It’s all kicking off

[Morag72]

This is going to be a long one ...

I’ve been married to DH for over 20 years. I am in my mid-40s with three DS (17, and 10 year old twins). We’ve had our relationship ups and downs over the years and my biggest beef is that when we have an argument I get dished the silent treatment which can often last for days. We’re not big communicators. My DH is a fantastic dad to my twin DS. He used to get on well with our oldest DS17, but the past year and a half have been tricky. DS17 gets irritated with his father who has a very traditional view of the father son relationship - where he demands respect and won’t allow his son to raise his voice. DS17 is a generally good kid, very bright and hard working. Likes to spend time with his girlfriend and typical teenager going to parties but nothing too wild. DH had a fairly conservative upbringing and doesn’t understand the need for a serious girlfriend at this age. The other day my DH was asking my son about university choices and the conversation got heated. My son got angry and my DH lost his temper and told my DS he was sick of being disrespected. I spoke to my son afterwards and told him he need to watch his tone when speaking to his father. My DH then ignored my son and hasn’t spoken to him for 2 weeks and he’s been pretty abrupt and barely talking to me. Unfortunately today one of my younger DS was showing my DH something on my phone. DH started looking at WhatsApp messages between me and our DS17 - which included DS being rude about his dad.
DH went mental when he saw the messages and threatened to kick DS17 out of the house. He said some really awful and cruel things to him. Now he’s telling the DS10 he wants a divorce because he wants nothing to do with my or DS17. It’s a mess. The younger ones are crying hysterically because they don’t want us to divorce. I want my marriage to work but I don’t agree with my DH approach to parenting a teenager. I also have had to deal with a DH who gives me the silent treatment and now see him doing the same to DS17 which breaks my heart.

What a vile, nasty abusive man.

He is utterly controlling.

He feels control slipping so he involved the twins to up the pressure.

What a selfish prick.

Your son is correct not to back down.

Protect your children or be the one they blame for not doing so.

Stick to your guns and get divorced.

Your house sounds very stressful.

Teenagers are hard work sometimes but you have to try and remain the adult.

Yours is an abusive home.

Call the plouce for support.

"Sorry - I feel like I’m drip feeding here."
Don't apologise to us! Besides, that isn't what you're doing. Your OP's focus was on the immediate problem. You've had some responses that have led you to think outside that original focus. And, of course, the issue has now progressed with you telling him you also want a divorce.

You are living in the middle of an incredibly difficult situation which will be pulling your thoughts this way and that. Use us for your sounding board, your reality check, your sympathetic shoulder. We are here for you.

((hug))

@Morag72, You are doing the right thing. The relationship beoing modelled to your DS is hideous! YOUR relationship is hideous! You ALL deserve so much better!

Ultimately my DH feels ignored by DS17 who constantly comes to me for advise and support as he feels his dad is too negative and judgemental.. So its OK for your H to ignore and give silent treatment to all and sundry who DARE to question him their lord and master, but HE feels ignored? Riiiight.

Your DS comes to you, because your DH is a bad parent, is someone who he can't trust and ultimately doesn't respect because your H, his dad, is a vile bully.

If you don't get rid of this H, you could end up losing your kids when they realise that YOU somehow facilitated this terrible home situation. This is your chance to give them the peace and space they all need to thrive. The kids will probably leave your H to it in future, and he deserves to be left tbh.

This will have been a very painful process for you, the thread etc, but it will be the making of you and your DC. You really are doing the right thing.

You're not drip feeding. This whole 'I am the man, I demand respect' thing is just unacceptable. So give him the divorce he wants and set him free. Your twins will need support to relearn what a normal family looks like, but you will be able to provide that once they are away from him. Even with contact they will still be better off.

OP this is why dh and I are separated and divorcing. I’d been with him ten years and he started to do the silent treatment. A day at first, then a couple then it quickly jumped to three weeks silent treatment after a uncharacteristically aggressive temper outburst over something I felt was quite minor. He said he wanted a divorce and I agreed. I think when he finally came out of his three week long temper tantrum he was quite shocked I’d already started the ball rolling.

His father was exactly the same and no way was I putting up with that long term.

It’s bullying behaviour and it serves its purpose by every one walking on eggs shells not to upset them.

I really recommend *Too good to leave too bad to stay. It’s a great book and was a light bulb moment for me

@DishingOutDone

Op, just wanted to warn you of this - a few years ago when my DD's were late primary school/early secondary, my H walked out. He made a massive deal of saying goodbye to the DCs and made them cry. The drama was all he was interested in.

I took their reaction into account when letting him come back. Kids always want you to make it "ok" for them, its entirely natural. But since then they have consistently said they wish we would split up, and at the same time said that I need to make sure he is "ok". As adults we know that isn't really possible. Your children just want it all to stop, whatever "it" is - imagine in 10 years time if you said to them well I stayed with this twat as you cried a lot. So its your fault.

You've done a great job so far, you have told him you want a divorce. Now maybe talk to the DCs saying you both still love them and you will both still see them, lay that out first. Well done for standing up to him.

I totally agree with your post.

I think you're doing the right thing following through with a divorce. He firmly believes he's not to blame when it's his destructive behaviour that is alienating you and DS and he's caused great upset to your 10yo's by ranting about a divorce.

Imagine how he'll be when the 10yo's are teens and there's two of them going through the massive development which leads them to be unreasonable 80% of the time both at the same time!

This is really childish. You hubby acting like a spoiled brat not getting his way. Totally unacceptable with the prolonged silent treatment and dragging your 10 yo into it... that’s not on. Sounds like he should be getting therapy or a divorce. Sorry to be blunt but sounds pretty bad. Husband should never ask you to choose between him and your CHILD. child comes first. He’s the child. Probably more going on that tour starting to piece together .... so sorry you’re going through this. But that behaviour needs to stop I would certainly think it was out of order No way would input up with that from my hub.

your 'd'h os also emotionally abusing the 10year olds...wtf is that about telling them he wanst a divorce.... what does that mean to tehm that they are hysterical - that is not a usual reaction..... they sound frightened..
as they should be as they will be next - your DH is /has been bullying you and the ds17 - so now he shouts and ignores him like he does you..why will they be any differeent ? and will probably be worse as there will be 2 of them and he will be older and therefore even less physically powerful...
Seriously think about whetehr he would take any feedback on this...your comment about him kicking off makes it seem unlikely - and you say you have spoken before..... what would make him change do you think? if nothing then only you can change the situation....

It’s very telling that this all started when your DS became a teen. As PPs have said, he began to develop autonomy and your DH, who views him as his property, couldn’t accept that.
Telling me to adapt my behaviour and tone after an ‘argument’ was exactly what my stepmother used to do when my abusive F served up a cocktail of shitty behaviour. They were rarely arguments - often he would just verbally attack me for some imagined misdemeanour and I’d wind up crying, frightened and trying to defend myself. Arguments are based on differences in opinion. Abuse is based on anger.

A friend of my parents did this over the years to his wife/dc. They are all, bar one, on anti depressants. The minute they disagreed with him and developed their own voices/opinions, that was it, he was abusive, a total bully. I do not understand why you say he has been a fantastic father. Refusing to speak to you and sulking for days is disgusting behaviour. He’s an arsehole.