Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

wish I’m happy for him to wear female underwear during sex, he looks better in it than I do 🤣, I think it’s only recently he’s started wearing a skirt in public.

Shit he wears women’s underwear most of the time ,so obviously when we have sex he’s wearing it (before we are undressed anyway), he says it’s not a sexual thing, he wears them because he finds them more comfortable and he likes the look. Tbh I’m not too bothered if is a fetish, it’s just underwear. The women’s clothes he wears out occasionally, he wears a lot of masculine clothes too, sometimes a bit of both, if he wants to wear a skirt I am not too bothered as it’s often worn like a kilt rather than a pretty frock, I’m not so comfortable about him wearing a dress but he doesn’t do that in public unless at a festival. This is the iron who brought his kid along to a date which did make me feel uncomfortable. I have spoken to him and explained that he won’t be meeting my kids any time soon and that I’m not in a rush to get into a serious relationship. I don’t plan on rushing anything with him and have slowed things down so I’m not seeing him as often as he would like, if he keeps pushing for more I will walk away, I’m just enjoying going out with him once a week and the sex.

I am not sure he is being honest with you about how sexual he finds this. I would say that underwear is a clear indication of how he views what he likes to do. I think what he has described as fun and expressive to you sounds like it has a side of kink. And that is what he needs to be honest with you about because then you will know where your boundaries are with how far you will also go with this kink and what he’s actually into.

If this was just fun, then a skirt/make up would make sense because fashion and make up are fun, expressive and non con-formative for men - I mean I really enjoy watching some Male you tubers who love make up and it is a lot of fun for them it’s obvious. but it is also obvious it’s not sexual in that sense.

I’m a woman and have been for a long time, women’s underwear is often not designed to be that comfortable and unless he’s wearing size 16 cotton high waisted full bottom granny pants from Tesco... I don’t believe anyone who says sexy women’s lingerie is more comfortable than men’s underwear - which are usually a soft cotton.

It is absolutely fine to be turned on by wearing women’s underwear but again I don’t think he’s been honest about it from the sounds of things you said he told you it wasn’t sexual

Hi to all newbies here too and I do try to keep up with the thread sorry for being rubbish!

Had a nice catch up with Mr R today - he’s being so positive about his crappy situation I have all my fingers crossed about his job which I think he finds out soon. We went for a really long walk in between the downpours of rain and just talked for ages. We are having dinner together tomorrow but no overnight stays due to my DC. Nothing else to report, trying not to go all married off too soon 😂 and keep things really fun. I have a high sex drive but due to our circumstances we can’t really do it very much but I almost like that more as it keeps me keen and eager for the next time. So far no major issues or flags but I am keeping my eyes open really. The thread has taught me not to count any chickens too soon!

Is he trans @Lovemusic33 because otherwise I can't see how tucking his bits away esp in summer can be remotely comfortable?

I don't often post but hopefully I'm still welcome! I'm fed up with dating.

Separated May last year, had a short relationship which I ended at the start of lockdown and have been OLD in between and since. Had a great text thing going on with someone in the states but that went off the boil plus 5000 miles when you both have kids is tricky. There's someone I've been chatting to on and off since last summer who I met a couple of weeks ago but that's a FWB if anything. There was someone else I had a coffee with few weeks ago and because of his shifts/my childcare we could only do this weekend for a second date. He just cancelled.

I have a couple of other dates coming up but I can't say I'm expecting anything to come of them, and a few I've turned down. Feel pretty jaded by it all to be honest. I get it's a numbers game but it feels like it's taking its toll. My life is actually pretty good outside of dating, but you know I would like to meet someone and at nearly 47 don't feel like time is on my side. The supply of attractive, interesting, active, available men in their late 40s v early 50s is not infinite. Dating just feels like its detracting not adding to my life right now.

My hormones also feel like they are having some kind of last stand. It's very frustrating. If it wasn't for that, I'd be inclined to knock it on the head for a bit. Pls dont say I will meet someone through friends or work or the gym and it will all happen naturally. It won't.

I’m feeling a bit flat today and I know it’s just me feeling sorry for myself. Mr Surprises has gone a little quiet 🤫 We were supposed to meet on Tuesday for lunch but my ex decided on the day that he was too busy to take our son so I had to cancel. We rescheduled for Wednesday evening but Mr Surprises cancelled as he’s busy with work and needed to work that evening. I’ve not heard much from him since. Exchanged a couple of meaningless messages yesterday morning (what’s for breakfast etc) and that’s it. I text last night asking how his day was and I’ve not heard back. I’m going to leave it and see if he texts this weekend.

