Handed notice in on flat without properly consulting boyfriend.

[Elleinad93x]

Me and my partner haven't got along very well in a long time. We have hideous arguments, he has a horrible temper and will throw things, break things, call me every name under the sun. I've wanted to leave for a little while but due to everything going on with COVID, I haven't been able to.

Yesterday was the final straw for me. He came in drunk, started yelling at me, despite that I tried to get him up for work etc but he wouldn't. And then when he did eventually wake proceeded to tell me why didn't I try harder to wake him up, why was I such a sour faced cow, an evil bitch. I was so hurt especially as all I'd done when he had come in was try and get him in to bed yet he'd been so rude to me. I told him I was done. And in that moment I emailed our estate agent and told them I was handing in the notice.

A couple of hours later he called me apologising, but I told him I was still going. When he got home I told him I'd put the notice in on the flat and he was fuming (understandably I suppose). I have a few options where I can go but really he does not. I now feel guilty that I didn't discuss it with him before hand, it isn't fair that I've taken his home from him without consulting him first but I know if we sat down to discuss it, he would never agree.

I can't be here with him anymore. I'm jumpy, the slightest loud noise literally makes me jump out of my skin and I believe that is because of him. He intimidates me and I cannot discuss anything regarding our relationship with him because anytime I do, I am accused of just trying to cause an argument. I'm scared to tell my family, they love him and would never believe the other side he has to him. They will be angry too that I've just done it. Please can anyone offer any advise?

I obviously wasn't thinking rationally when I emailed the estate agents because I was upset, but I know I need out of this situation. I am the lead tennant on our agreement and they've already said he cannot stay as he doesn't meet the affordability requirements. I don't want to leave with my name still on the lease as I'll be liable for any damage or rent he doesn't pay.

Even if he weren’t abusive (which he is!) or the genders were reversed - you’ve no obligation to stay in a relationship with anyone for any reason. You are ending the relationship and have appropriately given notice on the flat, and told him ASAP so he can make other arrangements.
I don’t see anything at all you’ve done wrong - what is the notice period? It might be worth suggesting he moves out as soon as possible if you can afford the rent on your own for the notice period.

Get rid of him now, call the police if he won't leave /gets angry /scares you. Please do not stay together until the tenancy is up. Whenever it gets tough remind yourself that if you don't leave him you will be stuck in this cycle for ever.

Another one who is worried about your safety. Please call the police and have a escape bag to hand; he has nothing to lose by being violent towards you, especially if it gets you to back down.

Good. Well done OP!

At the first sign of anger or abuse next time, call the police. Let him know that it's over and that you are absolutely serious.

Go "grey rock" (look up grey rock technique) and stop engaging with him. List the stuff you want to sell on eBay and concentrate on bringing this awful chapter to an end and making a fresh start.

Hi OP,
I understand why you couldn't talk it through - you would never have been able to put in your notice. When you feel bad, remind yourself that you are moving forward positively. You can't stay. There was probably no other way than to jump.

I don't want to scare you, but people living in abusive situations are in more danger when the perpetrator knows you are leaving, or right after you leave. Please consult with a Domestic Abuse agency. They will work with you to keep safe and help you with the emotional and practical fall out.

It is so often mentioned on MN, but there is a free download pdf of a book called "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. It explains the cycle that you are currently in.

Be very guarded. It is better to be over cautious than under cautious.

If you leave before the tenancy ends, take photos of every room with time stamp. It won't help with the agency costs if he does trash the place, but may hep you in small claims court.

In terms of telling family - is there one person - family or friend - that you can speak to first? You need some support.

I think you need to be upfront with the estate agent and a few other Poole about what is going on here. He's going to be awful when he realises you're not going to change your mind.

Any chance of him moving out sooner rather than later (even if you have to give him a bit of rent back so that you return the flat in good order and get your deposit back?

I agree with others that this is a dangerous time for you, you should tell your family what's happening

I am the lead tennant on our agreement and they've already said he cannot stay as he doesn't meet the affordability requirements. I don't want to leave with my name still on the lease as I'll be liable for any damage or rent he doesn't pay.

Then you have done the right thing. Congratulations on making the decision to leave him, where he lives is not your problem to solve. Are you able to pack up and stay somewhere else immediately? He sounds very scary and I think you need to log your situation with 101 and tell friends/family.

Taking photos before I leave is a good idea. I will definitely do that. I've made my mum aware of the situation but she doesn't know the full story, quite frankly because I'm embarrassed to tell people what I've put up with for so long. I should have left a long time ago. 😔 She's offered to help with anything I need so I know I can go to her. My Dad knows we aren't getting along but he loves him, and he works for my stepmum and I feel like she favours him over me, so I feel they will not believe me.

It’s possible they will take a while to readjust their view of him, but now is the time to be very frank or it will eat away at you. Tell them he smashed possessions during arguments and made you frightened. Tell them he called you names you can’t repeat. Tell them you were walking on eggshells and were frightened in your own home. Tell them he was very different in private to how he was in public. Tell your truth, and let it sink in.

You'll still be liable for any damage he does after you leave.

