Sex question

[Bonkersblonde]

My husband of 27 years (!) has a very high sex drive. I’d be happy with twice a week, he’d be happy with twice a day...

Anyway...

His overriding desire is to wake to me “playing with him”. I’ve never done this for various reasons; not being awake at the right time, him facing away from me, just not wanting to, insomnia not always being cured by sex, resentment of his mess etc..

I will say that he hasn’t been faithful to me and nearly left me for someone else a few years ago.

It’s got to the point that he feels “hurt” because I haven’t done this over the 31 years we’ve been together. I don’t feel I can be honest when I wake in the early hours due to stress (work related issues, him not able to work because he’s self employed and his work has basically dried up, kidults being less than helpful, heart palpitations etc) and he seems to expect me to jump on him.

Questions.

How much is enough sex?

Is he being reasonable?

Help! This is an ongoing issue and I always feel he expects too much and he feels I give too little.

For info, I do all the cooking, most of the shopping and housework although he does most of the diy and lots of washing up. He is very. messy though and doesn’t put things away. But he is great at presents, namely jewellery.

What do you think?

Oh I do care, more than you think, honestly.

I put the stuff about the mess because it bugs me, but don’t we all have things about our partners that bug us? Mostly the mess posts are to explain why I feel like I do which is resentful.

His desire to be woken like that and my inability to do it seems small to me but obviously big for him.

Open marriage sound horrid. Cleaner would be lovely but we are down to one income. Also I think a cleaner wouldn’t clean this pigsty, I’m embarrassed about it most of the time.

The infidelity wasn’t the main reason, I was just offering perspective about my own feelings. I keep posting because I am genuinely interested to get a feel for how outsiders think. It’ll help me make a potentially life-changing decision. Or not.

It’s not joyless, far from it. We have tension about various things sometimes, not all the time, like most long term relationships. If you met us you’d think we were perfectly happy

He does say he hates this part of himself but our frequency of sex isn’t enough for him, this is partly why.

Bless his cotton socks, he's bloody good at turning himself into a victim isn't he?

DP and I (23 years) have always had highly mismatched sex drives, but there's never been an urge to wantonly shag other people and I'd think the same for most relationships where this exists.

But also, with respect, why is your self-respect so low you suffer an existence with someone who clearly sees you with, at best no respect, at worst pure disdain?

One last thing, what did you learn about relationships whilst growing up within your familial structure?

Also, he's not abusive or emotionally manipulative. I'd disagree purely based on affairs over so many, many years. That's excluding the other issues given in your posts.

Why do I get the impression if he bought you enough jewellery you might just do it?

I have a high sex drive when I'm with someone who treats me well but it disappears if they are lazy and unfaithful.

I'm impressed you have sex with him so often considering what he is like!!

I keep posting because I am genuinely interested to get a feel for how outsiders think. Yeah right.

@DishingOutDone

I keep posting because I am genuinely interested to get a feel for how outsiders think. Yeah right.

Not massively helpful. I need outside perspective. I can’t talk to friends, I’d just get validation, I need unbiased opinion.

Would you care to unpick your comment a little and explain what you actually mean by it?

Unbiased opinion now that you've added more details is that your life with him all sounds very tough. You deserve better.

3-4 times a week is probably at the very higher level of the scale for couples in long term relationships or for your age. You said you think yours is average or a bit lower than average...but I'd say at 54 the fact that you said your ideal was twice a week is waaaaay higher than average.

Do you genuinely want to have sex with him? or do you feel like you have to?

You say the infidelity bothered you less than you thought it did, do you think that that is really true? or is it possible that you just feel a bit numb and have shut down your emotions about the infidelity and the aftermath?

How many times would you estimate your husband has lied to you over the last 30 years? To cover up his cheating? Cheating with multiple women over years... Would you say .... Hundreds? Thousands?

How much money did he take from the family purse to spend on his other women? Thousands? Tens of thousands?

How many times was his good mood about someone else? His bad mood about someone else.... How many times did you ask him what was wrong and he lied to you?

How many other women has he lied to in order to seduce them? In order to feed his flagging ego and get what he wants? You say he loves the chase.... But you know what that means don't you? He has lied to every single women he has been with one way or another. Do you think they all knew about you? Do you think he lied about you? Made himself the victim? I bet he did.

You were 21 when you met and by the time you were 22 your faithful relationship was gone, and if you stay with him , gone forever.

You say he isn't emotionally abusive? I disagree wholeheartedky. He has taken pretty much all of your adult life and made it a lie.

How can you not be angry about that? If it were me he wouldn't trust me to "wake him up in a certain way". He would be locking the door and hiding the scissors.

Your husband has little or no empathy . He's not going to start clearing up, he's not going to take the pressure off you. He doesn't know what it's like to care in that way. He never will.

Pretty much Bridget64
This is why I see it as a sad post. It's not a sex question really. It's about how he has groomed you from a young age to accept this shit relationship (how can it not be with all the cheating & deception) that you are so ground down by it or used to this norm that he's even got you thinking is it ok to say no to him about waking him up in that manner?
That's your question. Waking up his dick he's put in gods know how many women while he's been with you.

How many other women has he lied to in order to seduce them? In order to feed his flagging ego and get what he wants? You say he loves the chase.... But you know what that means don't you? He has lied to every single women he has been with one way or another. Do you think they all knew about you? Do you think he lied about you? Made himself the victim? I bet he did.

@Bridget64 This is really insightful and I think it's probably true. I knew a guy and he would tell different lies to and mislead different women in different ways.

He said to some, his wife was asexual. To others his marriage was on the point of breaking up. To others what he said about his wife was- (...)
'
-not mentioning he had one at all.

