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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It’s all kicking off

137 replies

Morag72 · 05/07/2020 20:35

This is going to be a long one ...

I’ve been married to DH for over 20 years. I am in my mid-40s with three DS (17, and 10 year old twins). We’ve had our relationship ups and downs over the years and my biggest beef is that when we have an argument I get dished the silent treatment which can often last for days. We’re not big communicators. My DH is a fantastic dad to my twin DS. He used to get on well with our oldest DS17, but the past year and a half have been tricky. DS17 gets irritated with his father who has a very traditional view of the father son relationship - where he demands respect and won’t allow his son to raise his voice. DS17 is a generally good kid, very bright and hard working. Likes to spend time with his girlfriend and typical teenager going to parties but nothing too wild. DH had a fairly conservative upbringing and doesn’t understand the need for a serious girlfriend at this age. The other day my DH was asking my son about university choices and the conversation got heated. My son got angry and my DH lost his temper and told my DS he was sick of being disrespected. I spoke to my son afterwards and told him he need to watch his tone when speaking to his father. My DH then ignored my son and hasn’t spoken to him for 2 weeks and he’s been pretty abrupt and barely talking to me. Unfortunately today one of my younger DS was showing my DH something on my phone. DH started looking at WhatsApp messages between me and our DS17 - which included DS being rude about his dad.
DH went mental when he saw the messages and threatened to kick DS17 out of the house. He said some really awful and cruel things to him. Now he’s telling the DS10 he wants a divorce because he wants nothing to do with my or DS17. It’s a mess. The younger ones are crying hysterically because they don’t want us to divorce. I want my marriage to work but I don’t agree with my DH approach to parenting a teenager. I also have had to deal with a DH who gives me the silent treatment and now see him doing the same to DS17 which breaks my heart.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 05/07/2020 21:51

As soon as the twins are older they will get the same treatment too. Tell DH to leave because you have no respect for anyone that treats others the way he does.

bigchris · 05/07/2020 21:53

This is awful for your 17 year old and in a few years you'll have 2 teenagers as well

minielise · 05/07/2020 21:55

I think you need to remind your husband that he agreed to not do the silent treatment anymore, and the fact he is now doing it again shows a lack of respect on his part.

Your sons choices are his own, I would be concerned that he will become so unhappy in the current environment that he will go off early on his own instead of continuing on within education to get where he wants.

Your younger children shouldn’t be having to listen to your husband bad mouthing you and being made upset by him, they deserve parents that treat them with respect and make them feel safe.

back2good · 05/07/2020 21:59

The silent treatment is a form of abuse. Emotional abuse. Your DH abuses you to get his way, and now he is abusing his son. YOUR son.

Stand up for your son and explain to all your DCs that your DH's behaviour isn't right, and it's not how mature people handle disagreements and conflict.

Tell your DH you will not be ignored in your own home.
And he is not a fantastic dad. Fantastic dads don't model abusive behaviour and treat their children in this manner.

user187428496 · 05/07/2020 21:59

Why have you been allowing your husband to abuse your child?

FatherBrownsBicycle · 05/07/2020 21:59

I want my marriage to work but I don’t agree with my DH approach to parenting a teenager. I also have had to deal with a DH who gives me the silent treatment and now see him doing the same to DS17 which breaks my heart

Jesus. Your DH is awful. Demanding respect, giving the silent treatment and using young DC as an emotional pawn by telling DS he wants a divorce. What kind of father does that? Do your kids a favour and give him that divorce.

FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue · 05/07/2020 22:06

Your DH didn't speak to his own 17-yr-old son for two weeks? Wow, that is shockingly poor behaviour. Yes emotionally immature, as a PP said. I can understand rows between parents and teens, but not this kind of abusive nastiness. And to make his other children cry by threatening to divorce you and never see DS again? Nasty.

I think you need to calmly lay down a line in the sand here. Explain to him how emotionally damaging his behaviour is. He's the adult here, he needs to start acting like one.

And tell him you won't stand for the 'silent treatment' any more. If he can't learn to communicate when he has a problem with something, then you'd all be happier if he wasn't around.

DishingOutDone · 05/07/2020 22:07

Your marriage hasn't worked for a long time. Your husband is an arsehole and now he's taunting your younger DSs.