I would try to have him removed (by police if nexeassy) before you leave - and at that point do the final inspection and close the tenancy, even of you have to pay a couple of months rent remaining on the lease to do so. Otherwise, he may try to return to the flat and all costs incurred will be charged to you.

WE BELIEVE YOU.

Stop worrying about what other people will think. Fuck them. And don't feel embarrassed about putting up with it for so long in silence. So many of us have been there. I certainly have. I felt like a complete prat and I felt so stupid for letting myself get into a situation like that.

THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

It doesn't matter what other people think or say. They have no idea what you've been through. Hold your head up and tell your own truth. And learn to value yourself. You deserve better.

Stay safe.

You have done the right thing, good for you. I am the lead tenant on our agreement and they've already said he cannot stay as he doesn't meet the affordability requirements. I don't want to leave with my name still on the lease as I'll be liable for any damage or rent he doesn't pay.
You’ve behaved rationally and responsibly, making sure that his lack of financial acumen doesn’t affect your future. Brave and sensible move. You can now start making plans for yourself. He probably only apologised because he knew he’d be in financial dire straits if you split up. The start of an exciting new chapter for you, in which you don’t have to live in dread. Good luck

If you retract it and decide to stay, you are telling him it's ok to carry on with this behaviour as you will always put up with it. A guarantee he will do it again and it will escalate, especially if you make the mistake of having children.

Carry on and go, please.

don't want to leave with my name still on the lease as I'll be liable for any damage or rent he doesn't pay.

Remember this. This is why you had to terminate the lease. This happens a lot with couples. One moves out and gets a surprise rent arrears bill, from the high courts a year later. You absolutely did the right thing. He will find a room to rent or bedsit. What happens to him, is not your responsibility. He was being abusive. You will feel happier when you leave. I wish you all the best.

Shine the cold light of truth on the situation by messaging your parents this extract from your second paragraph:

Yesterday was the final straw for me. He came in drunk, started yelling at me, despite that I tried to get him up for work etc but he wouldn't. And then when he did eventually wake proceeded to tell me why didn't I try harder to wake him up, why was I such a sour faced cow, an evil bitch. I was so hurt especially as all I'd done when he had come in was try and get him in to bed yet he'd been so rude to me. I told him I was done.

It's the only way to move forward without misunderstandings and excuses from anybody.

You have absolutely done the right thing OP but I think you need to leave now. Get sorted ASAP, and get out. Take photos of the house and get your name taken off the utilities and tell the Estate agent that you've had to leave because of domestic abuse sending them photos as proof of the state you left the house in.

You need to look after you now, and ensure your own safety. If any relatives or friends think you should stay with an abusive man they do not love you and are no use in your life anyway.

You are no longer responsible for this man. Providing him a home or getting him up for work (that's pathetic). He's a piece of shit and he only has himself to blame for the situation. He is love bombing you so that you continue to be the punchball for his pathetic life. He will never change. And for your own safety please be warned, if he realises you are not going to change your mind, he could get much worse.

In the meantime please do remove valuable and sentimenal items out of house ASAP to your family. If there anything bulky you want to sell do it now so seller can do the removing.
Please inform estate agent why you leaving cos of abusive relationship hopefully they could let you speed up / shorten your leave notice period.
If any hint of tension or beginning of aggression attempt to destroy property phone police to remove him and his stuff pronto. Have the number ready to dial instantly from your phone.
Keep your banking & savings details hidden and bank cards too. He may try to steal.
Be safe preferably get out now asap by end of this week or himself out whichever first.

Best of luck

I suspect your boyfriend will start making it clear to everyone his true personality when he realises you mean this. You are your dad’s daughter, he will not choose your boyfriend over you.
Could you tell him the day you need to move out is a couple of dads before the real end to give you a chance to clean the place etc. Or if money isn’t an issue let the estate agent take the cleaning money out of your deposit, they probably will anyway!

Taking photos etc won’t change your financial liability for any damage he does.

Clearly, your safety is more important than financial loss.

Can you take important things to your mums bit by bit? He is all nice now but as the date gets closer he will get panicky.

Call the police if he gets nasty, you can call the non emergency line for advice too as you know he will. Do yourself a solid and be honest about how bad he is. He will so story people and try to make them flying monkeys to get his wat.

Really good that you've stood up to the nasty little man and you are leaving him.

I KNOW I have to leave, but my head keeps going back to, maybe he isn't so bad after all. I just keep trying to remind myself of all the horrible things he's done to me. I don't know if this makes sense, but I keep seeing him as the person that he is to everyone else but then I have to snap myself out of it and remind myself he is awful. He has been physical before but tries to make out its my fault. One time he got angry and was punching the chair I was sat on, i tried to grab his arm to stop him but I guess I got in the way and he punched me in the top of my arm. There's been other incidents too, one time he threw a glass at me. I'm not perfect, i know I've said horrible things to him in the past but this isn't healthy or normal. Sorry for the rant I guess just getting it out and writing it down helps me re-think everything going on in my mind.

You’ve absolutely done the right and best thing. Well done.