Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

And what was he eating?

@cravingthelook I guess that maybe true re Hinge it is also a bit generic.
How on earth do you juggle all the irons and do you mind me asking are you into men and women ? I would struggle to find the time to date more than one due to childcare I think .
I d rather not pay as you tend to get the same faces on all the sites anyway

ha it was better than crispy pancakes. mines arent the best but these looked grim. he did say he was throwing them out and getting new ones (after I mentioned it) so maybe he'd decided to run them in to the ground lol.

bang it'll take a few days i guess when you've been used to chatting. i read a bit but havent got too far in yet.

Omg it looks like i may actually have a proper date again next week - you know, in a restaurant with food and drinks and stuff 😮 I now need to find proper clothes to wear for the outside world - that also fit 😆

Matched with an iron overnight, chatted today and he's already booked us a table as booking up fast in circs. We'll see if we make as far as that as its over a week away 😉

Gosh, an actual restaurant date @Slothmomma! That sounds both exciting and scary in equal measure

So I've done my Tinder profile...actually found a few men to swipe right for, even weeding out the no profile/ bitter/ shirtless/ looking for open minded women etc. However not much on the message front...one guy who doesn't have much to say other than how gorgeous I am (flattering but I suspect it's just buttering me up in hope of a ONS) and a couple of others who have said Hi...literally that's all.

I have sent 2 messages myself to guys who had something funny or that I really liked on their profiles... we'll see what happens. Overall doesn't feel like a bad start though.

@Msyoganidra32

It's ok to ask and yes, after I came out of my 14 year ltr/marriage I had the opportunity to re explore with a woman (Ms Jam) - I did at university previously. I am more attracted to men but I find women I am more likely to be interested in when we've made a strong mental/emotional connection. Ms Jam and I are close enough to tell each other everything, she had attraction to me from day one, it built over time for me. She is Polyamorous and talks to me a lot about it.
I've always felt I don't have a finite amount of love and had close emotional relationships with many people, even platonic friends.
I love my best friend more than anyone (bar my kids) and know I always will. I still hold love for people in my past. It's like with each love I meet I just have more. So to explore polyamory made sense for me.
Non monogamy isn't about sex for me, it's about me having more people to love.

An ex from many years ago (and one of my great loves) told me last year to be in a bubble with me is the most euphoric and yet the most terrifying thing at the same time.

We talked through a lot of things tonight, I've missed her terribly. I won't see her for at least 7 weeks now (she's going abroad).
After I dropped her off I sobbed, I will miss her, but during our conversations I'd held so much in (mainly because she's going away for a pretty heartbreaking reason and doesn't need it from me).

I sobbed because we both figured out (and she agrees its actually best just now) that I'm juggling so many irons so many that will never be right for me because they are to distract me from the heartbreak that I can't/won't process. I lost love, friendship, understanding, a part of my faith (long explanation) and a bit of my soul with Mr Swan. My username is cravingthelook because we used to communicate everything with a look. Somedays he'd take my breath away with just a look. Daft thing is he thought the rest of the world didn't see, oh they did. I want that look more than anything else in the world.

I guess I'm willing to juggle a thousand irons until I find it again. It exists, I've had it 3 times in my life. Whilst I search, I have Ms Jam and Mr Tea to give my care and hopefully love to and they give me theirs. (Mr Tea is also Poly btw).

I'm very aware I'm a messed up person, but this is how I manage the tsunami of feels I have.

Can't stop thinking now...

And I have to process why I got so stupidly hooked on Mr Music so quickly... it's because when he looked at me I felt it! I guess I pulled him into the bubble and it all got a bit much... actually I think he willingly stepped into the bubble

They always get me with a bloody look.

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed tonight so I'm sorry for all the spilling.

Checking in.
I hope you're feeling a little better today craving I could feel your upset when I read your posts this morning. I understand completely "the look" and even though I got very very lucky OLD meeting MrC so quickly I can appreciate how hard it is. I think the look signifies such a connection and that is a rarity. Also understand the distraction thing- occasionally it can work but I think the advice about finding yourself and living yourself before embarking on new relationship(s) is wise.
I'm still not sure how I feel about the poly/ethical non-monogamy thing after my date at the weekend, there's been lots of communication re feelings but I can't even tune in to my gut properly to work out what I want.
bang glad to hear there is a sense of relief emerging, that's definitely something to hold on to!

