Handed notice in on flat without properly consulting boyfriend.

[Elleinad93x]

Me and my partner haven't got along very well in a long time. We have hideous arguments, he has a horrible temper and will throw things, break things, call me every name under the sun. I've wanted to leave for a little while but due to everything going on with COVID, I haven't been able to.

Yesterday was the final straw for me. He came in drunk, started yelling at me, despite that I tried to get him up for work etc but he wouldn't. And then when he did eventually wake proceeded to tell me why didn't I try harder to wake him up, why was I such a sour faced cow, an evil bitch. I was so hurt especially as all I'd done when he had come in was try and get him in to bed yet he'd been so rude to me. I told him I was done. And in that moment I emailed our estate agent and told them I was handing in the notice.

A couple of hours later he called me apologising, but I told him I was still going. When he got home I told him I'd put the notice in on the flat and he was fuming (understandably I suppose). I have a few options where I can go but really he does not. I now feel guilty that I didn't discuss it with him before hand, it isn't fair that I've taken his home from him without consulting him first but I know if we sat down to discuss it, he would never agree.

I can't be here with him anymore. I'm jumpy, the slightest loud noise literally makes me jump out of my skin and I believe that is because of him. He intimidates me and I cannot discuss anything regarding our relationship with him because anytime I do, I am accused of just trying to cause an argument. I'm scared to tell my family, they love him and would never believe the other side he has to him. They will be angry too that I've just done it. Please can anyone offer any advise?

I obviously wasn't thinking rationally when I emailed the estate agents because I was upset, but I know I need out of this situation. I am the lead tennant on our agreement and they've already said he cannot stay as he doesn't meet the affordability requirements. I don't want to leave with my name still on the lease as I'll be liable for any damage or rent he doesn't pay.

UPDATE.
I broke down and I stayed. Why I don't know, because the exact same thing happened tonight. And I don't know why I did it, but I phoned the police. The lady I spoke to was lovely and the officers that came to the flat were just as friendly but now I feel like I over exaggerated. They stayed while I cleared my most important belongings out of the flat. I'm at my mums now, and I'm scared about what is going to happen next. The last time I saw him he was drunk out of his face, altbough claiming he wasn't, when he wakes up and sees the reality of what happened. He is going to be fuming, because I left and because I called the police. I pray I didn't leave anything important behind. I feel like a rabbit in the headlights right now. My whole life is in black bin bags in the back of my car. This is so scary.

Oh dear, lots of hugs from mum and cups of tea today. You have done the right thing and you definitely should have called the police. It meant that you have left safely.

He won’t change, staying to endure that abuse tells him it’s ok so he won’t stop. It would have only got worse. The relationship wasn’t a good one, you can do so much better than live with someone who doesn’t respect you. You deserve more. Take care

Why did the police "assist" you to leave?

The flat is in your name. If he is drunk and threatening he should leave.

Call up the police non emergency number, tell them this, strongly request they attend to assist your ex to leave, and re-take your flat.

At the very least, inform your landlord urgently today and request your name off the lease, and an urgent inspection and removal of the squatter (ex). Othereose, he won't pay rent, he'll trash the flat and you will pay the bill by law.

So you had a bump in the road. That's pretty normal from what I read on here. The important thing is that you've left him again. I echo the pp above. Please get your name off that lease in case he trashes it, if you don't intend to go back. Or ask the police to remove him from your house, in your name.

You got out, safely. That's the main thing. You're out now and you can sort out the estate agent and lease stuff. You've seen what happened when you stayed so now you don't doubt yourself anymore.

I think sometimes those in unhappy relationships can get stuck in a rut just because often it’s easier to carry on in that cycle than face change and the unknown. So I think acting on impulse when things are at the worse is often the best way to get out of an unhappy situation. I think you’ve done the right thing! Follow your gut!

Oh dear. Now he's in the flat alone and pissed up? No doubt he'll trash it and you'll have to pay. You must get in touch with your LL ASAP and explain the situation. You have the police record to verify when you left the flat and presumably it was in good nick when you left. This may help your case.

Tell your family, Dad, etc everything, esp punching you and throwing things at you. Otherwise he will get in first and get all the sympathy.
Your notice period must nearly be up or did you rescind it?

