It’s all kicking off

[Morag72]

This is going to be a long one ...

I’ve been married to DH for over 20 years. I am in my mid-40s with three DS (17, and 10 year old twins). We’ve had our relationship ups and downs over the years and my biggest beef is that when we have an argument I get dished the silent treatment which can often last for days. We’re not big communicators. My DH is a fantastic dad to my twin DS. He used to get on well with our oldest DS17, but the past year and a half have been tricky. DS17 gets irritated with his father who has a very traditional view of the father son relationship - where he demands respect and won’t allow his son to raise his voice. DS17 is a generally good kid, very bright and hard working. Likes to spend time with his girlfriend and typical teenager going to parties but nothing too wild. DH had a fairly conservative upbringing and doesn’t understand the need for a serious girlfriend at this age. The other day my DH was asking my son about university choices and the conversation got heated. My son got angry and my DH lost his temper and told my DS he was sick of being disrespected. I spoke to my son afterwards and told him he need to watch his tone when speaking to his father. My DH then ignored my son and hasn’t spoken to him for 2 weeks and he’s been pretty abrupt and barely talking to me. Unfortunately today one of my younger DS was showing my DH something on my phone. DH started looking at WhatsApp messages between me and our DS17 - which included DS being rude about his dad.
DH went mental when he saw the messages and threatened to kick DS17 out of the house. He said some really awful and cruel things to him. Now he’s telling the DS10 he wants a divorce because he wants nothing to do with my or DS17. It’s a mess. The younger ones are crying hysterically because they don’t want us to divorce. I want my marriage to work but I don’t agree with my DH approach to parenting a teenager. I also have had to deal with a DH who gives me the silent treatment and now see him doing the same to DS17 which breaks my heart.

Your poor son, 17 is still such a formative age, your 'D' H is being a sh*t and what a nasty thing to involve the other kids. I would grant him his desire of a divorce and make sure your son knows that you would love and protect him in the face of adversity. I fear if you don't you will lose your son as why would he chose to come home in the future? As many people here have said, their relationships with similar dynamics have never recovered. You can keep a solid relationship built on love, trust and happiness with all of your sons. What happens to your husband is in his hands, he'll reap what he sows. Hopefully he'll soon be living on his own and he can have as much silence as he likes!

Your DH has told your DS10 that he wants a divorce...really? He demands respect and gives them silent treatment when he doesnt get it. He sounds awful....I cant believe he has told a ten yr he wants a divorce...doesnt he understand the distress he is causing?

Why are you telling your DC17 to apologise? its your DH who is the adult and hasnt spoken to his son for two weeks. Lead by example?

I can't believe someone could go two weeks without speaking to their child. That seems very cruel to your son.

He sulks and gives the silent treatment, demands respect whilst obviously inspiring none. And now he's crashing about saying he wants a divorce.

Call his bluff.

Tell him you've realised that now he's abusing your DS17 in the same way he's abused you for years, you must protect your children from him and not allow him to eventually move on to the younger boys - you simply will not allow him to mess with your children's mental health.

And tell him he deserves NO respect. (Frankly, anyone who "demand respect" deserves none. And they know it, hence the demands.)

Seriously? The silent treatment? No wonder your son doesn't respect his father. I wouldn't respect mine if he was acting more childish than me 🙄 maybe if he wants respect he should act like an adult.

Drop him like a sack of spuds from the 10th floor.

What an emotionally manipulative man.

Also OP, traditional doesn't mean abusive, I think you're getting confused. If your idea of traditional does mean abusive or the same behaviours your husband is displaying then I would strongly recommend some therapy to help you process why you feel the way you do.

As you have the means, please plan to leave. But properly. Not a 'warning shot' where you get back together the minute your son leaves for university.

*I feel sorry for your son

If your son has any sense, he’ll move out for university and never look back! The way you both treat him now will end up in him cutting you both off.*

This, your husband is a bully and has been abusing the lot of you for years and getting away with it. He will not change but don't be surprised if none of your children will want anything to do with your husband or yourself once they grow up and leave.

He's already showing how he's emotionally abusing the 10 year olds not just your 17 year old.

This resonates with a similar experience I had with my Ex, We were together 28 years but he couldnt deal with teens. He ended up kicking our eldest DS who was 16 at the time out for borrowing his trainers. Which was the last straw. There were other issues but all stemmed from his irrational outbursts at the 3 DC. We split up and my DD who also suffered from his anger ended up taking out a restraining order on her dad and wont have anything to do with him still ( 7 years on) In contrast he was a loving father until they turned into teenagers, I do wonder if its partly because his own parents both died when he was in his teens, but at the end of the day he crossed a line. I hope your situation improves and it is resolved but from my own experience these things escalate.

I was 47 when I split with my Ex so similar age to you and life got so much better when he was out of the picture.