Hi all, I have date number 4 with Mr Surprises tonight. It’s going so much better than I ever expected it to.
I think things might move forward tonight into something more sexual. Texts have become really flirty and a bit x rated at times and 4 dates is the longest I’ve ever waited! 🤣😂 I do find him very attractive even though I chose him based on him being normal and average looking. It just proves that instantaneous attraction on a photo isn’t always the way to go.

So Mr PE who texted yesterday after 3 years told me he was back from Brazil (where he now lives and teaches) and wanted to spend his time here hooking up with me. I’ve told him no and explained I’m dating someone and he said that he didn’t mind if I didn’t 😂
He is an obscenely attractive and fit guy but my god was he shit in bed! I won’t be going there 😉

Morning all - could I have some advice please from you wise ones?

So, exchanging a few messages with Tinder chaps.

One has said he lives abroad but is moving to the UK 'soon' - I read this as potential scammer so am not going to respond to him any more.

Another I've had maybe 10 messages with. He's already said I'm his perfect woman, and now has said can we swap numbers...that feels a bit overkeen for my liking. If he'd asked for my email (I get that typing on Tinder is kind of a ballache) I probably would have said yes, but phone number just feels like overstepping a bit.

Should I trust my gut on these?

@ellifjg, I get pretty bored with typing messages back and forth when on the sites. How are you feeling from the messages that you've exchanged with him so far ? Are you genuinely interested or is this still a bit of ' testing the water' for you? I tend to suggest moving to whatsapp etc ( or agree to it if they have made the suggestion ) if I have decided that I definitely want to know more. Maybe give it at least today or a couple more days and see if his messages continue to be the kind you want to receive.

Morning everyone!

Hope everyone is ok and finding ways to still date. I try and catch up now and again but the thread moves as fast as ever so I'm not sure where everyone is at!

Things still going well with Mr Ad. I helped him move into his new place on monday/tuesday so he's out of my house after 3 months and back to being an hour away. It's all good though and I think we were both looking forward to getting our own space back. I like us missing each other and looking forward to seeing each other and there wasn't much of that when we were together 24/7!

Crazy to think that this time last year I was seeing Mr SAS and hadn't even met Mr Ad yet. We've just passed the 10 month mark

@cravingthelook I think you can't define chemistry with someone. I was talking to this person almost every night for 6hrs and I couldn't tell you why, we just had chemistry and it was so easy. He didn't treat me well in the end but I have wondered recently why I liked him so much. I think it was a closeness I hadn't had in so long.

@cravingthelook - i think when you're poly, you can also sometimes get those feels and chemistry more quickly, because you can feel less guarded. Because you don't have to put the weight of the person being the potential 'one' on the nascent relationship, you can just explore the emotions for what they are. This can be freeing, but it can also be very intense and overwhelming. NRE can be so great, but also pretty scary. (also, hello everyone...am a longtime lurker on this thread...hope my butting is is ok).

@ellifjg, it doesn't sound like you are in any way ready to move to whatsapp /phone with him. I would definitely want to know more, even if it's just the style and content of his messages.
@cravingthelook, I think some people find it a lot easier than others to chat/relax/ engage with new contacts. It sounds like you are someone who is instantly at ease or interested in people that you meet. I can be somewhat like this and it can lead to a false sense of connection or things moving too quickly ( in my case at least ) I also think that potentially you are filling up your life with new irons and dates so as to take your mind off what ( who ) you are truly missing. I did a very similar thing when my DH passed away. I was desperate to prove to myself that life would go on. I have very few regrets about the men that I met back then and some of it I credit with keeping my sanity. But ultimately everything is a process and no one can flick a switch on their previous experiences before moving on to new ones.

Thank you all.

I know I need to process the Mr Swan thing properly. It's stupid, we weren't ever a thing, we were best friends who talked everyday, were stupidly close and it freaked him out and he'd pull back every so often. There was this constant attraction that would fizzle and on 4/5 occasions he'd kissed me/started a conversation/something because it was bubbling over. He knew how I felt and so he'd stop and apologise. His body language screamed at me at times.
We were in a bad accident together and it just clarified how much I felt and I would be just friends forever if that's would it needed to be to have him in my life. Lockdown and over emotional stuff caused some disagreements and 43 days ago he said we just have to get back to our fun conversations I said ok, I've been waiting 43 days for them. Mr Jam told me he didn't want to try to be friends anymore, there was too much emotion attached. I'm grieving because I never got to feel the whole thing, because apparently the friendship was more important, yet I've lost my friend too.
We did all this in secret and yet everyone knew, they saw the way he looked at me, my reaction, his body language, the constant intensity. I'm dreading the full lockdown ending as I'm terrified of seeing him in person.