I did have a weird “conversation with Mr PE) he’s an old FWB from 3 years ago. My god he was keen and dirty 🤣😂 I’ll put him on hold for now in case Mr Surprises has gone cold. Mr PE is insanely attractive and fit but the sex was very selfish on his part and a bit crap so I’d have to get him to be a bit more involved!
I’ll keep you posted

Hi cheerup. I am tbe same age as you and found OLD tough too. Loads of men in their 30s on there (too young for me personally) and the ones my age all lying about their age was my experience.

I took a backseat when on it and only responded to men I really liked the look of/had some banter with. Suffice to say there was very few dates BUT I got very comfortable being single and was happy to remain so till I met someone really special.

I did find him. He's 50, kind, funny and gorgeous. I can't believe my luck and he kindly says the same. He lives 5 minutes drive from me, although I'd never seen him before.

Yes you can meet every man that shows you attention but I preferred to be ruthless and hold out. I'm so glad I did; we are together 10 months now. It was the quality over quantity approach, I suppose.

I was on match.com a good while before quitting that and going to Badoo, which is where I met him within a week or two of joining. I never did multiple sites and nor did he.

Hang in there and keep the faith. I hope you feel a bit better soon

Hello all
Has been a good few months since I last posted but I wanted to pop in as a current (at least) success story. Mr Music and I have been together for 6 months now and though it's still early days things are going great. He has made such a difference to my life and we seem to make each other very happy.

I took the same approach as Windmill. Met very few guys but kept focused on the few criteria that were important to me and let fate take care of the rest.

Stay well all

Ok, I know that this is not what you are supposed to say but y'know I want to have sex before I'm menopausal. I'm in the best shape I've ever been in and I like sex so much more now I'm not married. I don't respond to everyone who shows interest by a long shot. I'm just fed up of investing time in things that effectively waste it. I had ruled out Fab because I'm not interested in indiscriminate sex but I'm now thinking that's probably the way to go. I don't want another husband or even a live in boyfriend - I don't have time. A few dates, maybe a weekend break and decent sex would be fine.

But thank you @Windmillwhirl I do appreciate your response and its lovely to hear happy stories

I donr want a husband I'd love in boyfriend either. My independence is very important to me now.

Do what feels right for you. I did what was right for me. I did not waste time on anyone that didnt really excite me. Yes it meant sex was off the cards for a while but I could deal with that. Casual sex with someone online to scratch an itch never worked out well for me personally.

Or live-in boyfriend *

Lucyloo no he’s not trans 😐 and doesn’t ever plan on being.

Menora he never wears make up, he’s a bearded guy and I wouldn’t say he wants to look like a woman, it’s more making a statement and being different (I think), like he will wear a skirt but his top half will be masculine and men’s footwear, he doesn’t dress in full drag 😂. I know at the moment I only have what he’s telling me which is why I worry a little about how he may change his mind on his sexuality in the future which is maybe why I’m not wanting to get attached, I would like to get to know him before being in any kind of relationship with him. He does have some kinks but so far wearing woman’s underwear hasn’t really been one of them, yes he wears them but it’s never been a part of sex if you know what I mean, the pants don’t stay on and they are not a feature and they are not what I would call “sexy underwear”.

@Lovemusic33 you say he wear’s women’s knickers as he finds them comfy - I find that hard to believe to be honest - and has ‘recently’ started to wear skirts out. I’m not against people wearing what they like - far from it, I think David beckham was unkindly treated when he wore a skirt 20 years ago and he looked great.

My fear is that if it is some kind of fetish (look up autogynephilia) he may be exploring sides of himself, and changing in a way you find uncomfortable and maybe he needs to decide who he is before embarking on a relationship. Did he mention the knickers before you met or did he wear pants the first time you had sex? Is he introducing you slowly to something you won’t feel comfortable with? Back to David Beckham, I could quite easily have dated him in that skirt, but what if he started wearing my knickers? Or swapping makeup tips? There’s a point at which I would find it unattractive in the same way that Mr R knows I do not like men in jogging bottoms and would not find him attractive in them or y fronts. Likewise if he felt needed to wear concealer I wouldn’t care but blue eye shadow would not suit his colouring!

