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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It’s all kicking off

137 replies

Morag72 · 05/07/2020 20:35

This is going to be a long one ...

I’ve been married to DH for over 20 years. I am in my mid-40s with three DS (17, and 10 year old twins). We’ve had our relationship ups and downs over the years and my biggest beef is that when we have an argument I get dished the silent treatment which can often last for days. We’re not big communicators. My DH is a fantastic dad to my twin DS. He used to get on well with our oldest DS17, but the past year and a half have been tricky. DS17 gets irritated with his father who has a very traditional view of the father son relationship - where he demands respect and won’t allow his son to raise his voice. DS17 is a generally good kid, very bright and hard working. Likes to spend time with his girlfriend and typical teenager going to parties but nothing too wild. DH had a fairly conservative upbringing and doesn’t understand the need for a serious girlfriend at this age. The other day my DH was asking my son about university choices and the conversation got heated. My son got angry and my DH lost his temper and told my DS he was sick of being disrespected. I spoke to my son afterwards and told him he need to watch his tone when speaking to his father. My DH then ignored my son and hasn’t spoken to him for 2 weeks and he’s been pretty abrupt and barely talking to me. Unfortunately today one of my younger DS was showing my DH something on my phone. DH started looking at WhatsApp messages between me and our DS17 - which included DS being rude about his dad.
DH went mental when he saw the messages and threatened to kick DS17 out of the house. He said some really awful and cruel things to him. Now he’s telling the DS10 he wants a divorce because he wants nothing to do with my or DS17. It’s a mess. The younger ones are crying hysterically because they don’t want us to divorce. I want my marriage to work but I don’t agree with my DH approach to parenting a teenager. I also have had to deal with a DH who gives me the silent treatment and now see him doing the same to DS17 which breaks my heart.

OP posts:
Lottapianos · 06/07/2020 10:19

'I’ve just spoken to him and he’s laying the blame firmly at my feet'

What a surprise Hmm you wont believe how much more peaceful your life will be without this man in your home

HUGE well done for telling him you want a divorce. That took guts. You're standing up for yourself and your children. Do not underestimate the impact the silent treatment will be having on them, and on you. My mother used to do it and it was hideous

vikingwife · 06/07/2020 10:32

I will tell you why he says this about you not having good relationships.

Of course that’s not true - you’re clearly engaging in this WhatsApp secret conversation & he seems like the type to be jealous of your closeness to your 17yr old - instead of working on having actual positive relationships with his children, he seems the type to storm around demanding respect without showing it. He seems to not give a toss about your kids’ feelings - only how HE feels.

Even if you were at fault & deserved blame - this still does not excuse him telling your younger children he wants a divorce in an emotional scene - and to top it off blame their sibling for the split.

Silent treatment? Off you pop then, mate...

tarasmalatarocks · 06/07/2020 10:47

Is your son being realistic here 100k maybe for US and no grants etc , it’s incredibly expensive . My H too would probably have got prickly and said ‘who are you planning on funding this’. Saying stuff like I want a divorce is very off behaviour, at as is not speaking, however I don’t think just agreeing and going along with teenagers for a quiet life does them any favours longer term and if your H supports your son in any way financially then he really should think about being rude about him on WhatsApp,

tarasmalatarocks · 06/07/2020 10:52

Ah I’ve read your update. Fair enough, I think this isn’t an incident, it’s one of many, however I would urge you to be prepared not to always go along with your son if he starts with huge expectations - that way lies madness- been there

DishingOutDone · 06/07/2020 11:33

Op, just wanted to warn you of this - a few years ago when my DD's were late primary school/early secondary, my H walked out. He made a massive deal of saying goodbye to the DCs and made them cry. The drama was all he was interested in.

I took their reaction into account when letting him come back. Kids always want you to make it "ok" for them, its entirely natural. But since then they have consistently said they wish we would split up, and at the same time said that I need to make sure he is "ok". As adults we know that isn't really possible. Your children just want it all to stop, whatever "it" is - imagine in 10 years time if you said to them well I stayed with this twat as you cried a lot. So its your fault.

You've done a great job so far, you have told him you want a divorce. Now maybe talk to the DCs saying you both still love them and you will both still see them, lay that out first. Well done for standing up to him.

Original poster
Morag72 · 06/07/2020 11:59

So my DH17 was born in the US. My DH wanted him to try for a good US university. The argument was over which ones he should apply for not whether he should go to the US. But yes there is an element of “I’m paying for your education - so how dare you be rude to me” ... which is my I’ve told my DS17 to apologise to his Dad. DS17 refuses because of the way he gets treated - and I sympathise with that too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morag72 · 06/07/2020 12:03

Ultimately my DH feels ignored by DS17 who constantly comes to me for advise and support as he feels his dad is too negative and judgemental. Sorry - I feel like I’m drip feeding here. My DS17 has teenage strops regularly but I just walk away and then have a serious chat with him once he’s calmed down. My DH can’t handle the teenage attitude and then just shuts him down.

OP posts:
pointythings · 06/07/2020 12:20

So he's really crap at teenagers. The solution to that is to work at being better at teenagers. My late H was exactly the same - other factors (there were many) aside, he was also really, really crap at teenagers. As soon as DDs stopped being cute compliant little girls, he was useless. Was your DH brought up in a really strict, old-fashioned way? Mine was and it really didn't help.

He has to adapt or he has to go - I'm leaning heavily towards go.

