Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I'm feeling a bit meh about life today. Mr Van and I are doing okay and there is talk of seeing each other over the weekend. Football seems to have taken back over his evenings and he's not the easiest person to make plans with ( which is difficult for me as I like to know what I am doing)
Mr Cocky and I continue to chat although I have taken to not answering every whatsapp. He hasn't asked me back to his flat although alluded to it today. He's had a problem with ED in the past and I think he's concerned about not being able to do anything when the time comes. I know it's a messed up situation but he's one of my few ' friends '. I'd say currently my biggest issue is loneliness. Very little family around and only a small number of real friends. I am envious of those of you who have such busy and full lives.
Deleted Tinder last night. One or two odd experiences.
I need to find the right time to check with Mr Van where he's at with things between us. My best friend thinks I am out to self sabotage things with him in particular but I kind of feel I need to know what's real and worth pursuing. And if it's not, clear the way for maybe a period of not dating but focusing on myself. Who knows ?!

For me @Lovemusic33 the kid thing and making sure we were on the same page there would be more of an issue than his underwear and skidded. Certainly at this stage. I'd also be pushing back in any suggestion of meeting with his DD so he's clear you aren't getting involved in that.

@Onesmallstep67 are with Mr Van or Mr Cocky giving you what you want/need? They aren't the only options. I hear what you say about being lonely, but you can't move on if you are holding on to something that isn't going anywhere.

Hahaha! My typing is always horrendous. But skidded and underwear might be one of my worst/best!! I meant skirt wearing 😂😢

Some challenging reading to catch up with here but as usual the posters here are so wise and fair in their advice...loving having experienced people to turn to because no one in my real life (apart from my ex🙈) are doing OLD.
I have my first date tomorrow in an actual restaurant! I am looking forward to it and so nervous in equal measure!
I am talking to this iron the longest but I am feeling like it’s gone off the boil a little as my other iron is taking more of my time and interest. I considered cancelling the date but I remembered the rule about it not being real until it happens and as I’ve never met iron no 2 I’m not going to ditch no 1 on the basis of a few calls and texts.

In one way I’ve been glad that we have not been chatting loads as I will have loads to talk about tomorrow if it’s awkward 😂

@Notcoolmum too funny 😂

Checking in

@PurpleMackington good luck!

For a first ever date I think my goals would be to keep it short (with the potential to extend if it goes well) don’t have too high expectations or too low - treat it like a first day at work kind of thing.

It’s not your job to make it fun or impress him or vice versa- just be yourself, if you click you click if not there’s always another one! Be aware of your boundaries and safety but not paranoid (own transport, don’t get really drunk, enough money to cover etc). Clothing - I find something tried and tested that feels comfortable and is flattering but not too “night out” works well.

Ideally if he’s at your level he’ll be just as nervous and trying to make it go well as you - it’s not to be paranoid but some people ARE weird (bad conversation skills/pushy for sex etc) and it’s not your problem - just detach politely ASAP and don’t stress.

@Notcoolmum, very funny typo and yes you are right in the subtext of your question - I don't think either of them is giving me what I want or need. There are pros and cons to both of them and sadly to every other iron who I also stay in contact with ( to varying degrees ). I feel like I am playing for the last brownie in ' Notting Hill' with who's got the most rubbish life - and I really don't have ( lots to be grateful for ) but I can sometimes feel pretty isolated ( no job, only DDs family wise that I see often and limited social circle. ) and of course we are just edging out of a prolonged period of isolation so that will no doubt have added to my feelings. To top it off I am on a constant diet, still several stones overweight and feel a failure in that respect too if the numbers don't come down regularly on the scales. Perimenopausal and mood can be all over the place.
So whilst Mr Van and Mr Cocky may not be the right ones it feels a big decision to hollow out my life even more than it has been over recent years.

Good luck everyone with upcoming dates!

All well here - I think getting used to using the tinder and bumble apps has really dealt with a lot my “where are all the men in my age range/at my level/things in common?” issues I was feeling on other sites.

There’s just MORE men. My current two primary irons live within walking distance of me, are both at the same life stage and similar values and goals and schedules (and plenty more where they came from
)

I think the knock on effect for me if using other sites/trying to meet people IRL, was “attempting to make things work” with guys who were 58% a match rather than say 80% which then in turn had a negative effect on my confidence.

So for now I’m just going with dating and getting to know people and not thinking “I should give the bloke who lives 567 miles away and works crazy hours a chance”

Aw @Onesmallstep67 I hear you. I have so much that's not great in my life. And I'm also struggling with my weight and peri menopausal. I understand the fear of cutting them out and being left with a void. But you could try and turn that on its head and think of how you can fill the void with things that don't make you feel bad about yourself.

