Hi sorry I have just opened an account to post this but have had other accounts in the past.
I am really worried about what's happened to my relationship and wondering whether to stay and I just need advice as I can't talk to anyone IRL.
Over the last few years my relationship with DH has got very negative. He criticises me constantly. There will always be something I have done wrong. I've been sitting and thinking about it and I can't remember tha last time he praised me. I work part time but am at home with the kids at the moment and am doing my work remotely in the evenings and at weekends
I find myself rushing around in the half hour before he's due home tidying up and cleaning.( I have three kids and have been homeschooling 2 while looking after a toddler and keeping up with my work so the housework doesn't really get much of a look in during the week)so that he has nothing to criticise when he walks in, he always finds something. As soon as he walks in he checks where my phone, keys and purse are. I am quite forgetful and clumsy and have lost these things in the past so have never minded him doing it but just recently I've found it a bit overbearing, he shouts at me if they are not where they should be. They are almost always somewhere sensible like my handbag or occasionally on the side but this will then lead to a lecture about putting them back in the right place. I suppose I am older now and what I used to see as sweet is making me feel claustrophobic.
He always criticise everything I do and so I end up not doing it and be takes over. When I food shop I spend too much or forget something vital, when he goes he comes home raving about how well he's done and how little he's spent and how we will make it last all week. If he forgets something and I say something he gets arsey and says things like "I can't be expected to do everything"
The real thing that upsets me is how it's impacting on the children. He snaps at them for the smallest things. He was really shouting at DS today because he woke up with a nightmare. He also snaps at me in front of them and belittles me. DS woke up because of a nightmare but shortly before I had gone to bed and made what he considered to be too much noise so he came up and shouted at me for waking DS up, in front of DS. I don't know how to deal with that. If I argue back then we are arguing in front of them which is horrible and if I take it then I am teaching them it's ok.
To offer balance I am difficult in many ways, I'm quite disorganised so I do mislay things and I'm not great with money and often overspend although I feel I am improving. Our finances aren't great as a family but we both have steady incomes and are gradually getting our debts down. I know he worries about money and I add to it in his opinion. I don't buy myself treats, if I buy clothes I try and get second hand. I only buy things for the children, food and pay for outings for us and gifts for others. (Obviously no outings at moment) but money is tight and he doesn't really understand how much things like school uniform and shoes cost so it causes a lot of arguments. I also know that we don't always agree on parenting, he sees me as soft but I have a much more gentle but firm approach where he would shout, send to rooms and withhold pocket money I would prefer to talk to the children about their behaviour, use natural consequences and try and look for root causes (like tiredness)
So basically our marriage has become toxic. I never talk to him about anything I'm thinking or feeling because I don't feel he will listen to me and I don't feel he cares about me. When I try he often answers in a way which makes me think he hasn't even heard me or brushes my statement off as untrue or misguided. He doesn't know or take an interest in things going on in my life. If something happened to me that wasn't going to directly affect him I don't know if I would even bother to tell him, he wouldn't care! As a result of all this I would say I have forgotten how I used to feel. I see an angry bitter man when I look at my husband. So it may seem obvious I should leave but he isn't always this bad. He has days where he is quite sweet and most days he will text me a nice message or ring at lunch and tell me about his day. The main reason that I can't just leave is that my parents divorced when I was DS' age and it was horrendous. I really struggled with it and have had counselling as an adult as a result. I just don't want my children to go through what I went through. I know some divorces can be amicable but I am sure ours wouldn't be. I witnessed horrible arguments and I'll never forget them.
So can anyone offer me their opinions/advice? Do you think marriage counselling would help us? Do you think the children are better watching is argue or seeing us divorce? If we divorce and it means they spend half their time with him will it mean they spend half their time walking on eggshells like me? Aren't they better off with me here to prevent that all the time?