It’s all kicking off

[Morag72]

This is going to be a long one ...

I’ve been married to DH for over 20 years. I am in my mid-40s with three DS (17, and 10 year old twins). We’ve had our relationship ups and downs over the years and my biggest beef is that when we have an argument I get dished the silent treatment which can often last for days. We’re not big communicators. My DH is a fantastic dad to my twin DS. He used to get on well with our oldest DS17, but the past year and a half have been tricky. DS17 gets irritated with his father who has a very traditional view of the father son relationship - where he demands respect and won’t allow his son to raise his voice. DS17 is a generally good kid, very bright and hard working. Likes to spend time with his girlfriend and typical teenager going to parties but nothing too wild. DH had a fairly conservative upbringing and doesn’t understand the need for a serious girlfriend at this age. The other day my DH was asking my son about university choices and the conversation got heated. My son got angry and my DH lost his temper and told my DS he was sick of being disrespected. I spoke to my son afterwards and told him he need to watch his tone when speaking to his father. My DH then ignored my son and hasn’t spoken to him for 2 weeks and he’s been pretty abrupt and barely talking to me. Unfortunately today one of my younger DS was showing my DH something on my phone. DH started looking at WhatsApp messages between me and our DS17 - which included DS being rude about his dad.
DH went mental when he saw the messages and threatened to kick DS17 out of the house. He said some really awful and cruel things to him. Now he’s telling the DS10 he wants a divorce because he wants nothing to do with my or DS17. It’s a mess. The younger ones are crying hysterically because they don’t want us to divorce. I want my marriage to work but I don’t agree with my DH approach to parenting a teenager. I also have had to deal with a DH who gives me the silent treatment and now see him doing the same to DS17 which breaks my heart.

Your husband is abusive, he’s being abusive to your son and he’s being abusive to you, and also to the twins, by telling them he wishes a divorce, but likely doesn’t mean it, he’s just trying to upset everyone because he’s not getting his way. He’s pulled out the big guns to punish the older teen.

I think op it’s time to lay down the law. Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable and he either behaves and treats everyone with respect or he fucks off and doesn’t come back.

I doubt it will work though. He is an abuser and it’s not going to change. Either you stay and take it, and likely loose contact with all your children once they leave home, or pick them and loose him

Sadly I suspect it’s either or.

I give my husband the silent treatment but never lasts longer than an hour. Usually comes to an end when one of us decides to put the kettle on.

On a serious note, I think it's appalling the way your DH has been treating everyone in your family. Telling a 10 year he wants a divorce is just not on.

Am appalled at the awful scene your husband has forced his child to endure. How utterly selfish. Your poor son ! He has to go - husband I mean, not your boy...it would arguably be showing your son a positive role model who will create the necessary distance between you both and him, in order to have breathing space & time to be able to gather yourself without him around. He sounds seriously dreadful. All this is undoubtedly causing your child stress. You must advocate for your kids as they cannot.

Your DH is not a fantastic dad to your twins. He has used them to upset you by telling them he wants a divorce. This is awful parenting by an awful husband!
Honestly, if it were me I would tell him I'm fine with the divorce too. It sounds like he has said it to manipulate you, but that you would all be a lot happier without him with 24/7.

What’s also nasty about all this he told the ten year old that your getting divorced
I’d take him up on that
And say ok well you’ve told the kids now we are flirting divorced so let’s do it and at least have a break from each other
So he sees how serious his behaviour is
Could you go somewhere for a week or two ?

Thanks for all your comments. Nothing you say really surprises me. What scares me is what to do next. He has an awful temper. I suspect if I call his bluff on the divorce he will
go nuts. I feel like a terrible mum because I’m exposing my kids to this.

Also my younger DH were crying hysterically at the thought of a divorce.

After a heated discussion it’s normal to have some time alone to cool off, an hour or two but two weeks?

That’s abuse.

Im actually frustrated you described him In the op as a fantastic dad. Wtaf?!

He is a controlling bully.

Leave him.

Don't let your DS upset stop you, they are currently abused by him emotionally and it will get worse as soo as they start maturing and wanting to have they own opinions and choices.

In the long term they will be far happier for you to divorce and not have to live full time with someone treating them and their Mum so badly.

“He has an awful temper. I suspect if I call his bluff on the divorce he will
go nuts.”

So this man keeps you all in check through fear. Absolute definition of abuse. You’ve endured it for years which means you are an expert in how to survive in your relationship with this man but now he’s turning on your son you’re drawing a line. Which shows you’re a good mother.

