Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading . started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

The point is that despite everything he wanted to drink..you not stopping him is irrelevant.

he has to want to give it up for himself and him alone. he doesn't need validation to do it,and asking you if it's okay to have a drink is just a stick to beat you with when he falls off the wagon again, he will and then you'll get the blame in part. been there had this shit with an alkie exh. it's totally soul destroyingesp. when you have dc too.
full respect to you for taking control and getting away from this person, life will be 99.99% better foryou and dc.
we are all here to support you, best wishes for your happier future.

Op you really are making the right decision

"nipplegate" sounds intriguing. What was that?!

I remember you OP.

Good luck with the move.

You are definitely making the right decision. Have you spoken to the children about the move? At 17 your eldest should be a great support if they know about it. I would just be worried about the backlash you might have to deal with suddenly announcing that they are to up and leave. Do they need to pack and mentally prepare for their new life?

If you were ever in any doubt about leaving this should show you that you are doing the right thing. Its not up to you to keep him on the straight and narrow, that's his responsibility and he's obviously not able to keep himself in check.

@Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme

Actually , was just thinking - the way it came about I could see it coming . He was cooking dinner and said he felt it was really boring being Friday , having a curry and no beer . Then after DCs were in bed he discussed the similarity with lockdown , other people's attitude to alcohol and how he wouldn't go back . Then he did ask if it was ok to have a glass or wine or two together. I remember flashing everything everyone had said to me about it's not my responsibility to stop him drinking - it has to be his. So I said this to him in as many words -well I said it's up to you m what do you think ? And that is when he went. Did I set him up for that ,from his perspective ? Just checking x

No. He set it up. He planned the six weeks with that one moment in mind.

Did I set him up for that ,from his perspective?

No. Once he allowed the thought of 'It would be ok for me to have a drink', it was a done deal. How you responded was immaterial, it was just how he was going to rationalise it to himself. If you had said no, you would have been controlling, and how dare you, and I am having a drink and you can't tell me not to, I have proved I can give it up, you are the one with the problem, etc, etc. Whatever your response, it would have been twisted to suit his narrative. You reacted calmly and stayed true to yourself, that's all you can do in a crazy-making situation like this. You cannot control or influence him in this, he is driving it all himself.

Thank you all - ok that does very much make sense to me now thank you . He is so happy and chirpy this morning - he is now obsessed with booking a holiday as they are so cheap at the moment. He wants to book , pay 300 in August , September and Feb march and April to go in may. Bearing in mind we are now in £2000 arrears in rent (from an agreed rent break with landlord) and it's very likely he will have a fine and Lise his licence and job and there is not another lined up . This is the sort of entitled attitude I can't stand. With regard to the younger children , I can't tell them till we go as they adore him and I don't rwant their loyalty to be too conflicted they are going to need so much support as it is - I want to tell them just us together and be ready for questions and hugs . Still no idea what to actually do Thurs . Am hoping for a miracle to avoid confrontation .

I can't do the tip idea - although it's a brilliant idea - because when he does tip runs he always uses my older zafira as opposed to his new sporty 3 door car . And I need to get away in my car. But hoping i can think of something x

@FATEdestiny - it was a thread I posted in AIBU ages and ages ago where DH had had such a go at me because I was out for a dog walk along the seafront with him and DC's and it was cold , my nipples stuck out and he told me to cover up because blokes were looking. Which made me self conscious and uncomfortable for the rest of the walk . I had two vest tops and a buttonless cardi on so I spent the rest of the walk with my arms folded to cover my boobs. I was trying to figure out if I had BU .

If he's turned over a wonderful new leaf, you shouldn't have to sneak messages in while pretending to be at the supermarket; he's conditioned you to be grateful for the tiniest crumbs.
If he continues to behave reasonably, that is a good foundation for your future, different, relationship.
And if he does fall off the waggon, it's for him to shoulder the blame for his own actions

Can you say you are making a cake and have run out of xyz?

Or ask a friend/relative to ask him out for a walk/help with a job etc?

I think I remember your original thread, OP. I'm sorry it turned out like this, but sounds like you are making the right decision.

In terms of leaving, could you pack up a lot of your stuff into bin bags and pretend you're doing a charity shop run now they're open, to get some stuff to your new place?

Well I usually work Thursday all day. So that helps as a cover but I need him to go out for a couple of hours - I have my two sisters and my best friend coming around and just piling everything into my work van so time wise is doable. But he needs to be reliably out the house. If I ask one of his family to ask him over for something I will have inadvertently made them an accessory. I am a bit reluctant as it's doubly hard on them . But he might do it for a friend or one of my family . Will have another think . It's my main worry at the moment . ...I have got to find an answer soon !

Thanks Dryice- I can't Smuiggle anything out because he is at home all the time apart from the odd time for errands - I have got a few bits in other locations to go in when I get the keys. I think I am going to try and see if a relative will give him a job to do with something maybe .

I’ve just booked my (genuinely) DH In for “the works” at the Turkish barbers that’s just reopening. Wash, shave, trim, hot towels and so on. He’s so excited 😆 thinks it’s a post lock down treat for him (I see it as a treat for me- I have to see his beard and mane more than he does 🤣🤣
Is that an option for Thursday? (It’s only costing me £15!)
Or maybe a run to the out of town supermarket to get stuff, fill up with cheap fuel and then give the posh car a bit of a run as it’s not had that much use recently?

Oh God, I remember Nipplegate - I just didn't connect it with your later thread. He's an amazing all round asshole, isn't he?

Can you enlist people to be there if you don't manage to get him out of the way?

And as a last resort, if he does majorly kick off you can and should call the police.

I promise I will be back - we are both together all weekend so it's unlikely i will be able to check in much of at all on here but thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support ❤️💗💗

I remember the first thread and have just caught up on it.
I left my husband in secret. He was an abusive asshole.
I had friends sneaking around for me putting stuff in the new flat. It was hard enough then, can’t imagine how it is for you with the covid crap.
I’m 5 years in and I’ve never been happier. Good luck to you. I’m rooting for you. X

I remember your AWOL post. I'm sorry that he has reverted back to indulging in drink and even toying with the idea of coke! It certainly confirms you are 100% doing the right thing. Sadly my family have a history of alcoholism, so it's unfortunately something I'm all too familiar with from my Great Grandparents to one of my siblings. Good luck for Thursday and I'm so pleased you have a good support system around you

OMGosh I have followed your previous threads and not had anything positive to offer as other posters have been fantastic.
However it’s just occurred to me that whenever you have a wobble either in the next few days or in the many weeks to come, all you need to do is to read your old posts - all of them - as they are a stark reminder of how you have tried, battled, spent time carefully thinking, considering all options and have no choice but to leave. The agony is all there in black and white.
Based on what you have told us previously, you have no choice but to now take control to protect your family as your DH has proved time and again that he is not capable of putting the children first and puts his own lifestyle preferences before any of you.
You want to be his wife, his equal, not his keeper, not his drink/drug enabler financially, not his mother nor protector when he wants to give up on jobs. Other people who love you have seen lots of what has been happening and don’t question your decision to leave.
You have been so strong and I hope you can feel proud of yourself and summon the courage to get through the next few days.
Good luck!

Oh lovely I remember your thread. You're so so strong, you can do this. Would he pop out to the shop to gey something if you asked him or maybe something along those lines?

What will you do if you can’t get him out?