Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@notcoolmum yes she is 5. Cross post with me saying I actually wonder if he has told her or if he was just saying that and that she said daddy isn't allowed to have a girlfriend.
Of course I will never know the truth if he did or not and I only have his word for it.

I shouldn't have to explain it to him anymore, he knows what I am like from the happy times we spent together. If he chooses to throw that away because of one argument (I have had worse) then I'm worth someone more who can support me and see my worth.

#dancer .. please keep writing if you feel you need to. It must be feeling awful. I know the feeling well. Xxx

He doesn’t sound like he was love bombing you, but enjoying a relatively stress free, nice time with a woman he likes and getting to know. Very suddenly an intense unexpected event happens which shakes up all of the dynamics that you had known. The stress free fun vanished suddenly and life got serious. He may well not be someone who can take the rough with the smooth at all, and you will find that out. From his perspective this was not something he expected to happen or could know how it would make him feel so he’s gone to think about what it means for him. It does not sound like he deliberately is trying to hurt or deceive you. It could well be he is not up to the job of being in your life and you are better to know this now rather than in a years time. Most of us dating haven’t really had stressful events happen to us as a couple yet and we don’t know how we would manage them.

I agree keep on posting dancer I regularly fill up pages with my stuff it’s better out than in

dancer was he armed forces?

Hope you’re tucked up and chilling in bed btw - find yourself some random online stuff to watch.

My sleep routine is shot to pieces with random freelance stuff and a proper contract starting next month. Time to get my cleaning done

Well I have heard from him. A step back means to let things calm down. He is big on family so it was overwhelming for him, he has been through similar situations so knows how shit it feels and he thinks it my mum's reaction to losing me as I'm the youngest.

I have just said that I'm sorry he had to be in that situation and asked how long the step back would be for. I think that is an appropriate question because he can't expect to just keep me dangling on a piece of string forever.

@bunkbedpeople yes he is.

I suppose sometime today I will have an answer over how long a step back would roughly be for and what would the communication be like. I know he wouldn't be able to give an exact length of time but then I also don't want him stringing me along to them just decide in 3+months that he doesn't want to see me again. I have been there before and it did s huge number on my mental health

@Dancerinthemoonlight
I'm glad you spoke to him and hopefully you managed some sleep.

Hopefully the step back wont be for too long and if it is you know what it really means.

Maybe. But step back is a ‘dangle’ all the same. Ask for a meet up to chat. If he says no, then this isn’t relating.

@SortingItOut I didn't get to talk to him, he texted it to me. I just have to wait until he answers my response asking how long will the step back be for and what level of communication will there be

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Apologies for thinking you had spoke.

Why didnt he phone you? Something this serious surely needs a proper conversation (unless he was at work and couldnt get away)

Fingers crossed he cones back to you today and doesnt leave you hanging all day again.

@sortingitout he wasn't at work. I suppose it's just easier texting me than calling. Then he doesn't have to hear my voice or see my face so he can stay stronger.
I'm now just going to have to wait and see how long he means by letting things calm down. A week or so, maybe a month at the max but any longer than that and I don't think I would see him again. I also asked what the level of communication would be with a step back - is it just not seeing me or is it no communication at all.

Hopefully I find out soon as to me it's been dealt with. I'm not going to go into specifics here but I was dealing with it yesterday.

I know he is big on family and close with his family but surely he has to understand that not all families are close

@Dancerinthemoonlight how has your mum lost you? You have grown up not died. Your mum's behaviour is inappropriate and toxic and has been going on since you were a child. I don't understand his attempt to rationalise it by saying she has lost you. It shows a lack of understanding of the situation. I understand him being overwhelmed by it. But not how he has chosen to interpret it.

However it seems to me that stepping back would be good for both of you. I think you have been carried away by the intensity of the situation. Which is understandable, and it would be good for you to take some time to think if he meets your needs and, now you have seen a different side of him, if that works for you.

You have a lot on your plate with your mum and looking for a new job. Maybe you will decide a relationship isn't a priority.

I hope you can do something today to take your mind off it all. I know how mentally exhausting it is to be in this sort of situation. Remember you have a choice too. And you are less sure of things since his reaction to the weekend.

@Dancerinthemoonlight while I understand that he was thrown by the situation and maybe he needs a day or so to process it I definitely wouldn't be letting him step back for a week or a month. That's keeping you dangling and you deserve better this wasn't your fault. Not all families are the same and if this is the way he deals with things maybe he's not the guy for you

I’m glad you heard from him.
I may interpret stepping back as slowing down and not getting too serious too fast, ie dating and allowing you to deal with your family situation.

