Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

[elettra]

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

@FizzyGreenWater
Agree.
@rainbringsjoytome
Agree too.

He's certainly no prize.

The OP feels she has some responsibility in the marriage being poor and that this is why he felt the need to "mess where he eats"...AKA...the extremely poor judgement of having an affair with someone from work.

What about your children OP?
He has utterly betrayed them.
He has cheated on THEM.
He completely disregarded their happiness too when he had an affair and played roulette with his marriage, wife and family.

He sounds so very, very sure of his place in the world and what he can take and discard.

OP, you don't know this man at all or what he is capable of.

Do as @Fizzy advises...sort your life out and make it the best it can be for you......I certainly wouldn't place any bets that your husband is a keeper...

I was in a bit different situation than you over 10 years ago, I was in an abusive relationship ( physically and emotionally). My situation was different to yours, yours seems to be more about cheating, not so much about abuse. The one thing I really, really regret to this day is that I didn't immediately leave him after the first instance on abuse. I left eventually, but not straight away as I should have and I humiliated myself. Looking back now I realize that I let myself down and that I should have practiced self - care and love. I didn't protect myself and being pregnant at the moment makes me very emotional and I have to relive all of these dark memories at the moment. I don't know if the baby inside me is a boy or a girl, but I'm terrified that my child has to go through the same kind of pain at some point in their life that I had to go through. I will do anything that this won't happen.

I know my experience is unrelated to yours and very different, but the best gift you can give to yourself is to walk away from a bad situation with your head held up high. I don't want you to have regrets in 10 years time that you didn't leave. I don't know your husband and he might have a lot of redeeming, wonderful qualities that makes the marriage worth fighting for, but what if he cheats again and makes a fool out of you. At the very least I would advise you, if you decide to stay in the marriage, to put money aside, work on yourself and have an escape plan if it happens again.

Did he say these awful things to the OW about you? I dont know why you want to hold onto him like he a prize.

You will never forget that he betrayed you.

Op, I don’t know whether you’re still reading but sadly you cannot just forget what she has said. The mind movies stayed with me for a long time. I cried pretty much every time we had sex, imagining him with her, and there were so many triggers that set me off.
A lot will depend on how he can help you cope with these flashbacks. At first my exh was understanding but gradually wanted me to forget it all and stop mentioning it as apparently it was doing more damage to us.
In the end I just couldn’t live like that despite like you, being totally committed to making it work.
Please don’t ever feel that because you’ve made the decision to stay that you cannot change your mind. I hope you work things out, I really do, but don’t stay if you’re unhappy.

OP, the best thing you can do is ask for a trial separation. I was where you are 5 years a go. I remember the roller coaster of emotions. In the end, after 9 months we split.
Our split taught me I can do it alone. I sorted my finances out, I increased my hours at work, I saw friends, got a hobby , enjoyed myself and I healed. After 6 months I took him back. The 6 months apart showed him what he stood to lose, showed him I don't need him. Showed him that he is the one that suffers when we split, living in a flat without his children. I made him work for his 2nd chance and I firmly believe he won't do it again. If he does, I walk away with my head held high. Believe me, I was like all these posters - before his affair I firmly believed he would be kicked out straight away, no 2nd chances. But now I know, life is not black and white. Everyone's situation is different, there's no rights or wrongs in what you chose to do and choosing to stay does not make you weak despite what others will imply. There is no shame in trying at your marriage.
In answer to your question though, you cannot forget. It is always there. It gets easier though, the memories less painful. You can be happy again with him if you choose to stay but you can be happy without him too.

The thing is, when you have known your dh for years (20 in my case) and always thought that you knew him well, and that he was trustworthy and "not that kind of person", and then you learn details about the sleazy things he's done with his OW, then your whole world is turned upside down. Anything seems possible. It absolutely feels like, if he did that, then anyone could do it. Even if you are not trying to construct a narrative in which cheating is a forgivable offence.

The OP has just had her world turned upside-down a few months ago, faced the potential end of the life she thought she had, and had the most private possible aspects of her life mocked. I don't think it's very helpful of other posters to tell her that their husband will never do such a thing, even if that is what they strongly believe. If you met someone who'd had their car stolen, would you emphasise how your car can never get stolen?

