Handed notice in on flat without properly consulting boyfriend.

[Elleinad93x]

Me and my partner haven't got along very well in a long time. We have hideous arguments, he has a horrible temper and will throw things, break things, call me every name under the sun. I've wanted to leave for a little while but due to everything going on with COVID, I haven't been able to.

Yesterday was the final straw for me. He came in drunk, started yelling at me, despite that I tried to get him up for work etc but he wouldn't. And then when he did eventually wake proceeded to tell me why didn't I try harder to wake him up, why was I such a sour faced cow, an evil bitch. I was so hurt especially as all I'd done when he had come in was try and get him in to bed yet he'd been so rude to me. I told him I was done. And in that moment I emailed our estate agent and told them I was handing in the notice.

A couple of hours later he called me apologising, but I told him I was still going. When he got home I told him I'd put the notice in on the flat and he was fuming (understandably I suppose). I have a few options where I can go but really he does not. I now feel guilty that I didn't discuss it with him before hand, it isn't fair that I've taken his home from him without consulting him first but I know if we sat down to discuss it, he would never agree.

I can't be here with him anymore. I'm jumpy, the slightest loud noise literally makes me jump out of my skin and I believe that is because of him. He intimidates me and I cannot discuss anything regarding our relationship with him because anytime I do, I am accused of just trying to cause an argument. I'm scared to tell my family, they love him and would never believe the other side he has to him. They will be angry too that I've just done it. Please can anyone offer any advise?

I obviously wasn't thinking rationally when I emailed the estate agents because I was upset, but I know I need out of this situation. I am the lead tennant on our agreement and they've already said he cannot stay as he doesn't meet the affordability requirements. I don't want to leave with my name still on the lease as I'll be liable for any damage or rent he doesn't pay.

OP, it isn't so much ungrateful but a tactic to lower your confidence so that you stay with him. Deep down he knows he is not a good person and you are worthy of more so he just abuses so that you feel unworthy and trapped.

The more you give to a person like him the more they have contempt for you. It isn't rational so you won't be able to truly understand it but trust that he can't change and will be the same to the next person.

This evening has been difficult. I don't know how to act. Stay in a different room and keep my distance or carry on like nothing is going on. He didn't mention anything until he started asking if we could have a drink together at the weekend because it 'could be the last time ever' as if it is all a joke to him. I started getting upset, because I felt upset that he didn't care we were over. But why should I be?! Then he started telling me hes going to ask my stepmum if he can live at theirs (they have a little flat above their garage). I will be so upset if they agree to that, I want him out of my life for good.

You are doing really well. He’s just pushing whatever buttons he can to get a response. How long until you can get out of there? Can you go and stay at your stepmum’s until your next place is sorted?

Shouldn't be an abusive dick then should he.

You need out, you need a clean break so not leaving him there on your tenancy agreement. We'll done for getting out

Thanks guys. The support honestly means so much right now. I've got myself in a right state now, I don't even know why. I feel like I'm still craving the attention he never gives, or shows that he even cares. Hopefully I'll feel better in the morning.

As PP have said he is not your problem. If he is working or even on benefits he almost definately will be able to rent a room in a houseshare/house of multiple occupation.
I would suggest that too him, so he can start looking, but otherwise he is not your problem. Its easier said then done I know, when I left a ex many years ago I really struggled to not feel responsible for him, but the sooner you realise he is not your responsibility and that he is a grown adult, and that ultimately his actions brought this on himself, the easier it will be for you

You are not his mother!
Remember that. Consequences for his own actions are NOT your responsibility.

The way he got mad and the said sorry cause he didn't get up? Ridiculous.

You will miss him and you will have moments of upset over him but that's more because your use to him, a pattern but in time you will find a respectful dp! A Man or Woman but this dp is a child.

You had enough remember that as well, remember that feeling and keep living forward

When it comes to your Dad, if you told him he threw a glass at you, punched chairs with you sitting in them, called you horrible names, all the rest, do you think they’d still think he was lovely and let him stay?
Don’t be embarrassed to tell them, sounds like he has everyone fooled.
I hope your Dad is good and you can tell him before he can go to them with his lies.

You're doing really well. Don't give in to his demands & manipulation. You're not obliged to provide him with housing. It sounds like he needs to get himself sorted out in general. You're not obliged to assist him with that, either. Perhaps he should have thought of that before acting like an entitled arsehole.

Stay sleep in different room.
Yes ignore him.
How dare he! You must tell your stepmum what been going on so that they refuse him the flat. You could have snap back him in his place-Ha wait I tell them how you treated me. No way you not family.
Can you move into this flat ASAP even just temporary?
This look like a test on your reaction that it must be where he think you moving to. As no response from you he gonna nab it from you as he now know you still haven't spill the beans on him to them.

Please tell your father exactly how sbusive he has been and ask him NOT to give him accommodation as you want to move forward.

You can log your number with 101 so if you feel threatened they will come quickly.

Take those photos.
If he thashes the place you will have proof.

You are very brave.
You have a great future beyond this nasty twat.
Stay strong and get support IRL.

Girl you need to start playing this smart & take control! It’s hard but you’re halfway there with the grey rock method.

The next step is agreeing with them in a confused, unsure manner - this will really help when he is being difficult

Eg:
When he brings up asking your step mum about moving into the garage at
your dad’s place-

THE BEST REACTION IS - look confused, shrug & say “ok, sure if that’s what want, whatever makes you happy...I mean, it’s not something you hear often, people breaking up & going to live at their ex’s family’s house! I mean, when you said it at first i thought “how odd ! Who would want go live at their ex’s family after you break up?” But if it works, it works. Good for you for not caring what others might think! I can talk about it with my dad if you like??”