Heyhih3 · 06/07/2020 12:29

@tarasmalatarocks

Is your son being realistic here 100k maybe for US and no grants etc , it’s incredibly expensive . My H too would probably have got prickly and said ‘who are you planning on funding this’. Saying stuff like I want a divorce is very off behaviour, at as is not speaking, however I don’t think just agreeing and going along with teenagers for a quiet life does them any favours longer term and if your H supports your son in any way financially then he really should think about being rude about him on WhatsApp,
We all vent. Teenage years are hard. I find the main reason that teens clash with their parents is that transition stage of still being a young person and your parent not always getting the correct balance right. The dad invaded OPs privacy of going through her phone and Read private messages too. This is out of line and controlling.
ravenmum · 06/07/2020 12:43

Agree with others that the twins are crying because their father is making this into a huge drama. He sounds like he's poisoning the atmosphere at home? Divorce is very common, not the end of the world. Blaming divorce on a child is not an adult thing to do at all. Whether or not you plan to divorce now, I'd point that out to the boys.

Your DH does not deserve any respect, the way he's acting.

BeanbagMcTavish · 06/07/2020 12:53

What an absolute drama queen cunt he is to be deliberately making his kids unhappy like this. Would it kill him to behave like an adult?

The sooner he is out the better; he will poison the atmosphere for everyone otherwise.

GilbertMarkham · 06/07/2020 13:11

Not loyal .. translates as "won't back me up even if I'm wrong", right?

GilbertMarkham · 06/07/2020 13:13

The joke is that you weren't even being "disloyal" or critical of him in your Comms with your son, as I understand it you were trying to a peace maker.

I'd he saying you're not even allowed to.communicate with your own son about issues he raises with you.

TheGroak · 06/07/2020 13:21

FWIW OP I think you’re doing the right thing. He very much sounds like my own Dad. He’s a bully. If my Mum had left him when we were still young it would’ve been a blessing. Your younger DS will move on and get used to the idea eventually but you may lose your older DS forever if you don’t act.

Good luck Flowers

Coyoacan · 06/07/2020 13:23

It looks like your son is going to have to kowtow to his father because his father holds the purse strings.

If I were your son, I would find my own way of financing my university studies, because otherwise this is just a lesson in sucking up to someone he can get a benefit from.

3rdNamechange · 06/07/2020 14:06

I know others have said this but , a fantastic Dad doesn't upset his children or ignore them and their mother.
The atmosphere in your house must be hideous. Silent treatment is a form of abuse.
You sound great OP , you'd manage alone and he can see the children and be a 'fantastic Dad' away from you.

Zaphodsotherhead · 06/07/2020 14:08

Your DH has HUGE control issues. He's losing control of your 17YO. So now he's going to double down on the 10 yos because he won't want to be losing control of them as they get older. At present I imagine they are still quite biddable, but give it another couple of years and he will have them bowing down before him because he won't want them 'turning out like your brother...'

Do you want this? I'd guess not. Your DH needs to leave, get help for his control issues and probably never return.

GilbertMarkham · 06/07/2020 14:27

So he's really crap at teenagers. The solution to that is to work at being better at teenagers. My late H was exactly the same - other factors (there were many) aside, he was also really, really crap at teenagers. As soon as DDs stopped being cute compliant little girls, he was useless.

Apparently he's really crap with non teenagers too - cause he left two of them crying, destabilised and upset by maliciously telling them he's divorcing their mother (without any discussion with said mother).

GilbertMarkham · 06/07/2020 14:31

Rather ironic that he's so demanding of "respect" while he acts with none towards other members of the household, including huffing/sulking/putting people into coventry like a child for extended periods, terrorising them with threats of breaking up their family etc.

He doesn't want respect, he wants deference, control, total authority.

Dery · 06/07/2020 14:31

Well done, OP. That took huge guts.

His comment about loyalty is again just part of his abusive control of the family. As PP have said: what he means by that is that you should agree with him because he is your H and irrespective of whether he's right or wrong (of course, in his view, he would always be right).

GilbertMarkham · 06/07/2020 14:33

Oh and i forgot the "anger" issues; lack.of control over himself and indulgence in temper .. but he wants total respect (deference).

popsydoodle4444 · 06/07/2020 14:45

I'm sorry @Morag72 but there's a lot of red flags for abuse here.

Reading between the lines of your post here your DH is displaying manipulative&controlling behaviour towards you and your children.He's doing a lot of something called stonewalling to try and manipulate you and your 17 year old into being subservient.

There's also emotional abuse going on here too towards you and all 3 of your children.Your DH's problem with your 17 year isn't that he isn't showing respect but rather that he recognises his fathers behaviour isn't right and dares to stand up for himself.

What are you getting out of this relationship?

Dollyrocket · 06/07/2020 14:46

Divorce is really the only answer to get away from this horrible, horrible man.

MushyPeasAreTheDevilsFood · 06/07/2020 14:58

My DH can’t handle the teenage attitude and then just shuts him down.
It sounds like he can’t handle someone with an opinion.

popsydoodle4444 · 06/07/2020 15:07

@Morag72

Just to add here;last night my friend called me last night for a catch up;she's in her early forties and is divorcing her husband after 25 years together.We were talking about her split with her hubby and how lots of her friends and his family don't seem to get it.

I told her about a conversation with my friend who's also in her forties and now divorced.I met her at a parent and toddler group 16 years ago.Lots of our friends from the group have separated and divorced in their mid thirties to mid forties from partners they've been with for years and years.We were making a joke about the last men or in this case mums standing from the group who are still actually married.

My friend came out with the following "the thing is,a lot of us and have got to a certain age;looked at our relationships with the kids dad and recognised they are in fact shit and have now spent a chunk of our lives in a unhealthy relationship and have decided we don't want to spend the rest of our lives like that".

I think that's some pretty sage advice there from my friend.My seperated/divorced friends are all now at different stages in their post "end of long significant relationship" journeys but a good chunk of them are now happy in new relationships with different standards;a couple of them are even now remarried too.

You deserve better.