Sex question

[Bonkersblonde]

My husband of 27 years (!) has a very high sex drive. I’d be happy with twice a week, he’d be happy with twice a day...

Anyway...

His overriding desire is to wake to me “playing with him”. I’ve never done this for various reasons; not being awake at the right time, him facing away from me, just not wanting to, insomnia not always being cured by sex, resentment of his mess etc..

I will say that he hasn’t been faithful to me and nearly left me for someone else a few years ago.

It’s got to the point that he feels “hurt” because I haven’t done this over the 31 years we’ve been together. I don’t feel I can be honest when I wake in the early hours due to stress (work related issues, him not able to work because he’s self employed and his work has basically dried up, kidults being less than helpful, heart palpitations etc) and he seems to expect me to jump on him.

Questions.

How much is enough sex?

Is he being reasonable?

Help! This is an ongoing issue and I always feel he expects too much and he feels I give too little.

For info, I do all the cooking, most of the shopping and housework although he does most of the diy and lots of washing up. He is very. messy though and doesn’t put things away. But he is great at presents, namely jewellery.

What do you think?

You've played off all the faults against him buying you nice jewellery.

He's gone elsewhere for love that is so funny.

Trouble is though, OP doesn't seem bothered - most of the answers (not @mellowww) come from a place of how we would react to a partner's repeated infidelity. But if the OP isn't bothered about that, then the issue around holding the knob seems almost trivial. In fact OP trivialises it herself by talking about being content to stay in the relationship and the jewellery etc. The house is burning down but look at the lovely garden gnomes and doesn't the drive need power-washing - that sort of attitude.

To answer a few questions/misconceptions, then I’m leaving this as it’s making me feel pretty crap actually.

I haven’t got a low sex drive, just lower than his. I do desire him but a lot of women find thoughtless actions by their partners (anything, not just housework) is a massive turn off and I’m one of them. Character is as desirable as physical attributes. Having said that, he has definitely been much tidier since we had the showdown preceding my OP.

Does any of us really know what the average fucks per week of the average mid 50s couple is?

I wish I’d never mentioned the jewellery. It’s not payment for anything. He’s always done it, even before the OW. And OW haven’t been every year or all the time but there have been multiple women.

I think the question I really wanted the answer to is what’s reasonable? But there are so many of you thinking of me as some meek little mouse....which I’m not but now I think I must be pretty feeble and spineless.

I am not a man hater and he is not a priapic monster. We are just muddling our way through life, as are we all.

Anyway, all comments have been food for thought so thank you for that. Some have been insightful and useful.

To those just slagging me off, well I hope it made you feel better for that moment. It’s not constructive, but that wasn’t your intention, was it?

I couldn't be attracted to a man that has shagged most of the population of the village... sorry OP but I'd struggle to be civil never mind intimate with him... how have you coped mentally..

I don't know the average fucks per week of the average mid 50s couple is. I'd put good money on it being less than twice a week. I am 38 and I'm probably averaging four times a week. But I've been at everything from zero times per week to 25 times per week ( long term partner, 18 years). I imagine if I'm averaging twice per week at mid fifties i will be happy enough. ( I have a bigger sex drive than my husband). There's no such thing as normal.

@BumbleBeee69

I couldn't be attracted to a man that has shagged most of the population of the village... sorry OP but I'd struggle to be civil never mind intimate with him... how have you coped mentally..

Well it’s not all bad. But thanks x

Bonkers I'm sorry. It's difficult on here to get a proper measure of the situation.

I think it's not easy to define 'reasonable'.

A reasonable amount of sex is what feels good. It just sounds like your reasonable is his unreasonable, and vice versa.

Maybe it just needs a bit more give and take, on both sides. Sounds like he's trying a bit more now to be helpful.

Sorry as really didn't want to make you feel worse 💐

Twice a week for us - sometimes more, sometimes less.

We both said tonight that when we make love we are literally making and creating more love in our relationship.

(Genuinely soz if that sounds bilious)

Ahh, sorry. I'm well late to the party. Just seen that the OP is getting fed up of having to defend herself. No wonder.

For what it's worth OP, your husband sounds like he could do with considering your feelings. I couldn't live under that kind of pressure.

What exactly does the OP has to defend herself from? The jewellery comments? Considering she wasted everyone's time and confused the hell out of me... I mean if she wanted to talk about the average sex life of a couple in their 50s why not just ask about it. Pointless thread.

Well.....

I was trying to give a balanced view of the situation. I can’t really put a 31 year relationship into a few paragraphs.

And I said I was leaving it, clearly I can’t...

If it’s pointless, then I’m sorry I wasted so much of your time.

I don't think it's pointless/wasting anyone's time. I don't like it when someone dismisses an OP within just a couple of days or less. It takes time to get your head around what you learn in a thread as an OP and decide what to do etc. xx

It isn't a case of what is enough, because one size doesn't fit all.

Is he being reasonable, yes. Are you also being reasonable, yes.

I think the real issue op is compatibility. One of you is gonna be unhappy with the arrangement, he's already been unfaithful, I'd suggest finding a partner your better matched to sexually

For me personally, my fucks for manchildren average at about zero at all times

@ClaryFray He's not being reasonable. Yes he can have a libido of whatever level, nothing wrong with that, but he shouldn't throw a strop or anything if he doesn't get what he wants.

@Dollyrocket Right on, Sister!