MIL moving in - coping strategies please

[LifeOverAlready]

Hello, so sorry in advance this is long but i really need some advice on this issue which will affect the rest if my life.

My mother in law will be moving in with us in January next year. She is retired, doesn't drive and has no hobbies and only one or two friends. Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over. I know how hard this is going to be and that I am stupid for agreeing to this at all but MIL was widowed a few years ago and unfortunately DH and I although both UK-born are from a culture where it's completely normal for "elderly" parents live with and be "looked after" by their adult children and it's unheard of to leave them to live on their own especially if widowed. DH would literally be disowned by his mum if we didn't go ahead with this and i would be seen by extended family (who are lovely people) as the evil DIL who caused all the trouble. Seriously we can't escape it. Plus i don't want DH to resent me for putting him in an awkward situation with his mum. So refusing this just isn't an option. Also just to be clear DH is an amazing, selfless and caring man and everything i could ask for in a husband so i don't want a divorce to get myself out of this situation - I just need advice on how to make this work.

I know i need to just suck it up and I'm trying to find some positives in my situation, like these:

1 - it is mine and DH's house that we bought together 3 years ago, not her's
2 - our house is huge where she will have an ensuite bathroom plus we have 2 living rooms. Only the kitchen will be shared.
3- we'd get live in childcare once we have kids
4 - she loves to take over the kitchen (obviously) and said she would do most of the cooking which will benefit me once i have kids and given that i work full time with long commute.
5- DH is hiring a cleaner right now so no extra cleaning for me which is good as i refuse to be her skivvy
6- she will keep her house but rent it out so will have an income so we won't be financially supporting her. In fact DH pays her bills at the moment so will be financially better off once she's here.
7- DH does speak up to her and put her in her place all the time. He's not a mummys boy and always has my back.
8 - she makes an effort and takes me out for nice meals and days out etc and does have a nice side to her
9- when we go and stay at her house she loves feeding us and waiting on us so she does have a caring side to her and I've never had a single issue with her when staying at hers. its always been lovely.
10- we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her

Now here are the issues:

1- she is only 60 so could be with us another 30 years (i know i sound like a horrible person but I'm sad i could be in this situation until I'm well into my 60's)
2 - she's very argumentative (with my DH and other extended family, not me yet).
3- Although she is great at her own place the issues really do start when she stays at ours for holidays etc. She makes comments about my cooking (in front of others too) and about basic food (i mean i know I'm not Delia Smith but ffs i know how to boil a fucking pan of pasta!) so i thought i'd just let her do all the cooking when she came to stay and just relax but then i just get subtle comments about how i should be cooking. I've also tried a different approach by complimenting her cooking loads and getting her to teach me recipes but that's a nightmare as if we cook in the kitchen together then apparently I'm not using the spatula properly, chopping the vegetables correctly, set the table too soon etc etc.
4 - im worried she will come and rearrange my kitchen to her liking and just take over, i dont know why that bothers me so much. I know i should just let go and accept all the "help". DH has already told her that its our house and she has no say in anything but i cant bring him in the middle of every little argument day to day. Also i don't know if I'm being unreasonable by insisting on having kitchen set up how i want it given she will cook more than i do.
5- she is constantly telling me what to do and my DH and his brother (so its not personal to me, just irritating). I mean constantly. How to sweep the floor correctly, how to comb my hair correctly, how to drive properly even though she doesn't drive etc. She follows me around the kitchen and watches everything im doing and comments on EVERYTHING. I mean i know how to fucking put leftover food in the fridge and pour a glass of juice for fucks sake!
6- DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her. Once he meets someone and buys a house then she apparently will go and stay there sometimes (however, i will believe this when i see it and i know that our house will become her home by then so she will be reluctant to go stay there often)
7 - i have issues that she is the female parent so i as the woman will be expected (by her, not DH) to drive her around for errands and food shopping and cook with her and keep her entertained. DH has assured me this won't happen and she is his parent and therefore his responsibility but I know she will look to me for all this and follow me around rather than DH. It's just what happens in our culture.
8- She wants to move some of her furniture here and i dont want it here. Her and DH had a huge argument about it. i will probably get told i need to compromise but why should i be the one to adjust when she is the one who wants to live with us? Surely she is the one who should do the adjusting and compromising given she is the one who doesn't want to live alone. But then i feel bad accepting cooking and chilcare help and then not compromising on certain things if u see what i mean.
9- She thinks she's always right. About everything.
10- She sticks her nose in our business.

