Husband makes me feel awful

[Adviceneeded2020]

Hi sorry I have just opened an account to post this but have had other accounts in the past.

I am really worried about what's happened to my relationship and wondering whether to stay and I just need advice as I can't talk to anyone IRL.

Over the last few years my relationship with DH has got very negative. He criticises me constantly. There will always be something I have done wrong. I've been sitting and thinking about it and I can't remember tha last time he praised me. I work part time but am at home with the kids at the moment and am doing my work remotely in the evenings and at weekends
I find myself rushing around in the half hour before he's due home tidying up and cleaning.( I have three kids and have been homeschooling 2 while looking after a toddler and keeping up with my work so the housework doesn't really get much of a look in during the week)so that he has nothing to criticise when he walks in, he always finds something. As soon as he walks in he checks where my phone, keys and purse are. I am quite forgetful and clumsy and have lost these things in the past so have never minded him doing it but just recently I've found it a bit overbearing, he shouts at me if they are not where they should be. They are almost always somewhere sensible like my handbag or occasionally on the side but this will then lead to a lecture about putting them back in the right place. I suppose I am older now and what I used to see as sweet is making me feel claustrophobic.

He always criticise everything I do and so I end up not doing it and be takes over. When I food shop I spend too much or forget something vital, when he goes he comes home raving about how well he's done and how little he's spent and how we will make it last all week. If he forgets something and I say something he gets arsey and says things like "I can't be expected to do everything"

The real thing that upsets me is how it's impacting on the children. He snaps at them for the smallest things. He was really shouting at DS today because he woke up with a nightmare. He also snaps at me in front of them and belittles me. DS woke up because of a nightmare but shortly before I had gone to bed and made what he considered to be too much noise so he came up and shouted at me for waking DS up, in front of DS. I don't know how to deal with that. If I argue back then we are arguing in front of them which is horrible and if I take it then I am teaching them it's ok.

To offer balance I am difficult in many ways, I'm quite disorganised so I do mislay things and I'm not great with money and often overspend although I feel I am improving. Our finances aren't great as a family but we both have steady incomes and are gradually getting our debts down. I know he worries about money and I add to it in his opinion. I don't buy myself treats, if I buy clothes I try and get second hand. I only buy things for the children, food and pay for outings for us and gifts for others. (Obviously no outings at moment) but money is tight and he doesn't really understand how much things like school uniform and shoes cost so it causes a lot of arguments. I also know that we don't always agree on parenting, he sees me as soft but I have a much more gentle but firm approach where he would shout, send to rooms and withhold pocket money I would prefer to talk to the children about their behaviour, use natural consequences and try and look for root causes (like tiredness)

So basically our marriage has become toxic. I never talk to him about anything I'm thinking or feeling because I don't feel he will listen to me and I don't feel he cares about me. When I try he often answers in a way which makes me think he hasn't even heard me or brushes my statement off as untrue or misguided. He doesn't know or take an interest in things going on in my life. If something happened to me that wasn't going to directly affect him I don't know if I would even bother to tell him, he wouldn't care! As a result of all this I would say I have forgotten how I used to feel. I see an angry bitter man when I look at my husband. So it may seem obvious I should leave but he isn't always this bad. He has days where he is quite sweet and most days he will text me a nice message or ring at lunch and tell me about his day. The main reason that I can't just leave is that my parents divorced when I was DS' age and it was horrendous. I really struggled with it and have had counselling as an adult as a result. I just don't want my children to go through what I went through. I know some divorces can be amicable but I am sure ours wouldn't be. I witnessed horrible arguments and I'll never forget them.

So can anyone offer me their opinions/advice? Do you think marriage counselling would help us? Do you think the children are better watching is argue or seeing us divorce? If we divorce and it means they spend half their time with him will it mean they spend half their time walking on eggshells like me? Aren't they better off with me here to prevent that all the time?

"why does he do that, inside the minds of angry men .." is primarily about physical abuse, butt does cover all kinds of abuse and is s very insightful read.

Skip to the "myths about abuse" if you want to get into it quickly (online free version);

www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Also the abuser profiles parties v useful.

*part, not parties

@thebeachismyhappyplace2

OP - how long has he been like this for?

It just gets worse as time goes on but it's been years since I've felt like I am not walking on eggshells. I feel like he's forgotten why he loved me.and now just sees me as the person he lives with who looks after his kids ( and does a poor job of that) he himself says we need some alone time and I do wonder if that's what causes it but then I think that's all very well but what happens when we get back to normality?