Thank god he wants a divorce. Give it to him. Tell him he needs to leave.

Who owns the house, do you work etc? thats what you should be sorting out, not how you can quietly continue to enable this bully.

IndieTara · 05/07/2020 22:23

He is a bully who manipulates your kids to get at you and act the big man. Get rid

IndieTara · 05/07/2020 22:23

He is a bully who manipulates your kids to get at you and act the big man. Get rid

DuineArBith · 05/07/2020 22:26

Your husband needs to grow up in a big way and learn that he cannot demand respect, he needs to earn it. And that he cannot earn it whilst using the silent sulking tactic which most sensible men grow out of by their twenties.

TheTeenageYears · 05/07/2020 22:26

I know lots of people say you should support each other in front of the DC but I really do not subscribe to that. I just cannot support something I don't believe in. It's got me into tricky situations with DH but I think it's how so much abuse has been able to go on over the years in society. If you disagree with your DH advocate for your DC - if it ends the marriage then so be it.

MamaFirst · 05/07/2020 22:29

Well he sounds nice. It's not just the silent treatment, he holds onto that grudge for days and days? How do you ever move on if he won't talk about it? Also involving the 10 year olds is a dick move. He sounds like a arsehole.

JinnyTheWitch · 05/07/2020 22:33

Who has financial control?

Original poster
Morag72 · 05/07/2020 22:43

I used to work but lost my job at the start of covid. I do have quite a bit of personal savings though and could also get a job if needed. The financial side doesn’t phase me much to be honest.

OP posts:
Techway · 05/07/2020 22:49

your dh is a bully. Your son is refusing to tiptoe around him which is the right approach.

He is unlikely to change now so what choice do you have? He is likely to react the same to the younger boys when they assert themselves.

Chloemol · 05/07/2020 22:56

Sorry but what example are you to your children, accepting abuse from your husband, allowing him to abuse his own children with his silent treatment etc

I would be handing him divorce papers and kicking him out

He is no example to your children, neither are you at the moment being prepared to accept this behaviour

Think about it

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 05/07/2020 22:56

Your husband is a nasty dickhead and he's abusing you all.

mswales · 05/07/2020 22:58

Not talking to his own child for two weeks and then telling his other two that he wants to divorce their mum so he doesn’t have to see her or their older brother again is just too horrific for words. He clearly has major issues and is seriously abusive. I’m so sorry that you and your children are going through this. It sounds like you would all be much better off without him even if this makes the younger ones upset in the short term. Good luck.

ilovehalloumi · 05/07/2020 23:00

OP, I'm sorry this is happening.

Please consider that your sons are seeing this twat as an example for what a husband and father should be. They will grow up thinking it is normal and acceptable to give future partners the silent treatment and yell about divorce in front of younger children. As well as go through their wives WhatsApp messages and control their children. Is that what you want? I'd give him the divorce.

recycledbottle · 05/07/2020 23:03

Your husband is a bully. You should be proud that your son is standing up to him. He may want college in US to get away from you both. The younger children may not necessarily act the same way. They may accept it and do as their Father requests. They may think his behaviour is normal and repeat it. You can't tell yet.

Lineofconcepcion · 05/07/2020 23:05

My father used to do this quite frequently. He didn't talk to me and ignored me for 4 weeks from the start of my o levels to the end. That was 41 years ago and I've never forgiven him. It's abuse and your children will learn their behaviour from their father in exactly the way my brother did.

DC3dilemma · 05/07/2020 23:20

Hi OP

I’m another person who got the silent treatment. It absolutely ruined my relationship with my parents. Even as a young adult you need to feel safe and trust your parents. It’s such a horrible position to be put in my people you rely on. I barely have anything to do with them as an adult, there’s a distance between us that will never recover.

OhYeahYouSuck · 05/07/2020 23:31

Tell your H he is welcome to his divorce. What a prick. Your son doesn't need to apologise to his childish dickhead of a dad and he will end up resenting you for not standing up for him. Soon your H will treat the twins in the same way. He's a shit husband and dad.

ohfourfoxache · 05/07/2020 23:44

He’s talked about divorce?

It’s a bloody good idea. It’s always a good idea to get yourself and your dc away from abusive wankstains