It’s all kicking off

[Morag72]

This is going to be a long one ...

I’ve been married to DH for over 20 years. I am in my mid-40s with three DS (17, and 10 year old twins). We’ve had our relationship ups and downs over the years and my biggest beef is that when we have an argument I get dished the silent treatment which can often last for days. We’re not big communicators. My DH is a fantastic dad to my twin DS. He used to get on well with our oldest DS17, but the past year and a half have been tricky. DS17 gets irritated with his father who has a very traditional view of the father son relationship - where he demands respect and won’t allow his son to raise his voice. DS17 is a generally good kid, very bright and hard working. Likes to spend time with his girlfriend and typical teenager going to parties but nothing too wild. DH had a fairly conservative upbringing and doesn’t understand the need for a serious girlfriend at this age. The other day my DH was asking my son about university choices and the conversation got heated. My son got angry and my DH lost his temper and told my DS he was sick of being disrespected. I spoke to my son afterwards and told him he need to watch his tone when speaking to his father. My DH then ignored my son and hasn’t spoken to him for 2 weeks and he’s been pretty abrupt and barely talking to me. Unfortunately today one of my younger DS was showing my DH something on my phone. DH started looking at WhatsApp messages between me and our DS17 - which included DS being rude about his dad.
DH went mental when he saw the messages and threatened to kick DS17 out of the house. He said some really awful and cruel things to him. Now he’s telling the DS10 he wants a divorce because he wants nothing to do with my or DS17. It’s a mess. The younger ones are crying hysterically because they don’t want us to divorce. I want my marriage to work but I don’t agree with my DH approach to parenting a teenager. I also have had to deal with a DH who gives me the silent treatment and now see him doing the same to DS17 which breaks my heart.

Perhaps I’m missing the point but going back to the conversation about uni choices getting heated - why was that? I can only think that your DH was trying to lay down the law and DS disagreed. What actually happened?

Oh also, the silent treatment is bullshit. It’s unacceptable. My mother used to do that. No big surprise that I now live in another country and don’t miss my family at all.

Easy solution, give your husband his divorce, he's a cunt.

@dontdressme - uni conversation got heated because DS wants to go to the US (which we’re ok with), but certain choices my DH didn’t agree with. DS17 got annoyed.

Silent treatment is abuse. Threat to kick your son out of the house is abuse. Your DH shouldn't have looked at your WhatsApp messages either. The fallout and drama is not your fault. You can't make things right unless your DH decides to change his approach to a more respectful one (oh the irony).

My husband used to do the silent treatment and usually I had no idea what my perceived crime was . It all stopped when I did it back to him . I gave him no offer of a cup of tea, no 'good morning ' nothing . I totally blanked him and I think that you and your son should do the same . Ignore him when you are in the same room. Have chat and a laugh together , in the same room as him etc etc . My husband lasted about an hour and by the time he dropped me off at work I was his best friend . He never did it again cos he couldn't cope with it used against him .

Oh, this is difficult. Your husband is being a stubborn old mule but he probably feels really disrespected and feels justified for his behaviour so it's going to be a while till he calms down.

How bad was the things your son said on whatsapp?... You know that's a big no-no? , letting him critisise his dad to you. You cannot ever take sides, ever.

How bad was the stuff your husband said to your son? Was it forgivable?

I think I read about something with teenage boys and their dads, they both jostle for their seat at the head of the table.... I think as long as nothing truly awful was said this is salvagable.

Whether you want to be with someone who uses the silent treatment as a punishment is another story ( it's awful, for both you and your son)

@Ken1976 - I just don’t think it will work. He can honestly go days / weeks without talking. And sometimes I stop talking to him once he tries to resume normal conversation.

Then things just get prolonged.

Growing up, and even at university, I was amazed how many of my female friend's fathers were like this.

They tended to marry very prickly men.

Ring any bells?

@DaisyRaisin - I didn’t really take sides on the WhatsApp and I have repeatedly told my son to apologise. But my son is just angry that his dad refuses to speak to him. I think I’m am ultimately taking sides though because I detest my husbands approach.