I agree that you don't know what it's like until you're in that situation. Blonde, it's early days yet. I hope you find peace in your life again soon. I would suggest making sure that you are less dependent on your dh, and explore all the options that are available to you if you do decide to leave at any point. That way, if you stay, you will be staying with him because you want to, not because you are afraid of the alternative.

(Oh sorry, wrong user name, but it was you I meant!)

Oh FFS . I have been in a situation much worse than the OP and there was vulnerable people I could have blamed but I was the adult and didn't. Because that's what we have to do as adults. The OP has focused all her venom on someone she doesn't even know , it's not good for her. Everyone is allowed their opinion.

Well done, you.

Thank you

@Lickmylegs0

Ditto.

Well OP what to say to you that might help. Not sure really - after I found out about my ex H affair I knew that I wanted the relationship to end. Because I know that nothing I had ever done warranted being treated in that way. He and the OW have tried ever since to make my life a misery. Funnily enough they are a local laughing stock.

This site is fabulous for honest, direct advice, even if some posters do rather bang the point home repeatedly. You may not see that now, but you will, believe me, in the future. I didnt really have Mumsnet during my journey. I wish I had.

One thing that has occurred to me (after getting caught up in pure frustration at the focus on the ow and her being malicious)is that - although the length of his affair has not been specified - op apparently has no clue until he told her (before the ow he's just dumped did).

Given how often cheaters get caught out (or women have suspicions and instincts that turn out to be correct), and the ow being 60 miles away I think; this guy seems to be really accomplished at lying, covering his tracks, deceiving etc. For op not to have found out or even suspected during the affair ... That speaks of someone exceptionally self possessed and skilled at deception; which makes me wish even .more that op would reconsider her decision to continue the marriage.

I can't help wondering if this is one if these situations in which the wife has rose tinted glasses firmly on and really doesn't grasp what she is married to.

*had no clue

OP if you're still reading.

I don't think there is a fast path to 'getting rid' of the painful feelings (and perhaps images) you have after the OW contacted you. You have them now, they won't disappear so you'll have to work through them one way or another.

If you can bear to, I would recommend talking through the most painful parts with your therapist to help with the process. Talking out loud can really help us gain deeper perspective and healing. Online counselling is worth doing until you can resume face to face especially if you already have a relationship in place from before lockdown.

And it's true that it's going to take time for it to fade. More time than you want it to.

OP, I am not sure if you are still reading the messages but this line jumped out to me

I am generally happy to live in ignorance about things that if I knew might upset me

You would rather live a lie ... Live in a life that was not true, live in ignorance, live in a fantasy than face the harsh reality. The truth is this... Your husband cheated on you. You would have preferred to never have known this and would have perhaps preferred to go on with your life as you knew it. However thanks to the OW, you were unable to do so. Instead of blaming your husband who broke his promise to you and cheated on you, disrespected you and your marriage and most likely spoke ill about you as a person and your body .... You are instead angry at the OW for bringing this all to your attention. And you know in your heart that if it wasn't for her threatening to disclose it to you... Your husband would have never mentioned it.

You want to believe that everyone is capable of cheating and posters here claiming otherwise are just virtue signalling. The reality is that there are many of us who would never do it under any circumstances. But then again, this is another bit of truth that perhaps you would prefer to happily live in ignorance about than let it upset the narrative that you have concotted that everyone is capable of cheating and will do it when the opportunity presents itself.

Posters like @Ch3at3rs and others have given you good advice but it may sound too harsh to you at the moment. You have decided that you want to stay with your husband and the reasons he has provided are justifiable enough for you to carry on with this marriage.

Living in ignorance might be a good policy for you but will not set a good example for your children. You have not mentioned once about your husband's lack of thought towards the welfare of his children? Did he not once think of how his actions might affect his children? What kind of example are you setting for your children by continuing with the marriage?

You have made up your mind by all accounts but I hope few months down the line you will realise that you deserve so much more OP. My words might seem too harsh and perhaps unwanted and unnecessary to you but it is not coming from a place to make you feel bad or put you down. I truly wish the best for you and I feel that you could do so much better than holding on to a partner who has done so wrong by you

I can't help wondering if this is one if these situations in which the wife has rose tinted glasses firmly on and really doesn't grasp what she is married to

Almost certainly is Gilbert - willfull blindness never did anyone any favours.

