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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Handed notice in on flat without properly consulting boyfriend.

153 replies

Elleinad93x · 27/06/2020 23:18

Me and my partner haven't got along very well in a long time. We have hideous arguments, he has a horrible temper and will throw things, break things, call me every name under the sun. I've wanted to leave for a little while but due to everything going on with COVID, I haven't been able to.

Yesterday was the final straw for me. He came in drunk, started yelling at me, despite that I tried to get him up for work etc but he wouldn't. And then when he did eventually wake proceeded to tell me why didn't I try harder to wake him up, why was I such a sour faced cow, an evil bitch. I was so hurt especially as all I'd done when he had come in was try and get him in to bed yet he'd been so rude to me. I told him I was done. And in that moment I emailed our estate agent and told them I was handing in the notice.

A couple of hours later he called me apologising, but I told him I was still going. When he got home I told him I'd put the notice in on the flat and he was fuming (understandably I suppose). I have a few options where I can go but really he does not. I now feel guilty that I didn't discuss it with him before hand, it isn't fair that I've taken his home from him without consulting him first but I know if we sat down to discuss it, he would never agree.

I can't be here with him anymore. I'm jumpy, the slightest loud noise literally makes me jump out of my skin and I believe that is because of him. He intimidates me and I cannot discuss anything regarding our relationship with him because anytime I do, I am accused of just trying to cause an argument. I'm scared to tell my family, they love him and would never believe the other side he has to him. They will be angry too that I've just done it. Please can anyone offer any advise?

I obviously wasn't thinking rationally when I emailed the estate agents because I was upset, but I know I need out of this situation. I am the lead tennant on our agreement and they've already said he cannot stay as he doesn't meet the affordability requirements. I don't want to leave with my name still on the lease as I'll be liable for any damage or rent he doesn't pay.

OP posts:
SnowsInWater · 28/06/2020 02:46

Congratulations for being brave enough to leave an abusive relationship. Your boyfriend will now learn that bad behaviour has consequences, where he lives next is not your responsibility. Stay strong!

Original poster
Elleinad93x · 28/06/2020 07:16

Thank you all so much for helping me confirm I've made the right decision. As I did it at whilst I was so upset I wasn't sure I'd morally done the right thing. I don't know why I'm here still worrying about his feelings after everything he's done. He's being super lovely to me this weekend, trying to get me to take it back. He is so good at guilt tripping but I need to stay strong and remember this WILL happen again, if I were to take the notice back things would go back to normal.

OP posts:
Charles11 · 28/06/2020 07:48

The being super lovely is all an act. You are right - he will do it again. And again. And again. If you were still sticking around.
Stay strong.

MonsteraCheeseplant · 28/06/2020 07:54

Congratulations! I think you did a brilliant thing sending that email. As others have said, he is an ADULT and his housing issues are NOT YOUR PROBLEM. He can arrange something else himself.

Look forward to having your own space with none of his moody, rude, abusive shit ruining your lovely new home. Heaven. You know you did the right thing.

Starlightstarbright1 · 28/06/2020 07:56

Yes expect another switch again when it doesn’t work.

I think you have seen him for what he is abusive people aren’t vile all the time

KingofDinobots · 28/06/2020 07:58

Good grief, you don’t need to consult somebody before deciding to leave them.

He’s obviously done a number on you to make you doubt yourself so much.

Are you safe? Do you think he could turn violent once he realises you’re really leaving? I just wonder if maybe you could leave early.

You have definitely done the right thing giving notice.

stillfeelingmad · 28/06/2020 08:00

Can you take your stuff and go before the notice period ends? I was with someone very similar, he is likely to get worse as the notice period expires.

You could be very honest with the agent and landlord, he is abusif and your leaving ASAP.

You might lose your deposit if he trashes the place but it's a risk worth taking. I'm a landlord now and if knew what was going on I would do everything in my power to help you

Lozzerbmc · 28/06/2020 08:03

You’ve done the right thing. He can stay in the flat its his issue to sort whether he can afford it and if not he can go wherever. Not your problem. Move onto a better life! Dont allow him to persuade you otherwise he will never change its just a game to him

NeedToKnow101 · 28/06/2020 08:11

I agree that it's highly likely he'll become more abusive, and maybe violent, next time he gets drunk, now he knows it's over. (My ex did, after months of threatening me and kicking me in bed, he came home and hit me after I'd told him it was over.)

Can you either, move to family ASAP while he's at work, or get him out (with a friend there) before the notice period is up? Or even both, temporarily changing the locks so he can't get back in.

category12 · 28/06/2020 08:11

You did the right thing. Stick to it.

If he turns back to nasty, get out of there.

PicsInRed · 28/06/2020 08:30

You did the right thing. The rational thing.

