Sex question

[Bonkersblonde]

My husband of 27 years (!) has a very high sex drive. I’d be happy with twice a week, he’d be happy with twice a day...

Anyway...

His overriding desire is to wake to me “playing with him”. I’ve never done this for various reasons; not being awake at the right time, him facing away from me, just not wanting to, insomnia not always being cured by sex, resentment of his mess etc..

I will say that he hasn’t been faithful to me and nearly left me for someone else a few years ago.

It’s got to the point that he feels “hurt” because I haven’t done this over the 31 years we’ve been together. I don’t feel I can be honest when I wake in the early hours due to stress (work related issues, him not able to work because he’s self employed and his work has basically dried up, kidults being less than helpful, heart palpitations etc) and he seems to expect me to jump on him.

Questions.

How much is enough sex?

Is he being reasonable?

Help! This is an ongoing issue and I always feel he expects too much and he feels I give too little.

For info, I do all the cooking, most of the shopping and housework although he does most of the diy and lots of washing up. He is very. messy though and doesn’t put things away. But he is great at presents, namely jewellery.

What do you think?

I can see the consent thing is a difficult issue and there are lots of opinions on it. I'm really sorry for raising it.

I hope I haven't put the OP off from returning as I'd really like to hear more about what she wants and needs from the relationship.

But the OP doesn't want to do it, surely that should be an end to it. I'd find the idea of starting sexual contact with my DH when he was asleep weird, and wouldn't want him to go on about it once I'd said no.

I'm not a morning person, so for that reason alone it would be a no-no.

But I think this is about a lot more than just sex. It doesn't sound as if the OP has come to terms with her DH's infidelity at all.

sorry - 'not separate issues.'

Thanks for all the replies.

A bit more info.

He has cheated on me with a variety of women for all but the first year we were together. He does say he hates this part of himself but our frequency of sex isn’t enough for him, this is partly why. He also I think, likes the thrill of the chase, he was less experienced than me when we got together. He was 21, I was 23 (14 months between us).

I am not trying to skew anything in my favour, these are facts.

We have sex between 3-4 times a week on average. Sometimes less, sometimes more. I try to aim for every other day but don’t always manage.

Our kids are a lost cause with helping. I won’t go into details but both have various physical/emotional/mental health issues. The elder works from home and should be moving out within the year with her fiancé. The younger has an alcohol problem and to be quite honest, it’s just easier to put up with it. I can’t do WW3 every time I’d like something done. It can get nasty, just can’t keep doing that.

The general resentment I feel is off the scale. Yes it’s a tame fantasy and I may well do it at some point but right now, it’s the last thing I want to do, mainly because he wants me too. Yes I know it’s immature,.

He isn’t a monster, he isn’t pestering me constantly but he is very tactile and I find it a little claustrophobic sometimes. But if he isn’t physically demonstrative I know something is wrong.

He does say he loves me regularly. Also I only found about the extent of his antics about 5 years ago.

In the interests of full disclosure, he also doesn’t feel I back him up when talking to the kids. We fundamentally disagree sometimes on how to deal with them and this causes friction. This does not help with his feelings towards me. I’m sure I cause him resentment too, not least because we don’t have sex as often as he’d like.

For the record, I’ve not been unfaithful.

Re consent. He hasn’t just given pre-consent, he is actively encouraging me to do it.

My ex husband of 20 years was just the same, sex mad, didn't give a monkeys about how I was feeling and was a lazy shit who took no responsibility for anything.
it was a massive relief when he left quite honestly. I feel like a new person.
I can't be doing with being pestered for sex 24/7 AT 58.

Also, he is a very attentive sexual partner, it’s usually great when we’re together. I do sometimes get distracted by stuff going around my head.

I also find I can’t get in the mood at all when I’ve had a drink. I don’t drink to excess but like a medium skinful on occasions. We often do it in the morning, this is not a problem for either of us. He’d prefer it at night but I’m generally so knackered. He needs less sleep than me too.

