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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

929 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 03/07/2020 15:34

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading .Sad started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/07/2020 22:51

I hope any guilt or doubt has evaporated!

Yep still addicted, still no intention of giving up...

Hormonecrazyhell · 03/07/2020 22:54

I’m so glad he’s cracked b4 Thursday, it will make leaving so much easier for you. You can leave with the knowledge he will 100% never change, the tiny amount of doubt that this time he could be changed for good is gone.

iknowimcoming · 03/07/2020 22:55

Well that eliminates any doubt that you are doing the right thing doesn't it, I'm sorry tho, but glad you've only 6 days left till you're free of that crap. Good luck honey Thanks

Sexnotgender · 03/07/2020 22:55

He won't change. You know you're doing the right thing.

Lockdownsucks · 03/07/2020 22:57

💐

CodenameVillanelle · 03/07/2020 23:01

Well at least that reassures you that you're doing the right thing. He's dependent and not interested in doing the work to change.
My ex could be abstinent for 2-3 months. He'd always have a new lease of life and be full of energy and plans and every time I'd get suckered into believing that he would see how much better life was when he didn't drink and EVERY TIME he would creep back towards it. A glass or two here then a bottle then it was back on the spirits...still doing it 20 years after I met him.
You won't regret this.

MitziK · 03/07/2020 23:05

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme

Hi everyone x after a long discussion about how six weeks of abstinence proves he is not dependant and was like lockdown that now, like lockdown , he can have a controlled lifting. And has just gone to get wine Sad I know how this goes - it doesn't change anything but he has.no idea Sad cannot bloody believe it. Well, I can obviously . Got to go x
Ugh.

That skin crawling feeling you had was you knowing he was lying to you yet again.

He's been planning this - every single moment he was nice, every moment he did something he should, said please, thank you, played with the kids or the dog - it was to stack up enough points for you to agree to him drinking again.

In a way, it's a good thing, as it makes you have a ready made reason/he's proven you need to leave. And chances are he'll be snoring at some point so you can leave unnoticed.

Take all keys to all vehicles with you, though.

Riv · 03/07/2020 23:20

Hope you are OK and keeping safe @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme. Sending extra strength and positive thoughts and FlowersFlowersFlowers

sangrias · 03/07/2020 23:23

What are your ideas for getting him / yourself out the house on Thursday?

Weenurse · 03/07/2020 23:30

You are doing the right thing.

BumbleBeee69 · 03/07/2020 23:36

he's full of shit.... you leave with a clear conscience OP. Flowers

Tavimama · 03/07/2020 23:37

Been following from your first post and am now feeling so upset for you that what we all knew would happen actually has happened.

Just proof that what you are doing is absolutely the best thing for you, your babies and, of course, your wee dog Flowers and a hand hold

Defenbaker · 03/07/2020 23:48

Following with interest, and keeping everything crossed for you OP.

It must be hard as he's finally making the effort to stay sober, which is bound to make you question yourself. In some ways the leaving would be much easier if he'd already fallen off the wagon again, but I think you need to follow through with your plans, for your own sake and the future of your children.

No doubt he will go on a downward spiral and use your leaving as the excuse to play the victim and guilt trip you as much as possible. I would think about leaving him a carefully worded letter, including something along the lines of:

"I know you've been trying really hard to stay off drink and drugs, and you are trying to make a new start, but weighing that up against the years of previous drinking/[insert any relevant bad behaviour here] that you've put me and the children through, and all the previous times you've tried and failed to turn over a new leaf, I'm not willing to invest any more years in this marriage. I really hope you manage to beat your addictions, but I believe you need professional help to do it, rather than me enabling you to continue your drinking/drug taking lifestyle. I hope that in time we can be friends, and co parent our children, but for the sake of my own health I can no longer endure living with an alcoholic."

I'm sure my words are far from perfect, but I'm trying to find words that might give your STBexDH a small glimmer of hope that you would be willing to be a supportive friend from a distance if he turned over a new leaf, rather than the message that you have completely hardened your heart towards him. (Although maybe you will have to do that, in time, to survive all this. Only you know that.) I'll be rooting for you and waiting for your update next week... maybe next Friday you will post from your new home.

MamaFirst · 03/07/2020 23:48

Six weeks dry then he goes back to it just like that. You are making the right decision, him drinking again just reinforces that.
Tbh it's probably good for yours/your children's head in the long run, that he can't turn around on Thursday and 'blame' you for him restarting drinking; he's done it all on his own.

Defenbaker · 03/07/2020 23:55

Oh, I took so long over my rambling post that I missed your update telling us that he'd gone out to get wine! Well, the fact that he's fallen off the wagon before Thursday must make you doubly sure that you are absolutely doing the right thing, OP. I wouldn't normally be pleased to hear about an alcoholic relapsing, but he was bound to do it at some point and this means you can leave without being guilt tripped by him playing the helpless victim/martyr to sobriety card that he would no doubt have played otherwise. Keep your powder dry, OP, you've got this.

Jokie · 04/07/2020 03:24

If there was ever a confirmation that he's not changed. How would he get the wine? Walking? Or is he planning on stopping off for drugs too? I'd be half tempted to call the police if he disappears this weekend and tell them he's out and probably drunk/high

ReefTeeth · 04/07/2020 03:34

OP stay strong!

I remember your first thread.

You and your DC are worth more than this.

c1JSU · 04/07/2020 03:40

The best of luck to you op. Please update us. I am doing exactly the same but cannot leave until September as I’m going to a new buildi property which isn’t ready. I can’t wait.

Happynow001 · 04/07/2020 03:54

Hang on in there OP. Not long to go now until you and your children to have a calmer, more stable life.

BlackSwan · 04/07/2020 03:55

It is disappointing that it has all been a show: when it comes down to it booze is more important. But it also goes to show you’re doing the more rational responsible thing for you and your kids, so don’t waver. Continue being strong. I’m glad you have good support around you. I bet you thrive without him round your neck.

Mycatismadeofstringcheese · 04/07/2020 06:17

I think it’s almost a blessing that you picking up the keys was delayed a few days until next week. Now it’s proved that even though things were “ok” he still will go back to drink.

You can move out next week with a clear conscience that he has a chance to prove he meant it and blew it in six weeks.

I’m sure the next few days are. It going to be easy, but hang on in there.

nubeejinnings · 04/07/2020 06:27

Well if nothing else whatever niggling doubts you had if he's gone to get alcohol it's the final nail in the coffin. Good luck for Thursday, how are you planning to leave if he's in the house, or can you ask him to go to Asda?

chatterbugmegastar · 04/07/2020 06:30

You're doing so well OP Thanks

HollyBollyBooBoo · 04/07/2020 06:46

You're incredibly brave Op. So pleased you have amazing people in your life who have helped make this possible. Good luck!

ThickFast · 04/07/2020 07:06

How was last night after the wine? He really doesn’t get it.