Why would you consult with him? You're leaving because he's abusive and you need to protect yourself financially from him not paying the rent (and he wouldnt, believe me) and the landlord coming after you for the debt.

Do not change your mind. Make sure you have a fianl inspection and get all the final paperwork - even if he claims they're putting it in his name. Thats nothing to do with you - a totally different tenancy. Properly finalise YOUR tenancy before you leave.

Do not go guarantor for him.

And don't give him money (or a place to stay). You're leaving because he abused you. His problem.

PicsInRed · 28/06/2020 08:32

Yeah, he's lovebombing because he knows hes gone too far with the abuse too fast about to lose you.

Be glad you don't have kids with him. He'd torture you (and the kids to get to you) forever.

Justyouraveragehuman · 28/06/2020 08:39

He isn’t your problem OP, he needs to get his shit together. He should abuse you like that. You definitely did the right this, you should be proud of yourself!

gamerchick · 28/06/2020 08:44

Do you have to stay there? You're in a really dangerous position right now, he's not going to keep up the super nice act for long. Is there anywhere you can go?

You did the right thing, if he can't afford to stay there, would they have chased you for the rent if you just left?

QuietlyWilting · 28/06/2020 08:44

Well done on saying enough is enough, the sooner you get out of there the better. Make sure that you take your name off all the utilities etc too in case he does wangle a way to stay there.
Also I would move anything valuable/sentimentally precious out of there now, to friends/family in case he goes into a rage when he realises you are not changing your mind.
TBH if it was me I would pack and go now, stay with a friend until you sort out somewhere new.

RandomMess · 28/06/2020 08:47

I'm sure he can afford to go into a house share!

If he gets so aggressive towards you again that you are frightened please call 999 and have him removed. Refuse to have him back, I am concerned that he may get violent.

Thanks
heyheyho · 28/06/2020 08:48

I think you were out of order personally. Imagine if this was a man who had put notice on a flat without telling his girlfriend when he knew she had nowhere to go and couldn’t afford it. There’d be uproar and rightly so

Original poster
Elleinad93x · 28/06/2020 08:48

Thanks guys, I'm so glad you're all so supportive. 😊 I know he will ask me again tomorrow to contact the estate agents, I feel like he's trying to avoid saying anything about it to me so I think he's just being nice and not trying to change my mind.. he honestly thinks I can't see straight through him.
When he asks I'm going to tell him I haven't changed my mind, I know at this point he will get angry again which I feel nervous for. I'm working from home at the moment which at least gives me time to pack my stuff up if needed and I know my work will be supportive.
I'm just worried about silly things like furniture etc, I want to get rid of everything and make sure the flat is not left in a horrible state. If I leave before then it won't get sorted and it shouldn't be left to the estate agent to have to sort. I guess I need to have a conversation with them about it all if it comes to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elleinad93x · 28/06/2020 08:50

@heyheyho

I think you were out of order personally. Imagine if this was a man who had put notice on a flat without telling his girlfriend when he knew she had nowhere to go and couldn’t afford it. There’d be uproar and rightly so
Even if she was absolutely vile to him and his mental health was seriously suffering? Why should it make any difference if a male did it to a female if she were abusing him?
OP posts:
Takingontheworld · 28/06/2020 08:52

He needs to leave now. You cannot continue like this. Did you want to stay in the flat?

Send him on his way OP. I can feel how tense you are in your words. You can do this

Original poster
Elleinad93x · 28/06/2020 08:52

@heyheyho

I think you were out of order personally. Imagine if this was a man who had put notice on a flat without telling his girlfriend when he knew she had nowhere to go and couldn’t afford it. There’d be uproar and rightly so
What other option do I have to get out without remaining liable for the rent,damage etc? As he 100% wouldn't have agreed to split amicably.
OP posts:
Takingontheworld · 28/06/2020 08:53

Ignore heyheyho. Apparently you should just keep paying to house an abusive man? He can sort his shit out. People are incredibly adaptable when faced with real adversity. He will find somewhere to stay, of course he will.

gamerchick · 28/06/2020 08:53

I think you were out of order personally. Imagine if this was a man who had put notice on a flat without telling his girlfriend when he knew she had nowhere to go and couldn’t afford it. There’d be uproar and rightly so

There really wouldn't. Abusive people deserve what they get. Male or female.

Honeyroar · 28/06/2020 08:53

You sound very sensible and strong. Stay that way. You’re on the way to a much better, safer, happier situation for yourself. It’s his behaviour that’s got him in this position, it’s completely his own fault. He’s got nobody else to blame.

Dozer · 28/06/2020 08:57

Don’t go back on this decision, get away from this abusive man.

If it’s safe to do so, stay until the notice period is up to minimise damage/dirt that your landlord would deduct from your deposit. Unless your ex paid the whole deposit or you can afford to write it off.

His housing is not your problem, and he’s had notice to sort something out.