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Relationships

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Original poster

Sex question

90 replies

Bonkersblonde · 06/07/2020 01:27

My husband of 27 years (!) has a very high sex drive. I’d be happy with twice a week, he’d be happy with twice a day...

Anyway...

His overriding desire is to wake to me “playing with him”. I’ve never done this for various reasons; not being awake at the right time, him facing away from me, just not wanting to, insomnia not always being cured by sex, resentment of his mess etc..

I will say that he hasn’t been faithful to me and nearly left me for someone else a few years ago.

It’s got to the point that he feels “hurt” because I haven’t done this over the 31 years we’ve been together. I don’t feel I can be honest when I wake in the early hours due to stress (work related issues, him not able to work because he’s self employed and his work has basically dried up, kidults being less than helpful, heart palpitations etc) and he seems to expect me to jump on him.

Questions.

How much is enough sex?

Is he being reasonable?

Help! This is an ongoing issue and I always feel he expects too much and he feels I give too little.

For info, I do all the cooking, most of the shopping and housework although he does most of the diy and lots of washing up. He is very. messy though and doesn’t put things away. But he is great at presents, namely jewellery.

What do you think?

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 06/07/2020 02:59

So if he's not working at present, he should have loads of time to help out around the house. Also, the kids, how old are they ? No treats for them unless they become more helpful. I hope you don't still cook and clean for them if they are adults now.
Go on strike, or take yourself away for a bit and make them value what you do.
I'd say twice a day is very unusual after 31 years, you are maybe guessing this figure and over- estimating it, unless you have actually maintained twice a day at times and know he really wants it that often, it's hard to know what level would really satisfy hi. To be fair, it's a wonder you would be happy with twice a week given that he's been unfaithful to you, that would turn most off for anything.
As far as his fantasy goes, it's a fairly tame one that would not bother me to try if I had respect for someone, but I would of lost all that years ago in your shoes. Why should you put effort in indeed if he's not doing so, he should be doing anything possible to make amends after what he did.

Windmillwhirl · 06/07/2020 03:50

Help! This is an ongoing issue and I always feel he expects too much and he feels I give too little.

I'll be honest, your marriage sounds grim. He wants sex on tap but does nothing but throw some jewellery your way.

Is it any wonder you arent wanting to be intimate?

Do you feel if you dont do what he wants he will cheat again?

Onthemaintrunkline · 06/07/2020 04:23

What an awful way for you to start each day with him either hopeful or sulk-full! Who needs this kind of pressure!?

justilou1 · 06/07/2020 04:49

Have you told him that your overwhelming desire is to wake up to a sparklingly clean house, the lunches made, the laundry done, no chores hanging over your head, feeling energized from having slept soundly because you’re not kept awake with stress from your family pressures or his, or going over and over WTF he was thinking when he cheated on you and if he’s likely to do it again.....?

sanityisamyth · 06/07/2020 05:07

Maybe when he's done all the housework twice a day, you'll shag him twice a day 😜

ukgift2016 · 06/07/2020 06:27

He sounds like a pervert.

Shoxfordian · 06/07/2020 06:30

He sounds really sleazy
Do you want to stay married to him?

Anothernick · 06/07/2020 07:45

To answer your direct questions

1 enough is what you believe it to be, everyone has a different perspective and it will vary depending on circumstance. I think twice a week is OK when at work, though on holiday I'd want more.

2 no he is not being reasonable. Sex, like other aspeçts of a relationship is about compromise and finding a solution acceptable to both partners. I'm surprised you haven t managed to do this after 31 years. Though if all he is asking is for you to feel him with your hand then surely you could do that occasionally if it is so important to him?

Making you feel inadequate sexually is a warning sign. He should be happy that you are still at it regularly after all these years. I have been with my DW 30 years, my priority when we have sex is to make sure she enjoys it as much as I do.

SoulofanAggron · 06/07/2020 11:57

He is being very unreasonable and it's not on for him to try and nag you into doing this thing, when you might be knackered/stressed/not into anything sexual with him because he's a wanker etc.

I will never put up with stuff like this from men again, they would be out the door.

Twice a week is much more than a lot of people are having, and I think is about average (and of course the average will probably include teenagers, people in a new relationship etc.)

I don’t feel I can be honest when I wake in the early hours due to stress

You could tell him, though I doubt he'd be supportive, and would probably still sulk and try to manipulate you into sexual acts when you don't want to do them.

He is not pleasant to have around.

LemonBreeland · 06/07/2020 11:59

It’s got to the point that he feels “hurt” because I haven’t done this over the 31 years we’ve been together

I'm afraid my answer to this was I was 'hurt when you cheated on me. Honestly why are you with this man? It's all about him,

Dontforgetyourbrolly · 06/07/2020 12:04

It's not unreasonable for him to let you know his " overwhelming desire" .
Tell him yours is to have a faithful husband .
You should have let the OW take him then I bet your insomnia, anxiety etc would be half way to being cured.