It's unfinished and I can't imagine not loving him. Only time will heal this one. One day I'll add him to this list of great loves that have gone but will always mean the world to me.

It was August last year, after the first kiss/physical intimacy and him proclaiming we are just friends that I downloaded the first app, I thought that it would make being friends easier if I wasn't craving physical intimacy too.

I am happy in myself, I just know have so much to give. I just need to get smarter at determining who is worth it to give to. So I'm forcing myself to slow down and think things through. Only 2 irons just now. They both seem lovely. Let's just see.

I took a sick day today and I'm still in bed. Thanks so much for allowing my spilling.

Just checking in with the thread. Really want some advice but scared to ask in MN on a separate thread.

I have written about Mr snake and how he’s a bit full on. He seems to have calmed down a little and I haven’t seen him all week, I might see him over the weekend but he has his dd with him. Mr Snake is different than anyone I have ever dated before, he has a few quirks which don’t really bother me but I know will bother others (including my family) if we were to get serious. We have loads in common and have a similar outlook on life but he likes to occasionally cross dressing, not full make up and heals but he does wear the occasional skirt (More like a kilt) and so either female clothes, he tells me he’s 100% straight (not bi), I’m very open minded and the clothes thing doesn’t bother me that much but there’s some situations where it would bother me a little (going to a busy place for example). I have searched old threads on here and some of the replies are awful, which is why I haven’t started my own thread. Has anyone on here dated someone who occasionally cross dresses?

@Lovemusic33 cross dressing in what sense and for what purpose? Is it he prefers the clothes, wants to look like a woman, sexual? Is he open to discuss where and when he would do this. Would he take your feelings into account?

In a festival situation, night club etc it wouldn't bother me. But Sunday lunch at my folks it would!

@Lovemusic33, I have absolutely no experience of this directly so I may not be of much use to you! But I guess you are feeling a bit unsettled about this aspect of Mr Snake and its potential impact on how others around you may view it. I think it's very early in your relationship to determine whether this would be something you could see yourself standing proudly by him in the face of others' attitudes. I think personally I would see how things go with him. If you like him and want to see how things develop then that should be enough for the time being. If how he chooses to dress etc further down the line causes you to worry about family reaction etc then by that stage it should be something you can discuss with him with an established relationship already in place.

You need to find out from him why he likes to cross dress IMO
Is it a sexual fetish for him
Or is it gender identity issues and would he consider transitioning
Or is it just fun not sexual and no intention to transition (then what is he getting out of it)

They are both different things you see
I know someone whose husband did this for fun but then suddenly transitioned with breast implants then changed their mind and transitioned back again!

I agree you need to talk in depth with him about this - why he does it, how long he’s done it, how it’s affected his relationships with family, friends and past loves, how he sees it developing going forward, how far it involves deceit or ‘hiding in the shadows’. my only experience is my best friend’s partner who has moved on from simple cross-dressing and is now a long way down the path to being gay and possibly transitioning.

Don’t be the ‘cool girl’. There’s nothing wrong at all with cross-dressing but what’s in it for you? Is it a positive in your relationship? Will it be?

my partner likes to play with gender presentation. he's quite feminine in many ways, and would generally broadly identify as queer, though his sexual attraction is predominantly to women (he has been attracted to some men in the past, though never had a sexual encounter...i feel like that might change one day, it's something he's working through and learning about himself slowly). I don't personally find it problematic, but i'm pretty open to most things and am also not attracted to very 'macho' guys either. I have known a number of men who play with elements of their gender expression, and none have any interest in transitioning - but most would probably query the existence of a gender binary and have some level of fluidity in their own identity.

It doesn't bother me at all. My friends are all a pretty open minded bunch so don't find it strange. My family would probably find it all a bit odd, but then there are quite a lot of things about my relationships that are equally - if not more - odd (having multiple partners for a start) and I haven't worked out how to explain any of that yet either. at the moment, none of it has been that necessary because none of my family are really that interested beyond whether I'm happy. And I'm happy to keep a separation between my family and my romantic relationships for the time being.

@cravingthelook I think you are going to find it hard to engage in dating anyone in a meaningful way whilst you are still very much caught up with Mr Swan. Do you think it's possible to be genuinely good friends when you are so physically attracted to him?

I've had the connection thing. And it has always totally swayed my reasoning. When things aren't going well there was always the 'aw but the connection...'. Sadly it doesn't compensate for other more mundane areas in a relationship. Which are definitely less exciting but also really important for a relationship to work out in the long run.