Dating Thread 191 - Daters Gonna Date

[JeSuisPrest]

Props to @HairyArsedMan for the thread title - hopefully we'll be able to start dating again normally soon - grabbing a coffee, drink, dinner whatever. I wonder how many hours walking around parks, we've racked up on the last couple of threads.

The Rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. Know your worth.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread. 11. Treat others as you'd like to be treated 12. Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with 13. The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future 14. OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy.

Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item.

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm going to call him later to try and talk to him properly.
I feel like giving up on everything. Maybe I'm one of those people who arent meant to be successful, or happy or find love.

@Dancerinthemoonlight to be fair it can be quite a shock to see someone embroiled in a difficult family situation. If he is thinking long term, he will be considering if that's something he wants to be involved in. I would definitely leave him whilst he's at work. And maybe even for a few days so he has time to process and think. When we meet someone we are assessing so many things. Are we attracted to them? Do we share values? Are our lifestyles compatible?

Perhaps send him a text after work to say you understand it was a difficult situation for him to be in. He just understand that none of the fault is his but you understand he might need some time to process it and that you hope to hear from him soon. I wouldn't force him to talk to you. Or bombard him with explanations as that may all add up to him feeling there's a lot of drama involved.

You are still young and have plenty of time to find love and happiness. If he chooses to walk away now it doesn't mean that he didn't mean what he said. But that the emotion and toxicity of your family relationships aren't something he can deal with. We all have our lines.

@notcoolmum I will have to respectfully disagree with you on that point of view. To me it doesnt mean that he didn't mean what he told me about his feelings for me because if you feel like that about someone then it shouldn't matter what their relationship with their parents is like. You are in a relationship with them not their family.

I will send him a modified version of the text along with asking him what taking a step back means

@Dancerinthemoonlight I honestly don't think it's that black and white. Certainly not in the early days. You are still getting to know each other and love isn't unconditional I don't think. Other than the love we have for our children. When my relationship broke up last year I was heartbroken. And felt it was me. There was something about me that meant he couldn't love me. I wasn't worthy etc. With hindsight and some distance I can see there were other things about our lives and his situation that meant it wasn't the right thing for him.

I hope things go better than you think when you talk to him. But please don't believe you aren't worthy of finding love or happiness. That not true.

@Dancerinthemoonlight

I agree with notcoolmum - you need to independently take care of your emotional health for the moment - I know it must hurt and not having a routine means it's harder to stay grounded.

The situation with your family sounds horrific and although I know it's easier said than done I'd be concentrating on detaching and aiming for a fresh start far from your mother . If you're financially independent and have some savings and are self-employed, is relocating an option ?

Take small steps first though.

Can you do some challenging exercise or go for a walk or run to clear your mind a bit? Post or vent here if you need to but don't message MrS.

I have done a 12km bike ride and a 15km walk today. I can't run because of an old knee injury.
Re-locating isn't an option for me at the moment. I have sent him a message saying that please believe me that it wasn't his fault, asking if we can talk and what does stepping back mean. If I don't get a reply then I suppose I have my answer.

I just feel so broken, empty and worthless at the moment. Everything was perfect and then one small thing seems to have ruined it. I suppose then if it has it wasn't as strong as I thought.

I just don't know if I can go through all this again. Opening up to someone, caring about them and believing them when they tell me they care about me. It always ends the same with me hurting.

I just wish I could explain it to him properly but if he doesn't want to hear it then I can't make him. I feel so alone in the world right now

I just got a text saying he will talk to me in a few. A few what I have no idea but it's better than nothing. I sent him back thank you.

I never wanted to tell him some of the stuff I have been through because it's stuff that no child should have to ever go through and I didn't want him to feel sorry for me. I didn't want him to think of me as weak or something but I have had to tell him that my mother hated me so much that she tried to drown me, to try and help him understand that I don't have the best relationship with her.

I'm really sorry @Dancerinthemoonlight that you are in this situation which feels very much not of your making. If I was in your position I would be feeling utterly frustrated that my relationship had been jeopardised by the actions of others. And I can imagine that you want to explain that to Mr S and get him to understand that you have an issue with how your mom behaves but you do want to do something about it.
The question is how best to approach that and I think notcool and others have the right idea. Try to hold your emotions together and explain that you understand how it may appear but ask him to trust you that you are going to address it. tell him how much of a connection you feel with him and don't want to lose that over something that can hopefully be dealt with. Explain that if you appear emotional that it's because you care about this not going pear shaped. BUT keep your dignity and try not to let your emotions overtake the situation. You have clearly already had a lot to deal with in your life. If Mr S is the right man for you then he will accept your situation and respect the way that you are trying to deal with it.

