Handed notice in on flat without properly consulting boyfriend.

[Elleinad93x]

Me and my partner haven't got along very well in a long time. We have hideous arguments, he has a horrible temper and will throw things, break things, call me every name under the sun. I've wanted to leave for a little while but due to everything going on with COVID, I haven't been able to.

Yesterday was the final straw for me. He came in drunk, started yelling at me, despite that I tried to get him up for work etc but he wouldn't. And then when he did eventually wake proceeded to tell me why didn't I try harder to wake him up, why was I such a sour faced cow, an evil bitch. I was so hurt especially as all I'd done when he had come in was try and get him in to bed yet he'd been so rude to me. I told him I was done. And in that moment I emailed our estate agent and told them I was handing in the notice.

A couple of hours later he called me apologising, but I told him I was still going. When he got home I told him I'd put the notice in on the flat and he was fuming (understandably I suppose). I have a few options where I can go but really he does not. I now feel guilty that I didn't discuss it with him before hand, it isn't fair that I've taken his home from him without consulting him first but I know if we sat down to discuss it, he would never agree.

I can't be here with him anymore. I'm jumpy, the slightest loud noise literally makes me jump out of my skin and I believe that is because of him. He intimidates me and I cannot discuss anything regarding our relationship with him because anytime I do, I am accused of just trying to cause an argument. I'm scared to tell my family, they love him and would never believe the other side he has to him. They will be angry too that I've just done it. Please can anyone offer any advise?

I obviously wasn't thinking rationally when I emailed the estate agents because I was upset, but I know I need out of this situation. I am the lead tennant on our agreement and they've already said he cannot stay as he doesn't meet the affordability requirements. I don't want to leave with my name still on the lease as I'll be liable for any damage or rent he doesn't pay.

He has been physical before but tries to make out its my fault. One time he got angry and was punching the chair I was sat on, i tried to grab his arm to stop him but I guess I got in the way and he punched me in the top of my arm. There's been other incidents too, one time he threw a glass at me.
Read this and remember other similar incidents whenever you are tempted to go back to the person and situation you are escaping. He is escalating and you don't want to get in the way.

Well yes you could have handled it better and at least told him. He probably has a bit of time to find something or possibly someone to share tenancy with.

He's abusive. You did the right thing. Tell your family and friends so you have their support. If NY daughter told me what you've just told me I wouldn't care that I'd previously thought he was a nice guy. All the best op xxx

Got up this morning and gone in to get set up to work from our shared computer and seen he's been looking at porn this morning while I was in the next room sleeping. He tells me this is normal and all guys do it?! But if I confront him he will go mental, one time he even blamed me and said it must have been me that searched it! He hasn't mentioned the estate agent to me yet today but this just confirms the fact I need to get out. He's always preferred watching porn than being with me and even when he knows the relationship is literally hanging by a thread he still does this shit. I feel exhausted.

Whos account does the rent come from? Will the deposit be sent to that account. Make sure he the estate agents know to send it to you and you can split it between the pair of you if you both paid it. How long is there left on the lease? You are doing the right thing :)

Don't give it any headspace, you're leaving and it's not your problem anymore, just focus on getting out and imagine yourself a month from now relaxing with a glass of wine away from all this

YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING OP!

He needs to be taught that this kind of behaviour will not be tolerated and, quite frankly, suffer a little bit. He'll survive but will hopefully learn an important lesson in the process. You owe him nothing in return for this appalling treatment that you don't deserve. One day you will be happy and will look back on this as the beginning of that state. X

Holding my thumbs for you.

Take screen snaps of those particularly harrowing posts you have made. Put them in a album on your phones so you can quickly see them anytime you feel your self weaken.

You are doing something so many women do not have the strength to do: getting out as soon as you see the abuse for what it is.

It's not your fault. You absolutely do not deserve to be abused. Your life is going to be great from now on.

All the very best.

