MIL moving in - coping strategies please

[LifeOverAlready]

Hello, so sorry in advance this is long but i really need some advice on this issue which will affect the rest if my life.

My mother in law will be moving in with us in January next year. She is retired, doesn't drive and has no hobbies and only one or two friends. Although she is not very likeable, she is very caring and i think means well so i feel selfish saying this but I feel like my life is over. I know how hard this is going to be and that I am stupid for agreeing to this at all but MIL was widowed a few years ago and unfortunately DH and I although both UK-born are from a culture where it's completely normal for "elderly" parents live with and be "looked after" by their adult children and it's unheard of to leave them to live on their own especially if widowed. DH would literally be disowned by his mum if we didn't go ahead with this and i would be seen by extended family (who are lovely people) as the evil DIL who caused all the trouble. Seriously we can't escape it. Plus i don't want DH to resent me for putting him in an awkward situation with his mum. So refusing this just isn't an option. Also just to be clear DH is an amazing, selfless and caring man and everything i could ask for in a husband so i don't want a divorce to get myself out of this situation - I just need advice on how to make this work.

I know i need to just suck it up and I'm trying to find some positives in my situation, like these:

1 - it is mine and DH's house that we bought together 3 years ago, not her's
2 - our house is huge where she will have an ensuite bathroom plus we have 2 living rooms. Only the kitchen will be shared.
3- we'd get live in childcare once we have kids
4 - she loves to take over the kitchen (obviously) and said she would do most of the cooking which will benefit me once i have kids and given that i work full time with long commute.
5- DH is hiring a cleaner right now so no extra cleaning for me which is good as i refuse to be her skivvy
6- she will keep her house but rent it out so will have an income so we won't be financially supporting her. In fact DH pays her bills at the moment so will be financially better off once she's here.
7- DH does speak up to her and put her in her place all the time. He's not a mummys boy and always has my back.
8 - she makes an effort and takes me out for nice meals and days out etc and does have a nice side to her
9- when we go and stay at her house she loves feeding us and waiting on us so she does have a caring side to her and I've never had a single issue with her when staying at hers. its always been lovely.
10- we can afford holidays so DH and I will go off on holidays for breaks from her

Now here are the issues:

1- she is only 60 so could be with us another 30 years (i know i sound like a horrible person but I'm sad i could be in this situation until I'm well into my 60's)
2 - she's very argumentative (with my DH and other extended family, not me yet).
3- Although she is great at her own place the issues really do start when she stays at ours for holidays etc. She makes comments about my cooking (in front of others too) and about basic food (i mean i know I'm not Delia Smith but ffs i know how to boil a fucking pan of pasta!) so i thought i'd just let her do all the cooking when she came to stay and just relax but then i just get subtle comments about how i should be cooking. I've also tried a different approach by complimenting her cooking loads and getting her to teach me recipes but that's a nightmare as if we cook in the kitchen together then apparently I'm not using the spatula properly, chopping the vegetables correctly, set the table too soon etc etc.
4 - im worried she will come and rearrange my kitchen to her liking and just take over, i dont know why that bothers me so much. I know i should just let go and accept all the "help". DH has already told her that its our house and she has no say in anything but i cant bring him in the middle of every little argument day to day. Also i don't know if I'm being unreasonable by insisting on having kitchen set up how i want it given she will cook more than i do.
5- she is constantly telling me what to do and my DH and his brother (so its not personal to me, just irritating). I mean constantly. How to sweep the floor correctly, how to comb my hair correctly, how to drive properly even though she doesn't drive etc. She follows me around the kitchen and watches everything im doing and comments on EVERYTHING. I mean i know how to fucking put leftover food in the fridge and pour a glass of juice for fucks sake!
6- DH has 2 brothers. One left home when very young and doesn't speak to them. The other is single and lives in a small flat so doesn't have space for her. Once he meets someone and buys a house then she apparently will go and stay there sometimes (however, i will believe this when i see it and i know that our house will become her home by then so she will be reluctant to go stay there often)
7 - i have issues that she is the female parent so i as the woman will be expected (by her, not DH) to drive her around for errands and food shopping and cook with her and keep her entertained. DH has assured me this won't happen and she is his parent and therefore his responsibility but I know she will look to me for all this and follow me around rather than DH. It's just what happens in our culture.
8- She wants to move some of her furniture here and i dont want it here. Her and DH had a huge argument about it. i will probably get told i need to compromise but why should i be the one to adjust when she is the one who wants to live with us? Surely she is the one who should do the adjusting and compromising given she is the one who doesn't want to live alone. But then i feel bad accepting cooking and chilcare help and then not compromising on certain things if u see what i mean.
9- She thinks she's always right. About everything.
10- She sticks her nose in our business.