He's not a brilliant dad if he's telling your 10 year old he wants to divorce you. He'll also treat them the same way when they're teenagers and trying to develop some autonomy from him. Why are you letting him do this?

I think you need to get a divorce. Unless you can learn to speak up and put your husband in his place. Why is your husband going through your phone? Secondly how dare him go through a private conversation between your Son totally out of line. Your husband wants respect where is his for OTHERS.

My mother used to do the silent treatment and kept it up for three days once when I was a stroppy teenager, it is horrible.

This is not a defense of people that give the silent treatment, but just a matter of interest, she grew up in a small house with her parents and three brothers and they were never allowed to show any
anger. She got a stomach ulcer instead.

Your husband is abusive (withdrawing/ignoring is abusive in this context) towards you, and now your son. And while he is doing this to your son, he's also ignoring you. You are being punished, op. You are being punished because of your son. You are not good enough to talk to, and now neither is your son.

You "have a word" with your son about his behavior, telling him to watch his tone (in order to placate your dh, and hope that your dh doesn't take his mood out on all of you) therefore asking him to walk on eggshells around his father., like you do.

Your dh meanwhile brings an innocent kid into this, speaking badly about you and his brother. Again, abusive.

It also says a lot that your dh cannot handle his almost adult son losing his temper without becoming heated himself, and taking it out on all of you.

I am not blaming you. I live with it (and more) too (although my dh doesn't ignore my kids yet), and I am making plans to leave, because no one deserves this.

Unfortunately many people don't see ignoring and withdrawing in this context as abuse, but it is.

@user187428496

Why have you been allowing your husband to abuse your child?

Let's not blame the op. Only one person here to blame. The op may not even realize this is abuse.

My stepdad was like this with me. He expected deference and ‘respect’ and sulked like an immature manchild if he didn’t like our behaviour. I wish my mum had received the advice you have on here and put her foot down/got rid of him but she was pretty worn down after years of his silent treatment herself.
Young adults will start to view their parents behaviour more critically as they grow up and mature. Part of being a parent is supporting your child to be their own independent being and your husband is failing to do this by being dictatorial.

How is he going to cope when his TWINS hit teenagers? He have two to contend with.

I am not surprised your oldest is trying get away from his family by moving to the US. Says everything doesn't it.

This thread an reminder to women who stay in unhealthy relationships...your kids will grow up and they will disentangle from you.

The silent treatment is abusive behaviour. If he wants a divorce then take him at his word, he's a knob.

Go see a solicitor, get the process going, and then cheerfully tell your prick of a husband that he'll be getting the divorce he wants. Haven't you wasted enough of your life with this abusive arsehole?

Your 17 year old sounds more mature than your DH.

Anyone who demands respect generally doesn't deserve it. It needs to be earned.

Sounds like he’s having a terrible effect on the atmosphere within the house. I wouldn’t want my kids growing up living with someone like him.
I hope you put the children first and tell him to go.

To be honest, @Morag72 there doesn't seem to be much of a marriage to save. The treatment of your husband to you is pretty bad and worse to his children. The way, in particular, he behaved with your younger children is awful and not the way a "fantastic dad" behaves. There must be so much tension in your/their home.

Perhaps you should consider taking steps to see about, at the very least, separating from him. Look for another job, ensure your savings aren't accessible by him as you may need them if/when you split and check out benefits you might get if you separated. www.entitledto.co.uk or www.turn2us.org.uk. Maybe also discretely speak with a solicitor about what your options might be.

You are not bound to act on your findings but knowing your options is a step in the right direction.

His behaviour seems a bit like he is bullying your son. It’s his choice where he goes to uni He seems like a good kid it’s a shame his dad can’t recognise that In your popsition I would have to support my son I think and make a stand against all this silent treatment it will probably get even worse when the other 2 are older. I think you should separate and see if he is willing to work at things or not. I can’t see this being a happy family in the future if he won’t realise his attitude is unnaceptable you would be better off without him if he won’t change

I spoke to my son afterwards and told him he need to watch his tone when speaking to his father

That was wrong. You're telling him to accept abuse and to walk on eggshells around the abuser.

What a horrible man you are married to OP. Demanding respect, emotionally abusing every single one of you. Lovely.

When I was growing up, my father beat my brother. And when I say beat, I mean beat. I was a girl however so his preference for me was the silent treatment. I’ve never forgotten it. Honestly, at least if he had beat me I would have felt a tiny bit worthwhile. To be able to completely ignore me made me feel like I didn’t exist.

As a result once I became an adult and started romantic relationships, I couldn’t cope with any sort of arguments for fear I would be given the silent treatment, couldn’t give partners space when they wanted it because I needed to check they were still actually talking to me and basically did everything I could to make them happy and put up with any poor treatment.

Really OP, this type of man deserves no respect, no wonder he tries to demand it.