Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

[elettra]

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

You keep saying ‘we’, there is no ‘we’ when your partner chooses to cheat. I suspect the OW also thought that she was part of the ‘we’ when he was lying to you and her.

If you want to stay with, stay with him but those intrusive thoughts and images is your brain still processing stuff that you are desperate to gloss over.

Hé lied to you both and the only reason she was and still is in your life, is because ‘he’ invited her.

You can’t fast forward over trauma.

First of all, your husband is a prick. He’s making you feel like you’ve caused this affair, which is so wrong as he’s the one who put his dick into another woman and he’s the one who’s allowed her to humiliate and be nasty to you. I don’t understand why you’re sticking up for him, he had no thought towards you or your children when he was shagging her. Your marriage has had problems and you didn’t swan off and cheat.

He’s been telling her things about you intimately, for her to mention that your vagina isn’t as tight as it once was (due to vaginal births) he must’ve said this. For her to say so many nasty things, he’s told her them. Men who cheat will say anything to get them into bed. He is at fault, she is to an extent but I can imagine she feels used and hurt and is trying to knock you down as she has been. I’m baffled to as why you’d want to work through it- but that’s your choice.

I recently found my partner with whom I have 3 children (all vaginal births!) has cheated. The other woman nicely put it as he got ‘fucked out’ I haven’t seen him for 2 weeks as he’s staying at his mothers and I don’t intend on seeing him again. You will never forgive or forget you will just tolerate. What happens when the next young woman who catches his eye comes along? I’m sorry this happened but you’re making so many excuses for him that he will do it again.

I am sorry he did this, but you’ve allowed it now by blaming yourself! How would he feel if you went and shagged someone else now? If this man messaged him saying his dick is bigger and pleasured you more? A taste of his medicine is needed!

He didn’t necessarily say those things about OP to the OW. If I were to write a nasty letter to the woman my husband shagged I could come up with all kinds of unpleasant stuff to put in there based on what I know of her personal history or basic human vulnerabilities and she’d have no way of knowing whether or not this was something my husband and told me about her.

For example because I’ve seen pictures of her I could say that he was revolted by her rolls of fat and that he thought she always smelled funky which he attributed to her excess weight. Or that her vagina had an unpleasant odour. Or that he found her needy and pathetic. None of these are things which he has actually said but I bet would hit hard and wound if she were to read them and she would believe they had come from him.

In fact don’t get me started because could come up with a whole stream of venom about her which comes from my total rage that she slept with my husband knowing he was married and had a family. And none of that means I think he was blameless just that I think they were BOTH to blame for their part in the affair and should both be ashamed of themselves.

@Katrinawaves

Wtaf? What you just said is deeply misogynistic and vile. What the fuck is happening on this thread?

@Katrinawaves your husband was the one with a wife and children at home, it was his choice to embark on an affair. I wouldnt get involved with someone's husband, but it was 100% his choice to be involved with her, if blaming her makes you feel better about the fact he cheated on you then go for it though, but that's not the reality.

Anyone who thinks the OW is equally to blame than the cheating spouse needs a reality check. A big one.

Both to blame doesn't mean equally to blame. Unless the OW is being manipulated, yes, she is also to blame. (But less worth getting upset about.)

Anyone who thinks the OW is equally to blame than the cheating spouse needs a reality check. A big one

I agree, but you know what normally happens is the bloke will come out with all sorts of reasons for it that lay blame with the woman. Oh she kept flirting and I kept saying no but I had a moment of weakness etc, so pathetic.

In my experience (well, my own and friends'), the husband usually blames the wife, rather than the OW.

That as well, basically anything beside himself and his own decisions. Eurgh.

The OW is often being lied to and manipulated and it is a fact that the OW is often emotionally vulnerable in some way... But totally irrespective of this . The other woman is not lying to you, betraying you. She never promised fidelity to you. You can say she lacks integrity, yes. You can certainly say you don't like her. But anyone who focuses on the OW is in denial about the true level and area of betrayal. I've been cheated in and I know how painful it is, but this is fucked up. Talking on an online forum about the OW smelling funky... this is too low . Get some decency.

@User533633 I think you misunderstood Katrina's post. She was making a point about what any woman could say about any woman if she wanted to hurt her.

Katrina was making the point that the OW might easily have made it all up entirely, simply by saying things that would hurt anyone.

Oh I know she was making it up, I know that, but don't you see that even putting those words in a forum is misogynistic. Talking about her vagina smelling funky and her rolls of fat? As if that's all that was valuable about her and it was nasty. If no one else sees that I'm going crazy. ( I'm not fat btw in case anyone thinks I'm projecting).

And she said it because she thinks it... She genuinely thinks it.

It's a well known thing in marital counselling, the wife looks to blame the outsider, the husband looks to blame the wife. The husband is right. (I'm not in counselling but have a friend who is a counsellor)

The whole point was that it was made up entirely, and not based on the truth.

I understand that. The point I'm trying to make us it's still thoughts that the poster had based on a picture she saw of the OW, and they are misogynistic thoughts that I shouldn't have to read on a forum.

I don't know how someone could stay having heard this from the OW. I don't think you could forget it, you would have to accept that it's probably going to hurt for a good while and that he can't be trusted. I'm sorry OP but I don't think there's an easy answer to your question, of how to forget.

Thanks @ravenmum for understanding the intent of my post which was to say that I (and any other betrayed partner) could if we wanted come up with very hurtful statements to throw at the OP easily on a par with the OW saying OP’s vagina was not tight following childbirth, without any of that having to come from the husband.

Did I think those things about the OW - not sure that matters really as I haven’t expressed them to her. I have only given a hypothetical example of the kind of abuse which could wound and appear to come from the cheating husband but hadn’t.

Likewise I didn’t and haven’t ever said my husband isn’t to blame for what he did. But as the OW was on the Illicit Encounters website looking for a married man she also bears some portion blame for deliberately setting out to find a man with commitments And yes before it is said, he shouldn’t have been on that site messaging woman either.

@User533633 before you overheat too much my post was a direct response to one which said the only way the OW could have written the letter to the OP was if the Husband has said those things about her. Which the OP should not have to read on this thread because as I demonstrated to your horror is completely untrue.

She may have been deliberately seeking out married men, he still made 100% of his decision himself. If he purposefully logged registered and made an account, it's not like he was lured in and found himself in an inappropriate circumstance was it.

He made a decision to be unfaithful yes. But he couldn’t have followed through on that decision if there hadn’t also been a woman willing to have an affair with him. So blame attaches to both in my view.

His blame is not less because she is also to blame.

why, why would you want to stay with a man that shagged another woman behind your back. i will never understand this.

you don’t get to unknow it. this is for you to deal with now. what a gent.

madness.