I'm sure there will be other things that will annoy me when she turns up here. But i know my situation is impossible and we are stuck with her. Also i try and put myself in her shoes and realise she is lonely and it's hard to be old and unwanted. So i dont want to treat her badly.

All i need are some coping strategies for when she moves in. How do i stop myself from being bothered by her comments? I know it's just noise and they are just words and that i should pick my battles and not get frustrated over small things.....i mean who gives a crap about some rice, chicken etc?! Sometimes I can just ignore it and laugh things off but other times i want to scream. I've tried talking to her about her comments before but she always genuinely thinks she's done nothing wrong and was just giving "advice" and says I'm being too sensitive. She is not very self aware. Please help. Thanks in advance. x

Why can't she pay her own bills if she has a flat?

Or get a part time job.

Does she not have any of her dh's pension.

Don't let her live with you

@ManyClouds

You & your husband must have a united front !!! Do not ever let her divide & conquer. You discuss this with your husband.

Ensure your privacy as a couple.

Start as you mean to go on....even if it causes friction in the beginning. You & your husband have ground rules....you discuss this all together prior to her moving in.

Give her some control of things....that way she'll feel useful & included....this will avoid her deciding what's her domain/business and encroaching on your territory.

Ensure you & your husband have time allotted together....same goes when kids come along...you ensure you have protected time with children. Ensure your mil has protected time with kids as well.

Family Rota for cooking/childcare & Big Girl Pants x

Ensure your mil has protected time with kids as well. What? Why?

My MIL comes to visit and sees the DC then. She doesn't have 'protected time' with my children. Why would she.

Late FiL didnt work for the last few years of his life and before that was in and out of work because of his health issues. So no pension. She'd have loads of savings as she'd get a small pension and from the sale of her house so I'm assuming her money would run out and then she would need help with bills.

Thanks to you all...theres been some great advice on here! I have lots of thinking to do x

If she doesn't drive or have hobbies. What would she need to spend money on?

It's hard to understand because in Western culture it's often the parents who help their dc out financially

Bookmarking this to read later. I’ve been in this situation! So hopefully once I’ve read your post properly I can advise

You indeed have much thinking to do not just in regards to her but also to your husband. I fear he will completely cave in her presence.

Do not let her move in, not even on a short term basis. She in all likelihood will not respect your boundaries and probably will resort to crying in front of your DH if she gets “upset”.

@woodhill western parents are often richer than their children. OP's MIL is probably immigrant first generation or second generation so they would not have much earning power. In contrast,OP and her husband probably did well in school and careers, esp compared with in law's.

In Asian cultures, sons are expected to pay for and support their parents. I am Chinese and most of my Chinese friends give their parents allowances. Even if their parents earn more than them and they are at the start of their careers.

Bling/Loving
You go and have a glass of wine outside. Does that mean you do not feel able to have it in your own sitting room when MIL is there?

I’ve been there. On the basis of my experience, I’d leave.

But assuming you don’t want to do that, put some basics in place BEFORE she arrives.

Put a lock and a spring closure on your bedroom door to ensure you can still relax enough to be intimate.

Set some absolutes in your weekly time table like a yoga class, manicure or park run. Plus at least one date night a week so you get fun time as a couple. Make these non-negotiable with your dh.

Also insist on a review after 3 months. If you are at breaking point and your marriage is at risk, your dh has to know. If he won’t accept this, he isn’t taking your concerns seriously.

Good luck.

@Desiringonlychild , this is spot on. It's the norm in asian culture to support parents financially as soon as you start earning. Plus yes both mine and DH parents were first generation immigrants

desiring

Yes it is hard to understand particularly if you don't need the money as a parent. Quite controlling in a way.

