Handed notice in on flat without properly consulting boyfriend.

[Elleinad93x]

Me and my partner haven't got along very well in a long time. We have hideous arguments, he has a horrible temper and will throw things, break things, call me every name under the sun. I've wanted to leave for a little while but due to everything going on with COVID, I haven't been able to.

Yesterday was the final straw for me. He came in drunk, started yelling at me, despite that I tried to get him up for work etc but he wouldn't. And then when he did eventually wake proceeded to tell me why didn't I try harder to wake him up, why was I such a sour faced cow, an evil bitch. I was so hurt especially as all I'd done when he had come in was try and get him in to bed yet he'd been so rude to me. I told him I was done. And in that moment I emailed our estate agent and told them I was handing in the notice.

A couple of hours later he called me apologising, but I told him I was still going. When he got home I told him I'd put the notice in on the flat and he was fuming (understandably I suppose). I have a few options where I can go but really he does not. I now feel guilty that I didn't discuss it with him before hand, it isn't fair that I've taken his home from him without consulting him first but I know if we sat down to discuss it, he would never agree.

I can't be here with him anymore. I'm jumpy, the slightest loud noise literally makes me jump out of my skin and I believe that is because of him. He intimidates me and I cannot discuss anything regarding our relationship with him because anytime I do, I am accused of just trying to cause an argument. I'm scared to tell my family, they love him and would never believe the other side he has to him. They will be angry too that I've just done it. Please can anyone offer any advise?

I obviously wasn't thinking rationally when I emailed the estate agents because I was upset, but I know I need out of this situation. I am the lead tennant on our agreement and they've already said he cannot stay as he doesn't meet the affordability requirements. I don't want to leave with my name still on the lease as I'll be liable for any damage or rent he doesn't pay.

Tell him if he wants to stay he needs to contact the estate agent himself and retract it, but have you taken off the tenancy, when you have left call them to ensure he did it.

Sorry missed your bit about his affordability. Really he isn't your issue, he is an adult and will have to sort himself out.

Do t feel guilty for him. He's (allegedly) a grown up and will just have to sort himself out. If that means he sofa surfs for a bit, that's not your problem.

Where he goes isn't your problem. Don't be daft and base your actions on him or your family. Your family don't have to live with this abusive arsehole. Tell them if they feel so badly for him, they can pay for him to rent a flat.

I am the lead tennant on our agreement and they've already said he cannot stay as he doesn't meet the affordability requirements. I don't want to leave with my name still on the lease

Your relationship can't continue, you have your answer. He's a big boy, let him feel the consequences of his actions and get out before he really drags you down.

You’ve done nothing wrong. You need to leave and you’ve taken the logical step of cancelling your contract so you can do so. It’s his problem that he won’t have anywhere to live, perhaps if he hadn’t been an abusive twat you could have both stayed in the flat. Too late now.

Have you ended the relationship? Assuming you have, what does he think should happen?

He sounds awful.

You've made the right choice. He's an adult and needs to take responsibility for his actions.

It's not up to you to be responsible for an ex. He needs to deal with the consequences for his bad behaviour.

Not your problem. He shouldn’t have been a dick to you, you are able to end a relationship at any time. He couldn’t stay without you so it’s a consequence of ending the relationship, can’t be helped.

I obviously wasn't thinking rationally when I emailed the estate agent

Oh my dear, you were doing the most rational, wise and best thing you could possibly do. You don't want to live with him and you really have to get away from his abuse.

So you've done the worst part. You've already done it! What he does or where he goes in NOT your concern.

his housing needs are not your problem. vacate the property when your notice expires and look forward to the rest of your life without him. you do not owe his subsidy for a lifestyle he can't afford without you.

I suspect your family won’t be as surprised as you think when they find out you’ve left him. People pick up on things.

I agree that you are doing the right thing here. He does have options if he wants to find a place. Like others have said, he’s not your responsibility.

He will find a house share, a cheap room to rent

Well done for leaving

I now feel guilty that I didn't discuss it with him before hand

He didn't deserve it, he acted like an abusive wanker and not for the first time by the sounds of it.

I'm scared to tell my family, they love him and would never believe the other side he has to him.

That's their problem. You know the truth because you have actually been in the situation- they don't.

I obviously wasn't thinking rationally when I emailed the estate agents because I was upset

You can be upset and still make the right decision. Sounds like you have to me.

And when you leave an abuser you don't properly consult them.

Consultation with an abuser is highly dangerous and opens the door for them to manipulate, punish and abuse more. Really honestly do you think if you'd asked his opinion or warned him of your plans that he'd suddenly change?

Repeat ‘we have broken up, your housing needs are your problem.’

If he wants to rent the house, he can. He can apply to the estate agent in the normal way and see if they accept him as a a standalone tenant. And if they don’t because he can’t afford it... then surely he’s not expecting you to fund his accommodation after you split up? Or how else is he expecting to pay for it?

You have done absolutely the right thing - I also agree you will surprised what others think but assuming they love him not your problem you don’t need to live that way.

He'll need to move somewhere that he can afford.

He is abusing you, frankly he can do one as you owe him nothing. Hold your head high, walk out and walk away. You can do this.

You are not his mommy. Let him sort his own housing. If he wants to stay there, he can contact the letting agent and get the rental put in his name only.
You need to get out and away before you have a child and are trapped into a lifetime contact with him.

He will get sorted. You did the right thing and acted because of fear and instinct. Be glad you are brave enough.

I hope your family support you but abusers are so covert that they can be believable. Don't doubt yourself though. If you were my daughter I would want you out and I would believe you.

Well done op. You’ve totally done the right thing. You don’t need to waste a minute more with this abusive vile man.
It doesn’t matter what anybody else thinks. This is your life and you deserve to be happy and at ease.

Well done OP. Don’t, whatever you do, retract your notice. You know you want to leave this horrible man, so just do it. It really is not going to get any better.

As others have said, his housing is about to become his problem.

He's abusive, please don't listen to anything he has to say or let him make you doubt yourself.

Can you leave now? Staying till the end of the notice period seems a bad idea to me. I think you need to get out asap for your own safety.