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Original poster

Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

435 replies

elettra · 08/07/2020 09:42

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

OP posts:
BurtsBeesKnees · 09/07/2020 08:26

You don't ever forget it, you remember it and accept it, if you decide to stay that is. Tbh I tried for three years to make the relationship work after my dh has an affair, but I was never able to forget and accept. We have been divorced for a fair few years now and I'm more the happier as a result

GilbertMarkham · 09/07/2020 08:31

(He's also shown great capacity for deception and duplicity; apparently not a hint for op to pick up on during the affair, and totally blasé about getting up to dispose of unwanted gifts from the other woman, which it sounded like is only one of several examples ... Should we really be advising on how to blank out whst what ow told her, or on what we think could be in her best interest. That's not people being dicks, it's them having a conscience).

Mascotte · 09/07/2020 08:36

@BurtsBeesKnees

You don't ever forget it, you remember it and accept it, if you decide to stay that is. Tbh I tried for three years to make the relationship work after my dh has an affair, but I was never able to forget and accept. We have been divorced for a fair few years now and I'm more the happier as a result
This is exactly what happened with my marriage.
GilbertMarkham · 09/07/2020 08:42

Head in sand and strategies to blank out painful things op knows due to her husband's malicious ow, is also potentially damaging to someone's mental health in the long run.

WhoamI83 · 09/07/2020 08:42

I was abused for 15 years and forgave my husband for a multitude of things because I loved him and he loved me. Eventually I worked out for myself that love is kind and gentle and respectful, safety, love doesn’t hurt, need books to get over or understand, love shouldn’t end up destroying you.
Nobody could have told me this, unfortunately is was a hard lesson I had to learn for myself and still am. Betrayal can never be forgotten or undone or made up for, it hurts and at the beginning it may be pushed aside but it will always show it’s head. What your husband has done is destroy the trust and the safety of love.

Franticbutterfly · 09/07/2020 08:45

Reading your posts my heart started racing because my DH had an affair a couple of years ago which I discovered after 6 months, and I know exactly how you feel. It was bad for me for a while there (disruptive thoughts, extreme sadness) and 6 months isnt long to expect you to forget this stuff. Only now 18 months on can I tell you that we have had sex just twice (the last two times) and I haven't thought about her and him during it. You are basically a year behind me, so I can only say that time helps. But I honestly don't think the pain of it will ever go away completely, I'm just hoping that one day it won't smart and be such a shock each time a thought triggers me. I do think it's lessened over the past 6 months though.

I'm so sorry to hear you are going through this. Thanks

Bluntness100 · 09/07/2020 08:56

I think op if you’re still reading, she is very hurt, so she has lashed out to try to cause him pain too.

If you’re determined to stay with him, for whatever reason, then I think accepting that she is also partially a victim in this. No matter what you’d like to think. No woman shags a man who says they love and fancy their wife. So the truth will be some where in between what he and she are saying and likely not what you’re believing either.

It seems this was a proper relationship, she must have felt they loved each other, and she’s now desperately hurt by his actions. Try to remember than when you remember the words she used when she lashed out.

Calling her things like abnormal or unbalanced isn’t really helpful, she also made a mistake and got burnt. And that pain is what caused her actions to you.

Baws · 09/07/2020 09:04

@BurtsBeesKnees
Same here but 4 years. I’m so much happier and I have learnt that it’s something I can never get past in a relationship.
Infidelity can range from a drunken mistake to years of deception. This should have some impact on the OP’s decision too. I would be just as annoyed about the way he has spoken about the marriage and the derogatory comments he made about the op and her appearance. I couldn’t forgive that, it’s a whole other level to ‘my wife doesn’t understand me’. My ex told his OW that I gave him a terrible life. He continued this when he had his next affair. I read about how awful I apparently was on a FB comment made by one of his work colleagues I’d never met! He had told people in work that we had separated so he could shag one of his colleagues. That was the final straw for me, my only regret is giving him another chance.

BurtsBeesKnees · 09/07/2020 09:17

@Baws I agree, I always said I might have been able to forgive and move on from a drunken shag. But it was the months of deception, the lies and the way he spoke about me that I could never get past. The physical side I could cope with, it was the emotional deceit and his capacity to lie to me, he’d create arguments to justify his behaviour and so he could paint me as unhinged and horrible. Pah, well out if it now. My only regret is giving him a further 3 years to try and get past it. They don’t ever really change. I found out after the three years that he’d continued to lie about what actually happened and the extent to the affair, even after I’d asked and begged him to tell me. Horrible man

backseatcookers · 09/07/2020 09:28

For example, she bought him something for his birthday (which he hated and gave to me to put in the charity bag - he told me it was a gift from his team at work).

Fuck me, he couldn't even be arsed to get rid of a gift from OW, he gave it to his unknowing wife to take to the charity shop.

Ugh he is awful OP. How little respect must he have for you to have done that. Handed you something the woman he was shagging behind your back gave him, to get rid of.

And how much he has damaged your self esteem for you to see that fact as a win over OW who incorrectly said he liked it.

He will have lied and told her he loved it by the way, probably lied that he took it everywhere with him. And if she said well why isn't it on you now he'll have lied yet again and said he didn't want to risk losing it or some other bullshit like that. Because he's a liar.

To her, you've been painted as his unloving, cold wife he barely ever sleeps with and wishes he could leave but can't 'because of the kids' as he's such a good dad but you would punish him in a divorce blah blah blah.

You're married to a cliche - you can do better. So can she. He is not a prize. You're allowed to change your mind, you tried to make it work but it isn't working.