So I had my first night away and it is crazy how much more relaxed I felt! I had my first good night's sleep in a long long time. He's been texting, calling asking me to come back but I won't be, and is probably only doing so because he needs use of my car! I do feel a little lonely but I suppose that is to be expected... I feel a little lost and like Im starting all over again at the age of 26 which is scary. The police lady I spoke to on the phone kept telling me I was still so young but seeing all my friends have babies, getting engaged, buying houses I feel so behind. I do need to go back to the flat to get the last of my belongings but feel a little better knowing that I can call the police if needs be, although I will go whilst he is at work.

Well done for getting out op. You are safe, that's the main thing - everything else can be sorted out.

Well done, honestly 26 is young there is plenty of time to recover and then meet someone that is wonderful and Mr Right.

26 is seriously no age.

You have done the right thing. Had you already retracted the notice because if so time to give it again.

Good luck. Stay strong.

@Isthisit22

Tell your family, Dad, etc everything, esp punching you and throwing things at you. Otherwise he will get in first and get all the sympathy. Your notice period must nearly be up or did you rescind it?

Totally agree with this. Also do take photos, showing date and time, of the flatbefore you leave so you can prove it was left in good order by you. Finally contact the agent/Landlord again to give notice and have your name taken off the lease.

I hadn’t met my dh at 26. It is so easy to say looking back how young you are, but hard to see when there.

But this is you lifetime you are protecting here.

Maybe phone his workplace first to check that he really is there?

How are doing today OP?

@MrsAJ27

How are doing today OP?

Thanks so much for checking in on me.

I'm doing ok but everything is beginning to feel a little overwhelming. I thought I'd be ok and I'd just get over it as he is so so horrible, but now I'm starting to feel like i don't know that I will. I feel damaged by the way that he has treated me

You are young so you can move on from this. It will feel worse before you get better. BUT Never make the same mistake with him or someone like him. End the tenancy ASAP and start afresh elsewhere. But do not go back again.

You are 26, you have your whole life ahead of you. Take a friend or relative and go clear out your stuff. I wouldn't go alone. Tell your family the truth. Inform the estate agent you have left. Then when that is all done you can start your new life, free of this abusive twat. You know you deserve better.

Ask your GP to refer you to counselling, get in touch with WA and ask to do the Freedom Programme. All those things will help you move forward and be happier.

I'm starting over again at 34, significantly harder with toddlers in tow! 26 is young, and you will be alert for red flags in future so you have a better chance of finding the right person for you.

Would also like to add that just because your friends are getting married in their mid 20's, doesn't mean that they're making the right choice so don't get hung up on what others are doing.

I got married at 27, divorced at 29. I didn’t have a baby until I was 35! You have plenty of time.

You will be fine, counselling might be a good idea to process your emotions and grieve for the relationship you thought you would have rather than the way it turned out to be. Don’t rush into anything new for a while. Maybe do the Freedom Programme? It might help you to identify any red flags in future.

Thank you all for the support! I feel a little better about the age thing! I guess when you see everyone else doing things you are no where near yet, it just makes you feel under pressure! But you are all right, I would no way want those things with him! I couldn't think of anything worse. I want to be with someone who loves me and actually wants me, just a normal relationship.

I think counselling may be a good idea, I didn't realise in the situation how much this may have affected me. I am no where near even thinking of dating anyone else but I can only imagine I wi be jumpy and paranoid. Even at my mums loud bangs etc make me think I'm back at the flat and I automatically get this anxious feeling in my belly, like I used to get when I knew he was getting angry.

I've just emailed the estate agents with the notice, so Im sure I'll receive a load of abuse soon. He's been calm the last few days, but only messaged when he needed something like money, or wanted me to take him to get weed. I've said no, and he's then totally ignored me so I guess this just proves what I'm really around for. He even asked me to extend the notice another month. I so wish I'd stuck to my guns when I handed it in the first time.

I don't know whether to inform the estate agents about the police incident. I said in my email that I was no longer living at the flat so if they want to do viewings etc they will need to contact him. I'm sure they will ask why I'm not there anymore but either way I can still be held liable for any damage so I guess will make no difference either way.

You have done an amazing thing op, stay strong. You are so young and have time on your side.