Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

454 replies

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 18:42

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like Confused

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

OP posts:
poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 19:34

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Why was he telling a waiter in a random restaurant that there "might be a big even next year" anyway? What's it got to do with him?
The waiter was promoting their re-opening offers including the 'Date Night' promotion and jokingly said 'he could propose' nudge, wink.... that's when he said it.
OP posts:
Hormonecrazyhell · 13/07/2020 19:35

Sounds a catch 😒

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 19:35

@poppiesredfred

We live together but the house is in my name as I bought it with my divorce settlement and an inheritance from my mother. He asked, in a casual conversation, how it could be made more equal and I said either I change the deeds or we get married, I think that's the only way. This proposal has come afterwards. He's been out of work for various periods of our relationship which is when I have paid his bills - trying to be supportive.
WHAT!!!!!! no wonder he wants to marry you! he gets half your house! and he's been out of work for several stretches so you've footed his bills.......

He's a cocklodger OP. FFS do not put him on the deeds or marry him.

Are you really this naive?

Lozzerbmc · 13/07/2020 19:36

I think its a massive red flag he is asking about your house being “more equal “ and now wants to marry you which would give him a share if you split. If you do marry him protect your house legally its your asset for the future.

category12 · 13/07/2020 19:36

How could it be made more equal? By him paying his way and paying for a share of the house if you want it to be a joint asset. By not mooching off you.

Bemorechicken · 13/07/2020 19:37

@poppiesredfred

We live together but the house is in my name as I bought it with my divorce settlement and an inheritance from my mother. He asked, in a casual conversation, how it could be made more equal and I said either I change the deeds or we get married, I think that's the only way. This proposal has come afterwards. He's been out of work for various periods of our relationship which is when I have paid his bills - trying to be supportive.
He's a cocklodger. You are ignoring flashing lights rights in 20ft high letters.

Why would you give this man 50% of your house for nothing -just why!!????????
Protect it. Ring fence it legally -it's called protecting yourself.
An ex wife and an ex finacee - are alarm bells not ringing???
Firstly -yes, fine the house it's worth 500K you give me £250K and you can have 50%.
FFS.
All the gaslighting and the cheap ring and la la la. Next he will be asking you to buy your own ring and pay for the marriage etc.
Suggest he buys his own house and

Headandheart · 13/07/2020 19:38

Why weren’t the finances sorted when he divorced?

I can’t believe he told you, you want it, you pay for it.

Nor why he is telling a random waiter about the ‘big event’ but you can’t tell family or friends.

I think he will be stringing you along for a long time.

Lardlizard · 13/07/2020 19:38

Could he be playing on re using the diamond ? Is that why he’s held onto it so long

Either way I don’t like the way he’s messing you about

fflelp · 13/07/2020 19:39

I x-posted with this:
We live together but the house is in my name as I bought it with my divorce settlement and an inheritance from my mother. He asked, in a casual conversation, how it could be made more equal and I said either I change the deeds or we get married, I think that's the only way. This proposal has come afterwards. He's been out of work for various periods of our relationship which is when I have paid his bills - trying to be supportive.

What the absolute fuck??
You'd have to be absolute away with the mixer to even think of marrying this guy. Why the fuck should it be more equal? That's your divorce settlement and your inheritance.
For the love of God and all that is holy (or for the love of whatever), DO NOT change the deeds. DO NOT marry this man.
His working history is dodgy as fuck too. I lived with a bloke like that once. Massive cocklodger. I got rid of him long before it got anywhere near marriage.

If you do marry him or you change the deeds, this fucker will hang around for a while and then do off taking you for as much as he possibly can get.

Can I say it one more time?
DO NOT marry this cocklodger.

AnneKipanki · 13/07/2020 19:39

Run.

ShellsAndSunrises · 13/07/2020 19:41

He’s marrying you for half of your house. You’d be insane to go through with this.

Lordamighty · 13/07/2020 19:41

Hot on getting his hands on half your house, cold on buying a ring and paying for a wedding.