Don’t bring it up with him: google ‘grey rock technique’.

Would seek advice from a women’s organisation, as preparing to leave/leaving can be a risky time.

@Dozer

Don’t bring it up with him: google ‘grey rock technique’.

Thank you, just looked this up and think I've been doing this without even realising. The last few times when I've said the slightest thing that he feels out of line and he's gone mental, I've just not reacted. Two months ago both of my grandfathers passed who I was extremely close to and my outlook on life has totally changed. I just keep thinking to myself, imagine they were looking down on me and could see what was going on. They would be horrified. So when he's been trying to get reactions, I just haven't given them, I've just sat and taken all the abuse, sure I've gotten upset but by not giving a reaction the situation doesn't turn as horrible.

OP you're amazing. It takes a lot to stand up for yourself but I'm so glad you did. People like this don't change. It's the habit that's hard to break now but just keep thinking that if you don't change things now 20 years down the line you will be in the same position but probably with a couple of kids in tow.

You were entirely rational. He can’t afford it and you need out ASAP. Be free and happy

Please do not retract your notice, if you leave him in the flat he can build up rent arrears that will be in your name and a money judgement will be in your name too.

Later on, when you are free of him, you'll look back and wonder why you worried. It's only because you are in the thick of it, there is all this angst. Soon relief will be your main emotion. Focus on that.

You don't need a " big excuse" to leave

You are unhappy that is enough to leave

Leave

You know that you have people who will support & help you

No reason to stay

Got up this morning and gone in to get set up to work from our shared computer and seen he's been looking at porn this morning while I was in the next room sleeping.
Who actually owns the computer OP? It's not great that a computer you need for work is also used by him to access porn.

Are you in the financial position to buy a completely separate computer for your work - which would have a strong access password to protect your computer and which you don't pass onto him? Also I'm assuming your other work accounts eg Microsoft software, emails etc, and your banking and other financial accounts are all strongly protected?

You don't need a " big excuse" to leave

Yes, this.

You also do not need to give an abuser the break up talk.

I stayed in an abusive relationship partly as I thought I had to tell him we were splitting up and kept putting off having the conversation as I was scared of his reaction.

But if he's abusive you don't owe him any explanation and you certainly don't need him to agree.

How much essential stuff do you have in the flat? Does he ever go out? Is it possible to pack your bags and just go?

And tell him after, by text, that you've left then turn off your phone.

Al-Anon might be worth a look OP. Here's the book a PP mentioned.
www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

You're doing the right thing, it would only get worse. You're not in any way responsible for any other person.

Keep thinking of your grandfathers. Nobody deserves to walk on egg shells.

Two wrongs don't make a right. You had no right to give notice on a joint tenancy. You could have left and removed your name.

Clary RTFT
OP has stated I am the lead tennant on our agreement and they've already said he cannot stay as he doesn't meet the affordability requirements. I don't want to leave with my name still on the lease

Thanks all for your replies. I'm keeping strong. He's text me a few times today, telling me how much he loves me, calling me beautiful, asking me if I miss him etc etc. It's all rubbish because he never normally does this. He is so see through. He's not mentioned the flat at all, and I'm quite nervous for him to come home from work as I'm pretty sure he will mention it, I'll have to tell him I'm staying and thats when he will go mental again, telling me I'm taking his home from him. 😔 at the moment he is using my car everyday, soon will come a point where I'll have to ask him for the keys back for that too. He has been so lucky with me, I've given him so much and he's been so ungrateful.

Well done. Just keep reading through this thread and all you’ve written if you think you’re weakening. You’re bound to waiver and doubt yourself now and again.

You did absolutely the right thing, no question about it. If you’re the lead tenant and responsible for the place, no way would you want a toxic ex staying on in the flat indefinitely under your name. Stay strong! His future housing situation is not your problem or responsibility. He should have thought about that before treating you like shit. Defo get the car keys back too!

He's not your responsibility. Grey rock.