Husband makes me feel awful

[Adviceneeded2020]

Hi sorry I have just opened an account to post this but have had other accounts in the past.

I am really worried about what's happened to my relationship and wondering whether to stay and I just need advice as I can't talk to anyone IRL.

Over the last few years my relationship with DH has got very negative. He criticises me constantly. There will always be something I have done wrong. I've been sitting and thinking about it and I can't remember tha last time he praised me. I work part time but am at home with the kids at the moment and am doing my work remotely in the evenings and at weekends
I find myself rushing around in the half hour before he's due home tidying up and cleaning.( I have three kids and have been homeschooling 2 while looking after a toddler and keeping up with my work so the housework doesn't really get much of a look in during the week)so that he has nothing to criticise when he walks in, he always finds something. As soon as he walks in he checks where my phone, keys and purse are. I am quite forgetful and clumsy and have lost these things in the past so have never minded him doing it but just recently I've found it a bit overbearing, he shouts at me if they are not where they should be. They are almost always somewhere sensible like my handbag or occasionally on the side but this will then lead to a lecture about putting them back in the right place. I suppose I am older now and what I used to see as sweet is making me feel claustrophobic.

He always criticise everything I do and so I end up not doing it and be takes over. When I food shop I spend too much or forget something vital, when he goes he comes home raving about how well he's done and how little he's spent and how we will make it last all week. If he forgets something and I say something he gets arsey and says things like "I can't be expected to do everything"

The real thing that upsets me is how it's impacting on the children. He snaps at them for the smallest things. He was really shouting at DS today because he woke up with a nightmare. He also snaps at me in front of them and belittles me. DS woke up because of a nightmare but shortly before I had gone to bed and made what he considered to be too much noise so he came up and shouted at me for waking DS up, in front of DS. I don't know how to deal with that. If I argue back then we are arguing in front of them which is horrible and if I take it then I am teaching them it's ok.

To offer balance I am difficult in many ways, I'm quite disorganised so I do mislay things and I'm not great with money and often overspend although I feel I am improving. Our finances aren't great as a family but we both have steady incomes and are gradually getting our debts down. I know he worries about money and I add to it in his opinion. I don't buy myself treats, if I buy clothes I try and get second hand. I only buy things for the children, food and pay for outings for us and gifts for others. (Obviously no outings at moment) but money is tight and he doesn't really understand how much things like school uniform and shoes cost so it causes a lot of arguments. I also know that we don't always agree on parenting, he sees me as soft but I have a much more gentle but firm approach where he would shout, send to rooms and withhold pocket money I would prefer to talk to the children about their behaviour, use natural consequences and try and look for root causes (like tiredness)

So basically our marriage has become toxic. I never talk to him about anything I'm thinking or feeling because I don't feel he will listen to me and I don't feel he cares about me. When I try he often answers in a way which makes me think he hasn't even heard me or brushes my statement off as untrue or misguided. He doesn't know or take an interest in things going on in my life. If something happened to me that wasn't going to directly affect him I don't know if I would even bother to tell him, he wouldn't care! As a result of all this I would say I have forgotten how I used to feel. I see an angry bitter man when I look at my husband. So it may seem obvious I should leave but he isn't always this bad. He has days where he is quite sweet and most days he will text me a nice message or ring at lunch and tell me about his day. The main reason that I can't just leave is that my parents divorced when I was DS' age and it was horrendous. I really struggled with it and have had counselling as an adult as a result. I just don't want my children to go through what I went through. I know some divorces can be amicable but I am sure ours wouldn't be. I witnessed horrible arguments and I'll never forget them.

So can anyone offer me their opinions/advice? Do you think marriage counselling would help us? Do you think the children are better watching is argue or seeing us divorce? If we divorce and it means they spend half their time with him will it mean they spend half their time walking on eggshells like me? Aren't they better off with me here to prevent that all the time?

Whether you agree abusive or not - forget about that word for the minute.

You’ve said that you are worried that the kids are getting sniped at constantly.
You say you are unhappy and it feels awful.

