Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

Don’t send that text Dancer it’s too emotional and giving away more of your vulnerability IMO

Hmmm.... again isn't insisting on you being in a relationship a bit soon ? Arent you still just dating ?
In my honest opinion that text isnt giving him space. You are trying to on him down. And I get it !!! You are stuck in a horrible limbo but take the power back by giving him space, carrying on with YOUR life and if he decides to come back YOU decide whether you still want him in it.

Go @Dancerinthemoonlight 💪🏻

Has he even split from his wife/partner? Is he here making money to send back to his family? How long has he been here. Are you on his socials?

Pin him down....typo sorry

Yeah don’t keep leaving it with him to decide. I did this with Mr M it was a terrible idea he just said what I wanted to hear

@notcoolmum that's how he described it. I don't know if they were together or not at the time. He came to the UK to visit his brothers that are here and never went back

Was it his brothers you were going to meet and then he went without you? I bet his wife still thinks they are together and he didn't want his brothers to know about you. I don't trust him at all from your updates.

@notcoolmum I'm.on his socials and he says he has split from her. He has been here for 3 years

@clovertoast yes it was a relationship, even he said it was. He called me his woman, his girlfriend. We had spoken about a potential future together.

I'm going to need to think long and hard today about a text to send him and if he actually can support me/give me what I want

Dont text him! I know its hard but dont.
Dont ask him whether he can support you, or whether he wants you. Let him SHOW you. Let him come to you. Words mean nothing....
Get on with your life, act as if you are to together and he's already decided.
If he then comes back YOU decide.

Act as if you aren't together I meant

So he left his daughter when she was 2? He's really not sounding like a prince @Dancerinthemoonlight You really can do better. I agree with @Clovertoast you have known him a month. That just a few weeks. It's too soon to see this as a relationship. It was dating looking towards the possibility of a relationship. But do you even want that with a man who left his child to live on the other side of the world? What if you had a child with him? Would he decide to go on holiday to the Caribbean and never come back?! To me this is a much bigger issue than your family drama.

IMO you either text it and end it now or you just stop communicating with him completely. Don’t be asking him to make decisions and go over the same issue again

@Menora I'm not texting him. I'm worth more than this. If he bothers to get in contact then we will talk. If he doesn't then that is it. Messages threads have been deleted so I can't be tempted to message him

Agree with previous posters, he doesn't get to dictate the relationship.

Mr G and I had a wobble a few weeks ago, he told me something really big and he didn't feel supported by my reaction. When we got together to talk he said he needed a few weeks to think about things. I said I heard what he was asking for but that didn't work for me. It wasn't in my nature, it's not how I deal with things, I didn't believe that would bring anything positive to the situation.

Told him I was going to just be me and he could be with me or not be with me but I wasn't waiting weeks for him to decide that.

He very quietly took it on board and met me the next day and things are currently good.

@Dancerinthemoonlight have a good long think about what you want and what you deserve and if he isn't that then move on

@Dancerinthemoonlight, you must be feeling frazzled in every way. I think if I was you I would take a few hours out to myself and try to process what's been said. As ever people want to support you and are pointing out lots of relevant things to consider when thinking about the next step with Mr S. An adage I have used in my own life many times in recent years is ' if in doubt do nowt'. Take some time to process what's happened. Think carefully about what YOU want. I agree that from the outside that some things about his situation look like big red flags. And maybe his behaviour over the last couple of days looks less than ideal. IMO what he does next will reveal more about where his head is at. And then YOU can decide if what he is saying about going forward works for you.

Someone clever to do the new thread ? Don't ask me, I had to get a post deleted last night because I typed on here the reply I was sending to a whatsapp chat! Good job it wasn't too rude or revealing !!

Oh dancer,I feel for you and you need to be strong.
The fact he came over here and left a partner and small child behind thinking he would return beggars belief. This is a man who thinks of himself first and is selfish. I would even say cruel.
Take a step back and a deep breath. You haven't known him long enough to know this man and I understand as I always rush in,but you're thinking of him in rose tinted glasses as it's all new.
See what he says if he comes back to you but remember you need a strong man in your life,not someone who runs at the first hurdle.

You already sound stronger and more in control o@Dancerinthemoonlight go out and do something unrelated today and give yourself some time off thinking about him.

Also @dancemom you handled that amazingly. I can be a bit of a drama queen and can go for the 'let's take a few days' thing. Mr B is calm and tells me it's not how he likes to handle things and he would rather we talk whatever it is through. I think I'd probably hate it if he agreed. So I shouldn't say it anymore!!!

@Notcoolmum thank you

I'm not usually one to put my foot down about things, I'm usually laid back and the first to apologise to keep the peace in situations but I knew straight away that for my own anxieties and mental health I couldn't agree to that.

@Dancerinthemoonlight and just so you know, I know exactly how hard it is when you want to text them.
I haven't seen Mr P for 2 weeks as he has been on holiday with his kids. We have text every single day and always a morning and night text. Last night I didn't get one, nor this morning and straight away my stomach is churning and my mind is doing ridiculous things telling me he cant be bothered or something terrible has happened . So I do get it, feeling powerless is horrid x

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3980245-Dating-Thread-192-Rose-tinted-glasses-need-banning?watched=1

Just created a new thread as this one is nearly full