Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

929 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 03/07/2020 15:34

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading .Sad started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

OP posts:
FuckYouCorona · 11/07/2020 15:06

Glad to read you did it. I remember my own freedom day very well. Congratulations OP! Flowers

WitchDancer · 12/07/2020 09:36

I hope all is well, I'm thinking of you. 🤝

SkySmiler · 12/07/2020 11:34

Congratulations OP - incredible and inspirational - onwards and upwards.....!

Quietlyloud · 12/07/2020 16:27

I’m late back to this but that doesn’t matter, I’m so glad to see all went well and the kids are okay. Your new home looks lovely and cosy. I hope life continues well from here.

ilikefastcars · 12/07/2020 21:20

Hope you're ok Op x

forrestgreen · 12/07/2020 22:34

I don't want to start the inevitable pile on, but if you could just reassure people you're still all ok that'd be great.
Only ask as people report violence after someone tries to leave.

Defenbaker · 12/07/2020 23:16

I've been watching this thread with baited breath this weekend, hoping that OP would return with an update. However, OP is probably mentally and physically drained after all the upheaval of moving into a new home under such stressful circumstances, and her DC are probably finding it all very unsettling. Hopefully OP and her DC are settling into their new home and OP will return when the dust has settled a bit.

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 12/07/2020 23:33

Hi everyone x sorry did not mean to cause anyone concern - we are all ok. DC s are doing well , have been a bit tearful here and there but by and large ok. We keep talking . They love the new house , and seem happy otherwise. I am still not sleeping brilliantly , and still an erratic appetite but I didn't expect them to disappear. dH has made contact only be messaging. I don't want to talk to him right now. He has been more than reasonable - nice even - and seems to be taking it well . I couldn't understand it but after a mutual friend mentioned that they had spoken to him it seems that he does not realise that it is over . He seems to think that we are staying with someone and the decision is not final. All the while he is being nice, I worry that the penny will drop and he will change. So I don't feel relaxed ; just wary . But either way , all the time he does not know where we are living we have a safe space and I feel less vulnerable. So it is a wait and see approach .
But I am ok , and your posts lift me up and make me happier ! DDog is doing well and settled straight on too ! Smile lots of love to you all xxFlowers

OP posts:
SRS29 · 12/07/2020 23:40

OP thank you for the update.... keep happy and safe, and well done again Flowers

Inkpaperstars · 12/07/2020 23:40

Glad to hear you are all ok, look after yourself and lean on your RL supporters too, I am sure all the pent up stress and adrenaline crash will do a bit of a number on you. But you are doing so well, and I am glad the dc and ddog like the new home...that definitely helps.

I was thinking for a while, what would your H's face be when he realised you were no longer prepared to put up with his behaviour, that you would not be treated that way any longer, or let your dc be in that situation, and were asserting yourself. Quite a shift for him to see you in that light, maybe he hasn't quite got there yet? If so it just shows how deep rooted his arrogance/lack of respect is.

Keep us posted. Well done xx

Defenbaker · 13/07/2020 00:12

Hi OP, so glad that you're all OK, that's great to know. ☺

It's puzzling that your STBXH doesn't seem to have grasped the reality of what's happened, especially as you wrote a goodbye letter to him... I take it you did leave the letter somewhere prominent for him to find? Was the wording ambiguous in some way? Or perhaps he is just in shock and denial, as you have rocked his world and he can't take in the magnitude of what you've done yet. Then again, he might have self medicated with booze and cocaine - I'd imagine that would have a numbing effect.

I think sharing your story in the way that you (and others) have done, will give hope to others in similar situations. This thread could be a life changer for someone. Stay strong OP, you're awesome. Smile

forrestgreen · 13/07/2020 00:16

Oh thank goodness. Thank you

TheMaddHugger · 13/07/2020 02:17

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme (((((Mega Hugs))))) 🌻

One day at a time. There's no rush now. Maybe start a journal of happy things. no matter how small. You can read them at night when you can't sleep.