These are two very, very big issues. The first one is critical, it means your kids childhood is being trampled over and it will affect them substantially.

They only get one childhood.

You only get one life.

You’ve given quite enough reasons. It is clear that this has to end. The question is, what action are you going to take? How? Confide in a RL friend or a support agency for domestic abuse who will listen to you. You don’t have to agree it is abusive to talk to them, just talk as they are used to hearing similar stories and can advise practical steps.

I have an aunt like you--at least in terms of scatter-brainedness. You never know where you'll find things. She once left her keys in the Aga warming oven, for heaven's sake.

Her husband never, ever, ever makes her line up for inspection. He gets annoyedhe's not a saint, nor is he patronizingbut it literally would not cross his mind to treat her that way.

I'm really sorry this is happening, OP. I echo the advice for counseling, particularly for yourself.

It's no wonder your son has nightmares.

You're partner is an asshole, you're better off without him.

You sound like you've joined in with his narrative op.

You've lost your confidence. If you are repeatedly told your useless then you start to believe it.

Of course your not going to get the man you married back because that wasn't really the man he truly is. You are seeing that man now. You need to get out op before you waste your children's lives.

Why does he call you at lunch to tell you about his day? Can’t he do that when he gets home? You’d have more time to get on with things if you weren’t so frequently having to prioritise him - i personally would find this type of relationship overbearing & suffocating - that’s why people have identified this as toxicity within the relationship.

How often realistically do you lose the keys, to the point where your day is interrupted by having to search for them? You lost them down a drain once ok - that for another couple could just be a funny story. Am sure that was annoying to have to replace the keys - but realistically how often are you locking yourselves in/out or getting stuck due to lost keys?

Your husband sounds nitpicky, as you describe. I would find this would wear me down. If he were not there to continually remind you of your clumsiness / forgetfulness how disruptive would you personally find your way of living ? That’s the thing here - do you feel stifled, or is there space to be yourself in this relationship $ be able to be lighthearted about yourself & everyday mistakes.

Not everybody has a set place where a bag & keys must be. Yes I try to put my bag on the door hook when I get home & have my keys on the side table. But sometimes you’re getting in with bags of shopping & my dogs running between my feet jumping & they may stay in my jacket pocket when I take them off. It’s no biggie, the house is tidy & will find them. Have they ever slid down the couch seat? Sure! But not often because generally, they do make it to the side table. I don’t even have children to be thinking about here !

Your husband presumably has his own set of keys. Surely you’re both adult enough to be responsible for your own set of keys & not be overly concerned about the other partner’s - it would be different if you were continually losing your keys & going to him because you lost them & him having to frequently be looking for your keys, or made late because you’ve misplaced them.

He sounds vile and shouting at the children for just being children is abusive. I think you may be minimising what he’s doing to all of you. Your children deserve more than this.
Yes it can be stressful and unpleasant getting out, but do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?
He should not be checking where your stuff is. You would probably find if he wasn’t around hassling and flustering you, you wouldn’t lose things.
And what is nice about him telling you about his day at lunchtime- is he interested in your day?

Even if he was only shouting at you and not at the kids, the fact that he’s criticising/shouting at you IN FRONT of the kids makes him a bad father and husband. I’m going through something similar and I’m making plans to leave. I’d rather not get divorced but I know this has to be a better option than spending the rest of my life in a toxic and unhappy marriage. Plus I don’t want my kids to grow up and think it’s ok to treat women like this. My confidence has hit rock bottom but I know I deserve better. And you do too!! I only wish I’d not waited this long as now my boys are 10 and 12 and been exposed to far too much negativity and toxicity in this house - I can only hope it’s not too late and that long term damage is minimum. My advice to you is get out now and don’t make the same mistake as me by thinking that things will get better, they won’t!

It's easy to be lovely sometimes OP.
My x managed that as well.

I was micro managed and made to doubt myself too. It's not a good way to live. I ended up getting a stutter with him.

Date nights and talking to him are pointless. He feels entitled to control you.

I once read an analogy of stress being like a very full cup of coffee, every time more is added the cup over flows.