Your DH sounds like a total Manchild. Sulking and Locking antlers with a 17 year old lad who is naturally challenging his rules. It’s your sons decision which Uni he goes to. It’s his life not DH’s. Respect is earned not demanded and the way he behaves doesn’t warrant respect from anyone. It’s not 1952! I agree with PP agree to a divorce and find a grown up.

@JinnyTheWitch - if you mean was my Dad like this ? No not really. He had a temper but was never mean. Never gave me the silent treatment. Has mellowed a lot in old age.

Wow he sounds like an arsehole

I’m not at all surprised your eldest DS wants to move half way across the world to get away from him, What are your plans for when your younger children are teenagers and he turns into a psycho with them?

It’s so unfair for him to have told his youngest DC he wants a divorce (but I assume not told you this?) is completely emotional abuse over your children - I’m really sorry you’re in this situation OP

I honestly would call his bluff and say that maybe you do need a trial separation, After all is this how you are wanting the next 20 years of your life to go!?

@Morag72

I totally understand you taking your son's side. I would too. I have no doubt. I'm glad you didn't actually show your son that you were taking his side though and tried to resolve this.

I think your husband sounds really difficult and emotionally immature. And your son is maybe seeing this so the man he used to admire and look up to doesn't exist. Add stress, and hormones, and you've got a boiling pot.

I've seen this before though in my family, this kind of dynamic and it does tend to get better when the son gets older.

However, I think maybe you have extra stuff going on here. Like your husband telling ten year olds that you and he are getting a divorce so he won't see his other son, their sibling? I mean , what was he thinking. And again, the silent treatment, I think the silent treatment is one of the most manipulative and hurtful things you can do to a person.

I feel sorry for your son

If your son has any sense, he’ll move out for university and never look back! The way you both treat him now will end up in him cutting you both off.

I've been through the whole silent treatment crap in the past. I found it so upsetting and frustrating! And when I'd snap after literally weeks of it I'd be accused of being mentally ill.

Now my grown child does it if I dare to disagree with them...or like atm I've done nothing at all and they are doing it because they are having a bad time and using me as an emotional punch bag.

Wish I'd left sooner and broken the cycle tbh.

Best of luck x

You will lose your son.

I wonder if he wants to go to the US to escape. I went to Uni as far away from home as possible at first. My dad was a stroppy wanker. My mum split up with him when I was about 18, and that meant she actually saw me for dust. I did/do resent her somewhat for not standing up for me though.

Like yours, my dad has mellowed with age. He didn't do the silent treatment but we all walked on eggshells. It is very damaging to children's mental health and I've never really been able to work due to anxiety etc.

My DH used to give me the silent treatment, but I’ve managed to stop this and our relationship is so much better. He upset me the other day and I walked away because I was upset. Usually, he would have ignored me for hours, it within minutes he came to find me and talked it through.

I have basically had a serious conversation with him about how it makes me feel and how it doesn’t get things sorted. As parents, we need to be a fully functioning team and the silent treatment isn’t okay. His mum also told him he was a sucker. He said sometimes he needs to calm down, which I accept, but not for hours, no way. Having that conversation has really changed him and how we communicate and our relationship is much much better.

Is there any give and take when he is like this? Can you get him to talk to you at all? Also, telling your 10 year old he wants a divorce is unacceptable and unfair on the poor kids. You need to have a serious talk away from the children about why he feels this way towards his DS and how the silent testament isn’t okay, not to you and not to his children.

Sulker not sucker. Really must proof read.

I have had a couple of conversations before telling him that I think the silent treatment is horrible. He took it on board and said he wouldn’t do it again, but didn’t keep the promise.

My dad did this to me all my child hood , we don't talk now

Did they argue because your son wants to make a decision in his own life that his Dad disagrees with? Why on earth are you making him apologise for that - for wanting to have control over his own life.

Your DH thinking is skewed because at some point presumably he has become in charge of his own life not his fathers. At nearly 18 and an adult surely your son should be afforded the same

Not a father who acts like a child

Tell your DH to go if he is so unhappy..

Involving your 10yo in this and threatening divorce in his earshot - I'm sorry but these are not the actions of a fantastic dad. That was a very unkind and unnecessary thing he did.