Also a lot of men who wear women’s clothes are disrespectful to women. Look up Pips Bunce. I don’t know how to say it without getting banned from Mumsnet but this is a person who was born a man (Philip) and sometimes wears a male suit but other time dressesas a woman in fishnets and pink suits while having a senior position in a bank and gets put on awards lists for ‘best women in business’. I find it horrendously disrespectful that he wears clothes to work that women wouldn’t wear that are his exaggerated version of feminine and then takes awards that women should win.

So I would just consider whether you are a frog being put in heating up water. And I would listen out for his general attitudes and respect for women.

@cheerup I'm the same age as you. I took a similar approach to others. Didn't waste my time on dates where there wasn't something there. I started seeing Mr B a year ago. Initially I saw it as casual as I considered he has enough red flags to make bunting with. But actually he is so kind and consistent with me my feelings for him grew and we are now in a proper relationship.

I would like to love with someone again, although my older teens are against it so it would have to be some way off on the future. After 14 years on my own I've realised I'd like someone to come home to and share the load with. We have both said how much we enjoy going doing the food shop together. Not exciting I know. And yet somehow it's really lovely!! If you want flings I think fab is probably a good place to start as everyone is very upfront. I found the interface difficult as I want to see a face!!

@Lovemusic33 I think wearing underwear has to give him a sexual frisson as women's underwear certainly isn't very comfortable and not designed to hold a man's bits in. Even if he doesn't need to use the underwear as part of your sex life. I think peoples kinks come out the more you get to know them and you sound very open minded. I do agree with some of the points @shitwithsugaron brought up earlier about seeing you get swept along by the men you date and not having clear expectations and boundaries. Similar concerns I expressed to @Menora earlier in the year. For me meeting kids for example is a total no until I feel we are in a relationship. The beginning is about us as adults. And if he doesn't have sole responsibility for his DD why does he need to see you on the weekends he has her?

Stealth he told me before I met him that he occasionally wears feminine clothes, he didn’t wear women’s underwear the first time we had sex, he wasn’t actually wearing any 😂. Most of the underwear he wears are not that feminine (no silk or frills, just tight fitting underwear that could be male/female), he says it’s something he’s always experimented with, not a new thing. Yes it does worry me that it may become “more of a thing”, wearing a skirt occasionally at home is much different than wearing them all the time when out. Underwear doesn’t bother me as it’s something that’s private and only me and him would see, I’m not too bothered if it is a fetish again as long as it’s something that’s private. I’m not exactly feminine, I wear clothes from the men’s section, I find bigger pants (woman’s boxer shorts) comfortable, I don’t wear make up and wear men’s jewellery, sometimes wear men’s deodorant so I’m not much different than he is?

Notcool he does have sole responsibility of his dd which is why it’s tricky not to meet his dd. I have sole responsibility of my DD’s too but can leave them for a bit to meet up with him, he won’t be meeting my DD’s any time soon.

Ah ok. I'd probably discount him on that basis then @Lovemusic33 as how can he date if he can't find people to look after his DD? I had 8 years out mainly for that reason. Came back to dating once my kids were older and I could leave them for a few hours. Plus if things got serious it would be a very different role expected of you than if he had his DD half of the time. I know that wouldn't be for me at this stage in my life. But I'm about 15 years older than you.

The kid thing is a issue, though his daughter is almost a age where she can be left, he has another child that his ex has full custody of, he sees him once or twice a week. At the moment I like the fact I can’t see him that often, I’m happy to just see him when he doesn’t have his dd (she does go to her mums but not very often) as seeing someone once a week or every other week is perfect for me, I don’t want much more as I still have my dc’s , I don’t plan on ever living with anyone (not whilst my dc’s are still living at home) and wouldn’t consider blending families. All I want is good company occasionally and sex but I have a feeling he will want more which is why he pushes to meet up when we have kids in tow.

Just joining in at the suggestion of a poster on a thread I posted this morning I have a date next Sunday, my first ever actual proper grown up date! I'm 29, recently single and have a nearly 4to son. Help!!

@Lovemusic33, it sounds like you are pretty chilled with the main aspects of Mr Snake. You've had some really honest reactions to various aspects of his preferences and the situation with you meeting him when his DD is around. Like you say he seems keen for things to increase in frequency. Only time will tell if that becomes an issue for you.
Welcome @PurpleMackington, exciting news about the date. What are your worries ? Presumably you have been chatting if you met OLD? I think the general consensus of advice would be to go with an open mind and not get your hopes up too high until you have actually met.