Your husband maybe naturally grumpy but now he is at his quota and every time something goes wrong his cup spills over and you see the result, anger, shouting, seeking control.

He probably feels it too, we usually do but feeling it and doing something about it are different abilities.

Couples therapy could definitely help you both, good luck to you, all is not lost.

Couples therapy/couples counseling/marriage counseling, joint counselling of any type is not recommended with an abuser ... Which he is.

Individual counselling might help op.

And we've naturally focused in the drill instructor inspections & criticism, bit op says he criticises everything. So even if she totally solved her scattiness (which many of us can identify with) it would something else.

This man would have to do huge work on himself, and acknowledge his behaviour is wrong in order to do it. That is as rare as hen's teeth.

Because it's fundamentally a "values" problem. His values and views .

Agree. Individual counselling yes.
Couples therapy is for some sort of impasse, or conmunication issue. I went for a few sessions with my x and he came across like some poor dopey beleagred little man who just didnt have the emotional range to treat me well.

What did you personally learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

A man like your H will not go to counselling because he feels absolutely entitled to act like he does. He thinks there is nothing wrong here nor does he think he is doing anything wrong with regards to you. He actively likes having such power and control over you and his children.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. This is no marriage to remain in basically because he has you conditioned into thinking that you are useless (you're not). People can and do become more distracted when they are constantly in a state of high alert like you are with him (this is another form of trauma), no-one else would want you, the kids would be so called "devastated" in your mind (they really would not) and this from him is all you deserve.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is NONE. Did you never get that memo?.

All your posts here are all words of an abuse victim along with the denial and or minimizing of abuse. I bet too he can and does buy what he likes; no second hand stuff for him?. The "nice" man he was, was an act and one he could never maintain for any real length of time. I would also think he was abusive to you prior to marriage as well; abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy, is insidious and creeps up on people unawares just like it has done with you.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here from you two?. You are teaching them still that currently at least, his treatment of you and in turn them, is acceptable to you.

Abuse also is not about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control.

Would you want your children as adults to be in such a marriage?. What would you think if they were?.

Counselling for you solely is a must as well as the Freedom Programme by Womens Aid. No to any joint counselling because this is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You would not be emotionally safe enough to do such a session with him and he would continue to make you pay for any and all "transgressions".

Well done. You know something is wrong with your husband. You have a lot to think about. It's the first small steps and they're always the hardest. You can't imagine your life without him because you're living it and have been from very young. Until we experience this type of abuse we think abuse isn't the right word. Use whatever word you want. Control. Overbearing. Grumpy. It doesn't matter you recognise it. You can post on here for advice and you will get some good advice but that can also feel controlling, being told what you need to do and how you should do it. But it's women, like me too, who have been through it and come out the other side and know you will be happier. Your children will be happier. But it's not something that happens quickly. It took me over 2 years and I wasn't very young when I got with him. I was middle aged and I knew it was wrong but it still took time. YOU HAVE GOT THIS

He's calling you at lunchtime to check up on you. It's control.
Are you sure he's not moving/hiding things without you knowledge so you think you're going mad?
He is not a loving husband. Most of your posts you are defending him or contradicting yourself.
Your head is a muddle, how he wants it to be to keep you in line.

I've only read the first page but his behaviour is horrible. Sounds as though he can be perfectly nice if he chooses to, and I will take a punt that he is nice to you and the children if there is anyone else around.

Am I right in thinking that you use your income to buy everything for the children/days out etc.? So do his wages solely go on household expenses? That seems unfair whichever way I look at that.

Does he shout at work colleagues when they mess up or does he talk to them like a reasonable person?

If he is so concerned by your losing things such as keys then he could easily get spares I would hazard a guess that if you weren't feeling pressured all the time, you would be able to remember where you put things.

This is not a good environment for a child. This shows them that this sort of situation is normal/acceptable.

