Affair aftermath - how do I 'forget' what I know?

[elettra]

We are recovering from an affair; we have made the decision to stay together and I genuinely believe it's the right thing for us as individuals, and for our family. I completely understand that many people in my position would find this unconscionable and think I'm a fool, or naive, or have low self esteem but really none of that is true. This was a mistake, a huge one, but one he massively regrets. There were reasons why it happened, fault on both sides that led to it and we do believe we can recover from it.

He told me of the affair, having finished it with her, but no specifics as understandably I did not want to know. However the woman concerned (I could describe her in other terms but I will try to be polite and dignified) chose to contact me shortly thereafter out of spite and malice, and spewed out - amidst her vitriol about me and him, mainly me - a vast amount of excessively detailed information about their physical interactions, how much sexier he found her than me, where and how they had sex, derogatory comments about my physical attributes etc.

And now I know all this, I can't unknow it. It's 6 months on now but still little snippets keep floating back into my head at random times. I know it was all said to hurt, to upset me, and a lot of it was grossly exaggerated but I can't stop remembering it. I'll be in the bath, or out for a run, or with the children, and it will pop up. Or he'll compliment me, and I'll remember one of her negative comments.

How do I try and forget it? Is that even possible? Do I just need to give it more time?

@elettra I do think you need to consider that she has her information about you from him, and her understanding of your relationship from him. I'm guessing she was the more junior/secretarial type which of course many men love as they are so malleable and the attention is flattering.

I think by demonising her you risk not seeing this clearly. You shift the blame to her and it's easier to be with your husband and ignore the fact that he humiliated you.

If you can say that the two of you had been very disconnected for a few years and he had tried and you had pushed him away then of course you both contributed to it. But if not hes simply a guy that found himself in a situation he chose to take advantage of because he wanted the ego boost and he lied to ensure that she went along with it.

Op, the fact that she knew things about your body makes me feel ill. He's obviously told her about you. I'm not feeling the wound, it honestly isn't my intent , but how did she knows these things? Personal things about it. I hardly think he was being complimentary whilst balls deep in someone else. He's disgusting. She was probably lashing out with rage, god knows what he told her. I feel you've forgiven your husband by placing the blame on her, although you say you haven't, when in fact it him who slept with someone else, him who told her all about you, him who let you take a present she bought down the charity shop. I couldn't get over it.

you need to look at why you feel its OK to abuse the OP.

It is not abuse, it is pointing out that with every post op is increasingly coming across as arrogant, elitist (if that's the right word) and actually misogynistic.

Ow is "unstable", a gold digger, tawdry ...

Meanwhile her cheating DH is "an idiot but my idiot" and they're "a team".

The sooner op realises that the only team her "D"H is on is his own, the better.

Ironically you had the post deleted which graphically described how your posts are coming across!

You have made the decision to stay and that can be just as tough as leaving so I really commend you for making that choice (not that you remotely need it) I think sometimes to get the traumatic things outrageously said to you for purely selfish reasons you need to look at the situation from a different angle.

Your relationship won.

He didn't have emotional ties to her, it seems to be purely physical. You won.

She may have bent every way possible and allowed him to do whatever he wanted. He got fed up of that in the end he came back to you. You won.

She got so desperate that she had to tell you every sordid detail in the hope YOU would split up with him so she could then swoop in. It didn't work. You won.

For a woman to go to such desperate lengths to ensnare a man, a man who showed her little emotional interest just shows how lonely, desperate and well unhealthy her mind is. She is not someone to be hated but someone to be pitied, because in the long term she will not be able to uphold a relationship with those characteristics. You won.

Without realising it you were fighting a battle in your relationship and you lost a lot but you won the war.

Now it's time for the rebuild, acknowledge, analyse, communicate and get that no good man of yours to bend over backwards showing you how much your relationship matters to him. Don't settle for anything less. Good luck

@Katrinawaves

She wanted to hurt you as she thought you had 'won' not sure if the prize, what heyho

I would believe very little of it. If you have decided to continue the marriage your husband owes it to you to set the record straight and reassure you. If not this will continue to eat you

Oh and no romance. Well, it's possible she thought it was romantic performing hand jobs in a layby in her lunch hour.

Indeed. On your husband! A willing participant who actively sought out someone to shag.

I'm out, I do genuinely hope you find happiness whatever that means for you and that you don't end up being hurt by him again due to him having no real consequences.

Oh and no romance. Well, it's possible she thought it was romantic performing hand jobs in a layby in her lunch hour.

Indeed. On your husband! A willing participant who actively sought out someone to shag.

I'm out, I do genuinely hope you find happiness whatever that means for you and that you don't end up being hurt by him again due to him having no real consequences.

@Katrinawaves grin

Changing tack from calling posters obscenities to cheerleading others attacking them - I suppose it's all you're left with.

Oh and no romance. Well, it's possible she thought it was romantic performing hand jobs in a layby in her lunch hour.

Indeed. On your husband! A willing participant who actively sought out someone to shag.

I'm out, I do genuinely hope you find happiness whatever that means for you and that you don't end up being hurt by him again due to him having no real consequences.

I'm out, I do genuinely hope you find happiness whatever that means for you and that you don't end up being hurt by him again due to him having no real consequences.

Ditto.

