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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

454 replies

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 18:42

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like Confused

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

OP posts:
gryffindor1987 · 15/07/2020 06:41

Op run !!!! He's only with you for what he can get ! My
Mother was with a man like this and turned out he didn't have a pot to piss in ! Got with women just so he could have stability . Marry him if you want but I would be doing a prenup not for him to have anything

claireb707 · 15/07/2020 06:42

@gryffindor1987

Op run !!!! He's only with you for what he can get ! My Mother was with a man like this and turned out he didn't have a pot to piss in ! Got with women just so he could have stability . Marry him if you want but I would be doing a prenup not for him to have anything
RTFT!!!
gryffindor1987 · 15/07/2020 06:45

Oh
My god op . Wanted to wait to suprise his mother ! It's not a bloody suprise he's been married before 😂 he's thinking of this particular excuse to make you feel guilty ! He's even worse than I thought 🤢 get rid of this pathetic user you can do so much better ! And be with a man who doesn't want you just so he can get stability

gryffindor1987 · 15/07/2020 06:47

Me again lol just read the other post where he said youv left me no choose but to stay at his ex ! He wants you to reply you bloody ain't your coming back home also prob wants you to
Worry and think that they will be getting up to something 😂 I highly doubt he's back at his ex's . I wouldn't reply at all and I would end it now .

GaraMedouar · 15/07/2020 06:57

OP - I had very similar indeed. But I was stuck for 7 years. By this time we’d had a DC together so it was harder to ask him to leave. Of course he doesn’t pay maintenance now - just posts pics on fb showing what a wonderful dad he is! He is now cocklodging at a new girlfriend now. I’m wondering how long it will take her to wise up.

Boohoohoohooho · 15/07/2020 07:42

Glad you got rid of him.

Mumof2babies · 15/07/2020 08:05

I'm sorry but after reading the proposal came AFTER he asked about your house .I would say he doesnt want to marry you because he loves you
He wants to marry you so he can have 50% of everything you have I'd he divorces you..ie house , any money you may have
He doesnt seek genuine at all

Tappering · 15/07/2020 08:07

Read
The
Full
Thread

OP had dumped him.

AuntieDolly · 15/07/2020 08:47

He's not going to marry you because you are so much better than that. Well done op!

Sexnotgender · 15/07/2020 14:59

Well done OP, you’ve absolutely done the right thing.

Just be careful, abusers are at their most dangerous when they have nothing more to lose.

footprintsintheslow · 15/07/2020 18:30

How are you doing today OP?

ticktackted · 16/07/2020 09:28

@poppiesredfred I hope you're ok - I've been thinking about you!

Girlsjustwanna · 16/07/2020 21:44

Worried about your silence op....

groundrightdown · 16/07/2020 23:35

He sounded bad enough from your first post - a future faking, feckless freeloader, but subsequent revelations have been awful! Getting drunk, being physically abusive to the point of leaving bruises and then laughing it off in the morning!! And he did that in a relationship of (at the time) less than 2 years. Just imagine what he'd feel comfortable getting away with after 10 years.

Thank goodness you got away from this vile man. You got out before being tied to him through marriage and that's to be proud of.

Ariela · 17/07/2020 00:52

@poppiesredfred I'm also going to take this ring to a jeweller for valuation to see. It's being given to him as his property regardless obviously but I just want to know. It will tell a tale I'm sure.

Have a quick look in Argos online. Bet you find the exact ring there.

user1481840227 · 17/07/2020 01:41

He was asking casually how inequality in house ownership in a relationship could be resolved. He is still sorting his previous finances out, house etc. He said what about our situation?

Sorry what? Why would it be equal? you've been together for 2 years, paid for everything and for some reason he thinks he should have an equal share in your house?

JustKittenAround · 17/07/2020 02:19

@user1481840227

He was asking casually how inequality in house ownership in a relationship could be resolved. He is still sorting his previous finances out, house etc. He said what about our situation?

Sorry what? Why would it be equal? you've been together for 2 years, paid for everything and for some reason he thinks he should have an equal share in your house?

Did you read the full thread?

You and folks like you are so tiresome. Popping off without all the readily available info, quick to chime in when what you’ve said has been said many times.

Tiresome... an internet stranger is tired of you... let that soak in

OP I hope you’re OK. You might have taken him back and are embarrassed. Hopefully you’ll check in and at least let us know you’re ok. He did not sound like a man you could safely ignore.

LJenn · 17/07/2020 11:13

Can we ALL just chill out here instead of jumping down everyone's throats? It's all cool guys... smile .. it's Friday 🥳. Hope all is well OP🙏🏻💐💐

GilbertMarkham · 17/07/2020 13:00

Tiresome... an internet stranger is tired of you... let that soak in

I would imagine v few people would gaf about a random internet stranger finding them tiresome lol

Anyway, who cares - it actually bears saying repeatedly by numerous people that his attitude is mind boggling and extremely avaristic/exploitative.

I've had threads and every single person whom chimed in saying wtf and making the same point reinforced by belief that I was not wrong. It was v helpful.

GilbertMarkham · 17/07/2020 13:01

*my belief

ZooKeeper19 · 17/07/2020 13:56

@poppiesredfred this is alarming! And You've paid large bills for him, and now he wants you to have a cheap ring? Why won't he sell the other ring? you are in for a bad disappointment I am afraid. The PP is right. Unless I am missing something, you will be badly off money-wise with a man like this. Please do consider keeping your finances completely separate, he is not to be added to your house, and better stay financially independent even if married. I smell trouble.

SoPanny · 17/07/2020 14:10

THE OP HAS DUMPED HIM PEOPLE

THE OP HAS DUMPED HIM

FFS

THE OP HAS DUMPED HIM

BendyLikeBeckham · 17/07/2020 14:35

brilliant news you've chucked him OP. He sounds like a bastard, not just a money grubbing one either.

Keep the ring as collateral or part payment towards his debt to you. Do not send it back. He owes you money which you can evidence. Use the small claims procedure which is cheap and quick.

BestestBrownies · 17/07/2020 17:25

Wow! Hats off to you OP.

It can’t have been easy and you must surely feel a right mug, but please remember that you are nothing of the sort. You were targeted at a personal low point by a cunning, manipulative, abusive scumbag.

Hold your head high. You’re awesome!!

Battytwatty · 17/07/2020 18:06

OMG !!!!
this must the worst thread I have ever seen where people will not

READ

THE

FUCKING

THREAD

before posting

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