Okay - who can be on hand when you call his bluff? Have lost track of who’s allowed where at the moment and of course it depends which country you’re in, but I would say this is actually a domestic abuse emergency and the rules don’t apply where you’re escaping domestic abuse (which this is). Or is there someone who can have your twins while the conversation happens? Perhaps your son should stay around but hidden because you may need to involve the police. Or another relative or friend, preferably someone large and male.

The immediate road ahead is going to be difficult and bumpy but in the long-term the cost of not standing up to your H will almost certainly be higher.

Quite telling that you refer to the dc as yours.
Yep, solid gold arse op, your kids will leave and you will be left living with a bitter old man. You say you’re worried about you calling his bluff, what physically or will he ramp up the blame? Start lining up those ducks, future you and your dc will thank you.

The children are not upset at the thought of a divorce - not really, they are upset because their father is lashing out & behaving in an abusive manner.

This isn’t like you’ve sat down together & broken news of a separation in a calm, adult way.

They have had to bear witness to what sounds like the angry ranting a of their father who has blown his lid. It is simply not acceptable to make your children upset & lose complete control of yourself to the point of threatening divorce in front of your children.

It’s just such a shame. If you make up (and it sounds like that’s what you ultimately want here) your children will be holding their breath waiting for the next time dad explodes & loses his rag, screams at them + mum & stomps off like a big baby.

Hardly father of the year.

He's absolutely not a fantastic dad to the twins by the way. HE has upset them about divorce. He's a disgusting abuser. Him appearing to be a great dad to them is probably part of the abuse of the elder one. "See, if you just got back in line and did what i say, i could be a good dad to you too."

I expect they're crying hysterically at the thought of divorce because they know their dad will be furious and they are terrified of him. Children are very, very good at hiding their own feelings to placate an abuser. I expect they're stressed up to their eyeballs. Get them away from this psychological warfare their dad is inflicting on you all. Tell people in real life what's going on and ask for their help to get you free of it. Call women's aid. Call the police even. Don't try and do it alone. And don't call his bluff on a divorce. Do it.

A fantastic dad wouldn't be telling his DCs he wants a divorce because of their sibling.

He's a horrible man.

Leave him.

My DH used to try this as that was what his Dad did.
I used to respond with, ‘if you are going to act like a 2 year old, I will treat you like a 2 year old. Go and have some quiet time.’
I would then talk to him normally and generally ignore the bad behaviour, just like a child. Sometimes he needed reminding that grownups use their words.
He laughs about his behaviour now, but it was not fun at the time.
Good luck

Let him have the divorce.

He’s not a fantastic father. He’s abusing all of you.

Well, he's an abuser.

This post really reminds me of things on the Lundy Bancroft book about the household of an abuser being a little tyranny/autocracy, never ever a democracy. Of the entitlement and value system of the man who's at the centre of it.

Silent treatment to a kid for two weeks?????? Seriously!!!

Terrible temper, silent treatment, demands for "respect", monitoring of your communication, low as he can go upsetting & destabilising of other children with threats of divorce.

He's the king with his subjects, right.

The reason you're having the current difficulties is because your eldest child is now old enough to think.for himself. And he's not even a challenging young person, he sounds sensible responsible. What's going to happen with the others? What's going to happen with the others? What if some of them aren't so sensible; they'll go absolutely off the rails with an authoritarian, bullying, essentially abusive father like this.

I’ve just spoken to him and he’s laying the blame firmly at my feet. Says I’ve turned out DS17 against him and that by engaging in WhatsApp’s with our DS17 I’m incredibly disloyal. Starting spouting on about how I’m not a loyal person and how I’ll never have or have had good relationships because if it. He says this a lot ... and I’m not sure why he thinks this. I pushed back and told him it’s fault if I’m like that because of his approach to arguments and the silent treatment. He says I’m arrogant to think this is not my fault. I’ve told him I want a divorce and he has agreed. I doubt he will go quietly.

Please start getting your ducks in a row legally and financially. Get recommendations for divorce solicitors in your area that have achieved good financial results for their clients.

Ring up and make some free initial appointments.

Start gathering all the financial information you need to take with you.

Value of the house, outstanding mortgage, both of your incomes and pensions other debts and savings etc.

Well done OP! You’ve done it. Hang in there now. I’m sure everyone here can offer you support over the next few days, weeks and months if needed.

He won't go quietly, so you need to start getting your ducks in a row. Get evidence of his finances - income, pensions, savings, everything. Are you on the house deeds? If not, register an interest in the property. Make sure you have copies of all essential documentation in a secure place and that you have things like birth certificates, passports, bank account details. Contact a solicitor. Be prepared for the fight.

It will be worth it, I promise you. Your life will be so much better without this twat in it. Your twins will recover once they are living in a happy stress free household with you.

good luck op-if youre both on the deeds legally he doesnt have to go neither of you do but hopefully you can come to an arrangement