Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

[Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme]

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading . started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

Thanks for coming back Op and letting us know you're OK. Your STBEH is in denial but you now have space and time to work out what you want to do.

@DameFanny

I guess if you haven't been in, and escaped, this kind of situation you just don't understand the complexity of the feelings.

It's not like breaking out of the caretaker's cellar in Scooby Doo, hooray we've done it what's next.

It's putting together a whole alternative life while you're still trapped in the old one, and where you've constantly got his voice in your head telling you you're not good enough, this is what you deserve, if you were a better person you'd make it work, it takes two to make an argument* - all that bullshit. So even after you've broken free, you've got the walls in your head to deal with. And in OP's case she's got kids to reassure as well, leaving her even less time to process her emotions.

So please do give her a break. Hopefully she'll be back at some point, maybe under another name if she needs support to stay gone, and remember why she's doing this.

*It does not take 2 to argue, it only takes 1 to be nasty and 1 to wonder what the hell just happened

This, a million times over. So accurately put, it made me well up.

He seems to think that we are staying with someone and the decision is not final.

Remember that his 'mindset' is no longer your problem. You don't need to convince him or get others to convince him. Whether he accepts it or wants to stay in cloud cuckoo land is up to him.

"The dog barks but the caravan passes on".

Really glad to hear you're ok op.

Well done op. Keep safe be happy 🤗

Thrilled for you, so glad your ok and happy I your new home. Hugs

I am glad you and your kids are doing ok, you are such an inspiration to women who could be reading this thread who are going through similar. Well done op for being so strong. 👏👏🙌💪

I understand the apprehension at his mindset.
But you've done the hardest part, you've left, and you know its forever. You owe yourself a massive pat on the back for this, you've secured a future for your children free of his drama.
At some point he will realise it is forever too, but hopefully by that point, you and the DCs will be settled completely, and happy with your new life, so much so that his reaction will unimportant.
He has likely "forgotten" the root cause of all of this and the penny will likely drop while he is in court, and it will all come rushing back.
It would be wise if you were out of the area on the day of his court case just in case he does get wind of where you are, but I'm sure you've already got that in hand.
Really proud of you for getting to where you have xx

Enjoy your new home OP, over time you will feel much more settled and safe.

@MatildaBaggins He has to change for 'Himself' not at the hint of keeping OP

Unlikely too. As he was already drinking again before OP left.

Troll about what @MatildaBaggins?.

So stupid as well as a non reader and giver of ridiculous advice.

Matildabaggins- wtf?

Be very careful what you say to 'mutual friends'.

It's very hard to shake off the apprehension - after all you have been living with it for years. You know what he is capable of.

Get yourself some solid legal advice and the support of a counselor (preferably through Women's Aid) and start working on what sort of divorce settlement you want, including what would be best for the DCs, and in particular working on the mindset you will need in order to take the reins here, by which I mean filing for divorce. Start on gathering the strength to take the initiative soon.

If he's anything like my ex he'll be pretending to believe that you've just gone away for a little while. This suits his picture of himself, and, even more importantly, the image he wants to promote to the wider world, ESPECIALLY to anyone who he thinks might be talking to you too.

The lies within lies in their heads are impossible to fathom.

I cant believe grown women are aware they are trolling and yet still go ahead? Dont they feel like completely unhinged fuckwits?

I know some posters argue day is night because causing drama makes them feel they exist. But to be aware of what you're doing and still do it 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Hope you’re ok op

DameFanny’s post should be put on a sticker at the top of the relationship topic.

You have now done a whole week in your new life ..... how has it been for you and your children?

Thanks @TheMotherofAllDilemmas but I think that would be like stickying the worst bits of childbirth on the pregnancy boards - you know it's unlikely to be easy going in but you just don't need all the detail

No, I think it would help, so many women around who have had their self esteem shred to bits after years in abusive relationships get some really nasty comments from women who are happily married totally oblivious to the nature of domestic abuse.

The “walls in your mid” as you nicely put it, are the real barriers for people to flee.

Mind😕*

Well feel free to cut and paste anywhere you want - I don't know how the sticky post works...

Hi OP how are things feeling now ? I hope you are starting to settle and feel positive about your decision and leaving