Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading . started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

Thanks for the update and congratulations on you new life. You are an amazing woman and I know your story will inspire others.

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme what a lovely update. That is a lot to happen in a year!
I’m glad things are settling - it will all take time.

Love to all :)

Glad to read the update OP, well done.

Thanks for the update. Let’s hope this next year gets back to normal a bit more. What a crazy year to have left him in. Glad you’re doing well.

Good to read your update mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme. You have done amazingly well. I am amazed at how sanguine you are about your ex's behaviour (past and ongoing).

I find decision making hard and know it's a habit I got into. You had to spend a long time holding things together and your ex made decisions (eg drinking/not drinking, spending money) that you couldn't influence. Maybe that makes it harder.

What's important is that you got the big decision right. May things continue to improve!

Fantastic update. Best of luck to you all for the future.

Ah all your replies have made me cry ! For those in similar situations past and present ; o do not regret leaving - it had to be done and I think everyone's lives are better for it. I have to give credit to him - the shock of losing everything has made him look at himself - I am hopeful he will continue to do well for his sake - and the further away from the mess that was our marriage we get , the more he improves. I am glad for him as a person and esp a father . For me - it was no question the right thing. I thought he would kill me and I have never been so terrified in my life - but in the end he crumbled completely. I know that some people will not have the help that I did - but if anyone is reading this and is thinking about it , please get help - I couldn't have done it on my own xx

He won't ever change OP they never do.
he senses he has gone too far this time and you are giving off signals however hard you are trying to act normal that you have had enough and he is running scared.
What is stopping you just leaving him on Thursday? If he kicks off just call the police and ask them to stay with you while you leave the home. I did this with my first husband and they helped me move out in safety.

@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Maybe try reading the whole thread. It was started a year ago and the OP did leave and has provided an update.

[quote myotherusernameistaken]@Shehasadiamondinthesky

Maybe try reading the whole thread. It was started a year ago and the OP did leave and has provided an update.[/quote]
Oops, i never read whole threads, I don't have the time. Oh well it all ended well, thats the main thing.

You don’t have to read the whole thread just the OP bits. 😂

Thank you - yes it's like reading someone else's story reading my own threads now ! Shehasadiamondinthesky - I too am very glad it ended well thank you all for taking time to post - Mumsnet rocks xx

That’s great that you seem to be ok co parenting with the kids too. and that his new girlfriend is ok.

Wonderful update, well done OP xx

I posted on this last year under a different name - so happy to read your update - well done OP

Even though I know this is unsustainable , I have a niggly ,- what if this time he can do it ? - feeling

And what if he can, OP (hint - he can't - you know this)?
That niggly feeling is residual affection, plus the societal conditioning that urges women to put up & shut up, to put themselves last in the chain of care, to Be Nice at all costs, to keep giving priority to men's feelings over our own rights to happiness.

Imagine a life where DH is on his Demonstrably Ideal behaviour from now on.
Does it change the past?
Are you still on eggshells, waiting for the next incident?
Are you truly, deep down content?
Do you want your children to have to experience his unreasonable behaviour again, when they should be feeling safe & protected in their home?

This "niggly feeling" - the left-over care & even affection/guilt you may be feeling could also be described as a trauma bond.
You're also quite likely to be feeling apprehensive, so a part of you is sending you justification messages pleading with you to stay, so you don;t have to endure DH's inevitable pain, disappointment, & blame-laying.

Allow yourself to feel this niggle.
Acknowledge it ... then let it float on by. It's only a product of years of DH's unreasonable behaviour, & societal conditioning to Stand By Your Man.

I am so glad your have real life allies - please talk to them about how you are feeling, & let them bolster your nerve for your impending

Oh dear lord, my old eyes - caught up now, sorry OP & CONGRATULATIONS!!!

I am glad that you are all doing so well. I still have trouble with making decisions 11 years on. I don't think that I will ever be who I once was.

Chargingbuck - your eyes are fine - and that is a very insightful post and I really appreciate that xx brenna24 - maybe that is all it is - we are never quite the same person you were beforem but I suppose acceptance helps us look more forward with the new version. Don't get me wrong , life is much calmer and infinitly better, I just still have dark moments as chargingbuck points out - it's just a residual feeling from the marriage. I weirdly sometimes struggle without the structure - but am finding my own way. We can do it Brenna24 xx lots of love xx

Brilliant update, OP.

Well done and congratulations on getting to where you are now.

Fantastic update, well done!

How was he when he first realised you were not going back and that you'd got your own place etc?

Lovely update, well done you!

[quote Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]@bigknickersbigknockers beat username yes he is - he has sort of thrown himself into this behaviour of showing how he can not drink alcohol ( six weeks tomorrow) and how much healthier / even tempered / communicative he is since that weekend. He occasionally has mood swings but predominantly it is unnerving how he is. I don't know how to explain it . He is being more or less the perfect husband. Which is making me feel all the worse for all the planning I am secretly doing. Due to my two sisters , my boss and my best mate's support , I have a house fully equipped with the basics , ready to move into on Thursday and I feel so bad. Even though I know this is unsustainable , I have a niggly ,- what if this time he can do it ? - feeling . Do you know what I mean ? I feel quite churned up about it all am hoping it's normal to feel like this x I am hugely hugely anxious about leaving esp as I cannot seem to get him out the house under any premise at all on Thursday for just a couple of hours is all I need. [/quote]
Urgent medical appointment?

Hi OP, just wanted to say I completely missed the thread last year and have just read the entire thing now in one sitting.

Totally proud of you and so pleased everything has worked out.