It did used to be more that way here with some dc handing over part of their wage packet to parents even in the 80s but not my experience

But when they lived at home

I am curious, if it was the FIL who was alive. Would he be expected to stop work at 60, with no health issues & move in with you ?

60 is relatively NOT old
Why can't she work ?
Who pays the council tax & bills on her property currently ?

Is it supporting the parents or paying your own way though?

I know this is very common in asian or African families.

1st things first. She is your mil. So you need to make sure she is happy and comfortable in your home first and see to her that she is happy. Yea there is no harm in doing things first ger I am sure she wants to do things for you and the Dh too. Tell her there is no room for the furniture and she could perhaps pay for storage until she has an idea of where she wants to have it or sell it. 60 isnt old, so perhaps she will be put doing things and always cooped up in the house.
If she tries to boss you about just say sorry I prefer doing it this way, in polite tones. But that is for the tip mum. And move on to the next thing. Enjoy her company and if anything you dont like then you can always try and have a reasonable and sensible discussion with her and your husband.

Wish you all the best. Hope it works out well.

I wish I had a mum or someone to come help me with my home or my 4 kids. I just get on with it as my husbands family are in west africa and I have zero contact with mine. So please try and work it out . Hope all goes well. Lots of love

So many spelling mistakes . Going to repost

Mumsnet wouldn't let me repost for some reason as I wanted to correct my typos!!!

Personally I would take the hit and be considered evil. My 70 year old mum has been living with us for 1.5 years and it is hell. Never again.

If you can’t, two things:

1. You need rock solid boundaries with her from the start. Tell her when she does things that irritate or undermine you straight away. Do not give an inch. Do not bite your tongue. Tell her it is not acceptable to criticise your cooking etc. Assertiveness training, therapy, Confident communication, whatever it takes to set and maintain your personal boundaries.
2. Clearly demarcated space. She can have her stuff in her space only. Her kitchen cupboard, her furniture in her room only. If possible can you build a separate annex or a garden room space. Give her her own kitchen. Treat it like a lodger or a granny flat. You need space that is just yours and your husband’s, she needs space that is just hers.

Otherwise you will all go insane. Tread carefully!

She is your mil. So you need to make sure she is happy and comfortable in your home first and see to her that she is happy

Genuine question: why does this need to be in OP's own home?
Thankfully nobody's suggested dumping MIL and ignoring her needs completely, but what's wrong with the idea of a little nearby flat, where the family can keep an eye on her and everyone can still keep their independence?

Ynbu about the kitchen.

You are a grown woman in your own home. You have agreed to mil moving in out of respect for family culture but it's not respectful to you to for her to elbow you out of any part of your life and take over because she thinks she will do it better.

I think you need to talk to h about this aspect of things very clearly before she arrives. If he's of the view that he wants his mum full time cooking then you need to discuss what this looks like and make it clear to him what your boundaries will be ( eg he goes into the kitchen first if she needs help, you agree that she only cooks for you all on certain nights of the week or that you do a weekly meal plan before you shop )

Your instincts are ringing warning bells over this. Don't expect it to just fall into place for you without standing your ground to both h and mil now. It sounds like she's set out her plans to be in charge of the kitchen and it will be much harder to change once she's started.

"I wish I had a mum or someone to come help me with my home or my 4 kids."

Do we know that Op's MIL will be helping her out with anything?

@woodhill Most asian countries don't have any kind of welfare system. Back home in Singapore, when there were reports of 80 year old women working as cleaners or dishwashers, a lot of members of the public thought that it was the responsibility of the children to help them out, not the state. And the government sees it as such, in countries like Singapore, China and India, you can be prosecuted for not looking after your parents.

If OP's MIL is first generation, she would have the same mindset as many of her peers back in her home country would be supported by their children, hence she would expect it. I am also an immigrant and even though I am quite Westernized, I am still coming to terms with the idea that my future child probably wouldn't want to live with me as an adult and wouldn't support me (though with the decreasing life chances of young people worldwide, I suspect fewer children in Asia would be in the position to support their parents).

I also find Asian parents don't have the same attitude towards aging. Most 60 plus year olds I know in Singapore are on the verge of retiring and are doing stuff like qigong, caring for grandkids (if they have them), watching tv and other pursuits I would associate with 'old people'. They don't think they are young or even middle aged.

You Always have a choice.
Just use that power to say no