Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Dancerinthemoonlight he sounds lovely, kind, and accepting of who you are. I hope you can get therapy very soon and find peace - mothers cast a long shadow, I know only too well, and my heart goes out to you.

@Dancerinthemoonlight he sounds amazing and hugs to you dealing with such a difficult thing- hope you can sort therapy sooner rather than later x

@Menora and hope you are feeling less fear and more normal 😬

@frocksmock and @ZoZoBo thank you both. I was so upset earlier that I even called my dad and I don't really talk to him much but he seems much more understanding about things than my mum. I think she doesn't like that I have grown up and she can't manipulate or control me any more.
I had a very abusive and unhappy childhood. My dad was emotionally, physically and financially abusive - still is emotionally and financially abusive to a certain extent - telling me that I'm a disappointment, when I was a student and my loans came through he would always have run out of rent money and needed some, didn't put 2 and 2 together until a few years ago that it stopped when I left uni.
My mum is controlling, manipulative and a user. She tried drowning me in the bath when I was younger and used to drive away threatening to never some back. I suppose that's where a strong fear of losing people I'm close to comes from.

Mr S doesn't know the extent to what has happened to me but he knows some of it. I do feel very lucky to have him in my life and he is so kind and caring. We were talking about his daughter earlier and I joked that she would be able to date until she was 35 and he said erm no how about 60. He is very accepting of who I am and is the first person in a very long time to make me feel like just being me is good enough and that he likes me just for me and not because I can buy stuff or do stuff for him.

@Dancerinthemoonlight it sounds like you have good insight but a lot of hurt and trauma to deal with. I can identify with that fear of abandonment. I hope you're giving yourself lots of care and kindness. You deserve lovely Mr S in your life and I'm so glad he's supporting you.

I'm a bit broken today

I need a time out

Can someone please come and slap me and tell me that just because my message hasn't been delivered doesn't mean he has blocked me. Sometimes they don't get delivered for a few hours in the morning, I'm just fearing the worst today.

@cravingthelook I hope everything is okay and you find what you need from your time out

@Dancerinthemoonlight
The chances that he blocked you are very slim,maybe he has switched his mobile data off, he might have no signal or maybe he forgot to charge his phone - all of those would show as not delivered.

And if he has blocked you because of yesterday then you deserve better than him anyway

If you can still see his picture on whatsapp @Dancerinthemoonlight then as far as I know you are not blocked. Try not to let the unsettling events of yesterday affect you.

@SortingItOut I know that there is every chance that he hasn't been on his phone this morning and his phone is set to reset over night to clear out cashed data. He got rid of his profile picture yesterday and hasn't uploaded a new one so that doesn't help. If yesterday hadn't have happened I wouldn't be thinking this. I'm just going to have to wait and see

@Dancerinthemoonlight I can only imagine how anxious you feel this morning. I know it’s easy for me to say but please try not to worry

I’m so excited for my date today with Mr Technology 😊
We were both busy yesterday so only exchange a couple of texts, which I was absolutely fine about 😊 he sent me a screenshot of our lunch booking last night so woke up to that. It’s a fancy French place. No idea what to wear! The weather is vile. I was going to wear a summer dress but it’s not the weather. I’m off to trudge through my wardrobe to find something not to full on, weather suitable but worthy of a fancy restaurant 😂

@cravingthelook, has something specific happened ? If you need to get things out of your head share them with us.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I'm sure it will be fine, Mr G seems to have WiFi issues at his and it frequently looks like he has changed his WhatsApp settings to no longer show last seen etc then suddenly it appears again, used to give me massive anxiety but I'm used to it now

@cravingthelook are you okay?

@LivingMyBestLife2020, that sounds lovely. I'm sure you will find something sexy, chic and waterproof

@cravingthelook
Sorry missed your post as i posted at the same time.

Take as much time as you need, we'll be here when you come back.

If you need a hand hold please come back for some support

Well he has got back to me and said we need to talk about yesterday. It's really not filling me with that much positivity. No one wants to be with someone with added drama in their life 😔

@Dancerinthemoonlight there was nothing on how he reacted yesterday to suggest he would go to block you. Does your mum have a key to yours? What was she having a go at you about?

@cravingthelook has something happened with Mr Swan? Hope you are ok.

@notcoolmum no she doesn't. About anything and everything. I'm the scapegoat and get blamed for everything that goes wrong in the family. She is in a bad mood about work stuff she takes it out on me, she is in a bad mood because of my sister or brother she takes it out on me.
She is a user, if you aren't useful to her then she doesn't keep you around. She is controlling and manipulative.

He said he would come back last night after work but he didn't. Now I'm not even sure if he did get called into work or if he just texted someone to call him so he had an excuse to go. I will just have to see when we talk later about it.

Maybe set some boundaries with your mum. Don't let her in if you can see she's on one. Or that she has to call you in advance to see if it's convenient for you. Let us know how you get on @Dancerinthemoonlight

Ah @Dancerinthemoonlight you so don’t deserve this stress, I’m really sorry. Mr S sounds like a decent man and a grownup, he probably wants to talk through what happened to understand it better and to judge how he can help and support you.

Re your ‘D’M, have you considered NC with her? Just because she is your mum doesn’t mean she gets to treat you like shit.

@tigerdater I have considered it, I really wish I could but then she would take it out on my brother and I don't know if he could cope with it. I'm used to it because it has been happening for years. If I ignore her then I get threats of the police and if she knows I'm dating then it's threats of I am being held against my will or raped etc. It's just easier to let it happen to me so I can protect everyone else.

I dream about re-locating to a different part of the country or if I could buying her a house in Cornwall so I wouldnt have to see her often or ever again. Unfortunately neither are an option at the moment.

I'm going to try and use this as motivation to get a better job (although the job market is very tough at the moment) so I save quickly and buy somewhere that she doesn't know

@Dancerinthemoonlight
I'm hoping he just wants to understand the situation better, if you grew up in a 'normal' household where everyone got along then i expect it came as a shock to him.

I think he is Carribbean and people from those countries are very laid back so it probably came as a huge shock to have your mum ranting and raving at you for no reason.

If he can't see past what happened then he is not the right guy for you as clearly in the future you may need his support with similar or other things and it doesnt sound like he can offer that.

Please dont think the worst....my ex husband slashed the tyre on my new blokes van when he stayed at mine and i honestly thought that i wouldn't hear from him again because you dont get much more dramatic than that and i have limited contact with my ex as we have a daughter together so he will always be in the background but luckily new guy is still here because he knows its not my fault and i am doing my best with the situation.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I'd let her call the police. Then when it gets her nowhere she's lost that power. Don't answer the door if she turns up unannounced. Grey rock her. So you will see her but you set the terms.