Oh OP, please leave this guy. Your kids will be ok I promise you, they can get support from services if need be. And no, they're not a lost cause, people hardly ever are. You might have done all you can as a person but there will be other treatments etc they can try.

Why did you stay with him after the affairs op? Personally even the crown jewels wouldn't induce me to touch him.

I'm just confused , your issues with your husband are profound. So why are you focusing on the sexual fantasy/high sex drive in your OP? So, if you have been together 31 years and you found out five years ago he had cheated every year but the first... Does that mean he has cheated on you for 25 years? Or 30 years? Did he continue after being caught?

25 years or more? That's unforgivable in my book. I defended him before based on what was said. He is vile.

You have three different main issues ( a couple more smaller issues) and this is the sort of thing that gets messed up on a forum. You need to pick the main one for you and look to resolve it.

Your husband is despicable as a cheat and a liar. I take it he cheated on you through pregnancies and/or a baby at home. I can't imagine you trust him?

You don't respect each other as parents

You have mismatched libidos which along with (understandable) resentment is causing problems in the sexual part of your relationship.

I'm sorry. I can't even imagine how you must feel.

His overriding desire is to wake to me “playing with him”. We have a really adventurous sex life but this is something I would never do. I've been raped and sexually assaulted so many times and this is too close for me. I'd feel like I was sexually assaulting my partner. And I couldn't be with someone who thought this was ok to do to me.

It’s tricky isn’t it? Life is not straightforward...

There is a lot about our relationship that is good. I don’t believe he has cheated on me every year and he swears not during pregnancy.

Yes he is a bit Jekyll and Hyde. But mostly Jekyll (is that the good one? Can’t remember...!)

To the outside observer, we look fine, happy, settled. And mostly we are actually. We just had a drunken shouty row last night which made me post here. I’m surprised at how lucid I sounded, I certainly didn’t feel it as I was a bit boiling made after I’d piled up all the things he’d left in the kitchen in the middle of said kitchen floor. It was all away when I got home though.....

I’m not leaving, financially it would be a disaster. Although I do have quite a bit squirrelled away should things get to that point.

I suppose I was after some outside perspective. I’ve tried to be as objective as I can and to put his issues with me here, I can be sharp, sarcastic and belittling on occasion but then again, no one’s perfect.

Yes we do have mismatched sex drives, always have had. His is high, mine is average or a bit lower I think, but who really knows? I have had a total hysterectomy and am on HRT, goodness knows what I’ll be like when I come off that (I’m 54). Not significantly worse I hope.

Yet he can be the perfect partner sometimes, just not all the time. And me too I think. The infidelity bothered me less than I thought it would, no it’s not ideal, but apparently not a deal breaker for me. There are worse things (although I’d obviously rather it hadn’t happened).

He’s not abusive or emotionally manipulative, he’s basically a good bloke with flaws. I’m trying to be as fair as I can to mitigate the “skewing it to my advantage” opinion- I’m really trying not to do that.

@user1481840227

I understand why some men have that fantasy but does it throw up some concerns, you can't 'pre-consent' to sexual contact if you are asleep. I'd be worried about how he views consent in a relationship and how that affects your ability to be honest about your wants and needs.

That's actually not true at all. In some couples they give blanket consent to do whatever whenever..or just certain things. Maybe in some cases they have other rules like not to try things if they were arguing or absolutely exhausted or so on....but in some cases people do give pre-consent.

I don't think there are enough details in the OP to say that he's some kind of sleazy sex pest.
The OP said he'd like sex twice a day. She doesn't say that he demands it or anything at all about how he acts in regards to that, just that he would be happy with it twice a day.

I can understand why he'd be hurt that for such a tame fantasy that it wasn't attempted once in 31 years. I would be too.

Obviously not being faithful adds another massive element to this, I personally wouldn't be able to sleep with him at all after that so I would have to end the relationship.

Er, really really not. I do not have a low opinion of all men, or even my husband. I am just trying to get perspective from outside.

