He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

[poppiesredfred]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

It's been a while coming. Little things since he moved in that I've excused (self esteem, embarrassment, loneliness - list goes on - I accept all these things have gone on as I've been weak) there's so much more but it's this recent behaviour surrounding suddenly wanting to be married but all a secret which has just been so odd that's made me come to my senses as even I, in my foolishness, know is off.

I do have a series of texts surrounding the car repair and subsequent request to pay me back at (originally £100 a month! But I asked for £250) but not as much concrete on the other stuff. But I'm going to use anything I have in that way to st least, for my own sake, try to recover money.

I'm also going to take this ring to a jeweller for valuation to see. It's being given to him as his property regardless obviously but I just want to know. It will tell a tale I'm sure.

Well done OP you’re being so sensible and strong. Don’t be embarrassed, we’ve all made poor judgements but you’ve seen the light faster than an awful lot of people do!

I just wanted to say OP well done for ending this relationship and stay strong. You sound like such a kind and lovely person. Your priorities are to stay safe and look after yourself.

My initial thought was to get the ring valued because he owes you so much money. But after a PP has mentioned it is likely to be low value and I don't think it's worth your effort. Plus with his history of abuse, withholding the ring could cause you more problems.

It won't seem like it yet but you have had a lucky escape, just think what you could have lost if you had married him. Plus his nasty and abusive ways would likely have got much worse over time.

I hope you have the support you need.
It's a cliche but time is a great healer. Do things you enjoy and make you smile.

Could you post a photo of the ring?

Oh noooooo he's a con artist love

Well done OP! You're fantastic. Keep going, keep ignoring and don't look back. You're worth more than that x

I think jewellers charge for valuations & he isn’t worth either the time or effort, let alone the cost. 9ct gold & small stones is not an expensive ring which is probably why he hasn’t sold it already.

OP, I’ve been in your shoes down to the haribo ring shenanigans, unlucky in love stuff

I think you’ve been amazing taking such decisive action

I know that when the scales fall from your eyes....it’s really hard to accept it

I don’t know how old you are as I’ve not read your full thread yet but I left my cocklodger at 32 and was married to a georgeous fella by 34. One of the benefits to a situation like this is it really heightens your bullshit detector and makes you focus on what you actually want in a life partner.

Unsurprisingly for me a stable job and obvious integrity was top of the list !

But @MadCattery your arrangement only protects your asset if you die. It is not propltected if you divorce, as courts automatically see the house (and everything else) as joint assets. This is why everyone was concerned for OP and her boyfriend's underlying motives. Marriage joins assets. In this country the basic position is that prenups are of limited value, wills can be changed and if people don't want to combine assets, they should not marry.

You've dodged a bullet OP. And you've done amazingly well in following that intuition you knew things were not quite right, and then getting this loser out of your life so quickly. Amazing.

Don't feel embarrassed/ashamed - the embarrassment belongs to him, not you. He should feel ashamed in how much he's used you and abused you. You were in a vulnerable spot and he took advantage.

But ultimately you weren't that vulnerable because you spotted what he was up to. Some people would bury their head in the sand (like my friend did, who got conned) because they not want to be alone.

Sorry I meant unlucky at work stuff!!

@poppiesredfred
Oh gosh he has also physically abused you, alongside the financial abuse.
Stay strong in your resolve to get rid of this leech who wants half your house.

@Lordamighty I agree, there is no way 9ct ring & small stones is an expensive ring. She describes it as an eternity band style - so in reality in the shop it wouldn’t be in the “engagement rings” section - as traditionally they would have one bigger stone. Any ring can be an engagement ring of course, but it simply can’t be worth what he has claimed. This will be why he hasn’t sold it. Interesting people have commented this is a scam tactic to get money from you, with the promise of selling this supposedly expensive ring

I am surprised the OP who has been married before & presumably gone down the “engagement ring rabbit hole” doesn’t know any of this ? You don’t use 9ct gold for expensive stones and someone who takes the time & effort to design a ring will have purchased a bigger stone in order to do so, not 5 small ones. It is 100% from a high street jewellery store I bet

Just back to add my support, you’re incredibly strong and you will get through this. I’m so sorry he strung you along for all this time but that’s his appallingly behaviour and not your fault. Have you got people irl who can be there for you now? 💐

Honestly for the amount of money, you are far better writing it off.

Trying to get it back will likely be a waste of time, money and energy, plus it still keeps him in your life and mind. Think about your ex's drawn out battle with his ex-partner that's still going on, fgs. Do you really need that in your life?

He has zero claim on your home and no rights to stay there. Give him his stuff back and go no contact.

If you're genuinely considering jewellers, lawyers and the rest of it, you're barmy.

I would be inclined to forget the money you loaned. Do you want to expend the time and energy on it? It could be used as leverage though to get rid of him in the sense that you will pursue it if he doesn't go quietly.

It's hard but you've learnt this lesson for a reason. Thankfully you came to your senses in time. That's something to be grateful for.

We've all been there in one form or another!

I completely agree.

Write the money off and walk away. If he continues to contact you, involve the police.

Someone like this would ENJOY the battle. You will be exhausted by it, possibly losing your job. Legal fees will mount, eating up your equity.

Walk away.

Think about your ex's drawn out battle with his ex-partner that's still going on

I wonder what the truth is on that?

I agree about not pursuing the money, but maybe OP wants to feel more in control, and to frighten him a little?

I would totally get the ring valued out of curiosity.

I am inclined to agree about the money.

This guy very much sounds like a conman. He's motivated by money and he doesn't have much of it.

Therefore I think it would be a fool's errand trying to get the money back. Even if a court forces him to pay it, would you see any of it? What would be the cost to you, in terms of energy, time, stress and money, trying to get it back?

I agree about not pursuing the money, but maybe OP wants to feel more in control, and to frighten him a little?

You dine with the devil you better dine with a long spoon.

These types don't get "frightened".

It is worth getting the ring valued and getting that valuation in writing. That way if he claims it has disappeared or demands that you post it then the valuation is available for insurance purposes.

It is highly unlikely that it is valuable. 9ct gold and stones which are possibly cubic zirconium. Value no more than £50.

@seaviewsbeyond

So let's get this straight... you're desperately trying to give half your house away so you can get a narcissistic prick to marry you?! I suggest you book yourself in for counselling ASAP.

I suggest you use the spanking new feature where you can read only the OP's posts instead of babbling like a damn fool! Same for any other idiots who haven't RTFT!

Well done , @poppiesredfred !

GnomeDePlume yes a valuation in writing is a good idea.

Great username btw

I think jewellers charge for valuations & he isn’t worth either the time or effort, let alone the cost

Perhaps a pawn shop would value it free - after all, if you were trying to sell.a second hand ring, that's a likely place to sell it.

And their business is valuing item like that and making sure they dont get fooled re. it's value. You could say they'll give you a low ball.fugurd because they need to make their profit, but ateotd it's realistically what you're going to get for it, trying to sell second hand.

Average people would be reluctant to buy jewellery like that second hand and try to evaluate it themselves, so where else are you going to sell it?. eBay? Quite hard to.shorg on eBay. A jeweller seems v unlikely to buy a not v high quality ring second hand. (I know it's not used it would be considered second hand).