Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Just because your mum threatens to ring the police if you ignore her doesnt mean you need to give in.

You could ring the police and have a marker put on your file to say you are not missing and your mum is reporting it out of spite, make sure the police have your up to date number and then all they will do is ring you to check you are ok and report back to her that you are not missing and thats the end of that report.

If she keeps doing it they will look into things further with her as she is clearly unstable.

I'm so sorry your mum is like this, i hope you have the strength to go no contact or low contact.

@Dancerinthemoonlight as pp have said, hopefully he just wants to talk it through but if it's bad news then better to discover now, we all need someone who can support us with family troubles and if it's scared him off then you deserve better.

But yes, boundaries with your parent?

@Dancerinthemoonlight but also sympathies, that horrible anxious not knowing feeling is the worst 😔

@Dancerinthemoonlight I can’t add anything else to the excellent advice you have received already but I’m thinking if you. Try not to upset yourself, it may well not be bad news. If it is, like others have said, he isn’t the right man and it’s better to know now.

Thank you all for being so kind. He is in work at the moment, I texted to ask if he wanted to talk tonight or do it over text but he has read it and not responded so I presume he wants to talk about it tonight.

I'm going to try and have more boundaries in place. I'm trying to use my time today to update my CV, I have been self employed so it needs doing but getting a job with a company means a constant stream of income so I have a better chance at buying than spotty income. I will miss the freedom but hopefully the better income will give me more freedom in other ways

@Dancerinthemoonlight I agree with the others. Let your mum follow through for once, she'll just show others her colours.
Just let the conversation be what it will be with your iron, if he's right it will work out.

Mr Swan has been a great friend, in contact, helping with house viewings etc. It's been the best it's been in a while and I've been helping him open up and talk. I've waiting for the kicker. Last night he told me he'd started dating someone.
So essentially I've fixed him for someone else. Trying to keep my shit together but I cried all night.

My faith is thoroughly shaken. For various reasons but I swear I got close to him because I got the message to look out for him.

My ex is being a dick

I have two job applications in because work is just so hard right now (Mr Swan is also applying elsewhere). If you want to talk jobs @Dancerinthemoonlight I'm happy to

I put an offer on a house this morning trying to just think what is for me won't go by me. But the emotion attached to going it alone is getting to me too.

My best mate is all loved up with her new bloke. We normally speak daily, they are away (just up north) but she hasn't even answered texts since Wednesday. That's really stinging just now.

I'm just not feeling strong

I even reached out to Mr Music because I just want to feel good. We exchanged a couple messages but nothing different there.

Sorry for bold - don't know what happened there

@cravingthelook thank you for your kind words. I know if it's meant to be with Mr S then it will be okay, still can't help but worry though. I'm really sorry it hasn't worked out with Mr Swan and that he has started seeing someone else.
It would be nice to talk jobs.

Just sending good thoughts to anyone stressed on this thread.

dancer MN is great for support with difficult families - maybe namechange and get a separate thread for support specifically with your mother ? Sounds drastic but I found moving far away and NC was simply the only option for me to progress in life. If she gets the police involved like a pp said there's nothing to be ashamed about , just be honest and they'll have seen it all before. We're all here for support. Whatever happens you're a good loving person and (trust me ) you REALLY aren't the only one in this situation.

craving you've clearly put yourself out there and engaged with MrSwan and felt your strong emotions and lived your life rather than shutting yourself away and slowly thinking "what if", you should be proud of that. It may hurt now and that's part of the human experience but things will look very different in a few months time.

All very slow here! I'm actually having a "phone review" situation as I find the apps and WhatsApp aren't great for my mental health .

So I'm buying a cheap pay as you go and using that for dating contacts and keeping the iPhone for work and tried and trusted friends (not many).

Got two meets with new irons for this week and Saturday.

Was detecting a little bit of "meh" from my front runner so not meeting before he goes - I understand he's stressed and has a lot on but also I don't want the "mental load" of organising.

Good luck to anyone with new dates coming up .

I think the burner phone idea is an excellent one for staying sane when processing irons. Main phone is for real life and is with me constantly, burner is for all the craziness that OLD brings and gets switched off/hidden/handed over to next door neighbour when it all gets too much!

yeh tigerdater it it will be good to have days or evenings when I can restrict myself to "work and normal life contact only" and not bother with any of the intense emotional stuff . £12.50 well spent I hope!

@cravingthelook I'm sorry you're having a tough time at the moment, sometimes it just seems like everything hits at the same time I feel your pain with your best mate being all love up, it just feels like salt is being rubbed into the wound.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I do hope your fears are unfounded for tonight when you meet

@Bunkbedpeople what a great idea to buy a burner phone just for OLD, certainly something I'll consider.

My OLD/Dating life is a mess! Not strong enough to write about it all at the mo, oh for those heady days of being in a long term happy relationship!

And, just to add, how amazing you all are, always such empathy and good advice to everyone along with the happiness when things go right for posters. Thank you!

I have such a sinking feeling at the moment that he is going to break up with me. Apparently he has been thinking about it a lot and it was very troubling. He didn't want to say anything then because he knows the situation and saying it then and there would have made things more difficult than it already was.

I know there is nothing I can do if he doesn't want to see me again but it feels like I am being torn to pieces 😔

@Dancerinthemoonlight we don’t usually hug on this thread but my heart does go out to you ((((hug)))))

Is that what he has said to you @Dancerinthemoonlight? I would agree with him that the situation is very worrying but you can see how wrong it is and are going to put in stronger boundaries. If he can't accept you for who you are then he wasn't going to be your one. Hope you are ok.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

Ask him outright what this means, what is he trying to say?

Sending hugs dancer....what had he said? I'm so sorry things are so bad at the moment x x

He said he wants to take a step back. That he feels like it's all his fault. I was so blissfully happy with him and then she comes along to ruin it. I just feel like I'm not meant to be happy

What is he saying is 'his fault'? That he can't handle what he witnessed yesterday @Dancerinthemoonlight ?

@Dancerinthemoonlight
I hope you can get sone answers later, why does he think its his fault that your mum kicked off?

You are meant to be happy but you need sone boundaries in place with your mum otherwise she is going to ruin every chance of happiness you have.

I was meant to be going round my sister's yesterday but cancelled because I wanted to see him. So she kicked off about that and then other stuff

@Dancerinthemoonlight none of that is his fault as you made your choice on how to spend your Sunday. I don't think he believes it's his fault. You have an unhealthy dynamic with your mum that you need to change. But that's not his fault. What he needs to consider is whether he is ok to be around this situation whilst you make changes.

@Dancerinthemoonlight
Ok, i understand a bit more now but does he realise that if it wasnt you cancelling your sister to see him it would have been something else to set her off?

Hopefully he will see your mum has issues and you are going to introduce boundaries to stop it happening again.

@SortingItOut I have explained it to him. I have told him things that have happened that I never wanted to tell him. I got back I'm at work at the moment.
If he genuinely felt how he told me did then he wouldn't give up so easily, now I don't know if that was all lies

You're right @Dancerinthemoonlight

If he genuinely felt that strongly about you then he wouldn't let your mother and your issues with her put him off.