He lied about everything in his life. To me it meant that for some of the women his interaction with them was non-consensual as they did not agree to sex under the actual circumstances in which it took place- that he wasn't going to leave his wife, or she isn't asexual, or she exists etc.

@Bonkersblonde Why do you think you aren't as bothered as you would've imagined about his cheating on you?

@Deadringer

I wish someone bought me jewellery and wanted sex twice a day. Sounds ideal. He has been cheating for nearly 30 years ffs. I suppose that's the op's fault though for 'only' wanting sex every other day.

I meant the sex and the jewellery - without the sleeping with other women!

Although: the OP doesn't seem to mention that as a problem. She seems more turned off by his messiness and lack of helping around the place. Some couples just amble on with infidelity as an accepted evil.

And obviously I was joking about the sex and jewels. Personally I couldn't tolerate any infidelity either.

Honestly OP I feel like you are a lost cause. You say that you don't want an open marriage, but you have essentially allowed that for over 30 years. You allow him to use the pathetic excuse of a high sex drive allow him to cheat on you over and over, and you say you won't leave.

He has no respect for you, you have no respect for yourself and I feel very sad for you that you have allowed yourself to be treated like crap for so long.

Get him a wank mag and a box of Kleenex, you know where the bathroom is & don't leave a mess in there.

So if you have sex more than the average woman your age, does that mean that your dh can't complain? Because that would imply that if you are having sex less than the average woman, then he can complain, in which case what would happen? You would have sex against your will? He would be allowed to have affairs? That whole logic is pretty unpleasant, whatever direction it takes.

His desire to be woken like that and my inability to do it seems small to me but obviously big for him.
When did he start saying that he wanted to be woken like that? He's complaining about you not doing it once in 31 years, so does that mean he told you about it 31 years ago?
If your "inability"/unwillingness is based on you feeling too resentful to do it, have you been resentful for 31 years?
I don't understand why you're arguing that it's not important to you. You know it is important to him; if it's not a big deal to you, why not do it? I would suspect that something about it is in fact a big deal.

You're incompatible. I think you should split...neither of you will change. Though like a pp said, I think you'd miss the jewellery

@ravenmum

So if you have sex more than the average woman your age, does that mean that your dh can't complain? Because that would imply that if you are having sex less than the average woman, then he can complain, in which case what would happen? You would have sex against your will? He would be allowed to have affairs? That whole logic is pretty unpleasant, whatever direction it takes.

His desire to be woken like that and my inability to do it seems small to me but obviously big for him.
When did he start saying that he wanted to be woken like that? He's complaining about you not doing it once in 31 years, so does that mean he told you about it 31 years ago?
If your "inability"/unwillingness is based on you feeling too resentful to do it, have you been resentful for 31 years?
I don't understand why you're arguing that it's not important to you. You know it is important to him; if it's not a big deal to you, why not do it? I would suspect that something about it is in fact a big deal.

Raven I agree - if he's wanted that (very simple?) but of closeness for 31 years, why have you withheld it? Why is it so awful to do that? I suppose in a way that desire of his is for you to set your own desire free and take the initiative. It is him saying you are free to use my body as your own. No barriers.

Although I don't condone infidelity, I think I too might feel a bit forlorn if I offered myself like that and my husband rejected me completely. He wasn't asking you to wake him up with a blow job. Just to hold him 😐

Actually just to want him.

You don't want him. His body. You want the framework of your life, security, family, money.

He's gone elsewhere for love.

But still comes back to you.

This is possibly unfashionable of me, but I feel quite sorry for him.

I meant that bit of closeness ☺️

@mellowww

You cannot be serious. I'm actually like... What? You feel sorry for her husband? Do you know, we are all allowed to create our own barriers sexually. The OP is as well. This man has repeatedly cheated on his wife and you feel sorry for him? If you think denying someone participation of a sexual fantasy means they deserve to be betrayed over and over and over again then I'm glad I'm not your partner.

You have assumed a lot about the OP, the chances are he has made her feel the way he does.

He had the option to leave and get that " bit of closeness" elsewhere. Repeatedly cheating on your partner behind their back ..... Is truly despicable.

Tell him to take the burden of all housework off your shoulders and keep the house tidy, then you may actually be in the mood fo morning sex.

Otherwise, fuck him ( not literally). I would never forgive infidelity so he's already on to a winner.

Tell him to take the burden of all housework off your shoulders and keep the house tidy, then you may actually be in the mood fo morning sex

This crap is always trotted out on here. I don't think for a minute someone with a low sex drive is going to see the bathroom floors been mopped and suddenly feel insatiable. What a load of nonsense

Yes, my point was more that if OP has never done what he wanted, it's not just because he happened to be lying facing the wrong way, or because it's never struck her as a big deal. It sounds like she's never wanted to do it, e.g. as the relationship has never been that nice.

The infidelity bothered me less than I thought it would, no it’s not ideal, but apparently not a deal breaker for me.
"Apparently", as if you're looking from outside at your behaviour - staying with him - and concluding based on your actions that, evidently, you don't mind that much.

Sounds almost like it's a reverse, and this is OP's husband describing the whole thing based on his best guesses about her views. Or as if OP is repressing her real feelings so successfully that she has no idea why she doesn't fancy fulfilling his fantasy.

The 31 year fantasy could be looked at either way... Why has the OP denied it for 31 years? It's a fairly straightforward request...I can understand this more though. However, if my partner repeatedly asked for a sex act I hadn't ever been keen to do... He would take the hint and let it go after 31 days let alone 31 years. Who would keep asking for that long?

I think this is a strange one actually.