@onesmallstep67 thank you for the good advice of what to say to him. I'm now just waiting for him to text or call because he said I will talk to you in a few so it just depends on how long a few is. I will try and hold it together and explain it clearly to him. That I'm dealing with it/addressing it, that I feel such a connection with him that I haven't felt before and I don't want to lose it over something that can be dealt with.

Try not to contact him again now @Dancerinthemoonlight Leave him with some time to think and process. I'm so sorry you have gone through such awful things with your mum. It was a very big thing for you to tell him that your mum tried to drown you and it will be a big thing for him to receive. Did you say you were going to get some counselling? It definitely sounds like something that would be extremely beneficial for you.

@Notcoolmum I'm not going to contact him again. I'm leaving it to him as to how long a few is. I have been looking into it but can't afford it at the moment and there is a huge waiting list on the NHS in my area.

Aw that's a shame @Dancerinthemoonlight about counselling. Do you have friends you could do something with tonight to take your mind off things. Or a nice bath and book? Watch a film or box set?

@Notcoolmum I don't really have many friends, none that would understand. All the books I have are romance novels and I don't feel like reading any of them.
I'm exhausted but I know I won't be able to sleep tonight

@Dancerinthemoonlight, not sure if you are already talking to Mr S or still waiting but just wanted to say try not to do all the talking. Listen to him carefully because by getting him to talk he will reveal more of his feelings/thoughts than if he is simply having to listen to you.

@onesmallstep67 I'm still waiting. I will let him talk as much as he wants to and I will talk when he wants me to

I’m sorry you are feeling this way dancer

Also agree listen don’t talk
You don’t need to defend yourself here, that is not what you should end up doing. You are who you are and you want to move forward. You shouldn’t need to give reasons as to why things are the way they are, they just are that way. And you know you want things to change

Be careful how you word your feelings about this, you don’t want it to come across as though there is a lot of pressure on him to do or say anything. I did this with Mr M and he lied to me to say anything to stop me being upset, when he didn’t really mean what he was saying. I think he was trying to be nice but it made it worse

You sound like me dancer, emotionally awful parents, never been wanted and had to fight for it. Always been down..my mum is a nightmare too 😔 friendships have been difficult as I guess I feel I'm not very good.

You seem very switched on though and a lovely person....I really hope Mr S comes through but if something unrelated to him makes him run that's down to him not you x

One little tip about listening. Make sure you really do listen, too often we tell ourselves that we are listing but instead we are hearing a person talk but at the same time we are rehearsing our response while they are talking. Let him talk and really listen, keep calm, you don't have to respond straight away, just process what he has said and then respond.

The odd head nod and eye contact will help show your really listening.

@Dancerinthemoonlight you sound kind and thoughtful, a really lovely person. The awful things that happened to you are not your fault, the fact you came through them and are still so caring is a testament to how very un-worthless you are. You need to be in a place where you really KNOW that, and counselling will help you get there in time. Until you can access counselling I hope it may help you that, in every single one of your posts, wonderful is how you come across to me 💐

@bangheadhere40 I'm sorry you had a similar childhood.

I feel like I'm just sitting here waiting for a text or a call. I don't have a clue what in a few means. I want it to be sooner rather than later.

Before he left he said he would still see me because I asked if it changed things between us. He said he would see me Saturday and next Monday and now this. That he thinks he needs to take a step back. What does that even mean.
I just want him to phone now and get it done with

@TigerDater thank you. I really wish I didn't care at times because it would mean that I wouldn't get hurt again.
I know I need to give him time but it's killing me not knowing what he is thinking of feeling. What he means by he thinks he needs to take a step back. I don't have a clue how long in a few is

#dancer .. I am so sad this has happened today. Please stay on this thread. Half of us are awake small hours and will talk through anything you want. My ex husband cited my family as a good reason not to get back together and recently asked me to choose.. my mother is not at all straightforward. A great great shock that this man has walked straight out of what was a developing trust between you. Mr Wales does know about the issues I have with my family, but is as yet not fazed. Simply encouraging. I just hope your iron can see beyond your mother. He may well need a day to think but no longer to ignore you.

These dating relationships are absolutely fraught. I really have been a big headache for Mr Wales. Upset him even. I am hugely encouraged that he still wants to keep plans. Perhaps (as I have done) we go in too hard. Should we not spend more time on the ground.

Says the most impulsive person out. Xx

It's been nearly 3 hours since he said he will talk in a few. Goodness knows how long a few is. I'm trying to keep distracted but find myself keep checking to see if he is online as he has his last seen turned off

With all our chats in mind I did decide today after some surprisingly sage advice from my mother that regardless of what’s happened the last few weeks I am going to take dating way more lightly. Even the chap I am seeing now. No way can we possibly know someone after a few weeks. It is lovely company right now, but in childcare holiday so feeling the pinch. I’d like to try an approach of just going out rather than he’s going to be me life partner.