Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading . started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

Hand holding OP! Well done on making your decision.
Just remember you can’t control his reaction or emotions, only your own. You are stronger than you think.
A new life awaits you. Imagine how wonderful you will feel when you get into your new home and close the door behind you. Freedom and peace. You can’t put a price on that.

Good luck OP, I remember the drink drive AWOL thread well, had no idea you were still posting but it sounds like you are doing the right thing and have loads of support out there which is fab.

I hope the next few days pass quickly - can you send him off shopping for a few hours?

Any ideas on how you are going to get him out for those crucial couple of hours on Thursday OP?

I helped my friend do this with her two young children . We spent weeks smuggling things out of her house and into our spare rooms, under the guise of tidying up and taking things to the charity shop.

Then on the day we all descended on her house when he was at work and took as much as we could for her.

She had to go into a refuge hundreds of miles away because he was violent. They helped her get a housing association house and then we hired a van and took all her belongings to her.

She is really happy now and has never regretted anything , except how long she stayed.

These last few days are bound to be tough on you. It's scary moving from what you know to and being unsure of what the new "normal will be.

Just think of those awful days that lead up to the final straw... the tension you feel now not knowing how long his change will last... how you felt when you finally made up your mind to leave, the way you will feel when you don't have to massage his ego and tiptoe around in case you or the children trigger him into drinking again.
The way you have written about his change in your op sounds as if he's acting out the perfect sober life almost a "look at me, see how well I can do it, I am so brilliant keeping off the drink. aren't I clever". Making his transformation the centre of attention and ignoring the problems he created. You know in your heart he can't keep that up. It may all calm down and he does keep dry and move on with his life. You can't afford to give him any more of your life whilst he does that.
Good luck. You are amazing, you can do it, just a few more days.

Best of luck OP. Normal to be anxious, you're doing the right thing.
Even if he has genuinely turned over a new leaf/is trying his utmost, you're still not obliged to stay with him! When people behave badly for a long time it kills a relationship.
Stay safe and strong and enjoy your new life and home!
It's great you've had good support!

Based on what you’ve said, you’re doing the right thing OP!

@PAND0RA

Well that’s great that he’s now become the perfect husband. And once you have left I’m sure he will continue to work hard on himself to become a better person and father. And he will understand why you had to leave and he will be able to see things from your point of view and not just his own.

How he behaves in the weeks and months after you leave will show you if this is a real and genuine about turn on his part. Or whether it’s an act to keep you in your place.

I hope for the sake of your children that he totally turns his life around and becomes the father they deserve. And it will make it easier for you and him to co- parent after the separation / divorce.

Keep re reading this

It’s ok to leave. You aren’t his emotional support animal.

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme As the adult child of an alcoholic (now sober) I promise you’re doing the right thing. My mum was so sympathetic to my dad’s depression and struggles that she allowed them to totally dominate our childhood.

She left when I was 22 and we all wish she’d gone sooner. Instead she tried to reason with him, had joint counselling, threatened to leave etc for years. When she finally went he spiralled for about 6 months and it was ugly. Then he went to rehab, joined AA and is now 15 years sober. She is remarried and happy but regrets the damage done to us kids and the years wasted.

I was on your other thread - fellow survivor of an alcoholic husband.

PAND0RA has it in a nutshell. This is where you find out whether he is serious about changing - if you backtrack now, you will never know and you will always be waiting for the next setback, and that's unbearable. You're moving out but that doesn't mean your future is set in stone - you are just making sure that it contains healthy options for you and your DC.

Hang in there, we have your back.

If you need a mantra, 'Too little, too late.'
This amazing 'proof' that he can be a sober loving husband and parent should have always been there.
I can't recall how many years you stuck by him. Think of a balance scale. On one side is years, on the other is 6 weeks.
You KNOW you are doing the right thing for yourself and your dc.
This new found decent, normal, reasonable behaviour is ONLY because the police pulled him up on it.

Feel no guilt about him. Look at your dc knowing you are doing your very best for them, and you.

Good luck up

You don't have to actually leave on Thursday though, do you? The house is there waiting for you so if it was Friday or the weekend, that wouldn't matter.

Just sending well wishes and strength OP, you know deep down that if you don't go this time this cycle will repeat again and you will have all this planning and organising to do all over again in a few weeks or months.

And even if he never drinks again, how long until you can trust that? How long until that horrible walking on eggshells feeling completely goes? I'm not sure either of those things will ever happen, the damage is done (by him) and it seems utterly wrong to me that you should have to live with it any longer.

I will be thinking about you next week and willing you on, keep your chin up and your resolve strong, we'll be here if you falter

To get him out of the house Thursday - an idea.

Our local tip make you book a half hour slot online now due to covid restrictions. Rules are you can only visit alone, one trip a week, must arrive in your half hour slot etc.

Book a slot, find something that needs to go (clear out toys/garage) and then ask him to take it

I remember your thread too OP. You're showing incredible strength here

And everything willowmelangell said, another great post for you to reread to keep you strong.

That's a brilliant idea youhave4substitutes

I’ve nothing useful to add @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme except well done , your children will thank you for this in the future . Good luck for the move .

I think I remember your thread, good luck you are doing the right thing.

People don't change. He might be pretending to be the perfect husband now but that won't last forever.

Best of luck. Stay safe 💐

It will be much much worse for the children to live in a toxic household. You will all be fine, just give it time to settle. Leave him a letter assuring him you will never stop him seeing the children as long as he is sober.
You are strong enough

Agree, it doesn't have to be Thursday, could be Friday or Saturday when it's safe for you to go.

Good luck OP. Stay safe.