Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

@Dancerinthemoonlight @bangheadhere40

Can I recommend

www.goodreads.com/book/show/23129659-adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents

I found it invaluable

@dancemom thank you. I will look into getting a copy.
I'm trying to stay strong and wait it out. I just feel like phoning and getting it over with. Why couldn't he have said a time or x number of hours. I just hate the waiting and not being able to talk to him

That would stress me out too, keep posting here and talking to try and distract yourself

Thank you I will check the book out too.

Waiting is horrible, could you call him?

Thank you I will check the book out too.

Waiting is horrible, could you call him?

Thank you...I will check the boom out too.

Aw waiting is horrible, could you message and say is now a good time or similar?

Sorry about multiple posts! 😬

I think I might text him later asking if he is ready to talk. I know it goes against everything but I just need to know. If he says it's over for good then at least I know and can try to delete our pictures and the pictures I have of him.

I don't know what I think I need to step back means when he was talking about when he was seeing me next yesterday, up to 30 minutes before he left and then when I was walking him to his car he was talking about maybe going away for a weekend. I can think about it and dissect it until I'm blue in the face and just not understand why he would say that and then that he thinks he needs to take a step back

@Dancerinthemoonlight, I know that it is mentally draining to be sitting there waiting and wondering, it's the worst bit for me.
I wonder what the missing word was after ' speak to you in a few. .... minutes ? Hours ? Days ? I guess the key question at this moment is why he's waiting to speak to you? I think general advice would be to wait for him to make the contact. Is it usual for him to leave it until later in the evening to chat to you? Can you recall anything he said he was doing ? I think the fact that he hasn't called is telling you that he needs time and a bit of space. He knows that there needs to be a conversation but at the moment he's not ready to have it.

@Dancerinthemoonlight I honestly mean this in the nicest way but I would try and go do something else. If a man says he needs space you need to give it to him.
I'll talk to you in a few is a deliberately vague sentence. He needs to think about stuff and thats fair enough. I know you've felt this amazing connection and it's been wonderful but in reality its only been a couple of weeks. He is still sussing you out, seeing if he wants to be with you, its still early days. He has every right to do that, just like all of us have a right to date and see if we fit people. If things come up that are not a good fit, or a red flag for us then we are allowed to walk away.
The speed that some move on this thread is always eye opening to me. It feels so risky to give your all so early.

It hurts. Its devastating but you have to let him decide. Give him the time. If he's still keeping you waiting in a day or two then you are absolutely entitled to take the power back and decide that it's over yourself. If he cant or doesn't want to be with you then you will find someone that does.
You sound lovely. Dont torture yourself.

I honestly wouldn't contact him in this circumstance @Dancerinthemoonlight

I think he has a lot to process and would benefit from some time to think. In other circumstances I might think it's best to just rip the plaster off but I think seeing your mum's behaviour yesterday, you being upset and what you told him today about your mum trying to drown you is A LOT to take in. And giving him some space is no bad thing.

I'm trying to stay strong and give him at least tomorrow to think about it. I need to know though as I can't stay in this limbo for long.
I know it's nothing I have done and that's what the most frustrating thing is. If I could go back in time and change things I would. I have explained it all and there isn't anything more I can do.
I don't know if it's all based on that or if it's to do with his daughter aswell. I just want to talk to him as everything seemed fine when he left and then suddenly changed this morning

@dancerinthemoonlight I'm sorry I dont have anything else really to add but wanted to say try not to worry.

will he be working tomorrow, so u will likely need to wait until evening? do u have things planned to keep u occupied? I know I struggle, I would have messaged him by now cos I'm rubbish.

@crazycatlady20 there isn't really much else to say. I'm just going round in circles. Yes he will be working tomorrow so I won't be able to ask if he is ready to talk until after 5.
I will go on another walk and cycle tomorrow. Try to job hunt even though I don't feel like it. Should cook as I haven't eaten much today but I don't feel like it

I feel like I need to move, there is so much here that reminds me of him. His milk in the fridge, my bed where we had sex yesterday - after she had come round and had a massive go, even my sock draw reminds me of him because I organised it while we were on a video call.

I'm giving it until after 5 tomorrow and then I need to know. I can't keep in limbo for any longer

I think the few comment was deliberate if I am honest, it was non committal for a reason

Not that this is a test I would hope, but I think it’s important not to message him tonight as it’s very raw and emotional and I think could make things more complicated. You shouldn’t need to keep trying to make him see your point or anything, you have not done anything wrong. He needs his space now to figure things out whether HE is equipped for a relationship not whether you are worthy of one - don’t base your self worth on the decision of any man when sometimes it comes down to the person themselves asking whether they are the right person in a situation, not whether you are the wrong person

@Menora you make some great comments on these threads 👏🏼

Well said @Menora. So sorry this has happened @dancerinthemoonlight. I wonder if he's keeping it all deliberately vague to fade out rather than face you. I hope he has more courage than that. This isn't your fault.

