Would you date someone earning less than you?

[DreamChaser23]

but they were a good person and paid their way?

What is the least you could consider?

That sounds really awful but the issue was your EXH not how much you earnt.

I completely agree!

However, the fact that he, ultimately, wasn't ready to let go of the expectation that - being the man in the house - he should be the main breadwinner and resented the fact that he wasn't very much was part of the issue.

I wouldn't mind another lower-earning partner at all. But I'd also definitely want to make sure he was fundamentally okay with this being the way things are and might potentially stay until we both retire.

Oddly enough, I don't mind the lack of ambition mentioned by other posters. It might pose some practical challenges in a LTR (e.g. debates over how much of your evening you invest in work stuff and how much you spend with your partner), I imagine. But, ultimately, I think I'd be perfectly fine with a partner who was happy to be in a low-paying job and to stay there so long as I could still invest significant time in my own career.

Yes although it’d be very hard as I only earn 13k

For me, as long as they are able to support themselves, have their own home (owned or renting it doesn’t matter) and are not mean, I wouldn’t care how much they earn. Ambition doesn’t do it for me but independence does.

When a low wage is down to apathy and lack of ambition that's completely different to a low wage being down to working in a job that will grow, or working in a job that offers much-needed flexibility to a family situation.

I think this is important. It's not about ambition vs no ambition etc for me but about being a partnership. Dh is extremely hard working and that plays out in him being willing to do whatever is needed to earn money when necessary. It also has translated to him more than stepping up as a sahd / primary carer for the children to facilitate me putting the hours in as even when he worked full time doing something he loved before he met me, his pay was still only about 20% of what I earn. And that job was not conducive to other things he wanted like a family.

BIL on the other hand earns minimum wage, is completely uninterested in attempting to pick up extra work when money is tight, does less than half of the childcare/home duties and, on top of all that, resents that SIL spends 45 hours a week working to pay for their lifestyle .....

@BlingLoving
Sounds similar to me. When needed we both stepped up and did whatever was needed to pay the bills. (legally). I made it clear I wasn't sacrificing everything and him carry on. I am an equal person.

And your Sil shows yet another great "protection" of marriage. If they are married and she wants to lose the great lump it will cost her a lot. Not married and oh see ya with her pension etc still hers and the children's.

It should be perfectly valid either for both parties to earn or for one or the other to not earn but to contribute in other ways eg bringing up children, doing domestic work. It can work either way as long as everyone pulls their weight in some aspects the division doesn't matter.

Where it all gets screwed up is sexist patriarchal assumptions about women having to be the homemaker and men the breadwinner. When you have that in play then some men who are the lower earners still feel they don't have to contribute on the domestic front and the wife winds up doing it all.

You can avoid that by not dating or marrying a sexist no matter how much they earn. Marry someone who will respect you and agrees with and is willing to support your life choices whether that is to have a career or to be a SAHM.

@BlingLoving yes you have summed it up perfectly that’s what it is all about.

Relationship is team work, you each use your strengths to bring what you can to the family. Nothing to do with salary.
This reminds me of the whole covid thing when we suddenly realised all the important jobs were done by low paid insecure workers, so we just called them "key workers" and suddenly realised how half the salary chasing jobs are not really keeping the wheels turning.
Same goes for "stay at home partner" work, it's all key work and undervalued and thought of as unambitious by the sounds of some posters on the thread.
Reminds me of an interview, someone said their dad told them as a kid, "i don't care if you're emptying bins or a brain surgeon, just do your best"

@wishingitwasfriday

For those saying that they wouldn't date someone with no ambition, happy to stay in, for example, a job on the tills at Tesco, would you think it ok for men to say the same? Why is it ok for many, many women to have no ambition but not ok for men?

There are so many posters on this site who don't work, have no desire to even think about getting a job and paying their own way, happy to be supported by an ex if it all goes wrong. Yet it couldn't possibly be ok the other way round.
We keep on that we want equality but for many people this seems to be a one way street. Men have to be the top earner, ambitious, happy for wife to be at home, help with household chores, get home early to be with the kids, not have any time out for hobbies etc etc. If the women is at home then she's told to "get her ducks in a row" if there is a potential split. If it's the man at home then the women is told to protect everything and not let the "Cockfosters" get anything. Who would want to be a man nowadays, I certainly wouldn't.

I wouldn't date someone with "no ambition" but that's because that person wouldn't be a match for me, personality wise. I'm extremely driven and ambitious, I completed 3 university degrees after having DD 13 years ago and am now very near the top of the career ladder in my chosen field. I'm also the breadwinner in our house. So I said it because I just wouldn't have much in common with a partner who didn't share my career drive and ambition. I didn't say it because I think it's acceptable for me as a woman to do the exact opposite - it would literally go against every aspect of my personality to sit in a "comfortable" job and not progress higher, or (worse), to allow a man to support me financially!