On another note do you think he would want to have the children 50% of the time if you split? I think he would, yes. He loves the children he just doesn't have as much patience with them as I have. He sees my patience as softness and lack of discipline.

Your relationship sounds a bit like mine.

I’m a disorganised spender whereas my OH is organised and thinks he has the right to tell me what to do. He’s extremely critical if I don’t put things back where he’s decided them to go and he gets particularly nit picky and grumpy when he’s stressed at work.

I don’t think he’s abusive I think he’s just bossy and thinks he is the boss...it’s just his personality type. I have to keep it in check because If I forget and let him get away with it for too long it does chip away at me and get me down and ends up coming to an explosive head where we argue and I tell him that he’s no f-Ing right to tell me what to do or where to put things or what to spend My money on and if he doesn’t like me he can f&ck off.

I have to stand up for myself to get what I want. To some people maybe that sounds abusive...maybe it is, but he’s a good husband, devoted dad and works hard to provide for us....he’s just got a very dominant personality and he’s in charge at work and I think sometimes forgets that he’s not in charge at home.

Fundamentally we are happy....I can honestly say I’ve never been in a relationship where arguments don’t happen...and I speak to a lot of women who also have grumpy annoying husbands, I don’t think it automatically makes them abusive and the grass won’t always be greener.

Some people just have irritating aspects to their personality. I get offended when my OH tries to boss me around...he did explain to me that he gets offended when I leave the place in a mess or lose his stuff because he hates that kind of thing.

I don’t think he’s abusive I think he’s just bossy and thinks he is the boss...it’s just his personality type.

He comes in the door and questions her about where her possessions are, makes her show him where they are (or aren't) and gets angry, critical etc. if they aren't where he thinks they should be and she has "slipped up" (or he changes the rules so she has).

Op says he constantly criticises her.

He's abusive.

He's also shouted at a child for having a nightmare, and ok described him as being regularly grumpy, angry etc around the children.

He's abusive to the kids as well.

He's abusive.

I was referring to my OH not the husband in question when I said he’s not abusive.

That is a bit strange, having to show him possessions. Op when he asks u why don’t u feel u can tell him to F off?

Yes agreed shouting at a child having a nightmare is awful, although my oh has got a bit annoyed at toddler for waking up screaming continuously all night before...not yelling but definitely given them a stern talking to...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Getting into your partner would be a derail but;

*If I forget and let him get away with it for too long it does chip away at me and get me down and ends up coming to an explosive head where we argue and I tell him that he’s no f-Ing right to tell me what to do or where to put things or what to spend My money on ....

I have to stand up for myself to get what I want. To some people maybe that sounds abusive...maybe it is*

That sounds exhausting, combative, and it shouldn't be necessary. It doesn't sound healthy that someone has to spend their life being aware of being bullied and having to push or fight back against the bully on a regular basis. Also for what reason dud your child scream/cry a lot during that night .. it's rarely fir no reason .. a "stern talking to" to a little child?

It feels like you're minimising or normalising bullying men, and therefore are detrimental to op's welfare itt.

I had a relationship that became increasingly combative (not physically) with a "fiery" man with various issues .. did I take his shit without fighting back .. fuck no.

Did that mean I wasn't being abused though.

No, I was still being abused just staying in the relationship.

It took time to realise that.

How do your dc cope with his fluctuating moods? Are they learning to modify their behaviours to avoid being shouted at?

It must be very confusing to see an angry parent who then wants cuddles and to read stories. That inconsistency is likely to affect their self esteem and anxiety levels too. They also may struggle to trust adults as one of their role models is frankly scary.

I would really recommend individual counselling for you. It really helped me understand that a relationship I was in was toxic, that my poor mental health and anxiety were directly related to that. It helped me become strong enough (plus support on MN) to end the relationship. I am much happier, mentally stable and far stronger than I thought I was.

These are unhappy men who in my opinion are a disappointment to themselves- rather than take action though they need a whipping post- in this case it’s you and the kids OP. It’s how he feels ‘in control’ by being controlling to you. You aren’t a child and he is treating you like one— I think you need an honest cards on the table chat- tell him you don’t feel the same because you feel you can do nothing right.

Marriage counselling isn’t going to help if he isn’t interested in a partnership

By the sounds of it he treats you like a child (and he treats you like shit) if the first thing my DH did when he got home was demand to know where MY possessions were I’d be telling him where the fuck to go (regardless of if id lost them 100 times before)

You deserve better OP, don’t stay in this toxic relationship for the benefit of your DC - they will ultimately be more damaged by that than any divorce

The thing is that the OP probably would have told her husband to fuck off if he had tried these stunts several years ago but the eroding of self confidence is done over time. Little digs, jokes in front of other people, taking over decisions slowly, then when it gets to this stage there is no way the OP would do that, she’s lost her confidence in her own abilities and believes the rhetoric.