PicsInRed · 13/07/2020 19:41

@poppiesredfred

We live together but the house is in my name as I bought it with my divorce settlement and an inheritance from my mother. He asked, in a casual conversation, how it could be made more equal and I said either I change the deeds or we get married, I think that's the only way. This proposal has come afterwards. He's been out of work for various periods of our relationship which is when I have paid his bills - trying to be supportive.
Noooooooooooo!

DO NOT MARRY HIM!

He wants your house. Cohabitate if your must, have children even, but not with this guy but do not marry! Who ever you marry will clip 50% on the way out - and leave you as the woman still doing the bulk of the work and bearing the bulk of the cost.

poppiesredfred · 13/07/2020 19:41

@Holyrivolli

So you’re dangling shared ownership of the house as a way of getting him to marry you. Why would you do this? Are you that desperate to marry him?
No, not at all. I'm happy to stay just living together. I love him very much but I don't feel the need to marry. He was asking casually how inequality in house ownership in a relationship could be resolved. He is still sorting his previous finances out, house etc. He said what about our situation? I said we either marry or I change the deeds in a factual sense, not as a request. I had no idea he ever wanted to marry again. We'd both previously stated we had no interest in marrying again. I hadn't moved position (my previous marriage was a happy one but we just grew apart and I was happy to just live together and stay that way) having talked about the future, I didn't think he wanted to be married again. Evidently he does, and as I love him, believed him. I'm just confused at the u-turn and subsequent odd behaviour. My ex husband and I shouted it from the roof tops, we were so happy and sure. We chose a lovely ring together and it just felt normal, for want of a better word.
OP posts:
Lardlizard · 13/07/2020 19:41

Sounds like you are in a comfortable position
Don’t let him risk you losing that
Sounds like you both are older ? So really there’s no need to be married these days
Keep what you have for yourself

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/07/2020 19:42

What sort of divorce settlement is he expecting to get? Can you give us an idea.

Maybe you could wait until he gets his settlement and then put equal amounts of money into a new home for both of you, and then get married.

category12 · 13/07/2020 19:42

Next he will be asking you to buy your own ring and pay for the marriage etc.

He has already: OP said Last weekend we saw somewhere it would be good to have a reception and he said 'if it's what you want, book it but can you pay for it.

LexMitior · 13/07/2020 19:42

He’s taking you for a fool. Up to you whether you are one.

Howyiz · 13/07/2020 19:42

Why does he need a financial settlement from his ex fiancee?
And as others have already stated stop paying for him! You've only known him 2 years and in that time he has had 'a few periods of unemployment'.
He must be great in bed! Confused

overlooker · 13/07/2020 19:42

If you marry him, he gets half of your house! Surely you’ve been through too much to have to give that up!! Why why why? He’s so flakey and taking money off you. He sees you as a dollar sign. God do not do this!! Tell him it makes sense to have a prenup as you want your house protected. Say you want that done before getting married. See how keen he is then!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 13/07/2020 19:46

He is a cocklodger who wants your money. That’s his love here, not you.

Your own boundaries here are getting more skewed by this manipulative man.

DoIneed1 · 13/07/2020 19:47

Don't marry him.

dontgobaconmyheart · 13/07/2020 19:47

OP, for the love of god, do not legally arrange your property to go to this chancer.

He may like you to some extent sure but he is on the make and knows dangling a wedding works.

Don't let him be holding all the cards like this OP. Ypu don't have to prove to him what a great partner you are in the hopes he will marry you by 'supporting' (paying for) him, accepting a dog shit haribo ring instead of a real one (when his ex got better). Look at what you're actually getting, not what he says you'll get, because the two seem wildly different.

Don't romanticize stuff like that or it will be the undoing of you is all I can say. Put your foot down, say the engagement is off because really it's just a farce anyway, and see what he does.

We would all deserve better OP, he sounds immature and manipulative and you'll never know if he actually cares for you if you wait around letting him guide your lifestyle actions because his choices will always benefit him but not you. Says it all surely.

Headandheart · 13/07/2020 19:48

I also think you are going to get the ring he has already got.

TwentyViginti · 13/07/2020 19:48

Not sure if pre nups carry much weight in the UK.

OP surely you understand now he's in it for the cash and comfort you provide? Cheap ring.... you pay for the reception.....paying his bills......c'mon!