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2020 10:50

The thing is, if you have to "forget" something that actually happened to he be ok with staying, then you are lying to yourself, because it did happen. If you can't stay knowing everything that happened then he doesn't deserve you to stay.

I don't believe all people who cheat are monsters or bound to cheat again but that's beside the point, he's already hurt you to the point you can only be happy by attempting to deliberately erase your memory of the truth, so the damage has already been done.

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2020 10:54

Fuck me, he couldn't even be arsed to get rid of a gift from OW, he gave it to his unknowing wife to take to the charity shop. Ugh he is awful OP. How little respect must he have for you to have done that. Handed you something the woman he was shagging behind your back gave him, to get rid of. And how much he has damaged your self esteem for you to see that fact as a win over OW who incorrectly said he liked it.

This stood out to me too, it's disgusting. As much as you want to view him as a decent guy struggling with a floundering relationship OP (and I do believe people like this do exist), if he was really that kind of person he would have felt too much shame to have done that. He's not one of the "good one's" who was just going through a hard time, his behaviour was calculated and appallingly callous and disrespectful the whole time.

ravenmum · 09/07/2020 11:09

There's a difference between a) knowing that something happened, bearing it in mind in your considerations and thinking about it when you need to, and b) getting intrusive flashbacks that feel out of your control.
I agree that trying to sweep things under the carpet and totally ignore what happened would be a bad idea, as you need to process it. But using strategies to get the flashbacks under control doesn't mean forgetting what he did.

gypsywater · 09/07/2020 11:22

The present thing is beyond appalling. The utter contempt he had. Fuck him off.

Bluntness100 · 09/07/2020 11:29

Fuck me, he couldn't even be arsed to get rid of a gift from OW

Agree, but sadly the op might be taking it as a one up on the other woman. As in. Look he hated it so much he asked me to get rid, that’s how little you matter,

When in fact he was abusing both women. They are both victims in this. Clearly he told her he loved it and Always used it, and told the op another lie.

WearyandBleary · 09/07/2020 11:39

When my husband had an affair I felt as though we had a swimming pool that he had tipped a bottle of black ink into.

Every day I would look out of the window and see the black water.

He wanted it to be the same as it was. I wanted him to take the ink out ... but it could never, ever happen.

I tried for years to forget but every day I had to look at the black water.

The fact is, it was ruined, he ruined it, and it couldn’t be undone.

You can live with the black water but it won’t ever be clear again.

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2020 11:41

There'a a difference between a) knowing that something happened, bearing it in mind in your considerations and thinking about it when you need to, and b) getting intrusive flashbacks that feel out of your control.

Not really, when the flashbacks are accurate and OP is only able to forgive her husband by pretending they're not. If your partner has done something that, if thought about and imagined, would be absolutely devastating, then that person should be left.

GilbertMarkham · 09/07/2020 11:41

*but sadly the op might be taking it as a one up on the other woman. As in. Look he hated it so much he asked me to get rid, that’s how little you matter,

When in fact he was abusing both women. They are both victims in this. Clearly he told her he loved it and Always used it, and told the op another lie.*

I see op in this thread as almost totally focused on being in competition with a d conflict with the other woman.

And her DH seems to be having every excuse, minimisation, whitewash etc in existence applied to his behaviour (and character) ... Alongside the "teaming" with this specimen.

He's blown their marriage out of the water. But op is on complete denial and is focusing on the ow.

It's v frustrating to read, and you also worry about what the future holds for her if he continues in this vein after a period of lying low. (You also have to wonder about the past, and about his general values towards marriage, monogamy, women etc.).

I think he knows op us a head in the sand type who'll not rock the boat no matter what and it suits him very well.

ravenmum · 09/07/2020 11:57

If your partner has done something that, if thought about and imagined, would be absolutely devastating, then that person should be left.
This means that an affair can never be got past. Not everyone believes that. I LTB for my exh's affair, but still think that it could be possible to get past an affair in certain circumstances. (Not the circumstances here, imho, but it's OP's decision.)

ravenmum · 09/07/2020 12:02

It's not a case of pretending something didn't happen; that was my point, that you do have to be able to think about what happened. The distinction I was making was between thoughts and flashbacks. The latter are uncontrolled and come up unasked when you are chatting to your friend or going swimming, and make your knees weak. Even if OP leaves, she'll still have the flashbacks.

NameChanged011216 · 09/07/2020 12:08

@WearyandBleary - what happened in the end? How long is years?

WearyandBleary · 09/07/2020 12:33

@NameChanged011216 - It didn’t work. There was just this sadness all the time. I ended up getting a full time job so I could support myself and I left.

pinksalmon · 09/07/2020 12:45

the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified)

The OP's description of the OW yet the husband who betrayed her is merely a weak fool.

The denial is strong with you OP. Time to stop burying your head - uncomfortable is the short term but healthy in the long run.

NameChanged011216 · 09/07/2020 12:52

@WearyandBleary - I'm sorry to hear that. Can relate to the sadness you mention myself. Out of interest, how long did it take until you decided it wasn't working?

aSofaNearYou · 09/07/2020 13:12

That means that an affair can never be got past. Not everyone believes that

In my opinion, the only one's that should be got past are situations where for whatever reason to do with their own nature/views on monogamy etc, the injured party is genuinely not so hurt by it that they struggle to cope with confronting the reality of it.

If, as in OPs case, it DOES hurt them to think about the truth, then I don't believe the affair should be got over. There will always be an imbalance and injustice, where one party hurt the other to a morally repugnant degree and was allowed to get away with it. Many do choose to stay, but I don't believe that just because an affair can be got past, it should. Not when this level of pain has been caused.