I'm sure there will be other things that will annoy me when she turns up here. But i know my situation is impossible and we are stuck with her. Also i try and put myself in her shoes and realise she is lonely and it's hard to be old and unwanted. So i dont want to treat her badly.

All i need are some coping strategies for when she moves in. How do i stop myself from being bothered by her comments? I know it's just noise and they are just words and that i should pick my battles and not get frustrated over small things.....i mean who gives a crap about some rice, chicken etc?! Sometimes I can just ignore it and laugh things off but other times i want to scream. I've tried talking to her about her comments before but she always genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong and was just giving "advice" and says I'm being too sensitive. She is not very self aware. Please help. Thanks in advance. x

@HyacynthBucket - a glass of wine outside is my preferred relaxer at end of the day (weather permitting - and she's usually here in summer). I have a nice garden and an average lounge! If it was cold, I'd happily have it in the lounge and just get my book out.

And to be fair to her, she wouldn't mind that either. She doesn't expect me to look after her (she may have in the past, can't really remember) but we've established clear boundaries by now.

@Yeahnahmum You do have a choice. She could say no, DH may feel very guilty, this would affect their relationship. This could be a dealbreaker. She could divorce and find another bloke, preferably one outside their community as most Asian men would want to/need to care for their mothers in their homes.

I get the feeling that that isn't what OP wants. What OP needs is strategies on how to cope with this situation, bearing mind the sensitive culture issues/expectations.

This kind of set up has problems. OP has a mother in law in her home who interferes but provides live in childcare and cooking- this provides options that many women on MN don't have as they are often looking after children themselves while juggling full time work and paying for expensive private childcare. But I can't say the alternative of OP and her husband living on their own and caring for their children without family support would 100% work out fine either. I mean there are threads here everyday posted by exhausted women usually stuff like 'i gave up my job years ago to look after kids as I couldn't afford childcare and now I am finding it hard to leave my cheating husband', 'i am finding it hard to cope with children and full time job' or 'i can't find childcare now that all the childminders are closed with the covid situation, my employer wants me to come into the office'. with her MIL staying, at least OP knows that any future child would probably be cared for by her and OP can maintain her financial independence. In the end, its OP's choice.

@Desiringonlychild, yes and this too...I want to remain financially independent. At least then if it does go horribly wrong I have the funds to up and leave. I wish it was just a straightforward yes or no answer to this. And believe me i thought about saying no so many times but then realise what a huge deal this is. There really are so many sensitivities around it.

"What OP needs is strategies on how to cope with this situation, bearing mind the sensitive culture issues/expectations".

Which is indeed what OP was asking for in her initial post. Cultural mores are no reason for the OP to be treated like shit by her mother in law. Respect works two ways.

There are no strategies that can be employed here effectively other than saying no to the whole idea of her moving into their home.
This whole idea she writes of in her initial post is a disaster from the start. If his mother moves herself in the OP in all likelihood will become more depressed, resentful, sidelined and perhaps even feel betrayed by the two of them.

@AttilaTheMeerkat, what you're saying is also right. I am really torn on this. I want to be respectful but I am not putting up with being treated like shit either.

Say no and mean no. She does not care about sensitivities, she is expecting her son and in turn you to give her the red carpet treatment once esconsed in your home.

No good will come of having his mother in your home. It will no longer be your home but hers and she will take over completely. You've already flagged up lots of red flags re her behaviours already. The live in childcare and cooking come with strings and obligation attached, not ribbons. This is not "help" she is providing at all, this is her imposing her will on you all.
She has been and continues to remain difficult and she has already had an argument with your H re her wanting to bring a lot of her furniture in. How do you see this panning out going forward if a friend was telling you all this?.

OP - a direct question to you. Would you tolerate any of her behaviour from a friend?. No probably not and his mother is no different.

I noted earlier that her other two sons have either very little or infact nothing to do with her now. There are reasons why that is and she is the common denominator. She has not likely changed in all the years since. She should not be able either to play at being mother again to any children you yourself go onto have.

Would you tolerate any of her behaviour from a friend?

No way. And if a friend was in this situation id tell her to run for her life. I'm finding it so hard to say no when I wouldn't think twice about telling my friend to run. I guess I think about my own mum being in her shoes and lonely.

