He doesn't want to marry me, does he?

[poppiesredfred]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we live together. Back in April, he surprised me one morning when I came downstairs and he was playing a song on Alexa and said 'this would be a great first dance song at our wedding' and then pulled out a Haribo ring. He's a joker and I laughed and said 'yeah, would be amazing!' but he said he was serious. I spent the rest of the day in shock, asking him if he was serious as a) I know he loves me but I didn't think in a 'I want to be with you for the rest of my life' kind of way and b) he is such a joker. We've both been married before for context. Both marriages have had divorces finalised years ago and he's had a relationship since where they were engaged but never married as she wanted the ring but not him. She gave him the ring back when he asked.

He then said 'let's get married next year but we can't tell anyone yet though...I want to tell everyone at the end of the year'. I still can't fathom out why but I know he wants some sort of finance agreement with his ex finalised first and that appears to be the reason. There is also no ring.... he does, however, still have his ex's engagement ring in a box (v. expensive and was made to his specifications) upstairs. He has made no move to sell the ring, despite needing money at various points, and stating all of our relationship he wants to sell it asap. I've paid large bills for him during our relationship that this money would have helped towards.

He came to me a couple of weeks ago and asked me how I'd feel about a 'cheap ring'. I said fine, no problem - whatever you choose is fine by me because you've chosen it so I'll love it'. He said he wanted us to go together to a specific place (where the stone he wants is sold) to choose it together. We have a free weekend this weekend so I suggested we go to this place. At first he looked a bit 'deer in the headlights' by it, then came an hour later and said 'that's a great idea, we could choose it then go to this place and that restaurant etc'. All fine until today when he's backtracked completely and now wants to go nowhere near the place... this is after last night when we visited a local restaurant, he randomly told the waiter there 'might' be a big event next year, then corrected it to 'oh, there IS a big event' when he saw me sat there like

I'm so puzzled and don't get it at all. I want the excitement of the man I love asking me to marry him and being able to share the joy with our family and friends. But it's all a big secret and no ring in sight.

What is going on? Can anyone enlighten me.....? Am I being led along?

Bless you. You've absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. They're bloody experts at deceit. Anyone taking bets that the unfinished financial business with the ex is him trying to claim a beneficial interest in her house?

Ask a couple of pawn shops what they'd give you for it.

They don’t set expensive rings in 9ct. They use 18ct or platinum.

@poppiesredfred - PM me and I can give you a rough valuation with a picture (and you telling me the hallmark detail!). The last time capital Q was used is 1990, and lower case q was more recent (2015) but it depends on the font etc as to haw old it is.

[quote vikingwife]@Lordamighty I agree, there is no way 9ct ring & small stones is an expensive ring. She describes it as an eternity band style - so in reality in the shop it wouldn’t be in the “engagement rings” section - as traditionally they would have one bigger stone. Any ring can be an engagement ring of course, but it simply can’t be worth what he has claimed. This will be why he hasn’t sold it. Interesting people have commented this is a scam tactic to get money from you, with the promise of selling this supposedly expensive ring

I am surprised the OP who has been married before & presumably gone down the “engagement ring rabbit hole” doesn’t know any of this ? You don’t use 9ct gold for expensive stones and someone who takes the time & effort to design a ring will have purchased a bigger stone in order to do so, not 5 small ones. It is 100% from a high street jewellery store I bet[/quote]
My first engagement ring (over 30 years ago) was a simple 9ct gold solitaire. He paid about £100 which to us then was a fortune. I've only been shown this ring once and in the box. It's not my ring and I've had no desire to look at it previously beyond him showing me just before Christmas last year - it's part of his past and I've obviously stupidly accepted it when he said it's history and value. It's a pretty ring, personal to him obviously and beyond not understanding why he's not sold it to help with bills (never had a straight answer on this one), it's nothing to do with me. I don't poke about in his personal stuff. It's only now that I'd like to know the truth about it as I suspect lies have been told as to its value and romantic background, possibly to make me think he's lavish and romantic (neither of which are true but he has aspirations of being a landlord and property developer but has no money or regular income).

Well done OP i think you’re amazing. Dont feel foolish you were vulnerable when you met him - your marriage had ended and you’d lost your mum. He probably saw that. You have seen him for his true colours now and you are getting rid so well done.

I also think pursuing the money will possibly be more stressful than its worth. I also suspect the ring wont be worth that much either. Get some legal advice if you can.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life! Now you are free to meet someone much more deserving of you!

Good for you op x

He gave you deliberately mixed messages.
He was setting himself up yr mind as some prize that you might win.

Well done for throwing him back.

@poppiesredfred
How old is he OP. You mention veing married for a long time so I assume he is 50s? I ask as you say he has aspirations yet has jothing to his name. Its all well and good having aspirations at 25 and having nothing but at 55 and having nothing its sort of poof you're a bit of a failure. Getting rid is the best thing you can do OP.

I've paid for pretty much everything over the two years
OMG - how do women get into such an arrangement?
Protect yourself and your assets OP.
Never marry this guy.
Never put him on YOUR deeds.
He wants to know how the the house can be more equal?
Easy.... He puts in 50% now and then pays 50% of everything from now on and then it will be equal.
There is no other way for it to ever be equal, short of you 'giving' him YOUR assets.
Please wake up and smell the coffee OP.
This cocklodger needs throwing back!