Do you want to look back in a year and see yourself in the same situation and trying to make a couple of relationships work. Or look back and see how far you have come without the highs and lows of difficult and unfulfilling relationships?

Is there one thing you could focus on now that is a positive and would make you feel better. I joined slimming world a couple of years ago and actually enjoyed the group aspect and have made some new friends. Same with couch to 5k. Hopefully things are opening up a bit more now so there are more options for you than Mr Van and Mr Cocky.

And I'm very aware of the loss you have had and realise that is a very different experience than leaving an unhappy or abusive message. So I don't mean to come across as glib or uncaring.

@Notcoolmum, you never come across as either of those things. I always find your responses a combination of thoughtful and empowering, trying to get me and everyone else to put our needs at the forefront of all our decisions. think about a SW group, that would give me a focus and support with my weight loss. My other hobby is completely curtailed for the foreseeable future as it amateur theatre.
I am heading out with my older DD now for a bit of retail therapy in a non essential shop woohoo !
Thank you for taking the time to respond. I do really value the support on here, it's been a real bonus in recent months.

@Onesmallstep67 I really feel for you and partly understand. I have my dd and parents who I can rely on for company but i also want the company of a partner. I have hobbies, friends I see from time to time and can live my life day to day but something is missing. I feel bad that the company of my dd is not enough for me.

my issue recently probably came around because someone gave me attention and I latched on to it. As long as your being treated well and are happy then I'd say that's fine but if its not what you really want then they are probably holding u back from finding that. I understand how it can be hard to let them go.

I am feeling pretty down in the dumps tbh, crying a lot at anything. 2 new irons have been messaging me and seem quite intersted but i feel like I'm just pushing them away for no reason in particular.

I just want to cuddle on sofa with someone at the min without all the in between. the only other iron I talk to (call him Mr Young) was talking about cuddles last night but we are never free at the same time and if we are he doesnt really want a relationship but I'd take his cuddles right now 😔

Thanks so much @Onesmallstep67 amateur dramatics sounds great. What a shame you can't do that at the moment. I've made one of my closest friends through a local Facebook page looking for a running buddy.

But I understand the longing for a partner. Lots of posters on here are clear they don't want a live in partner. But I've been on my own for 14 years and I do want someone to share my life with. Lockdown would have been much more fun if I had my bf living with me!

Hey can I join please! I was casually seeing a guy before lockdown and we met up for socially distanced walks. We got on well but I never felt quite like he was really into me and should've stopped seeing him far sooner than I did.

So he ghosted me in the end which is so annoying but I've joined back to to match and will listen to my instincts a lot more.

I've got a thick skin for OLD, it just gets weary sometimes.

@catsoup

Welcome, what sites are you using?

I only used match okcupid pof for years and there just don’t seem to be as many users as the apps - so I’d end up trying to continue stuff or excusing behaviour early on - where I just should have dropped the guy and swiped a bit more?

@Bunkbedpeople

I'm using match at the moment, nothing else but I might take a look at tinder as well.

I've used pof and tinder before but I'm quite choosy about the dates I go on so although I don't have lots of dates, the ones I do go on usually turn out ok. I just can't get past date 4 or 5 .

Definitely swipe more, I need to do that too!

Yeh I only used match.com for a few years - I thought the paid format meant it attracted more serious people but now I think the same people are on apps as well? I think maybe on tinder you get the pushy hookup people but they’re quite open about it early on so easy to just screen and ignore quickly.

Definitely 100% agree reducing the quantity of meets/dates helps!

I’ve decided to drift away from two chats (not that they’re not keen or that they’ve randomly sent me bondage pics) as I don’t think they're great matches (sounds odd but they seem polite enough but don’t seem to be making effort to make me feel comfortable)

and it’s just a lot less stressful thinking I don’t now having to organise meeting/continue chatting online with them?

@Lovemusic33 sounds like you're reasonably comfortable with how he dresses currently. I suppose it comes down to making sure you're honest with him should your support lead to him wearing womens clothes more often and in situations you feel aren't appropriate and make you uncomfortable. He's entitled to wear what he wants when he wants, but if he wants you to stick around then he needs to consider how his choices impact on you as well

Like @Notcoolmum I'd be a bit more bothered about being introduced to his DD so soon. Difficult when he has her most of the time I'm sure, but he should be wary about introducing a new partner so soon and the negative impact this may have on her should it not work out.

Rather a long, self indulgent update coming, but I just need to write it down somewhere.

To recap my dates this week;

Mr Yo-yo- lovely date, an enormous amount of chemistry and physical attraction, but he's too hard work. He doesn't message unless I message him, which he either responds to straight away and we have a burst of conversation or he doesn't read it for days. He apologised for this on our date and said he does it to everyone even family. A lot of potential in some ways.

