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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

929 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 03/07/2020 15:34

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading .Sad started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

OP posts:
bananamuncher · 04/07/2020 07:31

Hi OP. I just wanted to offer my support. Almost two years ago I left my drunk and seething husband with a child and a dog at midnight in the rain. I know how hard it is but it will be the most important leap for you and your children.

Even the worst of them can hold it together long enough to get you to stay and doubt yourself.

As an aside look up trauma bonding for an insight into some of the emotions you may experience. Flowers

BedknobsNoBroomsticks · 04/07/2020 07:52

Do not tell him where you are going. Tell him to contact you by phone or email to arrange to see the children.

rainbowstardrops · 04/07/2020 08:16

I've only just found this second thread after following the first one and I must admit, I was sitting here thinking he's actually turning his life around and he's realised how stupid etc he's been but then he goes out to buy wine! That show didn't last long did it?!!!

Well at least you can be absolutely 100% sure you're doing the right thing now.
He's a fool .

CupoTeap · 04/07/2020 08:19

You can do this. You are doing the right thing. Nothing he does or doesn't do matters. You are in charge of your life now.

Sicario · 04/07/2020 08:22

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme - Just wanted to check in with you to wish you a peaceful weekend. You're doing great. Hang on in there.

You knew that the not-drinking wouldn't last. I am so glad that you are getting out before he goes to court. My ex was banned for 18 months and took it out on me like it was my fault. I also had to pay his fine. I can't believe how stupid I was.

He was totally incapable of taking responsibility for his own actions and blamed everybody else for all his problems.

I am filled with admiration for your clear thinking and positive action. Keep your head down. Just a few more days. You've so got this.

Takingontheworld · 04/07/2020 08:29

Keep going OP. You've come so far. If he is truly ready to change he will continue without you and prove it. He isn't your responsibility. You can do this 💐

EmbarrassedUser · 04/07/2020 08:33

Go for it @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme When I was considering moving out from the ex, I looked at loads of flats and always chickened out. This took a year before I did it. It was the same with the divorce but I still remember exactly when I submitted the initially request online, Good Friday 2008, and it felt so freeing. I married my second husband in 2017 and we love each other so much. It’s fantastic. There’s a new life out there just waiting for you. 🥰💕💕

Iwantacookie · 04/07/2020 08:46

OP I remember your first post I'm sorry it has come to this but only a few more days and you can be free.
The weight that's lifted off your shoulders will be huge. Good luck.

SixesAndEights · 04/07/2020 08:51

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme

Hi everyone x after a long discussion about how six weeks of abstinence proves he is not dependant and was like lockdown that now, like lockdown , he can have a controlled lifting. And has just gone to get wine Sad I know how this goes - it doesn't change anything but he has.no idea Sad cannot bloody believe it. Well, I can obviously . Got to go x
I'm really glad this has happened. It shows he can't abstain, and also it happened before you left when he has no idea of you leaving, so he can't blame his returning to drinking on you and you leaving him. You may have felt guilty if that had happened.

I remember your other thread and am so pleased that you've got everything set up for next week - good luck! Flowers

Karwomannghia · 04/07/2020 08:57

Good luck with it, you’re doing the right thing and he’s shown he can’t be trusted yet again.

forrestgreen · 04/07/2020 09:44

He's done you a favour, he can't blame breaking his sobriety on you leaving.

Floralnomad · 04/07/2020 09:57

Well there you go he’s already starting to drink and that can’t be blamed on anyone except him

kshaw · 04/07/2020 10:02

I've separated from my husband due to EA with the hope it was temporary but he keeps doing repeated behaviour which keeps confirming I'm in the right...it's almost a relief he keeps doing it. I bet it feels the same for you but with a bottle of wine. Best of luck to you xxx

harriethoyle · 04/07/2020 10:11

Awww OP, I followed your first thread. Everything crossed for you - agree with PP that you can go Friday or Saturday if Thurs is more dangerous. Hope dog and children ok too Flowers

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 04/07/2020 10:12

Good luck Flowers

Don’t let on you are leaving this close to the day.

ponygirlcurtis · 04/07/2020 10:14

Oh OP, I am sorry. My post from yesterday evening talking about my ex who gave up for 5 months then consciously decided to start again looks horribly prophetic now. 5 months or 6 weeks, the deluded rationalising of 'I have proved I can do it, so there's no need for me to carry on doing it' comes from the same place.