That is a bit strange, having to show him possessions. Op when he asks u why don’t u feel u can tell him to F off?

I have in the past. I can't really explain why I don't anymore, only that I feel so ground down by it all. I don't want another argument, it's just easier to keep the purse in the right place. Starting this thread has made me realise how tired I am of it all. The idea of starting yet another conversation with him about this just makes me feel exhausted, I have tried and tried, I don't think I can face it anymore. I'm not scared, not at all. I'm just tired and sad.

I speak to a lot of women who also have grumpy annoying husbands, I don’t think it automatically makes them abusive and the grass won’t always be greener.. This is my worry. Is it really abusive to be grumpy with your family? Is it really better to put the children through a divorce? I have no idea whether I'm minimising his actions or not I just am really surprised so many people think he's abusive and sad that this thread makes it seem there's no hope for us. Really really sad.

Just because you mention this as a comparison I am forgetful and scatty. Actually my keys have also been down a grid, in a fridge and just vanished. I have left them in cars, in doors and shops. I leak bank cards and and belongings have full stop. I am dreadful with dates and times and cause all sorts of chaos. These are funny stories in my family. My dh thinks quite fondly of them - he is never horrid about it because he accepts this is just me - even when I try hard. He loves me so despite the fact I am pretty irritating he isn’t irritated. He also isn’t a dick to our kids, doesn’t model horrid behaviours and isn’t grumpy and impossible to talk to.

It is sad yours is like this but actually your days often sound sad. They could be happy.

criticises me constantly. There will always be something I have done wrong.

Sorry. That's just his way. It's not you. It's him.

Stop trying "to fix him" or ask "what have I done?"

You've done nothing.
He can't help being like that either. It's how he is.

(Well he could if he was willing to work on himself, but most men are into their ego rather than humility and spirituality)

RUN!!

It is sad yours is like this but actually your days often sound sad. They could be happy

I'm not convinced they could. I would be so sad to see my marriage end, I may never get over it and it would break my kids hearts. I'm not convinced I can be happy without him. I can't even imagine what it would be like or how I'd cope.

really better to put the children through a divorce?

Fuck yes! --unless you wanna hang out in the 1950's.

Your kids won't thank you for giving you a prototype of how to live in a crap relationship....

I don't know why you think that a divorce would be harder on your children than living with a man who shouts at them all the time and them having to grow up walking on eggshells around him like you do. This is not a way to live, honestly. I hope the replies here will help you think on. It's really not going to get better, only worse. You deserve better.

Yeah but that’s because now you are stuck in it all. You need to heal. Your kids will have better fun with you alone than they do now. Your marriage is hard work - I think harder work than you know.

The partner you’re describing sounds just like my dad. My mum divorced him when I was a kid, I remember it well. The first thing I’d say is that the divorce didn’t mess me up half as much as the way he treated her beforehand did - I’ve ended up in relationships with men who are just the same, because of the example I was set. It’s been rocky over the years but I now have a half decent relationship with my dad. He’s mellowed over the years and whilst how he treats his current partner still makes me sad, it’s not as bad as it was with my mum. I don’t hate him, he’s my dad, but I’m so happy him and my mum didn’t stay together - they were bad for each other. He wasnt all bad either - no one is - but he was bad for her and for our family. Only you can decide what to do op but honestly the divorce won’t hurt them as much as seeing you unhappy will. They will learn from your relationship and use it as a model for what relationships should be - primary socialisation. I really, really feel for you though, this is a hard position to be in and I’ve been there when a post ends up with the responses you least expected and maybe didn’t want to hear because it’s painful. Hope you get to a place where you can be happy and have hope again, you deserve it and don’t let anyone make you feel like you don’t.

I've re read your posts @Adviceneeded2020 and I can understand why you don't want to divorce him. Therefore, you have to change the dynamics of your relationship and probably the best thing to do is go for counselling. In the meantime, next time he asks you where your purse or keys are tell him to mind his own business, stand up for yourself! You can't allow him to treat you this way anymore.

You sound very much like me. My husband thinks it's funny, he's good at everything and at first he couldn't believe my scattiness. But he loves me and knows I don't do it on purpose, I would love to be super organised but I find it too hard. Explain to him this is who you are and you're sick of being judged and if he dosen't like it then he's not the man for you.
A marriage is a team, he is not on your side. Ask him why he's so moody maybe he's stressed. Whatever the reason don't put up with it!