I’ve name changed just to reply to you! I’m Indian and so is OH. We lived with her for 9 months but moved into our place as everyday was fighting and arguing. She had zero boundaries and was very controlling. I wasn’t allowed to have my dinner early if I wanted, I wasn’t allowed to make tea after a certain time. It was hell! I was so depressed. My MIL still sees me like the evil DIL. They think I’m too “modern” if I stick up for myself and stubborn if I don’t let them make my life choices - e.g. she had a horrendous name picked out for my daughter and I refused as it would cause bullying, she was too uneducated to understand that my daughter would get bullied.

My advice to you now! You know she has to move in with you otherwise you will be blamed for everything. I would use her as much as possible, free childcare, cook dishes etc. Go away on weekends to see your family if things get too much. Make sure you stick up for yourself and smile whilst doing it. Be prepared she will bad mouth you To others. I’m rushing writing So I will come back at some point and give u more advice.

@LifeOverAlready would she really disown your DH though? How is your DH going to take that given that he has already lost his dad. I know you shouldn't be blackmailed into such a situation, but it seems that DH would be losing both his parents as a result. I know some PP would say, that he is better off without her, but well I think most people would resent having to choose between parents and wife.

I thik the best course of action is to delay it. Tell her maybe that cos of covid, its best for her to stay at her place until covid is over (less chance of infection). Help her find a part time job maybe or volunteering. Pay perhaps to make her home more comfortable. there might be a chance she would be happy staying at her own place for a few more years.Maybe by then your BIL's situation would have changed, and he could be the one to take her in.

"I guess I think about my own mum being in her shoes and lonely."

Alone doesn't always equal lonely though.

And would you want to be the one permanently filling that position-even for your own mum?

I mean my own mum, we got on well God love her, but we both needed/wanted our own friends.

"would she really disown your DH though?"

How could she if neither other son would provide a home for her?

I’ve just read a bit more of your post (sorry I haven’t read it all before responding first time) - like OMG! She is my MIL! If my husband wasn’t the only son I would think you were talking about my MIL. Even the bit about following you around in kitchen and making unnecessary comments. My MIL also picks on my cooking and told me how to put chips in the oven! Like who doesn’t know how to do this?! She tells me how to dress and how to brush my and my daughters hair! I’m going to think about all the things that have helped me deal with her and I will ask my sisters too and respond to you in a few days with details on how you can ignore her comments etc. And live peacefully

So she's a perfectly able bodied 60 year old woman and she expects to be "taken care of"? I just don't get it. My mom wouldn't ask for it, ever. My two grandmothers are in their 80's living ALONE and they'd never dream to go to their DC's home (they were both kindly invited and point blank refused )

Sorry, OP, I couldn't accept it. She might as well live until she's 100. So basically pretty much the rest of your life will be spent with her.

@readingismycardio your mum isn't Indian? Or Chinese? I mean my grandma was cared for in my dad's home from her 60s but she also looked after her grandchildren from 9 am in the morning to 11 pm at night which most English grandparents don't do? Most Asian children also live with their parents until they can afford to buy their own homes so they don't pay private rent? Many Asian parents also pay for university fees even if they aren't rich.

Its just a different setup. OP said before her MIL is a first generation immigrant so naturally she is different. OP would definitely not be like that in her 60s.

@Desiringonlychild you're absolutely right, I have only read the full thread after commenting. I agree it's a difficult situation. However, where I am from (Eastern Europe) we have these expectations too. That doesn't mean there aren't any parents who have a healthy way of thinking and accept that everyone has a life and you don't necessarily have to barge in it.

" I mean my grandma was cared for in my dad's home from her 60s but she also looked after her grandchildren from 9 am in the morning to 11 pm at night"

So she was actually working as much as anyone else!

My husband is from a similar culture, I am not. I have had to put my foot down when it was suggested to me my MIL move it. Absolutely no way. I'm happy for her to live close by but not in the same house. If he insisted, I would move out. That's how strongly I feel. It will cause friction and your house will never feel like yours. Luckily, my husband agrees and together we'll find a suitable alternative Good luck

@Indianmils -thank you!! I feel so much better already The oven chips thing is hilarious (not at the time of course). But yes it's exactly like this....you have to see it to believe it. You have also made a good point in that if I say no to the move then I'll just get blamed for every thing so in a way would moving her in and letting her sabotage it herself be better? Well done for getting your DH to move out and so sorry you had to endure all that!