For what it's worth, the 5 months' abstinence came 8.5 months after he was arrested (and banned), and during this time he had many cycles of giving up, drinking a little, drinking a lot. I bent over backwards to help him, none of it made a difference - we even had to move home, which I used my savings for, because he couldn't get to work without a car. I am glad you have sorted somewhere else to go. You can't change him, you can only do what you need to in order to keep you and your DC safe. Flowers

CrotchetyQuaver · 04/07/2020 10:15

As above - by breaking his sobriety from his own choice, there's no need to feel bad about leaving on Thursday. Good luck.

ponygirlcurtis · 04/07/2020 10:22

@Sicario I had to pay my ex's fine too, out of my savings (I was on maternity leave at the time), nearly bloody £500. [anger] If I hadn't, he would have just got his mum to pay. Total lack of facing up to his own responsibilities.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 04/07/2020 10:23

Morning everyone XXX thank you for the posts - the support really is helping me right now x the personal stories from people a bit further down the line saying it will be ok , the grown up children with their perspective from the past , the rationale behind why I feel so mixed up - it all makes sense and keeps me focussed. Last night was ok , of course he relaxed , toyed with the idea of buying some coke , it was literally like the last 6 weeks hadn't happened. No idea what made him cave - he has absolutely no idea what is coming. None at all - which means I am a surprisingly good actress - not sure how I feel about that- and he is free to make his own choices independently of me. Nothing has changed my plans , nothing he has or hadn't done had changed that ; but it has clarified things more , and like PP have said , it clears most of the doubt. A PP said about the conditioning to be reactive - that is so so true. Now I can see it , I can see it if you know what I mean? I get that familiar sad destroying guilty feeling and then I tell myself what is really happening. I have a better understanding definitely. Thank you - your support helps me in many many ways .
The timing is deliberate because it's our anniversary Friday and mil birthday then the following weds it's youngest dS birthday . I wanted to wait til after that was all over initially , but then the thought of going through an anniversary , family get together etc felt too much and retrospective ly would be harsh. I am only just holding it together and counting the days at the moment. So it has to be Thursday ☹️

OP posts:
Cherrybakewellard · 04/07/2020 10:23

He's put the bail in the coffin of your relationship for you OP. Don't feel bad, you're doing the right thing for sure.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 04/07/2020 10:27

@Sicario @ponygirlcurtis - wow the similarity between the behaviours is striking ! It really is all about responsibility isn't it ? I have no respect left - the lack of respect and all the crap over the years , nipplegate, giving up work , gambling , coke , drinking etc etc I just can't get the respect back and that's enough now. I love my children but I cannot live with him anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 04/07/2020 10:29

I wish I could reply to you all and thank u individual ly but I have now been in bathroom ages ! But @kshaw good luck to you too xx we can do this xxBrew

OP posts:
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 04/07/2020 10:41

Actually , was just thinking - the way it came about I could see it coming . He was cooking dinner and said he felt it was really boring being Friday , having a curry and no beer . Then after DCs were in bed he discussed the similarity with lockdown , other people's attitude to alcohol and how he wouldn't go back . Then he did ask if it was ok to have a glass or wine or two together. I remember flashing everything everyone had said to me about it's not my responsibility to stop him drinking - it has to be his. So I said this to him in as many words -well I said it's up to you m what do you think ? And that is when he went. Did I set him up for that ,from his perspective ? Just checking x

OP posts:
tracyon · 04/07/2020 10:46

Nope. Managed it all by himself!! Let’s see what tonight brings..

RandomMess · 04/07/2020 10:47

No you didn't set him up, you reminded him that it is his choice and responsibility for him drinking. You stopped him dumping that responsibility on him.

FFS he was toying with getting coke again. I hope you are very glad that you are leaving so soo n.