OP Personally I think you should dump your twat of a H at the charity shop, but seeing as you've chosen not to I guess the only advice I can give is this...

Don't make him the centre of your universe from now on, and take him down from the pedestal he never deserved to be on in the first place.

Good luck.

It's obvious how this thread was going to pan out.
I asked earlier what I could expect in the years to come after my boyfriend has been diagnosed with early onset Parkinson's disease. I got lots of LTB responses, save yourself, don't be selfish 'won't someone please think of the children' type responses.

People here can be real dicks. She didn't ask you to talk her out of her decision to stay in her marriage, did she?

Put yourself in OW shoes. She has been alone throughout lockdown I assume. No kids. Dumped by the man she obviously had feelings for. Imagine how jealous she will be feeling of you with with what would look like your perfect family life.

She said those things to deliberately hurt you. Because she was hurting and angry. She made herself look very foolish in doing so.

As you build your self esteem you will be able to feel sorry for her rather than hurt by her.

People here can be real dicks. She didn't ask you to talk her out of her decision to stay in her marriage, did she? confused

If is totally unrealistic to expect posters (or anyone anywhere) to give advice with the entire background blanked out/ignored.

"His do I deal with the pain caused by my dh's infidelity" is simply not a question that can (or should) be answered in isolation from whether someone should be dealing with it (in the context of staying in marriage). It is not impossible that ops dh has done similar before but not been caught or outed. It is far from impossible that he might do similar again in future. He's shown no compunction in cheating on her, his wife and the mum if his kids, in being derogatory about her, managed to do so without making op suspicious, and and showed no conscience and made no "confession" til forced to.

So providing that advice would be like a medical professional advising an addict on his best to shoot up, without pain, without warning them about the risks or asking them if they might consider other choices.

Thus is a forum for help, but you don't get to dictate what people think their help should entail.

(how best to shoot up).

@quantumdog

People can be dicks on here and I disagree with the advice you’ve been given, however, you can’t really compare someone getting a disease through no fault of their own to someone making a choice to cheat! The OP should LTB because he’s clearly a twat! He’s fucked up the lives of 2 women and managed to emerge looking like the victim! The OP has made it clear that she would rather live in ignorance and ‘forgive’ him except those of us who have been there know that this isn’t really possible no matter how much you convince yourself. There’s the worrying who he’s with when he’s out, worrying who he’s messaging, seeing happy couples and being reminded that your marriage isn’t like that anymore. It’s a living hell that I would never put myself through again.

Op doing her head in the sand thing that she says she's used to get through things before, may not be best for her (or her kids) welfare in the long run.

If a woman whose DH has cheated, and is not an extremely unlikely candidate to ever repeat it .. sticks her head in the sand, she could be an ongoing "victim" (some people think infidelity is abuse and I'd agree wholeheartedly) of affairs and end up in a farce of a marriage, with the potential for her husband to derail their finances to ow, perhaps impregnate an ow (which some ow do do in desperation to "get" their married partner) and end up with kids outside the marriage in the mix, be blind- sided by him actually leaving for someone else sooner or later, should he make that decision (and that usually involves skulduggery with finances too) etc etc.

This is obviously hard to predict but this man has shown total disrespect for their marriage & family, considerable contempt for the op (mirrored back.to her by his other woman in her rage) and no slip ups or conscience.

He had also shown acceptance of high risk of his marriage ending and family being broken up (unless he believes op will never leave no matter what he does, which is as bad in a different way).

@spongedog

Well OP what to say to you that might help. Not sure really - after I found out about my ex H affair I knew that I wanted the relationship to end. Because I know that nothing I had ever done warranted being treated in that way. He and the OW have tried ever since to make my life a misery. Funnily enough they are a local laughing stock.

This site is fabulous for honest, direct advice, even if some posters do rather bang the point home repeatedly. You may not see that now, but you will, believe me, in the future. I didnt really have Mumsnet during my journey. I wish I had.

So glad you got rid !! And they got what they deserved

Op if you are still reading I hope you're ok - I know a lot of these replies including mine have probably been tough to read.