Just wanted to say well done OP on standing up to all this. You sound a lovely, wise person.

[quote Bakeachocolatecaketoday]@poppiesredfred - PM me and I can give you a rough valuation with a picture (and you telling me the hallmark detail!). The last time capital Q was used is 1990, and lower case q was more recent (2015) but it depends on the font etc as to haw old it is.[/quote]
That's nice of you, Bake.

hellsbellsmelons OP is on it. Read her updates.

Hey I’m really sorry, did not mean to suggest you are silly for not realising it can’t be an expensive custom designed ring - if anything it shows how uncaring you may be towards the superficial really! I am an alternative type & I only know anything about diamonds as love op shopping, it’s the op shopper’s dream to find a diamond in the rough !

It makes sense your previous engagement was pre-internet days, knowledge of diamonds & researching them isn’t what it’s like today. I was coming from the angle of having been more recently engaged, which is my mistake.

The thing is, knowing this information about the ring’s real value won’t phase him - if you play your card & let him know, he will just deny & claim your valuation was wrong, or that it has depreciated and that’s why he hasn’t sold it etc...

Also as another poster said better than I did - fighting him for the money he owes you won’t scare or upset him. He is already wrapped up in a legal battle to swindle someone else out of 30K home equity - people who are users are used to being chased for money.

You would be better off having it valued, then telling him the ring has been valued at X amount, as agreed per written agreement you owe me X still outstanding so the ring will be resold to recoup the amount owing. That is, assuming it is even worth 100 bucks. How lucky a jeweller is on MN and can give more guidance! Agree a pawn shop will value it for free, so hit up a couple & see if they all agree....

I’m really sorry this happened to you. My ex convinced me to ask my family for a 7,000 loan to help his failing restaurant. Instead of paying me/family back, he leased a 2nd restaurant, when the first was failing. He produced a secret stash of money he had been saving & said the 2nd restaurant was his “destiny/dream” and he would pay my parents back when it started going well. I realised he was using me for a cash cow & free labour, so I kicked him out. His restaurants folded shortly after.

It still stings to this day he got off scot free with 7,000 and I was stupid enough to not put it in writing. It’s the first thing people say when you tell the story “well, did you get it in writing?” Love makes you trust someone & open to being exploited. It makes you not want to be formal & have a contract, because your word is your bond - thing is, to them their words mean nothing.

@poppiesredfred

We live together but the house is in my name as I bought it with my divorce settlement and an inheritance from my mother. He asked, in a casual conversation, how it could be made more equal and I said either I change the deeds or we get married, I think that's the only way. This proposal has come afterwards. He's been out of work for various periods of our relationship which is when I have paid his bills - trying to be supportive.

🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨

Wake up OP.

Well done op you are doing brilliantly.
I wonder what the real deal was with the ex. I got in touch with her in my case and it was an eye opener. Bet she has a different story.

RTFT people

OP I've only just read this post but you're my hero, you've done so well and stayed strong throughout this. Your updates made me well up. I'm so glad you're shot of this dick, you'll be much happier

Something that occurred to me - is he named as a beneficiary of anything of yours, will etc? I'm not trying to be morbid, just practical.

OP I’m really proud of you, well done!!

It’s going to be a really shi**y few weeks but you will come out of this the other side and never look back! You sound lovely and caring and deserve someone far better than this horrible, abusive scrounged!!

Wishing you lots of luck moving forward

Well done OP. Good luck for today

Apologies, the rest of the thread didn't show beyond your post after the one I quoted.

Im sorry you're going through this OP.

Well done for kicking him out OP! He sounds awful - I sadly wasn’t surprised when I read your updates about his reaction to your chat about marriage and previous physical violence. This is the best outcome, however - him flouncing from the house after you’ve realised you’re being set up as his personal bank.
Please do make a credit check on yourself and take appropriate action if needed; I hate to think of what else he could have done behind your back.
Also, I have to agree with PP that it’s better to write that £6k off. It will sting, but not half as much as the fight to recover it would.
Hugs

@TwentyViginti - blimey - I don't know how I missed so much.
I'm usually a stickler for reading the full thread.

Well done OP.
I hope all goes OK today with packing up his stuff.
stay strong.
You are doing everything right!

Well done OP! Good for you.
Just picking up on one of the things he said to you:
You know I've been unlucky workwise and I thought you understood but obviously not'
Strangely enough, these cocklodger types are always "unlucky" workwise. There's always some sob story about why they are in and out of work. Something always goes wrong and it's not their fault.
It's because they are shirkers in work as well as in life. They think that everyone else owes them a living, whether that's their employer or their partner.
You are well rid of him. You'd have had no end of bother with him and having to support him financially whenever the poor little lamb had no money through no fault of his own because the big nasty boss at work fired him for being useless.
Also these types think there's no urgency to looking for a new job even if they have been perhaps genuinely misfortunate with employment a couple of times. No urgency because gf owns her own home and has enough money to bail him out.

[quote hellsbellsmelons]@TwentyViginti - blimey - I don't know how I missed so much.
I'm usually a stickler for reading the full thread.

Well done OP.
I hope all goes OK today with packing up his stuff.
stay strong.
You are doing everything right![/quote]
I thought it was unusual for you, bells not to RTFT