I clearly can’t tell friends, where would I start? Actually some girl friends do know, but not the full extent because I feel that’s over sharing. And they are supportive and not judgemental about my choice to stay, which is most helpful.

Not getting at you, user-lots-of-numbers, just explaining where you may have a misconception.

Arrgghh, quoted wrong message! Meant to reply to the one saying “it’s because he’s a man”

The "it's because he's a man" message was in response (in a round about way) to the comments saying your husband was a pervert or sex pest message... Not to you I don't think.

I don't get the connection between sexual desire and household chores. Why does whether he's done the washing up affect whether he 'gets' sex?

I think you just aren't interested in sex. And he is.

Nobody's being unreasonable. That's just how you are

I do though think he deserves to wake up to you holding him. It's not really a big deal to do that, is it? On his birthday maybe?

I wish someone bought me jewellery and wanted sex twice a day. Sounds ideal ☺️.

... it's all a question of individual needs really

@Bridget64

The "it's because he's a man" message was in response (in a round about way) to the comments saying your husband was a pervert or sex pest message... Not to you I don't think.

How is he a pervert for finding his wife attractive?! Ffs

No ... That's not what I meant... I'll stop talking now.

I wish someone bought me jewellery and wanted sex twice a day. Sounds ideal. He has been cheating for nearly 30 years ffs. I suppose that's the op's fault though for 'only' wanting sex every other day.

We all have different attitudes to sexual intimacy. The idea of waking up to someone touching me in a sexual way would really freak me out. That's because of the SA I went through as a child.

I'm aware that this is because of my past and it isn't how other people will feel about it. But I wouldn't personally like it if after I'd said I didn't want to do a particular sex act my partner were to go on at me about it and make me feel bad about not wanting it.

I can't get past the fact of him cheating on you multiple times with multiple women 😔. What a nasty selfish bastard. Imo he should be kissing your feet in eternal gratefulness that you're still with him and can bring yourself to have sex at all. So sorry that you don't feel able to leave him because you 100% deserve better.

@mellowww

I don't get the connection between sexual desire and household chores. Why does whether he's done the washing up affect whether he 'gets' sex?

I think you just aren't interested in sex. And he is.

Nobody's being unreasonable. That's just how you are

I do though think he deserves to wake up to you holding him. It's not really a big deal to do that, is it? On his birthday maybe?

I wish someone bought me jewellery and wanted sex twice a day. Sounds ideal ☺️.

... it's all a question of individual needs really

I am interested in sex, just not daily.

You know the saying the biggest sexual organ in a woman is her brain? That’s why him basically leaving stuff all over the place, sitting in a chair most of the day, leaving a ring around the bath (which he does often clean tbf) not putting clothes away, never vacuuming unless asked etc etc does have an effect on how attractive I find him on a daily basis and how I might or might not desire him. Scrubbing shitty toilets (amongst other things) is not the way to a woman's heart....

So yes, it is linked. I don’t feel like he understand how anxious/stressed the mess makes me and why is it my job to do everything when I am still working (albeit part time) and he isn't

It’s not doing chores to “earn” anything, it’s being a team.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

The only thing I can say is you deserve better.

End of.

You wanted an outsiders perspective? You have spent more time posting about his messiness than his infidelity . It sounds like it's turning into a marriage of convenience for you . And the mess is inconvenient. Which is your choice , it just sounds joyless. I can't believe you can love him, you don't care that he has been unfaithful, not much anyway. Although I have a feeling you will say it's good most of the time... Living with Jekyll and Hyde isn't good, being betrayed isn't good. And why post and keep posting if it's good?

Serious question, why don't you offer an open marriage to him in return for a paid cleaner for you? How does that interest you ? Seriously?

This is such a sad post.
I think you've been so used to this you think it's ok. So much of your writing is defending him, like you're trying to make him sound like a decent bloke.
He's slept with multiple women and you still want sex with him?
No wonder you're resentful. How do you ever get past that.