Thread just demonstrates anyone, including a betrayed wife, can be a misogynist in our society.

This isn't a game, you aren't judge and jury over the decisions the op chooses to make. If you can't offer advice to someone who is asking for help, then don't post. Don't be a keyboard warrior. There's enough hate in the world, don't get someone when they are vulnerable. It ain't cool.

Misogyny is a generalised hatred or contempt for women. Not a contempt for a specific woman who has wronged you nor hatred of their particular actions. Nothing in what OP, or any of the other betrayed wives have said goes wider than a condemnation of the actions of particular women known to us who have behaved badly to us.

@Vik81 Well said. To kick the OP when shes down is beyond the pale.

@cripspacket

I had abuse from the OW, despite SHE being the one who had gone off with my husband (he was to blame too of course).

Two years of the most vile, personal and derogatory comments culminated in and entire board room table, in front of the judge at court, being full of all the comments she had written and texted me.

Karma.

Me too. But the best recently was OW mouthing off in a school meeting about me and my values, meeting about MY children, her possible stepchildren (not married - so is it step?). I kept a straight-face; school staff were open mouthed. I imagine she was gossiped about in the school office for months. What is so funny is that my values include not fucking around, certainly not fucking a married man. (Because OP - many of us really do not consider that to be an acceptable exit from a poor marriage)

I found Family Court not so interested. They dont really give a shit about anyone including the children.

But I am finding the judgmental updates from OP irritating. I am also independently wealthy. The OW in my situation was a solicitor. So I hope not money grabbing as I hope my ex has protected his DC financially. But if he hasnt, OK, I can.

Discussions like this often get heated but we'd like to remind you that Mumsnet is here to make parents' lives easier. While we encourage healthy and robust discussion, we hope that everyone can respect each other in their choices and express their views without resorting to personal attacks.

Misogyny...what nonsense.
I view his conduct as tawdry too. Does that make it misandry? Or is every male- female encounter ALWAYS the man's fault...something for which only the man can be to blame?

That infantilises women and suggests they can't control their own actions, or are controlled by men. Surely that can't be what you meant? Isn't that rather misogynistic in itself?!

Nothing in what OP, or any of the other betrayed wives have said goes wider than a condemnation of the actions of particular women known to us who have behaved badly to us.

I was t referring to anything "the betrayed wives" said as misogynistic .. i haven't read any of your posts in detail .. though I was certainly starting to suspect yourself and your current wingwoman belonged to such a group, it was an explanation for the vitriol aimed at a poster not letting a poster bury themselves in denial, delusion, blame shifting etc.

I only referred to what the op has said, and yes, absolutely her assumptions and conclusions, for example about the other woman's instability, the other woman's economic circumstances and subsequent motivations .. (all assumptions because the ow said nothing about money for example) have been misogynistic.

Ow is an unstable, tawdry gold-digger, according to op ..

Her "instability" or a really malice and desperation mainly caused by ops dh's actions m, op has no proof whatsoever that she was economically motivated in the affair (just assumes that from her superior perch), and ow being "tawdry" was happily instigated and received by op's dh.

It is all underpinned by misogyny.

@elettra. There may be someone along in a moment to berate you but I think you come across as dignified, switched on and very courageous in tough circumstances. I think until you’ve walked a mile in our shoes it’s hard to understand what it’s like. I don’t criticise others who have made the immediate decision to leave and in return I don’t expect to be criticised for taking my time to see whether the marriage can be saved as you are doing. It makes a difference when kids are involved and it’s been a long marriage too. I wish you all the best.

Ow is judged as harshly as she could possibly be and is seen as a pariah etc.
DH (the married one) is not, and is in the fold, in the "team".

What a coincidence.

I never understand how a man who has behaved so appallingly can inspire two women, both of whom he has treated with disdain and disrespect, to attack each other's character with such vitriol while still seeing him as some sort of prize to be won. He must be very comfortable on his throne.

So he finished with her because she wasn’t fun, and told you about it because she was going to anyway.

What happens if she remained fun? Or finds someone else who is also fun?

If your going to stay together you have to accept there is a stronger than average possibility he will do this again and live with the fact that you can’t kee bringing it up and arguing about it, because you chose to stay and these are the consequences of your action to decide to stay.

It can work-but it takes a lot I imagine, I personally just don’t think I’m made of string enough stuff to stay with someone who was unfaithful

PP I don't have any advice, I can't imagine how you feel or what you must be going through.

I've not experienced what you have but i can imagine I would feel exactly the same

I think it's a mistake to ask him to step back and let you deal with it, OP. He needs to be proving himself to you right now, and given what she's doing, one cease and desist from him at the start isn't cutting it.

I disagree that it's your battle, it is absolutely his. A loyal life partner would defend you against such abuse in any other circumstances, so why on earth would he get excepted just because it's the woman he cheated with? If anything, that makes it even more important that he proves himself and fights for you, especially since there's a good chance he told her the things she's weaponising against you. You say you realise he's as culpable as she is for what happened (entirely culpable, actually, since he is solely responsible for the commitment he made to you) so don't let him off this one. Let him fight for you, what's the point of any man who won't do that, and how much does he have to make up to you? And don't give him any opportunity to enjoy the idea of two women fighting over him. Make him choose sides in this battle. He had an affair, he doesn't get to claim neutrality.