In response to some of the others..DH is the oldest son which is why it's expected of him to shoulder most of the responsibilities. He does pull her up on this though and remind her that BILs both do nothing.

@diddl yes my grandma was definitely not idle. My grandfather was a full time de facto driver, he drove me and my sister to all our activities ( my mum even wrote him a timetable). They wanted to stay with their son very much though. My grandfather had a good civil service pension, but he felt more secure living with his son as my father gave them an allowance and paid all the bills (it was his house). He also knew that when he became old and infirm, my dad would be the one driving him around and looking after him, which was what happened until he passed away 2 years ago. Grandma is still living wiht my parents, she suffered a stroke and my parents have paid for a maid to look after her.

When Asian parents want to stay with their children, its not that they want to put up their feet and watch telly all day (am sure that some do but most know that they are expected to look after grandchildren and do housework in return for their children's support). I suspect that it is psychological too, I think when you are from a country without a welfare system, living alone feels more insecure even if you have a fully paid up house. Your roof could need repairs, you have bills to pay on a pension that may shrink with inflation. Certainly in asian countries, pensions are pitiful and no way can sustain anyone's lifestyle. If you live with your child, at least your food and bills are taken care of. Your residence could be sold and rented out as a nest egg.

And you will be blamed if your MIL moves in and it all falls apart for you.
Her son won’t be at fault, she won’t blame him or her own self for that matter.

Your husband will then be caught between you and his mother and he will not be able to choose between you two or to be able to keep either of you happy. So he will do nothing and will otherwise withdraw and say something like I cannot (or won’t) deal with this. He is I feel far more afraid of his mother than he is or ever would be of you and he is still seeking her approval, approval that he does not in fact need but will not get from her.

"DH is the oldest son which is why it's expected of him to shoulder most of the responsibilities."

Expected by whom though?

Who is going to be tutting & pointing the finger if she had a small flat-& why would you care what they think?

Is it people who have had to do it themselves & therefore think that all DILs should??

I couldn't imagine anything worse than having either my DM or my MIL (80 and 79 respectively) come to live with us. Thankfully, for the moment they both live alone and want to continue to be independent. It's challenging enough having them stay with us for a few days, so a permanent arrangement would be a nightmare.

I'm not saying that such an arrangement can't work. But what you've told us on this thread about your MIL and her lack of boundaries doesn't bods well (especially following you around the kitchen, that would literally drive me around the bend!).

However, it does sound as if your DH has your back, which is positive. But please just make sure you set clear boundaries.

Oh dear. Only advice I have is to pour yourself larger glasses of wine....

I think @Desiringonlychild makes an interesting point - if she's going to move in with you based on tradition, then that needs to go both ways - ie she pulls her weight, she accepts and appreciates that she should be grateful for your support etc.

Certainly, in DH's family, this sort of set up is sort of expected too (not sure if it's unique to them or cultural) but there's no doubt that when his grandparents (both sets, at various times) lived with them while he was growing up, they were not pampered guests.

His maternal grandparents were very self sufficient and energetic and did the vast bulk of childcare for him and his siblings practically from birth. And his grandmother did pretty much all the family cooking. His paternal grandparents less so but... as I understand it, they were much older and more infirm. But importantly, I've never got any sense from him that they were expected to work around the grandparents at all. Admittedly, I don't know who took on the caring responsibilities although I do know they had paid domestic help.

That's not to say she should be some kind of grateful unpaid drudge in your house. But it IS your house and you don't have to treat her like a guest or change your behaviour to suit her.

My husband is a mummy’s boy so at least your DH will stick up to her! My MIL made so many Sexist comments about My daughter. She was 2 days old and my MIL said I have to start trying for a boy now! She made me feel crap that I had a girl and just looked so gloomy but this changed when visitors came she would light up and say “there’s no difference between boys and girls, we are so happy” two-faced little b%%%h! I have her daughters to deal with too and they just like mini versions of her with that sour expression and nose twitching she does!

I would let her move and be as sweet as anything (infront of your DH especially) and let her show her true colours. If she upsets you hopefully it will be infront of him and he can see how difficult life will be with her. Remember be as sweet as possible. I’ll ask my sisters how they cope as they’ve had years living with their mil