Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading . started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

Am sure the PP asking about how you planned to get him out of the house was asking in good faith @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme but please don't post on here your plans. No doubt you'll be keeping your access to IT/mumsnet etc safe and secure, but I'd be uber cautious.

OP, my ex managed 5 months dry, after similarly going AWOL, having been arrested for drink driving (in my car ). It became a stick to beat me with - look, I stopped drinking easily, I am not an alcoholic, all our problems are therefore your fault. Then it became - I am obviously not an alcoholic so I don't need to abstain any more. He didn't slip up so much as very consciously chose to start drinking again. I left with DS six weeks later. Twelve years on (and a further drink driving charge under his belt) his drinking is still proving a problem and DS has had periods of refusing to see him because of it. I support DS and feel very relieved I don't have to live with it any more. Not my circus any more.

I remember your thread too. Well done and I hope it all goes well. Don't forget doggy's toys !

I read your previous thread. My mum left my dad when we were children. He was abusive and the relationship was so toxic. The moment he left, we kids relaxed instantly, it was life changing. I'm so happy my mum had the strength to leave him.

You're so brave, you and your DC will be so much happier

OPs first thread

You can do this, once it's all done and dusted you will never look back!!

I remember your previous thread.

I left my abusive husband when my daughter was 8, best thing I ever did. I'm remarried to an amazing man.

You deserve so much better.

God you must be so nervous. I’m very impressed. I can imagine that niggly feeling seeing as he’s not drunk in 6 weeks. But the point is, that shouldn’t be a big deal. Loads of people don’t drink for 6 weeks and think nothing if it. But for him it’s like he wants some kind of medal. Shows how big a deal drinking is to him.

It's sad @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme how often men seem to reform just at the point when you've had enough. I think they can tell when you've changed and siddenly need to be a better person. Sadly, I don't think it lasts

You are doing so well, I hope that the next few days are uneventful and your plan goes with us hitch.

Hi another from the previous thread I couldn’t miss the big day now could I? When you finally get your life back hugs, not long now.

Are you sure his change is for you or the shock of the drink driving arrest? My guess is the latter and he'll revert to type

Previous lurker too - well done.
He may indeed turn his life around and be a better father and co-parent.
However you still don't need to stay married, the respect is gone, the trust is gone and he ignored your please for years to change and prioritise you and the children over booze.
He didn't, too little too late as others have said.
Stay strong, you are young and deserve a life of happiness without the dread that comes from being entwined with an someone whose primary relationship is with alcohol.

Good plan OP, I read the past thread and he sounds like a right wanker. Please let us know how you get on. xxxxx

That 'off-kilter' feeling you're having is what's known as 'waiting for the other shoe to drop'. You know from past experience that you can't trust his 'current sobriety', so subconsciously you're waiting for him to take that first drink.

Just move forward. If you can't get him out of the house on a pretext, just try to fill the house with as many 'helpers' as you can and give instructions to them that you are never to be left alone during the move so he has no chance to 'corner' you.

I'm so pleased that you've support in RL and somewhere to go.

No doubt he will fall off the wagon when you go and, of course, it will all be your fault. You know that IT ISN'T and, if it wasn't now, it would be some other trigger later on down the line. If necessary, print out the words HE IS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OWN ACTIONS and stick them somewhere prominent.

Good Luck. By next weekend you'll be able to relax in your own place. No more eggshells, relish the feel of the carpet under your feet!

I remember! Well done.

As PPs have said, you are used to avoiding setting him and to reacting when he does go off so you will feel uncomfortable doing the opposite!

And yes, you've supported him for years. Six weeks doing this 'for you' is not enough. If he means this, he'll keep it up whatever you do.

Hi everyone x after a long discussion about how six weeks of abstinence proves he is not dependant and was like lockdown that now, like lockdown , he can have a controlled lifting. And has just gone to get wine I know how this goes - it doesn't change anything but he has.no idea cannot bloody believe it. Well, I can obviously . Got to go x

Oh Mydog I am so sad for you. I have no words, have a handhold. I know how the devastation feels when it all comes crashing down and the hope just dies.

I hope this will give you the strength to go through with your plan and find your freedom. Un MNetty hug from me.

Only four days to go just think this will soon be over and not your problem hand hold and hugs.

Aaaand, there go your doubts! You knew this wouldn't last. You KNEW it.

Wasn't he talking about a year of no drinking initially?

Good luck for Thursday, let’s hope this will be the start of a better life for you and your family 💐

It's good that he has caved in and gone to buy wine. Now you know for sure he's capable of falling off the wagon and I bet you could fairly accurately predict how the months ahead would play out if you stayed.

It's enough to say that for you, the drink driving episode was the final straw. No other justification is needed. The best thing he could do from here is stabilise, abstain and become a great co-parent. But whatever he does, it's on him, not you, it's not your responsibility to prop him up.

Good luck for the move.

You & your children will be so much happier!