Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Menora it’s not a fetish thing at all, he says it’s not a sexual thing, more of a “I want to be different” thing which I kind of get as I dress differently that most people, he says he finds it more comfortable too, he said he’s no gay or bi and isn’t trans (doesn’t want to be female). Tbh I don’t care what he wears and he’s made me feel more comfortable about dressing how I want to dress too but I just worry about people judging and staring (which is why I often dress to fit in ). He likes the fact that I’m not overly bothered about it but I’m worried this will make him do it more often (I’m ok with him doing it occasionally but not sure if I would like him doing it every time we went out 😁.

wishfulldreamer thank you for your reply, your description of your dp sounds very similar to Mr snake, I think he has questioned his sexuality in the past but says he’s only interested in women and doesn’t want to transition. He has been very open from the start about it and we have been in a date with him wearing a skirt (the rest of his clothes were very manly) so he doesn’t really dress up fully as a female, will just wear a skirt or a woman’s top with jeans. I think my fear is that if we end up in a serious relationship he may one day decide he wants to transition or experiment more with his sexuality. In reality I don’t think we will ever be in the kind of relationship where it matters, I don’t plan on living with anyone or spending that much time with anyone, I’m enjoying meeting up with him and talking but I can’t see it lasting forever (as he’s likely to want something more serious).

Also had a message from Mr Ski today as I hadn’t replied to his last text, I told him that I had found out that he had lied about his age, he said he was going to tell me when we next meet 🤔, he said he didn’t really want me finding out about who he is and how much money he has because he didn’t want someone wanting him for his money.

I logged into my old pof profile tonight and there he was with new pics, a brand new profile. It was all an illusion obviously, just using me for attention maybe or a placeholder, who knows.

I have been okay the last couple of days but this has really hurt me. I've basically been an emotional crutch for someone for 9 months who can just disregard me so easily.

I desperately want to message him to tell him what I think of him, please tell me that's not a good idea??

@bangheadhere40, would it make you feel better? Would you care whether you got a reply or not? I have been in your position numerous times. Messaging rarely gets any positive response. He has clearly decided he's ready to move on. I think sadly he was already heading that way before any of the recent events. Is this Mr Dumfries? ( have I remembered that correctly as one of your irons?)
Rise above it bang . He's really not worth any more of your time.

@bangheadhere40 I guess it depends what you want to achieve really. It must be awful seeing it like that on the screen.

Anyone else blame themselves when things end? I always feel like if I was x enough, it would work, and I never blame the other person. I don't know why I'm so self critical. This last bloke was strangely unaffectionate, most likely due to nerves/alcohol and all I could think about today was that I wasn't sexy enough/appealing enough, single handedly breaking my own confidence down. I just don't know why I'm so self critical.

@Lovemusic33 I simply wouldn’t be comfortable with my partner as a man wearing a skirt out unless it was fully agreed. That said, I have dated a quite a feminine man and this didn’t bother me. He did however have dysfunction in bed which made me wonder if he was latently gay. I was never unkind or critical however.

Thanks both. onesmallstep no not Mr Dumfries...this was one before and after him....I won't message as it won't achieve anything and as you say he's moving on.

eesha yep I'm self critical, always looking at myself and what I could have done differently. I think we need to try and look at it from our point of view as notcool said. Forget why they do things but why are we putting up with it. So much easier said than done, I'm my own worst enemy.

@Eesha .. feels awful doesn’t it? As soon as I get that very uncomfortable feeling I instinctively know something is not working. Been toe dipping with someone for two months over lockdown and ha ex had a few self confidence issues. We stopped and started again consequently but he’s been reassuring so I feel better with him to move forward. It would seem he lacks some confidence too. Just took quite a bit of discussion to build us back together. Do either try saying how you feel or move on maybe?

@cravingthelook
Thanks for your reply what you are saying is very interesting. I m fascinated how you can fully give your love and heart to more than one at the same time and it sounds special what you have with Ms Jam although shame that you were upset.
I have had that true soul connection maybe a couple of times and it is rare and powerful when it happens . Sadly it ended and I m not convinced I will ever find it in someone male or female again but I guess there is hope .

@bangheadhere40 yes it's pretty rubbish but I'm slowly getting out of that mindset after chatting to lifecoach friend today. I think we are who we are and actually I don't want to be my own worst enemy. I want to champion myself as I do have great traits which I play down if things don't work out.