((((More Hugs))))🌻

BitOfFun · 13/07/2020 02:36

Glad to hear you're ok.

SunshineCake · 13/07/2020 06:32

@forrestgreen

I don't want to start the inevitable pile on, but if you could just reassure people you're still all ok that'd be great. Only ask as people report violence after someone tries to leave.
What inevitable pile on ?Hmm
rainbowstardrops · 13/07/2020 07:21

So glad to hear that you're all ok! I keep checking in to see how you're getting on. KOKO Thanks

pointythings · 13/07/2020 07:47

I'm glad to hear you're ok and getting settled in. As you've said - don't give your STBXH any headspace. He's in denial about being an alcoholic - why would he not be in denial about you having left him? This is his normal modus operandi after all.

Clutterbugsmum · 13/07/2020 07:47

@forrestgreen

OP did not/doesn't need to 'update' strangers on the internet that she is OK or whatever.

OP is quite rightly putting herself and her children first and making sure that they are ok and adjusting to their new life.

If idiots 'pile on' the OP because they are not getting their fix then it says more about them then the OP. OP life is not TV Drama where you get weekly episodes.

tarasmalatarocks · 13/07/2020 09:42

Clutterbugsmum- well said, I honestly think some people think it’s like eastenders! Waiting for the next episode

MrsPerfect12 · 13/07/2020 09:53

Glad you and the kids are doing well. Flowers

DameFanny · 13/07/2020 09:57

I guess if you haven't been in, and escaped, this kind of situation you just don't understand the complexity of the feelings.

It's not like breaking out of the caretaker's cellar in Scooby Doo, hooray we've done it what's next.

It's putting together a whole alternative life while you're still trapped in the old one, and where you've constantly got his voice in your head telling you you're not good enough, this is what you deserve, if you were a better person you'd make it work, it takes two to make an argument* - all that bullshit. So even after you've broken free, you've got the walls in your head to deal with. And in OP's case she's got kids to reassure as well, leaving her even less time to process her emotions.

So please do give her a break. Hopefully she'll be back at some point, maybe under another name if she needs support to stay gone, and remember why she's doing this.

*It does not take 2 to argue, it only takes 1 to be nasty and 1 to wonder what the hell just happened

BitOfANameChange · 13/07/2020 10:50

@DameFanny

I guess if you haven't been in, and escaped, this kind of situation you just don't understand the complexity of the feelings.

It's not like breaking out of the caretaker's cellar in Scooby Doo, hooray we've done it what's next.

It's putting together a whole alternative life while you're still trapped in the old one, and where you've constantly got his voice in your head telling you you're not good enough, this is what you deserve, if you were a better person you'd make it work, it takes two to make an argument* - all that bullshit. So even after you've broken free, you've got the walls in your head to deal with. And in OP's case she's got kids to reassure as well, leaving her even less time to process her emotions.

So please do give her a break. Hopefully she'll be back at some point, maybe under another name if she needs support to stay gone, and remember why she's doing this.

*It does not take 2 to argue, it only takes 1 to be nasty and 1 to wonder what the hell just happened

This, totally.

I left an abusive ex, and it took me a long time to settle. It was hard to get that little voice out of my head that said I wasn't good enough, and was the abuse really that bad? And on, and on. You can't just get out one day, and be totally fine the next.

I'm fine now, but it's that he doesn't know where we live that helps, a lot. So I totally get where OP is coming from.

cakeandchampagne · 13/07/2020 11:07

He won’t be nice when he realizes you’re truly done with him.
Stay strong!
Thanks for the update.
Flowers

billy1966 · 13/07/2020 11:11

Great update that ye are all safe.👍

Dhalandchips · 13/07/2020 11:13

The adrenaline truly messes with everything, the stress manifests itself in all sorts of crazy physical ways... I found it easiest just to acknowledge it was happening and go with it. It settles in time, then you can start to relax. I really hope he doesn't turn nasty, but if he does, you're in a better place now to deal with him. Good luck Flowers I found MN hugely helpful when I left. There's always someone willing to offer support.