I married someone who earns less than me. I married him because I liked and loved him.

I've dated people who earn less than me, more than me or are unemployed. Dated people who are size 10 to size 20. Depends if you are dating because you like the person or the overall package. The woman I've found the most attractive barely earnt a dime and was a size 18. Cant say she 100% felt the same but that's probably worth a post of it's own! Personally I earn a good wage.

@DreamChaser23 After leaving a long term relationship in my late 30s I spent over two years on an internet dating whirlwind trying to find a husband to have kids with. I had over 100 dates, many were appalling. I could write a bloody book.... anyway. One of my main criteria was that my future partner needed to earn more than me.

Eventually I did meet someone that I really liked and he liked me and we earned about the same. We are still together 9 years later. We are not married, turned out it was too late for me to have kids, my career has taken off and I now earn exactly double what he does. However, if his business really takes that may change at some point.

He wasn't what I thought I wanted but turns out he was exactly what I needed and it would be nice if we had more money but we are doing OK.

There are a few posters who earn more, someone’s multiples more, but still expect their partner to pay half

Is this not financial abuse? It always seems to be on here when a lower earning woman pays half...

Ambition takes many forms, travel, family, health and lifestyle, to name a few.
It doesn't solely mean that a man has a good job earning (or with the potential to earn) loads of cash
Some of the posters saying they want an 'ambitious' man are just trying to be coy and hide what they really mean, I assume not to look hypocritical

Absolutely, I am doing! I've been with him 5 years, I earn a lot more, but he pays his way, he even insists on splitting holidays etc down the middle, even though I have 2 children and he has 1. The irony is, I earn more but he has more cash in his pocket each month than me!!! I live in an expensive area (grew up here so not something I chose) and whilst I love my home, the mortgage and general cost of living is more than where he comes from so my money is always tied up!!

So, salary wouldn't bother me in the slightest, he could be the richest guy on earth and still be as mean as mouse muck. How he treats me is what matters

Ambition takes many forms, travel, family, health and lifestyle, to name a few.
It doesn't solely mean that a man has a good job earning (or with the potential to earn) loads of cash

This. I consider myself ambitious. But one thing I would NEVER do is date a man so unimaginative that he can only think of ambition in terms of £££.

I think it is just as well that I can not work out which of us has more money.
I don't work but I do have assets and money in the bank. I don't have any mortgages or loans and credit cards are paid off in full as I only use them for purchases to get protection on the outlay. I drive an older ordinary sort of car.
He works and owns businesses. He has a property and I think there is a mortgage on that. He has work vehicles. His own car is quite flashy and upmarket. I don't know what his income is because it is so variable.
When we met he was concerned that as I don't work I might only have benefits to live on. I took my time before I explained my why I did not work and yet can buy whatever I want.
When we go anywhere he insists on paying, he is very old style in that way.
We don't spend time talking about money. We are happy together and that matters a lot more than the financial sides of our lives

Yes I did. And we got married and I gave up work for 7 years when we had kids. It was pretty tough, and tbh I wouldn't be a stay at home mum if I had my time again. Child care is much more available now although financial pressures are heavier.
Just be aware that any man who resents or feels threatened by a woman earning (and therefore worth more in some male eyes) id not one you should give any time or emotional energy to.

Yes, DP earned double me when we met, then earned the same, then got made redundant, then earned less, then earned more.

It’s subject to so much change it would be ridiculous to compare or give any value to it. Unless of course one of you is slave to a career that is driving you over the edge and the other doesn’t give a shit.

I naturally gravitate towards people with ‘professional’ careers, so haven’t yet found there to be a huge salary differential.

It probably sounds shallow but no, I've had two husbands who earned less than me and one boyfriend and they were more than happy to do whatever they wanted with my money which didn't include ever getting me a birthday card or present and I'm sick to death of supporting losers who are not interested in bettering themselves.
I'd rather stay single forever than have another one on a low salary.

It depends how low and is linked to other aspects of character for me.

My bf is married to a man who earns half of what she does and she isn't a hugely high earner. They can't afford to move, she moans that he is lazy and has no ambition, they struggle financially and she gets very stressed about money. I couldn't be with someone who didn't at least strive to earn more if as a family we were struggling.

I think it is different if as a couple you earn enough to be comfortable and the dh is a hard worker.

When I met DH he was a college student and I had a F/T job so I did earn more than him 18 years later and he far out earns my salary. I liked him for him.

Yes I would, I'm a reasonably high earner, and my dh and my ex both earn less than me. The difference is my dh would spend his last penny on us (and frequently does), he pays his own way and contributes equally to the outgoings. I put more in pensions and pay more of the bills, but % wise he probably pays more than me.