1. this will throw him off balance with his threats - he is threatening to use your stepmother (his boss? ) as leverage. Clearly blind Freddy can see what a ridiculous suggesting it is to actually want to move in with your ex’s family after a split - WHAT A LOSER! But instead of telling him he is a loser, let your confusion & friend agreeableness at his suggestion allow him to decide for himself that is a silly idea

2. should he still wish to pursue this ludicrous suggestion it allows you more time to speak with your father, so he is offered the opportunity to be understanding your side of this situation. JUST TALK TO YOUR DAD - tell him everything - tell him that your ex has decided he plans to move into his house and you understand he likes him & you don’t want to disappoint him, while it will make you feel super weird & uncomfortable you will respect his decision

Because I bet my bottom dollar if your father is a decent man & LOVES YOU, HIS OWN DAUGHTER he will never agree to such an absurd idea. He may also take exception that your ex would even suggest this, it’s arrogant & inappropriate to assume you can just shack up at anybody’s house - especially when it’s your ex’s family’s home

MORAL OF THE STORY - agree with him, appear vague/uncertain yet seemingly agreeable and then do what you want anyway

It will work because it diffuses tension & they get an unexpected reaction from them, which confuses them.

This kind of approach can work wonders in situations surrounding who leaves the home, who does the final house clean.

If you adopt this strategy you could encourage him to leave the house early & leave you stuck with the final house clean - eg if you were to act like you assumed he would be partaking in the final house clean up or that you want to leave early, it is entirely possible this would encourage him to want to leave early & you would get the last few days alone to clean which is what you wanted all along

You must start to play him at his own game. This will keep you safer from his rages, I feel. In my experience these types rage less when you seem confused, brain in the clouds, feeling overwhelmed etc. because they are used to assuming they have control when their partner is on an emotional Blackfoot.

So act like you have no clue how you will even begin to pack up & do the house clean & appear to be confused but supportive of him trying to use your step mum to get to you - DO NOT PLAY YOUR CARD by letting him know what you really think or feel.

Also - the way I see it, if your father & stepmum get wind he wants to move in, that is actually EVIDENCE of your ex’s true, spiteful & mean character which lies underneath his surface - the side they don’t see

Because anybody in their right mind would think it’s a weird request. Which would be designed to make you feel uncomfortable, an outsider in your own family & be unable to escape him. He would always be there. Nobody who decides to leave someone would want their ex living at their dad’s house

So it shows a lack of respect for your father, manipulation towards your step mum & just how far he would threaten you in order to upset you.

@vikingwife

I disagree with trying to play him at his game. I’ve been there with my Ex and it just sucks you into the drama. The grey rock method is much better. When he suggests something crazy like moving into your stepmum’s flat, just ignore him. Don’t react. Don’t get sucked into his games, but really, I think you need to get out of there for your own mental health. Living with an Ex is really really hard on anyone.

He isn’t your problem, he’s a grown up, and he brought this on himself.

If he has “affordability issues” then he shouldn’t be wasting so much money on alcohol that he gets roaring drunk, should he.
Tell your family. They love you and will want to support you, he will come a very poor second.

Please tell your family how badly he's treated you, especially now he's talking about wanting to move in. You need to nip this in the bud, and the best way is by being honest with your family.

I'm sorry you're going through this he sounds like an absolute bastard. Good on you for seeing it and getting out. Regarding the flat I would have to tell my Dad everything ( don't tell Dad and step mum together if you think Stepmum favours him). I would then make it clear that if they allowed him to stay in the flat you would stop contact with them both - to preserve your mental well-being. I would also ask them not to tell him that you had asked this as it would inflame tensions and you are already in a potentially dangerous situation. If they go ahead and let him stay after that then cut them out as they clearly don't care about your welfare - so you must protect yourself from them.

What Juanitajuanita said

Your relationship can't continue, you have your answer. He's a big boy, let him feel the consequences of his actions and get out before he really drags you down.

If I was you I would pack and get out now and leave him to it. He'll just get nasty over the next few weeks

Next step is to tell your family before he has the opportunity to control the narrative. And he will try to do that, they all do to try and manipulate the situation to minimise their poor behaviour and blame you for the break up. Don’t delay with this, contact them ASAP.

Is the flat furnished? I would start moving your stuff out at least. He isn’t planning to take this lying down .

I would email him the date he needs to be out by.

Grey rock! Grey rock!

He's obviously vile but NOT YOUR PROBLEM. Look up the nasty/nice abuse pattern online (quicker than reading Why Does He Do That?) and he'll probably slot right in.

He was nice over the weekend, now he's being base & disrespectful. Who cares if he watches porn & if all guys do it (they don't), all you have to do is hang on until the day you can leave.

Tidy your things away, take photos, take meter readings, etc. Contact the estate agent privately & explain it's a break up situation & yours worried he's going to damage the property when you leave. I know it's stressful as it's out of your hands, but if the worst thing is losing half a deposit to be free of his shouting/screaming/drunken BS & and morning porn sessions, it will be a bargain in the long run. Xxx

My apologies, I somehow completely missed the part where he hut you in the arm & has thrown a glass at you.

Do you really need to stay there with him? How long until the tenancy ends? Can you just pack up while he's at work & go to your mum's for a fortnight or whatever?

PS. Love @vikingwife - this is an excellent idea, just agree with everything in a bumbling sort of way because, frankly, if it's not malicious (it certainly is) going to live in your family's garage post break up is flipping bizarre. Act bemused like you might with a toddler.

Please tell the truth about this pig of a man to your father & step mother.
Tell them that you are obliged to leave & lose your home.
Tell them he is planning to move into their flat, & tell them if they accept it will be a slap in the face to you, after his abuse/porn/violence,
Make it clear.

Hope you are doing OK OP?