I just don't know what to think anymore. Why did he say he would see me Saturday and next Monday if he felt like it was his fault and that it was overwhelming for him.

His exact words were step back actually means to let things calm down. Things have calmed down. He hasn't said anything about if I'd see him in that time, as in going on dates and not staying over.
I will just have to see when he gets back to me how long the step back will be for and what the communication level will be like in that time.

I still feel so tired and empty. He gets a few weeks max because I can't be kept dangling for him to decide if he wants to continue the relationship or not

Hi All
@Dancerinthemoonlight you need to turn this round. You are letting him have all the power and control the situation. You can't let him decide when he's coming back, it will destroy your mental health. It's your situation with your mum. If he can't handle it then you decide if you want to carry on. It's not going to calm down, she's always going to cause problems. I think he's let you down and making it feel like you've done something. You haven't. You're an amazing person (all those talents, that dress! I still remember that) and if he's not going to take the whole package then screw him. Yes it was early for him to find out you have family problems but quite frankly we've all got baggage.
Give him a day. Then tell him he's not supporting you, you can do better. You'll be in control then. And it will certainly make him sit up. Don't let him leave you waiting over something which isn't your fault. And yeah, non SD hugs from non huggy me.

Agree completely with @unambiguousbeard. He is ending it in my opinion. He's asked for space and to step back. Fine, take the power back, let him have it and move on.

You haven't done anything wrong, but neither has he. As I said yesterday its early days still, you're dating, seeing if you fit. If he feel you don't then ouch but head up, move on.
I feel for you really I do. It's a shitty feeling.

I am not sure you both want the same things - stepping back sounds like slowing down and you want a relationship. If he’s not offering a RS then yes you need to take the power back here

@unambiguousbeard thank you. I think he thinks that his own life is so perfect with his family but it's not. He has a daughter he sees in person twice a year because he loves in a different country to her, fine they video call but I think he thinks he is father of the year for sending her stuff.
I have a lot of thinking to do today, I'm beginning to think he runs away from his problems. He left the Caribbean for a holiday and decided to stay over here - I don't know if that's what broke him and his daughters mum up or if it was something else. I don't see how any child would say that they only love their mum 10% and love their dad more when they live with their mum. Unless he is a Disney dad and buys her whatever she wants.
He invited me to go down to the west country to meet some friends but then said that it wasn't going to happen. Ended up going down there that weekend as apparently they phoned at just gone midnight and he didn't want to wake me up so just went down himself. That made me feel like I wasn't good enough to meet his friends when he knows I'm a rubbish sleeper.

Do you have an idea of a text I could send him, I will try and write one today in preparation for tomorrow.

So he has two daughters @Dancerinthemoonlight or the 5 year old lives in another country? Even stranger if that is the case he apparently told her about having a girlfriend. Did he move away from his daughter, or did the mum move away? It sounds like a lot of baggage for you. You are young and child free.

It goes sound like you want different things. But are you really sure you want a relationship with him seeing how he reacts to some things? The meeting his mates without you always sounded a bit dodgy. Can you think of any other things he said he would do and then back tracked on (for example weren't you going out for a meal and then it ended up you making a picnic?)

@notcoolmum it's the 5 year old that lives in another country. He moved away to the UK. His daughter and her mum still live in his home country.

Sometimes he would say he would see me on a specific day and then I wouldn't hear from him so he would see me the next day.
I have drafted this text to send to him tomorrow. I need to take control of the situation back and I deserve someone who will support me through everything.

Why do they always seem so lovely at the beginning

Just read your last post @Dancerinthemoonlight he went for a holiday and never went home? Leaving his partner and daughter?? 🚩

Agreed. Thats a lot of baggage for someone young and childless.
Maybe try and look at it that way too, you worry there is something wrong with you or that he wont want a relationship with you, well maybe he's not worthy of a relationship with you. You can go out and find better. I bet its out there somewhere.

Maybe you could say (I have drafted this quickly)

After taking some time to reflect on the situation, it has highlighted some communication issues between us. I have enjoyed getting to know you and the time we have spent together, and would have liked to continue that. It has not been made clear to me what is meant by taking a step back whether this is just taking time apart, or a step back from the direction our relationship was going. Either way, this is not the direction I am looking for in a relationship and it is not going to work for me. All the best for the future etc

Cross post @Dancerinthemoonlight all I would say about that text is you are making it his decision. You have identified he hasn't supported you through a difficult family situation; has been flakey about seeing you; made a promise to take you to see his friends and didn't see it through; left his partner and daughter whilst going on holiday; says weird stuff about his daughter. Do YOU want a relationship with this man?? You, a young and talented woman who is child free and has lots to offer?