Hiya I'm back after a couple of years hiatus, I would like to say due to a relationship but I would be lying...….cancer and treatment. I still to some degree have a bit of a hang up about my hair (or lack of it) BUT I'm out there. So marking my place and following with interest as often as I can

I used to always blame everything on myself, the failure of my marriage took a long time to get over, to realise that actually I was not to blame.
I still am very self critical, but I'm in a place now where I can see others actions as their actions and not a reflection on me.

I have a last minute date with Mr Yo-yo at lunch time.
I messaged him this morning saying that I don't think things are going anywhere and he messaged instantly back wanting to arrange something.
I'm going with my eyes open, I'm not convinced he's right for me (even though he is jaw droppingly good looking ) but I will see how it goes.. or even whether he turns up!

Dating women ! May I pop in and ask a question Please ?

If I want to find a fling (NOT relationship ) but with someone that won’t immerse me in a vat of acid afterwards , what app do you
Recommend please ? I’m 46

My kids are with their parent all summer so musing about getting into saddle
I’m horny

No one should ever blame themselves for their actions, dating should be stress free and you should be able to be yourself, if you can’t be yourself with a person then it’s not going to work. Sometimes things just don’t work out because your not suited, not because you did anything wrong. I have been dumped and ghosted so many times, yes it hurts but it’s never my fault, it’s just what happens when someone too scared to say “actually it’s not working”. Never feel it’s your fault.

Welcome back Curlylox

@Curlylox sorry to hear you've had a rough couple of years. Glad that you are feeling better and welcome back to the thread.

Whilst someone else's behaviour is not our fault, I do think it's interesting to reflect on whether we have enabled their shoddy behaviour by rewarding the hot and cold, giving more chances than we should etc. What challenged me about Mr Unavailable was being made to think about my behaviour and my actions. I'd always seen myself as an unfortunate victim of these men and never taken time to think why I chose them, stayed with them and allowed them to pick me up and put me down.

Sorry you had to see that @bangheadhere40 my friend saw Mr S on bumble the day after he ended things. As we had been in and off I wasn't even sure we were over until I heard that. I think he must have blocked me as I never saw his profile. Time to move on. And remember you did nothing wrong. You were open and trusting.

That sounds like a rough time @curlylox - glad you've made it through to the other side

In parallel with agreeing with @notcoolmum as much as it is easy to believe oneself to be a victim of terrible others, it's much harder to see and reflect on the terrible other in ourselves that exhibits the same hot/cold, fear and avoidance with the more available others. I think that was also a message from Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl if I read it correctly.

Thanks notcool. Had to come off pof, can't really see him on there 24/7 as it just reinforces I meant nothing really and am just so replaceable to him.

I'm still on match and re joined tinder.

Definitely going to be having a good think about why I let myself put up with this, and trust my gut if something seems off.

@bangheadhere40, maybe it would be good to look at what warning signs he gave off that you chose to ignore. Were there things that he did regularly that you knew you weren't happy with but maybe gave him the benefit of the doubt over ? I know I am guilty of pushing my concerns to one side, convincing myself that the good bits outweigh the not so good. I also agree with @HairyArsedMan that reflecting on our own traits and availability is also important. I find telling people that I'm not interested in them or it's over really difficult. I am still vaguely giving my last proper ex mixed messages because he would like to resume things. I don't want to hurt his feelings, it boosts my ego a little that I made that impact on him and I probably like the vague back up plan element to him being there. I think we're all capable of being self centred and egocentric when it comes to relationships.

@Thisisworsethananticipated

Fling only- fabswingers most definitely.

I'm back from my 'date' with Mr Yo-yo. Well, he blew me away. Attractive, intelligent, charming, tall! great kisser . Seemed very keen.
Now I'm constantly comparing him to Mr W, and I feel a little bit guilty but I'll get over that I'm sure.

It seems men are like buses, waiting for ages and then two come along at once

Can I just ask (as someone who's sadly likely to be back in the dating game soon) how are you all managing on dates with the current rules?

@AGoodYearfortheRoses

Well, me and Mr yo-yo had every intention of remaining socially distanced, but failed miserably but, we did give it some discussion (he works from home, no vulnerable people etc) before we broke the 'rules'.

@Lovemusic33 - for mine, there's definitely a sexual element to it. I know he would like to cross dress during sex, and I'm fine with that. I find it quite sexy tbh, but it's definitely not for everyone (as i think my partner would be the first to admit. there's a reason he's kept it to himself for the most part all these years).