Mr Aussie- meh. No spark and his pictures or quite old. Won't be seeing him again today.

Mr W. We have been chatting for months during lockdown, he is... just lovely. Everything is so easy with him. He's a deep and thoughtful person and we chat about anything and everything. Our date was lovely, but it took a lot of hinting and then backing off for him to pull his finger out. As such, my spidey senses went in to overdrive (I thought he may not be single ) and today I told him exactly how I was feeling and asked him to explain things so I understood where is stand.
He's had a tough 18 months and before lockdown had developed some social anxiety which seems to have worsened during lockdown. He's also very paranoid about Covid. He admitted that when he joined fab it was just a distraction and he never intended to actually meet anyone.
Of course I am sympathetic to his anxiety, totally. And I'm now sure he is truly single.
But, I'm not sure where this leaves me, there's been no mention of a second date and I'm definitely not going to suggest one now, the balls in his court.

This leads me on to the stupid choice I made tonight which was to meet up with an old fwb. I just wasn't feeling it.
It's made me realise that I don't just want casual sex any more. I want something meaningful with at least the potential of developing in to more.

I want Mr W. Which is totally ridiculous, I've over invested in a seemingly unavailable man. And to top it off, a guy who I met on fab... a casual sex site.
I know the advice may be to cut contact with him, but I just done want to.

@30somethingandstillsingle that's not an indulgent post... my mooning over Mr Swan qualifies as an indulgent post.

You sound a bit like me, want the ones we can't/shouldn't have.

I've had zero dates this week! Yes zero! It's not been bad. It's given me time to chat slowly with the two irons. They are very different.

I've also indulged in the feelings re Mr Swan to try and get over it somewhat (#nevergoingto) I even made a Swans playlist.

@30somethingandstillsingle I think a good re reading the rules would be helpful. This is where lockdown has made things so tricky I think as we wouldn't normally talk for months on end without meeting. Chatting without meeting can create a real feeling of intimacy. But of course it's not real unless it's there in real life. Whilst relationships have certainly developed from fab, they seem to have evolved rather than started out that way.

What is good is that you now have a much clearer idea of what you are looking for. And that you feel ready for an actual relationship. That's a really good thing to know about yourself.

@30somethingandstillsingle its not an indulgent post.
Would you be interested in a second date with Mr Yo-yo if his messages were better.
Have you made it obvious to Mr W that you would like a second date with him. As he suffers with social anxiety you might have to make it crystal clear for him and then leave the ball in his court as to follow up on it or not.

I'm having a date night with Mr Smile on Tuesday but I have no idea what to plan. It's my turn and everything I want to do is still closed. Was thinking of seeing if I can book a table at a restaurant and go from there. He says he is happy/okay with anything.
I texted him last night to say I wish and wanted to see him more than once a week and he agreed while saying that we would see more of each other.
Going to probably have the exclusive talk with him on Tuesday.

Hi so looking for sex advice 😂

I said before that Mr R seems to have PE really early on when things become heated and kissing. Then we wait a while (focusing on me) and then have PIV sex. He is good in bed, he’s gentle patient and passionate and I am having a really great time as it’s exactly what I like 😂. I am one of those gentle stroking types not a hard banging type although that happens sometimes too 😂

He never finishes though, I suppose as he has already done once but then he does get very hard again and we end up stopping after a while with no end for him. Is it worth bringing this up, or better to go with the flow? I didn’t think it was right to bring it up the first time as he may have felt under pressure and nervous. I am keen to understand what he needs and likes, I have asked him and he hasn’t been very forthcoming as of yet. He’s definitely more of a giver and is a bit shy. I don’t think we are incompatible because we are having a really good time, but I think he has some issues perhaps he isn’t ready to talk about?

@Menora
I think you are so early on in your relationship that you should only bring it up if he does first.
Some men are really embarrassed by not being able to finish and you dont want to cause more embarrassment.

For men that dont cum it's normal for them to get a lot out of the whole sex session and not focus on their own orgasm.

Hopefully he will mention it soon and you can then ask more questions about what you could do.

If he doesnt mention it soon then maybe you could bring it up at an opportune moment.

Hopefully as he feels more at ease with you he will be more open.

Not all women are understanding about stuff and maybe a bad experience has put him off.

He does seem to get a lot out of it and it’s more about the intimacy than the end goal. It’s really fun and lovely and not awkward, I think I just feel bad for him a little that he might find PE stressful so I don’t want to make that worse at all! Thanks yes I think I will just carry on going with the flow and see if he says something