Goinghome20 · 06/07/2020 12:07

Creepy sex predator. It's all about him.
Get rid.

RLEOM · 06/07/2020 12:22

If I'd been with someone for 30 years and had a long-life sexual desire that's easily achievable and not intrusive, and my partner never even attempted it the once, I'd think they're pretty selfish to be honest. And that's coming from an average sexual being.

I'm not saying that partners should be forced to do things they're uncomfortable with, but if my major sexual desire was something as easy as waking up once during the night for a quick fumble and my partner never even tried it the once, I'd be upset. It's a two way street.

user0002846727 · 06/07/2020 12:53

This is a bit like querying a scratch on the bodywork when the car's only got three wheels...

ravenmum · 06/07/2020 13:02

I was thinking something similar to @RLEOM - but, looking at it the other way round, if there has never been one day out of the 9,000 potential days so far when you have thought "Oh go on then, let's try out that unremarkable thing he keeps going on about", then presumably your relationship has been awful the entire time?

Fidgety31 · 06/07/2020 13:55

I think it’s u fair you have never even attempted his fantasy - it’s not even quirky !
But it seems to be as there’s underlying problems and you see sex as a pay off for him doing chores ?
Can you not separate the two ?

ThePathToHealing · 06/07/2020 14:06

I understand why some men have that fantasy but does it throw up some concerns, you can't 'pre-consent' to sexual contact if you are asleep. I'd be worried about how he views consent in a relationship and how that affects your ability to be honest about your wants and needs.

The right amount of sex is as much as you want or don't want. His attitude to that could be accepting or hurtful, that's his responsibility, not yours.

Trust is a large part of the sexual experience and if it isn't there outside of the bedroom you won't find it in it. Your body will know.

Do you ever talk openly with him, does he try and understand your side of things? Or is it all about him and how you need to change?

BumbleBeee69 · 06/07/2020 14:26

I do all the cooking, most of the shopping and housework although he does most of the diy and lots of washing up. He is very messy though and doesn’t put things away

he hasn’t been faithful to me and nearly left me for someone else a few years ago

No wonder you're not falling over yourself to 'fumble' with him sexually of a morning.. who the hell would ... he sounds repulsive ..

Bridget64 · 06/07/2020 14:53

How on earth does this man sound like a pervert or a sex predator? Could someone who said that explain it to me? Is he a pervert because he does less housework? Or because he had an affair? Because he has a high sex drive? Or because he had a sexual fantasy?

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 06/07/2020 14:59

@Bridget64

No doubt it's because he's a man.

user1481840227 · 06/07/2020 15:06

That's actually not true at all. In some couples they give blanket consent to do whatever whenever..or just certain things. Maybe in some cases they have other rules like not to try things if they were arguing or absolutely exhausted or so on....but in some cases people do give pre-consent.

I don't think there are enough details in the OP to say that he's some kind of sleazy sex pest.
The OP said he'd like sex twice a day. She doesn't say that he demands it or anything at all about how he acts in regards to that, just that he would be happy with it twice a day.

I can understand why he'd be hurt that for such a tame fantasy that it wasn't attempted once in 31 years. I would be too.

Obviously not being faithful adds another massive element to this, I personally wouldn't be able to sleep with him at all after that so I would have to end the relationship.

Bridget64 · 06/07/2020 15:16

The OP is asking if it's unreasonable for her to not go along with a sexual fantasy for 31 years.... And has decided to stack the deck in her favour by adding in the affair and the less housework. These are separate issues and have muddied the waters somewhat.

SoulofanAggron · 06/07/2020 15:26

How on earth does this man sound like a pervert or a sex predator? Could someone who said that explain it to me?

@Bridget64 Part of the problem is he is emotionally manipulative about it. He also does seem a bit obsessed with sex, what with how much he wants it and also cheating on the OP.

some cases people do give pre-consent.

@user1481840227 Some do, most don't.

I can understand why he'd be hurt that for such a tame fantasy that it wasn't attempted once in 31 years. I would be too.

However tame some of us might think it is, it might be really not appealing to the OP, and she can't bring herself to do it. I'm not a morning person, esp for sex.

@Bridget - they're not sexual issues if they've effected her feelings for her partner- which is not 'wrong.'

everythingcrosses · 06/07/2020 15:29

If you don't want to do it then don't do it. He should respect your decision and not try to coerce you into a sexual activity that you don't want to do. Tbh is have ditched him for the cheating.

user1481840227 · 06/07/2020 15:37

some cases people do give pre-consent.

@user1481840227 Some do, most don't.

OK, but in this case he has given pre-consent

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