

Been there lived through it
It was hell

Could do nothing right

I fled with a small baby after he got worse and he stepped it up a few levels

Sorry you are going through this

I read about the first quarter of your post and from that alone it's obviously abusive and unpleasant behaviour. Get out.

Can you make plans for getting things back how they were, that don’t involve just you changing? Can you find a way to live differently within your marriage that means you’re more equal and that he no longer makes you feel awful?

You can hope, but that won’t get you anywhere. You felt wretched enough to post here please don’t let it stop there. Really take note of how your kids are, don’t just assume they’re happy. Children often feel that they have to show a positive face to keep their parents sweet.
Good luck op, please consider going and talking to someone about how things are.

The title of this thread is 'My husband makes me feel awful'. Partners in life should enhance your life, not drag it down.

@Hiddennameforever it sounds like you have it really horrible. Poor you. My DH doesn't blame me for the weather he genuinely does only get cross when I do something he doesn't like but I know that's still not ok. If the weather affects our plans he can be grumpy but just general grumpiness rather than blaming me. It's hard to live with though, if I had a housemate who was like this I would move out. Divorce is such a big thing though isn't it? We've been together 17 years. Since I was very young. I can't imagine what it would be like to be single or even worse with someone else. I know I would miss him because he's part of my family. I know the kids would miss him.

I wish is was as simple as it feels like it ought to be but it isn't, whatever decision I make could be the wrong one.

There are women with really abusive husbands and I think mine is just grumpy

No, he's abusive.

There are lots of different types and shades of abuse.

But shouting at a child fir having a nightmare, criticising everything you do, a d coming home like a drill instructor/prison warden/school bully who makes you out your belongings in a certain place, checks to see they see there and criticises you .... Are all v abusive

Just because he's not hitting you dies t mean they're not.

I'm incredibly scatterbrained, lose/misplace my keys, purse, phone all the time. If he tried to do that to me, I'd crack very quickly .. I'm not a new recruit in the army and him my drill instructor, I'm not an 1850s child with an authoritarian father, I'm not a chain gang prisoner doing hard time, having to account to the guard/warden. "Fuck off, I'm sure you have your faults too" would be my thoughts .. a d pretty soon my words.

You've been intimidated into kowtowing to his bullying and madness.

I know the kids would miss him.

But they'd still see him several days a week/at weekends .. when he can shout at them for having nightmares, be grumpy, intolerant, shout some more etc.

The child who was shouted at for having a nightmare could end up with real issues, that's the sort of thing that gives people anxiety and self esteem issues. The person supposed to calm and comfort them (their parent) is doing the opposite, and upsetting the rest of the household at that.