@AttilaTheMeerkat messages from parents can take decades to unravel. My parents have a very close marriage but I realised in the run up to fifty that I'd been scapegoated as the sensitive, paranoid and emotional one. That's not the truth. My parents just met NONE of my emotional needs, and if I ever asked for support I was told I was dramatic or sensitive. If I recounted instances where somebody had been unpleasant to me, I was told I was paranoid. I ended up in a relationship with an abusive man. Of course I did. When I left him, my parents were supportive. But their truth is still the truth. The only way to have a pleasant relationship is to play the part of their daughter. I cannot be me. Took me so long to realise that they scapegoated me as demanding, paranoid, sensitive & emotional because they shut me down and stonewalled me whenever I wanted to talk. I thought scapegoating was more overt, like, name - calling out of nowhere. My mother is not speaking to me atm because I was so hurt when she blythely brushed over decades of labelling me paranoid and sensitive with a brush of her hand and 'move on'. I just thought 'nope' unsubscribing from this narrative. But she reverse - martyred the narrative to make me the hurtful one. Now the family is MOBBING me. I hurt Mum. I do SEE this for the bullshit it is, but I swear, I only started noticing that my mum is above reproach, that I am not allowed to be hurt by hurt and that if I am, that is an aggression that I have perpetrated against HER at about forty.

Ps, and sorry for the essay here, but because THEY have a good marriage I didn't see that I had internalised so many harmful messages, to support their blindspots.

Am I right in thinking that you use your income to buy everything for the children/days out etc.

No we do treat out money as a joint pot. He really doesn't buy anything much for himself. His money goes on the family expenses or on nights out with friends. (or on paying off debts) mine goes on the kids and food and also some bills but neither of us really have much left over.

Does he shout at work colleagues when they mess up or does he talk to them like a reasonable person? No, he is a very calm man publically. I've never seen him shout at anyone but me and our children. He would never speak to a friend, colleague or his parents/siblings like this.

... and thanks so much for all the messages. I am finding this thread really useful.

I am taking it all in, it is gonna take time for me to get my head round things. I have decided to keep a diary over the next few days, both of his outbursts and of my scattiness. He was lovely this morning. And it made me question everything so I need to keep a record so I can look back and remind myself I think. Is that blowing hot and cold?

My father was very controlling and abusive - some of what you say about your husband sounds familiar. My mother was convinced that marriage was for life and that divorce was something other people chose. My siblings and I (at 50, I am the youngest) are all single, have all had a string of disastrous relationships and all have issues with closeness, attachments etc. I'm not blaming my parents for this, but we had no idea what a happy relationship looked like. When my father died two years ago, none of us felt grief for him exactly - regret, definitely - and it's much easier going to see my mother now than it was when he was there. I really don't think that staying together for the children is always the best plan - ALL my mother's grandchildren have divorced or sole (me) parents.

Yes it’s part of the pattern, if he was constantly shouty and horrid you would leave.

If he is nice from time to time it keeps you hooked, you hope this is the ‘real’ him, and so you stay and try to ‘do better’ so you don’t upset him and the nice version stays.

Unfortunately that isn’t the real him, and when he reverts to inspections, criticism and shouting you feel that you are in some way to blame because if you hadn’t done/said/misplaced/dealt with the dc better he wouldn’t have had to shout.

You do know he doesn’t have to behave that way at all, he doesn’t do it to others, but he feels entitled enough to be that way to you and your dc. Don’t forget the impact on them, never being sure if it’s nice or nasty daddy.

A child that has had a nightmare needs comforting. Instead, your child is being trained to feel responsible for his fathers emotions, in just the same way you have been.

Read the Stately Homes threads and look at how many of us have no contact with our parents, because one is abusive and the other ''passively'' watched it happen.

He’ll probably sense a shift in you and start being really lovely now. It won’t last.

No, he is a very calm man publically. I've never seen him shout at anyone but me and our children. He would never speak to a friend, colleague or his parents/siblings like this.

Ah yes, all these angry, grumpy, temperamental men who can't control their tempers need to go for anger management (some poster will always pop up saying that) .... Who somehow manage not to be angry, shouty, grumpy, temperamental etc to everyone but their wife and kids.

What a coincidence.