Yes. Give him a day of space. Some of us do indeed move very fast and therefore the realities are only made apparent after making ourselves very vulnerable. My impulsive man is a man who needs space to process I have discovered, but does come back. Truth be told I really don’t know the fella. It’s been 3 weeks only here. Give him a day Dancer.

Now I wonder if he didn't just text a friend to phone him to say he needed to get into work when I was out of the room getting a drink.
If he is just using this as an excuse and an easy get out of the relationship and that he was love bombing me.
I can't see how he would think that it was his fault. Not even say anything at the time and make plans to see me again. Just say it was okay and then all this today.
All I have is his word that he told his daughter and she said he isn't allowed a relationship.

I know what I would have done in this situation and it's not what he is doing. I would have tried to understand the situation and if I wasn't comfortable with it then I wouldn't have said when I was seeing them again.
Maybe if I hadn't have texted his good morning he wouldn't have texted me at all and just left it at that. I suppose I will know tomorrow evening when I ask if he is ready to talk.
@Menora you are right. The in a few is a very non-commital/vauge answer. I can't do any more to explain, if he genuinely felt the way he said he did about me then he would see past it and just support me in setting more boundaries in place.
I will get my answer tomorrow evening, if my message isn't delivered then I know the answer, if he ignores it then I know my answer because I can't keep feeling like this forever.

I think I will be taking a very long break from old after this.

We are all so different, some of us moved very fast in the past and got hurt then become closed and guarded, some people wear their heart on their sleeve and get easily hurt.

Men are just as vulnerable as women emotionally sometimes but they find it harder to talk about it or show it as society has made it seem ‘weak’. They can clam up. Which isn’t helpful to someone when they are feeling really vulnerable but you can understand taking a step back when things are difficult and assessing whether this is a step they are ready to take, whether they are compatible with the other person. Really try not to take this too personally because he only knows a fraction of you so far and it’s a lot for him to process.

The balance of protecting yourself and being open and honest is such a hard balance, I am 40 and only just learning how to do this (via a lot of counselling!). Emotional involvement is such a big step - you can think you are ready and then realise that you are not at all! I’m not always 100% sure of what I can or can’t handle, I sometimes know how resilient I am but sometimes I’ve panicked

I know it feels like you would have done differently but it’s always really hard when you are in the situation to know what you would do.

me personally I may have thought ‘I felt really uncomfortable and out of my depth and not sure I did/said the right things, now I am not sure what to do, I need time to think’.

My ex (DC father) once punched my dad in the face at a wedding reception after my DF drunkenly manhandled me. ExDP was really prone to instantly reacting to situations with aggression. I on the other hand tended to over think and get upset and not really know how to resolve things. As we have got older we have both learned to think more rationally and sensibly but in the heat of the moment we all do and say things we might regret or on an instinct and then often go and reflect afterwards, it’s ok to do that. Try not to get too angry with him yet

I'm older than Menora and still find it difficult. Reading the thread has helped me as it's often easier to see things more clearly when it's happening to someone else, than when you are in the midst of it all.

I do think there is a danger in going so fast. But I made the same mistake myself last year. Sometimes things feel so right and it's hard to be objective and remember that we don't really know people after a few weeks. Knowing someone takes a while. And seeing each other in different situations. How we handle stress. Interact with others.

Taking that risk can be scary even if we are being more cautious. There is always the risk of getting hurt. But I still think going more slowly and with caution is best. Especially if there are children involved.

@Dancerinthemoonlight it seems early for him to tell his daughter he had a gf, I think you said she was 5?

Do try and keep busy tomorrow. He knows the situation. And he knows how you have been the past month. Some great advice from the wise women on here.

He didn't need to make future plans with me if he was feeling that uncomfortable at the time.

It's certainly a lot to think about and unpick at the moment. I am starting to think I was being love bombed and he likes the idea of someone falling for him but not the reality of a relationship. I suppose I will never know for sure if he was or if he actually told anyone about me eg friends or his daughter.

Tomorrow will be the closing of a chapter in one way or another. It will either be the closing of our relationship or closing of the chapter of the first hurdle in the relationship.

Thank you all for putting up with me constantly posting today and I will update if/when we talk tomorrow evening