Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Secret planning to leave DH - days to go .

929 replies

Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 03/07/2020 15:34

Hi there - previous thread started with DH AWOL , arrested for drink driving . Final straw for me in out marriage , planning to leave in secret on Thursday. 6 days to go . Feeling shit about everything - pain the kids will have to go through , pain and upset his family and him . Wishing he was a reasonable person enough that we could separate amicably. Wishing I could predict which way this is going to go- hating the double life I am currently leading .Sad started this thread just for the hand holding whilst the proverbial hits the fan over the next 7 days !

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 18/07/2020 19:55

congratulations OP... honestly ... you did amazing in such a short time.. proud of you... Flowers

pickingdaisies · 21/07/2020 08:45

So impressed at what you've managed OP, I expect life is very strange at the moment while everyone adjusts to the new situation. I hope you are finding support in real life from your amazing sisters and friends Flowers

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 22/07/2020 22:24

Hi everyone ! Thank you everyone for checking in on us . @DameFanny - my goodness I didn't realise how spot on that was until my heart moved reading that. I used to feel like my marriage was a prison - and even though it is no longer my prison , and I am free and have my own space - literally and metaphorically- I still feel a bit lost . I swing wildly between panic and calm , frustration and elation . For example I was so happy that I managed to book my car in for a service , asked for what I wanted and have put the money aside(sounds so silly !) and that made me feel so happy and then I feel anxious about picking the children up about an hour before I do. For no reason really .
We are civil and talking face to face now. Initially , I sort of slipped into being more familiar - my sisters and beat friends keep checking in on me and have helped me to realise the need for clear boundaries with all interactions. Sounds very clinical but i think that there is a need for it - he is still being very nice and charming and it makes me so so uneasy I cannot explain it !
The children seem fine . It's hard for them going between houses along with now it being summer holidays and all the disruption that brings but the seem to be settling down.
I have had messages of support from all of his family - keen to say how they will always see me as family which has been so moving and such a relief. What I have found surprising is how some people's reaction has been almost grieved. I feel like they are genuinely sad - I have had a few ' but you seemed so good together ' and ' o can't believe it ' reactions. I have been wary to bad mouth or express anything too much but I somehow feel embarrassed and have to avoid my natural reaction of stuttering apologies ! It's a tricky line to walk . But otherwise it's ok Hmm

OP posts:
pointythings · 22/07/2020 22:29

Those are all very normal and natural reactions and they will settle when your new normal kicks in. Your STBXH may or may not accept that this is it and get on with life and divorce - it's impossible to tell. Whatever he does, you will weather it and thrive. You are amazing.

pickingdaisies · 22/07/2020 22:35

I expect the nice and charming is making you uneasy because you don't trust it. You can't take it at face value. Keep those boundaries, then there will be no opportunity for misunderstandings. Other people's reactions, well, who knows, sounds like you're handling it really well though.

DameFanny · 22/07/2020 22:36

What pointythings said. You really are doing brilliantly well.

tracyon · 22/07/2020 23:31

Well done. It will keep getting better and better! When’s his DD case up and do you think he’ll get away with it?

Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 23/07/2020 00:00

Oh yes the court case it's next Wednesday. He said he is now not going to fight it as he wants to save the money as he may need it. He has had a job interview with the company that he worked for for 22 years and no success. So it looks like he will be out of a job next week . I have no idea if he is drinking , and I am working hard to not carry that responsibility ! And , as PP advised , after the Tinder discovery , I am going to get the ball rolling on the divorce. Might have to sell my wedding ring to pay for it though ! But thank you all for replying ! I love Mumsnet Grin

OP posts:
Nearlyshitmypantsthere · 23/07/2020 00:20

Hey @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme great to hear you're doing so well. You are stronger than you know!!! Keep going 💐❤ xx

BitOfFun · 23/07/2020 01:31

Yes, you are well on your way! Good luck with everything that follows Flowers.

Dhalandchips · 23/07/2020 07:07

Tinder discovery? I missed that! He's clearly very distraught at the demise of the marriage Hmm

pointythings · 23/07/2020 07:33

So we have cheating, coke, alcohol and drink driving. What a prince among men he is. You'll be well rid. Tough times ahead, but at least you will be free.

User43210 · 23/07/2020 08:30

I'm with @Dhalandchips I can't recall a tinder discovery. I've just been back through and still see nothing - have I missed something @Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme ?

Glad all is going well though, you have a lot of support here and in real life it seems

Grrrpredictivetex · 23/07/2020 10:09

@Dhalandchips

Tinder discovery? I missed that! He's clearly very distraught at the demise of the marriage Hmm
Yes I must of missed that also Confused
Original poster
Mydoghasbettereyebrowsthanme · 23/07/2020 10:38

Sorry - it was very late last night ! A friend of mine is on Tinder on Monday and he popped up on her search - obviously she recognised him immediately and messaged my best friend who ummd and ahhd but then told me .Hmm

OP posts:
User43210 · 23/07/2020 10:43

Oh wow. I hope he's not still waiting for a reconciliation if that's the case. Sounds like you're well out!

Inkpaperstars · 23/07/2020 11:13

Frightening to think he is on Tinder, this man should come with a health warning.

You're doing so well mydog, and I am glad his family have shown loyalty to you. Keep an eye on the situation re him drinking and the kids, I am worried about him driving with them while under the influence.

I would say that with every update it becomes clearer and clearer how right your decision was...but it was entirely clear from the very beginning so...yeah, just WELL DONE xx

Ariela · 23/07/2020 12:05

Sounds like he's moved on already...don't be his fall back.

Dhalandchips · 23/07/2020 12:15

Truly a prince among men.

Sssloou · 23/07/2020 12:24

The Tinder think is just another manifestation of the core characteristics of these types - deluded, entitled, arrogant and in denial. They just keep plugging on in their own little fantasy land running from reality. Totally selfish. His family has imploded, his children had to flee from their home and all the selfish wanker can focus on is his cock.

Sssloou · 23/07/2020 12:24

*thing

AcrossthePond55 · 23/07/2020 14:11

The Tinder think is just another manifestation of the core characteristics of these types - deluded, entitled, arrogant and in denial

True. But in some men it's less about their cocks than it is the need for a victim or for a 'caretaker'. OP is no longer there blame for his self-caused trouble or to 'pick up after him' (literally and metaphorically) so he needs to find someone else to do it.

Holothane · 23/07/2020 16:03

Glad your doing well it will get better so proud of you hugs.

Pumpkintopf · 23/07/2020 16:54

Really good to hear you're ok op. Shocked at the Tinder discovery though!

HearingMyOwnVoice · 23/07/2020 19:48

I've not been through this but listening to the others speak of it makes me think of the Disney film Rapunzel when she leaves her tower with Flynn. One moment she's swinging round the trees and the next she's in the foetal position on the floor.
Go easy on yourself. Rather than seeing it as steps back look at it like steps forward. I'm crap at explaining things but the best way I can think of it is when a friend described the end of her pregnancy as stop starting labour and I told her that I tried to think more of it as puzzle pieces and each one was clicking into place. You are filling the jigsaw puzzle of your new life.
(Oh god, I'm pretty sure I've mangled what I wanted to say and I don't know how to strike through 😂)